The Road to Yesterday
by FatedFeathers
Summary: It's been four years since Bella said "Yes" to Edward, not only to become his wife, but to experience College. But four years can change you, especially when you're human. Forgiving is easy, forgetting isn't. Some language and Adult Themes B/E - B/J
1. Illusion & Dream

**A few words from the author****: This is an early fanfiction story of mine, and no proofreaders can be held responsible for the horrors found within; after all, it's all on me. Some two years after posting it I decided to go through for a Revise and Edit (applying my developed skills). Two chapters in, I ran for the hills, wailing about the mess and labor of it all. This is why Chapter One and Chapter Two look different than the rest. **

**Disclaimer****: All recognizable settings, characters, plot-lines—the works, you name it—found throughout this story belong to Stephenie Meyer. I only borrow bits and pieces and play with them.**

* * *

**-x Chapter One x-**

* * *

_Look in my eyes I'll make you see / We're drifting aimlessly / Blind in a world of make believe. / "Illusion & Dream," by Poets of the Fall_

* * *

**-x Illusion & Dream x-**

* * *

The rain poured down outside, drumming angrily against the windowsill. But maybe that was just how I imagined it. I was frustrated; it was the end of my last semester at Dartmouth and I should have been ecstatic, except I wasn't. I was going to graduate with honors for my brilliant writing; my peers and teachers alike were praising my way with words. I had a gift, they said. Yeah right.

_Ugh._

I leaned back in my chair, stretching my arms before me, lacing my fingers together to use the leverage to work out the tense kinks in my knuckles. My eyes drifted toward the clock on the wall behind the dining table: _00:32. _Way past my bedtime.

I wondered if Charlie was awake still. Why would I call my dad? We didn't really engage in smalltalk. But still, somehow, I felt the need to talk to him. I wanted him to tell me about his life, tell me what he was up to. Fishing, sports—_anything_. Yes. Anything to push back the hurricane of thoughts that threatened to break through the bubble I had created for them. My special little bubble where I tucked away unwanted thoughts and desires. I had many of them, after all.

My first year at college hadn't been so bad. Maybe I'd allowed a few of the suppressed thoughts to surface. But as I started my second year, the little suckers had started dropping in like unwanted phone calls when you were getting hot and heavy with your significant other. _Let's not go there_, I told myself.

End of third year, and beginning of fourth, they'd begun piling up on me. The festering thoughts, the musings—all the 'what ifs'. Hadn't it been for my writing, majoring in English and those extra courses in Creative Writing—and not to forget my new best friend, my laptop—I doubt I would have been sitting here right now. I would have thrown myself on a plane back home to Forks so I could hide away in my old room. Which made me wonder if Charlie had kept it for me. Or had he turned it into storage by now? Had I been even a somewhat decent daughter, I would have known. Since I wasn't, I hadn't talked to him for so long it didn't even bear thinking about. God, I sucked.

And then, without warning, it all bubbled up inside me; once again I sat through the worst re-runs in history.

Welcome to the Days of Bella Swan's Teenage Life.

_God!_

So why is it that when you're a kid you have immunity to logic? How come you think you know better than everybody else? And no matter what anyone tells you, no matter how many times you're dealt The Facts, time and time again, you just stick your chin out, pout, and yell "No!" And when you're asked why, you smugly pull an Oscar-winning line out of your ass that even would convince _mother-freaking-Theresa_ that you're the _only_ teenager in the world with her head screwed on right.

"_Oh, Bella is so mature for her age. She knows what she's doing,"_ I mimicked in a low, feigned masculine-like voice.

How does a teenager, who has never really seen much of anything, besides the romantic notions of love in the works of Shakespeare and the spinster sister's Bronte, know _anything_about the real world? Moreover, how does she, in her right mind, live through the apocalypse a-la Vampire versus Werewolf, thinking that, "Yes. Of course I know what I want! I want to prance off into the sunset while the people who brought me into this life grow old, wither away, and _die_. And then, on the day of their funeral, I will be off sucking some poor animal dry, instead of attending the funeral like a respectful, loving daughter, because _that is what I must do so I can have the perfect, fairytale ending._" How does the reality check and the fast forward through _101 Tips On How To Grow Up_ not register when you are faced with extraordinary circumstances?

_Breathe, Bella, breathe_, I commanded myself. I was freaking out again, as per usual when I didn't keep control of my little bubble.

I didn't like who I became when the chaos was let loose on a rampage inside my head. Sometimes I seriously wondered if those years in Forks had caused me severe mental damage, and that it had been suppressed because I just hadn't had the tools at the time to deal with it. And now I was developing schizophrenia. It sure felt like it sometimes.

Perhaps I should be so lucky? It might qualify me for some really good drugs on prescription. That thought curled my frown into a grim smile. Jake would have busted a rib witnessing my unsound state of mind. . . .

Another unwelcome thought.

The last time I'd seen Jake he'd nearly snapped my arms off, after learning I was going to have sex with my vampire husband. I couldn't blame him. Perhaps he _should_ have hurt me. I wonder what would have ensued? No doubt some battle or struggle or other, of epic magnitude. Maybe I would have been sent back home to Charlie? Or even down to Florida to live with my mother? I'm sure, if my father had found out _just what kind of a life_ I had gotten myself into, he would have at least given it his best shot to have me shipped off, somewhere far, far away.

Oh yes. My little bubble of 'what ifs.'

It wasn't pretty; it held all the decisions I had made in my life that I had found out I had regretted. The bubble wasn't only for my own sake, but for Edward's sake, too.

My heart squeezed.

Edward hadn't changed. He was still the same; a gentleman, a cynic, a great husband and an attentive lover. He did still cause my blood to heat up, at times, and my heart to stutter and—no. I couldn't let myself go there either. Hormones were nice, and so was sex. Not using your head, however, when making some of the most important decisions in your life_wasn't_. It was downright punishable. In my own opinion, at least.

I thought of the conversation I'd had with my mother, when I had talked to her about marrying Edward. She had told me that I was her middle-aged teenager. Once, I had believed that she saw through everything, even the best of lies, the most believable disguises. But the one thing she hadn't seen through was the obvious difference between Edward and I: I was human, and he wasn't.

It was odd, really, that they managed to blend in so well. I mean, when I saw that they were so blatantly... _not human_. Not only their exterior, but how they _moved._ And talked. And how they acted, in general. But, then again, perhaps that was just a personal trait of mine? To be observant. _You weren't observant enough_, I told myself. _You didn't see and understand the consequences to the choices you were making, and that they were wrong._

No, of course I hadn't. I had been a teenager, loved by two too-wonderful parents who poured all their trust into their only daughter; who believed that she was wise enough to make her own decisions when, really, they should have locked me away and flushed the key down the toilet.

Well, okay. Edward would have just sneaked me out through the window and whisked me off into the night—to my immense pleasure and delight, not to forget.

I sucked in a breath, puffing my cheeks full of air, and blew it out through gritted teeth. I glowered at myself. _Just learn to accept that you were a teenager, and that you didn't know better._

Resting my elbows on the desk, I buried my face in my palms and rubbed my face roughly.

I wasn't going to get any writing done tonight. It was best to just try to sleep.

_00:39_

Well, at least I passed a few minutes, right?

Defeated, I closed the lid to my laptop and lumbered into the kitchen, loading the coffee machine, preparing for the morning. I needed my caffeine fix in the mornings. Without it I always sent Edward off to his classes with a tortured look on his face.

I was hurting him a lot these days. By such things as snapping at him when he was just trying to be supportive, or by faking a headache when I didn't want to sleep with him.

Boy, was I _ever_ grateful for being a mental mute. I had been a terrible liar once, but these days I was beginning to get a handle on the art. Especially when it came to Edward. It was needed—and not in the way one might think. I was one hundred percent faithful to him. I did love him still. But there was something missing. Something that had started nagging at me a few months ago, when the remorseful thoughts regarding my past decisions had started to become overbearing.

With a groan I flicked the light switch, and moved to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face. As I turned the lights on, I went straight up to the sleek marble counter and splayed my fingers across the surface; my palms pressed into the coolness of it. I stared at my hands against the pale gray, the spotlights in the ceiling making it shimmer. For a long moment I just stood there, staring.

In my twisted mind I imagined it was Edwards chest—and the laugh bubbled up my throat before I could stop it. Instantly heat rushed into my face. My head snapped up, and I glared at my reflection in the mirror. My face was alive with irritation and embarrassment. But that wasn't the only thing I noted. What got me more was how my face had changed. It was more defined, angled. The face of a woman; not a girl. My dark hair was a pretty contrast against my pale skin, and my wide eyes, thickly framed with dark lashes, made my brown eyes stand out.

As I continued to scrutinize myself, my eyes wandered down my body. I pushed away from the counter, twisting and prodding my no longer wiry frame. My chest was, well, not so small anymore, but still not big. My hips were slightly wider, and my bottom a little more rounded, and my legs were more defined and toned. It was all thanks to my visits to the running track, three days a week.

The way I studied myself now, and how I came to realize that I liked that I had changed, brought on another bout of memories to catapult me through more 'what ifs'.

I had been so _obsessed_ with being turned into an immortal. Sickly obsessed. I would have been frozen in time at the age of eighteen. I watched my eyes widen in horror at the prospect.

Well, _now_, at least, I possessed some appreciation for my then hormone-riddled body. Without it, I would have been standing here utterly helpless, crying for the release of tears that would never come, because I would have been hasty in choosing death instead of life. With annoyance quickly surging through me, I snatched up my toothbrush, coated it roughly with toothpaste, and let loose on my teeth.

A few minutes later I was curled up in bed, alone, while _fighting_ the tears. _Oh, the irony never ends._

As it were, some things change, and others don't. My natural affinity for crying was something, it seemed, I would be stuck with for the rest of my life.

In my misery, I replayed a shopping endeavor with Alice, from only a few days prior:

Alice held out the black garment against me; her head pulled back as she imagined it on me. I rolled my eyes at her.

"There is no way I am wearing that racy number, Alice. Forget it. I might have gained an appreciation for certain aspects of fashion, but I am still a jeans-and-tee girl."

Alice sighed at me and hung the silky, thigh-length slip back in its place. "Some things never change," she muttered. "Even for you humans."

I smirked. "And some things do." I zeroed in on a steely blue tee behind her, with black, lacy letters, saying _Bite Me_. I snatched it from the rack and ran for the changing rooms.

"God, Bella. When will you grow up?" she wailed, in hot pursuit behind me.

While wriggling into the fitted t-shirt, I chirped happily, "If growing up means having no sense of humor, then I'd like the prerogative of never having to do so." I danced out of the cubicle to spin demonstratively in the spotlight of her disapproving glare.

"Why are you even showing it to me? I'll be seeing it for many months to come, so you could have just spared me the premiere." Alice sashayed off to hunt down yet another piece of clothing I would make her put away.

I followed, coming up behind her where she stood inspecting shiny accessories. "Many months?" I inquired, dubious, then added teasingly, "I'm going to wear it for all of eternity!" knowing I was being mean but thoroughly unable to help myself.

She turned slowly, her eyes flashing with sudden pain.

"Oh Alice, I'm sorry, I . . . I was just teasing—"

"Oh, stop it," she whispered. "It's not about the shirt." She paused, her lips turned in a pout, and then she continued. "Have you changed your mind?" she asked, her voice very low and seemingly hesitant.

"About what?" I asked, confused, while trying to figure out what was wrong.

Finally, after a long pause, she said, "About . . . eternity?"

My eyes narrowed in suspicion, though I wasn't really sure what she was asking me. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the fact that when I'm looking into your future I'm not seeing you becoming one of us anymore." She said it slowly, drawing it out as if it were too painful for her to admit.

"I . . . Seriously?" I gaped at her. And then, naturally, thanks to the inherent parts of me that always suspected the worst, I started freaking out: fate, as it were, must have decided to pay a visit to her favorite danger-magnet again. Of course. Leaving me in peace would not do. I was going to die. Something was after me, as per usual. . . .

_For God's sake, snap out of it, Bella._

"Certainly, I do see Edward with you, but you both seem miserable."

That broke me out of the first stages of hyperventilation. "Ah . . ." I managed to reply, eventually.

But Alice wasn't done, and quickly followed suit, firing another question at me. "Do you still love . . . him?"

In spite of what one might believe, thanks to my freak-out seconds before, I wasn't incurably dense; I knew very well who she was referring to.

"I . . . Well, of course I do; I always will," I told her honestly. A whisper of warmth swept across my skin as I said it. "Just like I will always love Edward," I hurried on. "But if you're asking me if I have changed my mind, or if I think that I might have chosen the wrong path, well, then you are dead wrong. Edward and I were meant to be together. For eternity or for life, doesn't matter . . . whichever happens." I strode away from Alice quickly, tossing the t-shirt at the counter where the the girl behind the cash register stared at me in mild irritation, as if I had just ruined her day by making her have to ring up the sale.

Sobs wracked my body as the floodgates opened and the hurt returned.

When Edward and I left our wedding reception that night, an agonized howl had ripped through me; it had branded me so deeply that the painful echoes still resonated through my mind to this day. Even if I had never seen him again. Which was totally my fault. Or both our faults. Whatever.

I hadn't attempted to contact him, and he hadn't attempted to contact me.

Somewhere deep down I wondered if he had finally imprinted on someone and gotten his happily-ever-after. I hoped so. Because with each year passing, ever since that day, I had come to terms with what an idiot I had been.

Jacob Black was better off without me.

I had treated him in the most despicable way anyone could have ever imagined. Disgustingly bad, really. And that I had ever deluded myself that I was his best friend was just absurd. In simple terms: he had been my comfort blanket. I had used him. Yes, sure, I had known it—some part of it, back then—and I had felt at least a _little_ remorseful. But what I saw now—what I could understand and perceive, and the magnitude of it—made me feel like a royally rotten egg. No, worse; like bacteria and mold, actually, that _prospered_ on rotten eggs.

My hands grasped for my pillow and I wrapped it around my head, pressing it into my ears, and prayed for it all to just _go away_.

_You're still a drama-queen_, I muttered to myself, the words muffled against the satin pillow case. _Yes, indeed I am._

**-xox-**

A silky-smooth voice roused me. I felt the cool body sliding up against me, and firm arms wrapped around my waist. "Good morning," he whispered into my ear; his sweet breath washed over me. My eyes fluttered open, and I stiffened as I focused on my alarm clock: 06:30.

I groaned inwardly. Yet another half-hour came to stretch out in front of me, full of prospective lies and tries to let him down easy.

For a long time, this had been one of our favorite times of the day. We would wrap around each other, touch and kiss in places that would have made me blush once upon a time. Now, however, the only thing I desired was a steaming cup of coffee.

_The show must go on_, I sang in my head and turned to Edward. His eyes were black, but not from thirst. At least not for blood. I felt him press against the curve of my hip and barely suppressed a smirk.

"Good morning," I whispered and met his lips obediently, trying to draw up memories of a time when it would have been effortless to throw myself at him. It was a strange concept to fantasize about what your husband used to be like, so you could make love to the man he was now, when, in fact, he was frozen, never changing. I had told myself that what I really fantasized about was who I used to be, to drown who I was now.

But, as every other time, I only managed for so long, and when we moved on from stroking, fondling, and kissing, to actually get hot and steamy—well, I was responsible for the heating and steaming; Edward was always cold—something inside me died. Again. And I eloquently faked yet another Oscar-winning performance to get myself out of our bed, away from his arms, but ultimately away from the tortured expression I knew would linger on his face for the rest of the day . . . until he saw me again for dinner.

Well, once more, I would be responsible for the dining; Edward would just sit and watch me. As always.

The coffee machine sputtered to life and I hurried to the bathroom. Stepping swiftly into the shower, I turned the faucet to the hottest temperature I could tolerate.

A few minutes later, I walked back into the kitchen where Edward stood, dressed and ready, waiting for me with my cup in his outstretched hand.

"Library again today?" he asked, smiling at me softly. The smile didn't reach his eyes, however; a fact which I guiltily tried to avoid by averting my own gaze.

"Yes," I replied instead over my shoulder as I went to sit down on the balcony with the morning paper. "I find it a lot easier to focus there. There's something so very comforting about being surrounded by a bunch of book-worms and librarians with an attitude. Adds spunk to my project." The news paper itself was a great prop. As for the content, it didn't really interest me that much. But because of my new-found distraction I was very up to date with what was happening around the world.

The sunrise was beautiful, and I looked out over the breathtaking landscape. Of course we had gotten our very own apartment, instead of renting like normal students. Back then, I had boggled at the numbers, and I remembered how sick I had felt about splashing out on something that we would only live in for a few years. So totally unnecessary.

But I had agreed to all these things to get my way. After all, we had made a deal: He got to spend insane amounts of money on me, and I got to have his body whenever I wanted. How incredibly slutty of me. Although, I suppose another part of that bargain had been that I stayed human. A part of the deal I now was immensely grateful for, and probably the only one that didn't leave me feeling cheap and filthy all around.

Our apartment was on the outskirts of Hanover, so I had a bit of a drive to get to campus, but that's what my Mercedes was for. By some miracle, I had come to love that car. I don't know if it was due to some hidden part of me that secretly loved all things dark, powerful, and beautiful, or if it simply had something to do with the tinted windows, obscuring what was on the inside, and allowed me privacy as I zipped through town. Eventually I decided it was a combination of both.

I sipped my coffee lazily, and skimmed through the paper, not finding the distraction of it particularly successful this morning.

"Another three weeks and we're done. How does it feel?"

I jumped as he spoke closely behind me. "Dammit, Edward. You scared me!"

He smiled down at me, apologetic. "Sorry."

How did he manage to make me feel guilty and irritated, simultaneously?

"To answer your question, it feels great. I am really happy about my project; I think Professor Larsen is going to be blown away, once more." And an effortless giggle slipped out of me. The distinguished man—ruffled and handsome still in his sixties—had been quite taken with me when I first came to his lectures. I had made a grand entrance that had earned me generous teasing and discreet snickering for months following the incident; after I had tripped over the threshold, my papers and books had sailed through the air, just as Professor Larsen had declared that it was a wonderful day for opening our minds and letting go. I don't think comparing my face to a tomato, in that moment, would have sufficed.

"It's pretty safe to say that you blow everyone away, love. It's just who you are. You draw people to you, and not only with your writing." His face was reverent as I looked up. "Have you thought further on that position in Seattle?" he asked suddenly.

Of course. A high school in Seattle was seeking a teacher for a special literature class they had recently added to their curriculum. It had sounded very appealing at the time, when Professor Larsen had suggested it to me, and he had told me that if I wanted he would happily write me a letter of recommendation. I had been very flattered.

There was one catch, though: could I really go back to live so close to Forks? I knew, of course, that it would be an ideal place for our family to live. There were many practices and hospitals around Seattle on the lookout for good doctors.

However, the thought of going to work and Edward returning to high school was somewhat unnerving. Not to mention plain freaky. _My husband? Well, he went on a field trip with his Biology class and won't be back until late. _Sure, they could assume he was the _teacher._ All the same, it was slightly risky for him to work in a company somewhere, with smart and intelligent adults around. High school was far less challenging and it was easier to avoid being conspicuous—never mind that he was a _vampire._

Finally, I said, "I have thought about it, yes. But I haven't made up my mind yet. I believe I still have until the end of the semester to put in my application."

"I think you'd like Seattle," he mused. "Not too big, but still big enough not to be recognized. I know how you like your privacy."

I did. I _loved_ my privacy, and right now he was invading it. I felt my irritation grow with each word he spoke, and then, again, a wave of nauseating guilt followed to wash over me.

"Also, it would be quite close to your father. He would like that."

_Don't go there, buddy_, I thought and stood up, at the fatal loss of interest in even my very appealing cup of coffee.

"I better get ready. Are we going to see your parents this weekend?" I asked in a hopeful tone. If there was one thing that could cheer me up, then it was Emmett, my big brother for all intents and purposes. He was relaxed, didn't take himself too seriously, and was the only one who didn't frown at my new-found sense of humor. I was dying to show him my new t-shirt; I knew he would get a kick out of it.

"Actually, we can go there tonight, if you'd like?" He followed me inside.

"Sure. Great," I said, and disappeared into the bathroom again to brush my teeth. My body tensed as I anticipated him. On cue, as always, he entered the bathroom, coming to a stop behind me. I felt his eyes burn holes in the back of my head as I brushed my teeth a little too vigorously.

But instead of slipping his arms around me as he usually did, Edward lowered his lips to my neck, his hand brushing the hair off my shoulder. His smooth lips on my skin sent shivers through me; my heart stuttered as sudden and surprising desire flared up from somewhere deep inside. _Yes! _my unpredictable hormones chorused with delightful relief.

My toothbrush dropped, and I was in his arms instantly. My lips mashed against his in a urgent, ravenous kiss, while Edward's hands roamed my body. A moan slid past his lips to mingle with my own whimpers. We both knew that there was no time to waste. We had grown accustomed to these rare occasions, where rare desire would flare up, and we always lost ourselves in it, without questions, without care about time or being late for classes. Luckily, I didn't have class today, but Edward did. He didn't seem to care too much about that, though, and I was glad for that, because, honestly, how long had it been?

My body cried out in joy at the familiar rush of blood through my veins, the elevation of my heart rate and, ultimately, at the intimacy I loved and craved. I wanted to savor it, to drag it out to make it last for hours and hours because, God, I missed this—I missed _us_. However, I knew from experience that it only lasted for so long, before those nameless and faceless shadows came slithering out of some unknown place, and there wasn't one single thing worse than losing passion in the midst of our naked bodies moving together as one. . . .

We were both panting as we pulled away, temporarily satisfied.

"I have missed you, Edward," I whispered honestly as I ran my hands across the perfection of his chest. He shuddered beneath my touch, then turned to face me.

"You know that I am always here for you, Bella. I always want you. You know that, right?"

I nodded, smiling wistfully. How I knew that to be so true. Too bad I had to go and get all grown up—_somewhat_ grown up. If I had been a fully qualified adult, I wouldn't have my special little collection of 'what ifs' to torture myself with; nor would I be hiding like the chicken I was. I would dig down deep and sort through the mess of my mind and come up with a solution that both Edward and I deserved.

The truth.

Slowly, I felt the moment pass, and I leaned in quickly to peck Edward's perfectly chiseled jaw, before getting out of bed. I picked up the garments littering the floor on my way back to the bathroom.

I finished brushing my teeth with haste, and then called out "Bye!" before slipping out the door.

Not until I was in my car could I breathe out fully.

Without further hesitation, I started the car. It purred at me, as if to say "Good morning." It elicited a small smile from my lips and I put it into gear, driving off with tires squealing and smoking.

It was still fairly early still, and usually the library was mostly empty at this time of the morning. Especially on Fridays. The thought of having almost the entire library to myself made me relax. I cut the engine, having arrived, and gathered my books, humming the melody of the latest song out from the radio.

I'm not exactly sure what came over me next, and for some strange reason, the whole incident that followed was bizarre, if anything. Something that did occur to me, however, was that I couldn't hold off dealing with my emotions for much longer, because my behavior was just thoroughly unacceptable.

Stepping out of the car, I didn't look anywhere in particular, so when my eyes locked on a pair of intensely brown ones, my heart jumped up into my throat and for a split second I felt such joy that it brought tears to my eyes.

"Are you okay?" a deep, husky voice asked me.

I blinked. Once. Twice. And finally the rest of his face came into focus. He was probably around my age. His hair was cropped short, and while his eyes held me captive, they questioned me. I stared, shamelessly, drinking in his handsome features, like I had been wandering the desert aimlessly for days. _God, woman, get a hold of yourself._ I couldn't. Instead I took note of his strong jaw, the three-day stubble and the dimples that appeared when he smirked.

My brain turned to mush, and for a moment I seemed to have completely forgotten how to hold a civilized conversation. That is, the kind where you actually put words together in sync with the movements of your lips.

"I, uh . . ."

_Brilliant._

His top lip curled slightly, and I resorted to ogling the dimples. Then, suddenly, he disappeared from my view, ducking down. Dumbly, I followed him with only my eyes, incapable of mustering much else, and it wasn't until I realized that he was picking up familiar-looking books and papers from the ground that my brain started working again.

"Oh my God, I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me . . . You reminded me of someone I haven't seen in a long while and . . . I guess I just went into shock." I was rambling like a pro.

He handed me my things, the smirk still firmly in place. "That's all right." His voice was so very appealing, in such a familiar kind of way, yet so completely different.

"Do you live here or do you study here?" he asked then, and, in spite of my better judgment—that, of course, dependent on possessing judgment to begin with, but never mind—I found myself giving him a lot more information than the answer to his question.

Next thing I knew, we were walking toward the library together, chatting easily. Yet another thing that held a distant familiarity, making my little bubble protest back in the darkest recesses of my mind. It tried to pull out memories from a bygone time: sitting in a garage with a boy, a boy who could very well have, by now, looked rather similar to this man strolling lazily beside me. Still he was nothing like him, and that made my stomach twist with guilt and . . . loss.

"Wow. Forks. Isn't that really close to the Quileute reservation?" His question jolted me like I had just been tasered. My reaction didn't go unnoticed, and as my face heated he stopped to stare at me. I quickly tried to composed myself, attempting a smile, but felt the effort was a complete failure.

"Uh . . . Actually, yes. I used to play there as a kid. My dad is good friends with a few of them. Not so strange, though, considering he's the Chief of Police in Forks and all." I tried steering the conversation in a different direction, toward _anything_ else but La Push and the mess I had left behind.

"Hm . . . that's really interesting. I study Native American legends; I find them very fascinating. The Quileute legends, in particular. Did you know that their language is a fascination to many who like to study linguistics? Also, and this is one of my favorites: They believe themselves to be descendants from wolves. Quite a good read if you ask me."

I thought my eyes would pop out of my skull, and suddenly wished the ground would open up and swallow me whole. A nervous laugh. "Huh," was my only reply. If he only knew; I bet he'd regret delving into legends and myths if he knew how much truth lurked behind them.

"Say, would you like to grab a coffee or something? I was in a hurry out of my apartment this morning because, well, I have a very loud roommate, and his girlfriend came up from New York last night—let me tell you, I won't be going back there anytime soon." He gave a chuckle at that, and I allowed a slight smirk.

"You can always give him payback," I suggested, but didn't realize how very inappropriate it sounded until I saw the look on his face.

"Are you offering?" He grinned as his eyes twinkled playfully. My mouth went dry, and I could only stared at him. He burst out laughing. "Sorry," he said. "I have a bad habit of speaking from the gutter, where my mind visits frequently. No offense intended. Honest."

"Guess I left myself wide open for that one," I admitted grudgingly.

"Yeah, actually you kinda did." His smile was genuine, and I found myself taking a liking to this very blunt stranger.

Subsequently, I took him up on his offer without even really thinking about it. "Well, I guess one coffee wouldn't hurt." I returned his smile and followed him through the doors to the cafe.

**-xox-**

One hour later I was in tears, laughing at the stories he told me about himself and his roommate. Apparently they had both come here from New Jersey, friends from elementary school, planning all their lives to open up a business together. The way I pictured them in my head, getting up to no good, reminded me of. . . .

_Oh no, let's not relive that one again. That's enough for one day_, I told myself sharply.

"I just realized we've been talking for two hours, and I still don't know your name." He looked at me expectantly.

_What's the harm in a name?_ I thought and answered, "Bella." I wiped a straying tear that had escaped my eye. "And yours?"

"Jonathan. But call me Jon."

"A pleasure to meet you, Jon," I said, holding my hand out formally.

He took my hand and shook it. "Likewise, Bella." Then he rested his forearms on the table, leaning forward a little. "So, tell me: how long have you been married?"

I was totally unprepared for that one, and instantly my hand went to twist the ring on my ring finger. Guilt burned hot against my skin. What was I doing here, really? I had never been one to engage in smalltalk, let alone with a stranger. That was disregarding my days in La Push, together with my very best friend, which I really didn't have the right to call him, but that had been different. He hadn't been a stranger; he had been family. . . .

This wasn't him; this was a complete stranger that I had met in the car park across from the library.

Why was I freaking out? We were just having coffee. Jon hadn't even shown any interest in me, I mean, not in a way that told me I needed to remind him that I was married. Albeit he had taken the liberty to look for himself . . . and to bring it into the conversation.

"Four years coming up soon," I herd myself answer in all honesty, as with all his other questions, like I felt he was someone I could trust. I didn't feel like he was a stranger, even though he was and we had met only a couple of hours ago. Suddenly my phone rang, and I all but dove into my bag to fish it out.

Perfect. It was Alice. Nice timing.

Flipping it open, and putting a smile on my face, I said, "Hey, Alice," with the phone to my ear.

"Why do I see you showing up much later today than Edward?" she asked. _Jeez, she was nosy._

"Well, Alice. Because I will be stuck in the library longer than I thought."

"You two aren't fighting or anything, are you?"

_Seriously. _My eyes narrowed, wondering why she would make such assumptions. Even with the awkwardness from time to time, Edward and I didn't fight. Not really. Not anymore. There was nothing _to_ fight about to be honest.

"No, Alice. I don't understand what makes you say that."

I heard her sigh. She seemed resigned when she said, "I suppose I'm just worried because of my visions, as of late, and you have been acting strange, too."

"Well, you can rest assured"—I pondered fleetingly how that wasn't really possible for Alice, like, literally—"that what I told you at the mall the other day still stands. I mean it, Alice. Now will you stop looking, and give it a break, please? I have to go. I'll see you all later, okay?" I flipped my phone shut and shoved it back into my bag.

"Either you're a lesbian, or you have an overbearing friend or sibling," Jon said, his eyes holding mine as he sipped his coffee.

"Sister-in-law," I corrected, and then sighed, rolling my eyes dramatically.

"Oh. Just looking out for her brother, then?"

"If you only knew." How true that was.

"Maybe I should let you go? I don't want to get you into trouble."

I wanted to disagree and continue to chat. He was refreshing to talk to, and in ways it helped with the chaotic thoughts that were constantly threatening to break through the confines I had restricted them to. But at the same time I felt really guilty, no matter how innocent our conversation was. I had no intentions beyond what we were doing right now. To be truthful, there was only one other person that really interested me in such a way, but, as I had to keep telling myself all the time, that was deep water to be treading, and no good would come of even the thought of it.

"Unless . . ." Jon's eyes narrowed, his brows bunched together. "If you need someone to unload on, I'm a great listener. I know people say that a lot, just as an excuse to pry, but really. I can sit here and just listen, and not say anything, or I can give you my opinion, if you want that. Whichever part of the service you choose, I'm your guy."

Somehow his offer was so tempting. But I didn't even know where to begin or what to talk about. And, once again, I didn't know him. Not really. Suddenly I heard myself say, "What's in my head is so complicated that I can't even make sense of it myself, let alone explain it to someone."

Jon leaned forward, folding his arms in front of him on the tabletop. His eyes sparkling and alive, he said, "I'm a pro with complicated, trust me. I had a really fucked up childhood."

Curious, the prospect of finally getting to air some of the mess that was jumbled up inside me too tempting to resist, I allowed myself to accept his offer.

He held up one finger, as if asking me to hold the thought, and ordered us another round of coffee. "So," he said, sitting back down, "I'm all ears."

Well, this was going to be tricky. A lot of the problems I had were essentially problems simply because they didn't belong in this world, that is, the world of humans. "I'm not sure where to begin though. To tell you the truth, I've never talked to anyone about problems. I have always held all that stuff inside. I don't like burdening others with my issues." I looked down, fidgeting with my serviette.

"All right. How about I ask you questions?" I hesitated, and he hurriedly assured me that, "You pick whether to answer or not. Totally your call. No pressure."

Deciding that maybe it would help me loosen up, I agreed without further pause. "Sure."

"Does it have anything to do with that guy you mistook me for?"

Wow. So maybe I was an open book? I couldn't help it, but my mouth actually popped open with the sheer disbelief of his being right on the money. "I guess you could say that—or that's part of it, anyway."

Jon smiled, and then he fired another one at me. "Could he possibly be Quileute?"

I was stunned into silence.

He chuckled at my expression. "I told you I was a good listener. I'm kind of obsessively observant, too," he admitted, looking sheepish.

That made me feel slightly uncomfortable. I didn't want him to figure out just how deep my troubles went. Plus, I wasn't used to someone reading me so well. Only two people really had managed to see past all my horrible attempts at hiding the truth. Renee and Jake. And, in the end, even my mom had failed pretty badly, so that left Jake.

"So . . . there's a history with a Quileute guy from your teenage years," he counted on his fingers, "you married fresh outta high school, your sister-in-law keeps tabs on you, and you drive one hell of a car."

"That sums it all up beautifully," I said with a smirk and he laughed.

"Well, correct me if I am wrong, but something tells me that whatever you had with this Quileute boy was a big threat to your significant other, judging by the overprotective sister-in-law, who I think, now when I'm lookin' at it more closely, might be keeping tabs on you by the request of her brother? I mean, let's take the car you drive, for example. I'd say this Quileute boy and your husband came from opposite sides of the track, am I right? And somehow I get the feeling that since you're all the way out here studying, and your family is back in Forks, you didn't pick the right boy according to your family, maybe? You told me your dad was friends with a few people at the reservation," he pointed out as my eyes grew larger and owlish-like. "So now you're hiding, you're feeling guilt, your last semester's rapidly coming to an end." He paused as I practically gaped like a fish out of water. "Dare I throw in there that you, now, after much time and distance, have started thinking that . . . maybe you might have chosen wrong?"

I hadn't thought I'd made the wrong choice; I _knew_ I had. But I also didn't want to know what that meant. There were so many complications looming in the near future that I couldn't bear to to give it much thought, let alone analyze it.

Jon, sensing the conflict within, jumped forward. "Tell me about the Quileute guy. I mean, what was he like? Only if you want. Tell me to stop whenever."

Talk about Jake? I hadn't thought about Jake for so long. In fact, I had made an effort _not_to think about him. The least I could do was tell him his name, so that he would stop calling him the Quileute boy, or guy.

"His name is Jake." I stilled. The way my mouth shaped around his name felt . . . _so good_. Yet so painful at the same time. I hadn't spoken of him since that disaster of a wedding. Well, except for with Alice the other week. But this was different. I was supposed to _talk_about him, who he was, what he was like. . . .

My throat tightened as I furiously fought against the memories of that last evening, the last time I saw Jake, the last time I talked to him—the last time his arms were around me . . . This was all a mistake; I shouldn't be thinking about it, even less talk about it.

Jon noticed my inner battles. "Okay. Let's just forget the whole thing. Yeah? We can talk about the latest trend with spandex."

I choked out a laugh, and Jon grinned wide. "Nice—when you're running or working out," I said, sniffing.

"I'm more of a sweats-and-tee kinda guy," he said. "I like my freedom."

The image that his words painted into my mind was as unwelcome as it was uninvited. I had no idea why I was sitting here picturing Jon in sweats and a t-shirt. _Maybe just the sweats and no tee, right? _As it would seem, my mind was beginning to run loops, repeatedly returning to anything connected to Jake. And when I looked up at Jon, who was studying me now, I realized that apart from a slight difference in the slant of his smile, and the cut of his jaw, he and Jake weren't too unalike, in their looks. This was almost how I might have imagined what Jake looked like today.

I let my mind wander:_ Oh, Jake. Why did I mess things up so badly? _In spite of myself, I found myself wanting to know what he was up to. Probably he had imprinted by now, or at least found a girlfriend. The select few times that I had worked up the courage to call my dad over the years, I had never asked anything about Jake. At first, Charlie had tried to talk about him, but after a few phone calls I had flipped out and told him to never say his name again. And after that I hadn't called back. I was _such_ a drama-queen. And an even worse daughter. Poor Charlie. It wasn't his fault. But at the time I had been so desperate for not having to hear about Jake—I just hadn't wanted to be reminded.

As much as I wanted happiness for Jacob, a cold stone settled in my chest, growing, making my insides ache at the prospect of him having found his special someone. _Still the selfish little girl, aren't you_? I admonished myself.

"I don't want to push you," came Jon's voice, startling me. "Sorry . . . Okay, so if I can give you a piece of advice—take it or leave it, it's up to you—then I think that you have two choices really, as I see it. Either you bury it completely, or you reach out. Write the guy a letter or something, ask how he's doing and what he's up to. You might find that if you get in touch with him, he might not be the guy you remember, you know? Four years changes a lot, after all. Especially at our age; dashing young people and all, right?" He winked, then cleared his throat. "So anyway. One moment you're a kid, the next you're becoming an adult. Nothing ever stays the same, Bella, so you gotta grab a hold with both hands, while you have the chance. Personally I hate 'what ifs', so I try to live life to the fullest, every day . . . I don't wanna live with regrets."

The words tolled through my mind, through my body, like an ominous clock ticking closer and closer to midnight. _Oh God, here we go again._

Regrets . . . Wasn't that how I was living my life? Regretting all the things I didn't take the time to explore? It would have been so easy to just _try_. To see what it would have been like with Jake. Possibly I would have come to find that we didn't fit together at all, and then I wouldn't have to be sitting here now, freaking out about where my life was heading. I wouldn't be walking around, constantly fighting back all the images and fantasies about my best friend who had fought so hard for my humanity.

_Well, Jake. Looks like you won that battle in the end; I love my humanity._

Maturing made you realize that you don't know nearly as much as you think you do, and that it's fine. But if there was one thing I did know, then it was that I didn't want to be frozen for an eternity.

"I think it might be a bad idea to write a letter," I told Jon. "He's not the letter-writing type, for starters; he's the 'hands on, take it at face value'-type of guy. I doubt he has changed much. Their culture is a bit different than ours, after all." And it was true, so very true.

"Huh. Yeah, maybe . . . but I was just sitting here thinking that you're constantly drifting off to a place where I bet he is, right? So that's why I thought it might've been worth a shot. But, hey, if you are sure about your husband, then you should definitely not be writing any letters to your childhood sweetheart."

I smiled. "I _am_ sure about my husband. He was my _high school_ sweetheart. It's just that . . . after I got together with Edward, Jake started showing interest, you know? And even though some things happened, that brought us closer together, in the end I stayed with Edward. The girl I was then knew that Jake was the right choice for me. Ultimately, though, it was Edward who had won my heart in the end."

Jon nodded, his eyes showing me understanding. "Sounds to me that you had to make a tough choice though. You loved them both, right? Or am I wrong?"

He really was a good listener. And he managed to pick out the most important parts that defined just how challenging this was to live with. It helped me look at in a different light. Also it was becoming increasingly easier to just . . . let go. "Yeah," I admitted. "I did—actually, I still do. But what can you do? Life just has a way of presenting you with all these choices, really difficult ones sometimes, but you have to make the choice. You _have_to." Again my cell phone rang. I picked it up, annoyed that she wouldn't leave me alone. "Alice," I warned.

"Bells?" came a very familiar voice on the other side of the line.

I jumped up, nearly knocking my coffee over. "Dad!" I choked out. "Oh, Dad, I was just thinking about calling you last night, and here you are calling me." The words poured out of me like water from a released dam. "How are you? How's Forks?" I heard his low, rumbling laugh on the other side of the line, and my throat closed with emotion. I had missed him _so much._

"Well, hi there, kiddo," he said, sounding both excited and surprised. "Didn't expect you to be so happy that I called. Not that I'm complaining, Bells."

"But I am!" I blurted wetly. "It's _so good_ to hear your voice."

Jon was smiling at me from across the table. I bet I looked like a raving lunatic, grinning from ear to ear, and with tears leaking out of the corners of my eyes.

"Listen, Bells. Uh . . . there's something I wanted to talk to you about . . ." And the moment he'd said it, I felt a familiar weight of dread pulling my entire face into a frown before settling heavily in my stomach.

After a pause, I carefully asked, "What is it?"

"Maybe you should sit down."

Oh God. This couldn't be good. Abruptly, I found myself dodging the part of me that was well past freaking out. "Okay. I'm sitting down," I lied.

"Okay. Good. Right, well . . . Bells?" A dramatic pause. "I'm getting married." He was grinning.

"Dad!" _Ugh. _"I thought someone had died or something! That was so mean. So, um, who's the lucky lady?" I said playfully, mentally rolling my eyes at both my dad and myself.

"Sue Clearwater." I could hear a certain softness in his voice when he spoke her name.

No one was dying. Disaster wasn't imminent. All was good. "Well, that's really great news, Dad. Congratulations." I, too, was smiling now.

"Thanks, Bells. You know . . . it would be great if you could be here for the wedding." He spoke carefully, slowly, knowing that I didn't want to come back to Forks, but still it struck me like a bolt of lightning from a clear sky.

"Dad . . ." I said. "I . . . I just don't know. I'd have to talk to Edward first, okay?" That was the worst, most ridiculous excuse ever. But I just couldn't tell him the real truth behind why I didn't want to set my foot in Forks. As if I could get away with it, though; my dad was far more observant these days. Damn it.

"If this is about Jake . . . Bells, honey? Don't you think it's time to let all that go?"

It was an involuntary flinch, but Jon noticed it, and he looked up at me sympathetically. "Maybe I can, but I doubt he can . . ."

"Bells. Jake is barely around these days. There's a big chance he won't even be here for the wedding. So don't stay away just because of Jake. Okay, kiddo?"

Not around? Had he moved away? Had he gone fully wolf and roamed the forests these days or what? My heart squeezed and I stuffed it swiftly aside. I did realize, however, that I actually wanted to go to my dad's wedding. He came to mine, so it was only fair and right that I went to his.

"Bella?"

"Yeah, I'm here."

"He has changed a lot," Charlie went on. "He wouldn't give you any problems. He's not a kid anymore, honey. You gotta remember that it's been almost four years since you left."

"Stop talking about him, Dad," I snapped, and instantly winced, hurriedly apologizing. "Sorry, Dad. I just . . . Can we please not talk about him?"

Jon frowned and tutted at me, wagging his finger as if chiding a kid. I gave in to a very immature notion and poked out my tongue. He chuckled, shaking his head.

"Is that Edward with you? I didn't interrupt anything did I?" Charlie sounded mortified.

"Jeez, Dad. Calm down; don't bust a vein." I heard him laugh.

"All right, all right, I'm sorry. You can never be too sure," he defended gruffly.

I sighed. "Look. I'll think about it. Okay, Dad? I'll call you back later—when is the wedding, by the way?"

"Next weekend; Saturday at noon. First Beach." I froze. And then I groaned in spite of myself. "Just think about it. Okay, honey? I'll talk to you later; I gotta get back to work."

"Okay," I said automatically. "Talk to you later."

Charlie hung up.

I slouched down into the chair, puffing my cheeks out, and heaved a loud sigh.

"Uh-oh. That didn't sound promising. So he's getting married, huh?"

"Yeah," I said, nodding absently. "He's getting married to a woman in La Push. They're gonna have the wedding on _First Beach_. I . . . I can't say no. I can't _not_ go. I owe him. He came to my wedding, even if he didn't like it. Actually, I think he kind of hated it."

I think, in that moment, Jon could catch an inkling as to how complicated my life really was.

"All right. Maybe there's a lot of stuff beneath the surface that I'm not getting. Still, it sounds like you're gonna get a perfect opportunity to see with your own eyes how life has changed at home. I know myself how hard it can be, returning to the scene of the crime . . . pardon the pun."

I snickered; he couldn't possibly know how fitting his choice of words were.

"Jon," I began.

"Oh yeah. I know this part. This is where you leave me to my demise." He winked.

Laughingly, I continued, "Right. Well, it's been great chatting with you, but I really have to go. I have to go hide out in the library to work on my project a little before I go visiting the in-laws." I stood up and grabbed my bag.

"It's been intriguing and fun. I hope we run into each other again some time."

"Me too." And I sincerely meant it. Winking, I said, "And I hope your roommate settles down."

He scoffed. "Yeah right. The chances of that are zero to none."

"I'll see you around." I held my hand out and he took it in a firm grip, shaking it.

"Take care, Bella. And remember: kick those regrets in the ass."

I smiled at him, and then walked out of the cafe.

**-xox-**

When I got home that afternoon I was ready to burst out of my skin. The excitement that had built up under the afternoon was like a wild animal inside me; the harder I tried to contain it the more furiously it fought to get out. I was going to see my dad, and I couldn't wait.

Edward had already come and gone, so I was able to get myself ready without having to worry about theatrics or pretenses.

After a semi-long shower, I pulled on a pair of faded low-riders and my new t-shirt. I did a little twirl in front of the mirror, giggling at the _Bite Me_ print on my chest. Emmett would love it. As for the rest of them, well, I doubted it.

I got into my car and sped out of Hanover, toward the large colonial country cottage Carlisle and Esme had purchased four years ago, in preparations for our future at Darmouth.

Edward was at my door the moment I arrived, holding it open for me. Emmett stood at the bottom of the large porch steps, grinning and me widely.

"Alice told me you had something to show me—"

"_Alice_," I hissed, disapprovingly dragging her name out. "It was supposed to be a surprise."

Alice glided down the stairs, skipping over to where I stood rolling my eyes at her to give me a hug. I sighed but grinned, and returned her embrace.

"Well, what is it?" Emmett said impatiently.

I came around the car, and then made a dramatic sweep with one hand to demonstrate my chest, well, what was covering it, more like.

"Ohh. Edward, you have to admit that this is the best one so far." Emmett was at my side instantly, picking me up and twirling me.

"I knew you'd like it." I smiled. "How come everyone else are so up-tight?"

With Emmett I was still who I was four years ago; as in, without regrets about my choice of marrying into a family full of vampires. He was a big kid, and in his company, so was I.

Spending time with all of them together always put me at ease. There were no endless silences that stretched on and on. No awkward moments. There was always something on the agenda.

One thing had changed though, and that was Rosalie. Well, not that she was a _thing_, but, anyway. She may not have been able to predict the future, but she had observed my changes over the years and, to my amazement, she had opened up to me. We weren't BFFs, by any means, but I was glad that she had thawed out a bit. But I understood her now, and everything that she had tried to tell me all those years ago, while sitting alone in Edwards room, awaiting impending doom—_execution_ by an army of newborns.

The only thing that had started getting to me was that when we were here, at dinnertime, I always sat alone, while the rest of them were off somewhere, engaged in their hobbies and pastimes. Of course, there was always the one exception: Edward.

He was looking at me now as I picked at the lovely meal Esme had prepared for me. He pulled me out of my silence. "Is something the matter?"

"Not really . . ." I paused. "Well, Charlie called today."

"Ah, yes. Alice has seen that you will be going to Forks next weekend . . ." He fell silent as he reached out, bringing my constantly straying gaze back to his by placing a cool finger under my chin. "Why do you not want me to come with you, love?"

I flinched, turning from him. I had thought about asking to go alone. After all, I never had much time to myself these days. Unless you counted the endless hours I spent in the library, or going to lectures. I didn't know I had made up my mind to go alone, until his probing eyes drew the truth out of me.

Spending time alone with Charlie was a very attractive prospect; spending time alone in my room wasn't. But, then, there was the issue of La Push and Forks, and a very specific treaty line that existed between the two, forbidding vampires to cross over onto Quileute lands.

"I just don't think it's a good idea. We didn't exactly part under good terms." My blood ran cold as it dawned on me that I categorized myself with them. It was no longer _I_ and _them_, it had become _we_. Which instantly made my heart give a flutter of worry; what if they didn't want me to come? Maybe they suspected that I had been turned already. After all, I hadn't been back in Forks for four years, and nobody had been to Hanover to see me.

A few years ago I would have been thrilled to be a vampire. It was my biggest dream, apart from being with Edward. Perhaps a very romantic and irresponsible and completely _insane_dream. None the less, I had shunned a lot of people in the few years I had lived in Forks.

Suddenly my excitement was crushed as the bubble burst. All my fears and regrets from the past spilled forth into my conscious; I felt ashamed, I felt embarrassed. Since when did I care what people thought of me?

And then I realized that it wasn't so much what others thought of me that worried me; it was what I would no doubt think of myself as soon as I went back in time. Ironically, I felt like Scrooge, being visited by the ghosts, and the ominous tolling of the bell in my head, racing me toward the midnight of my life, had me in a fierce grip of terror. Who would have thought, after all that I had been through, that the scariest things were yet ahead of me? But it wasn't a fear of nightmarish creatures that go bump in the night that had set me on that particular course; it was the fear of _life itself_. I had been a damn cynic, somehow, and I had caught glimpses of how prospectively scary life could be. And, as such, death had seemed so much easier. An escape. A nullification of trial and error.

Well, I wasn't a kid anymore. I _wanted_ scary; I _wanted_ to face the ghosts of my past. Most of all, though, I just wanted to be alive and human and do all the things that humans do. No matter how much it terrified me. Were I to be honest with myself, it _excited_ me at the same time.

Finally I said, gently, "I'm going alone, Edward. And I know that you will be understanding and respect my wishes. Also, you will ask Alice to stop looking into my future. I can't live like this anymore." I slid my hand across the tabletop to caress Edward's. So cold, and so smooth. And too—just _far too perfect_.

"I already knew, but . . . as you wish." He gave me his signifying smile: so beautiful, and so breathtaking, yet so tortured. I tried to smile back, to make it go away, but I think that we both knew that things weren't the way they used to be. And if we'd had any chances of fixing it, we had let them slip right past us.

I had grown up. And, as humans do, I had changed.

**-xox-**

* * *

_Edited: March, 2012._


	2. Had Enough

**-x Chapter Two x-**

* * *

_You had to have it all, well have you had enough?/ You greedy little bastard, you will get what you deserve / When all is said and done, I will be the one / To leave you in your misery and hate what you've become. / "Had Enough," by Breaking Benjamin_

* * *

**-x Had Enough x-**

* * *

Leaving Edward and the comforting cocoon of my apartment in Hanover had been a lot more difficult than I could have predicted. It had taken Edward several minutes to pry my arms from around his neck so that he could get me through the gate on time. I don't know what came over me. One moment I was pumped, and oh so excited about my trip to watch my dad tie the knot—and in the next, as we approached the airport, I'd started hyperventilating. For a brief moment I was my 18-year-old self again: going _anywhere_without Edward was the most appalling prospect in the entire world.

Thankfully, that hadn't lasted very long, because the moment the plane lifted off the ground, I had felt ten _ton_ worth of chains lighter. I'd been giddy with relief.

And now I was standing in my dad's living room, staring at absolutely _everything_. I don't know why I was so surprised, but men sure don't like change, do they? Well, the fact that everything was exactly the same as I remembered it was strangely comforting . . . and scary at the same time.

As I moved through the house, my fingertips trailing walls, doorhandles, counter tops, the railing as I took the stairs, one step at a time, finally coming to rest on the door handle to my room, I remained completely silent. I pushed a door open—and stopped. Taking in the familiar setting before me, I let my eyes wander around my room, much with the same tentative care as the tips of my fingers had traced well-known surfaces and textures. . . .

_You have _got_ to be kidding me._

I fought back, tooth and nail, against the sudden prickle of tears. On my desk, where I had left it the day of my final dress fitting, rested a bracelet, two familiar pendants clinging to it as securely as I did to the handle under my straining knuckles.

I spun quickly away, and closed the door behind me.

"So, what's for dinner?" came my dad's voice.

I gave a jerk, startled. With a part of me still suspended in what once was, old habits took over and came to the rescue. After exhaling, I said mechanically, "I'll go check." When he started laughing, I didn't get what was so funny. Until . . . _Oh_. The dust settled back in the wake of having been stirred, and I rolled my eyes. "That was totally mean."

"Sorry, kiddo. I just couldn't resist."

As I turned, my dad's sheepish grin drew my gaze. "You know what? I'm kinda hungry," I admitted, feeling my stomach churn. "Is there anything in the fridge?"

Charlie had this apologetic look on his face, reminding me of a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "I don't eat at home much. It's either the diner or Sue's place."

"Not even _fish_?" I gasped theatrically.

"I give it to Sue these days," he admitted, looking guilty.

I had to laugh. "Okay. Does that mean we have to go to the diner?" I didn't like that idea very much. That would mean going out into the public eye, adding to the risk of bumping into people I used to go to school with. A prospect that, as pathetic as it was, scared me and made my bones shrivel a little. The more likely reality, however, was that they had been good little boys and girls, moving on to college and university, leaving Forks behind forever.

When my dad didn't answer straight away, I tilted my head, studying his expression. He seemed a bit torn. I sighed. "Spit it out, Dad."

"Well," he began. "You don't have to do this, but, uh . . ." He scratched his chin, stalling. I rolled my eyes, and it coaxed a short-lived grin. "All right. Sue invited us over for dinner," he revealed, seeming apologetic.

The air whooshed out of my lungs.

I was _so_ not going up to La Push. I didn't want to spend a minute more there than I absolutely had to. However, I did have this growing curiosity and a strange, excited-like determination to face things I wouldn't have had the guts to face before. It was a potent, convincing force inside me. As such, I shrugged and said, "Sure, why not? That's very kind of her," much to my dad's astonishment. Charlie's surprise made me smile.

"I have changed too, Dad." I stepped toward him and kissed his cheek, continuing past him to skip outside before the cowardly-me could make a reappearance. I felt my smile drop so fast it was almost painful. "Unbelievable . . . _Dad!_"

Charlie appeared in the doorway, eyes darting around worriedly. "What? What's wrong?"

I stood with my arms crossed, jerking my chin toward the draped monstrosity sitting on the lawn next to the house. I hadn't noticed it when we first arrived; I had been too wrapped up in my own thoughts.

"Oh," came his anti-climactic reply. Charlie looked down as a strange expression crossed his face.

"Well?" I pressed.

"Uh, Bells, I don't think—"

"Oh, for God's sake, Dad, just out with it," I demanded impatiently. I suspected there was a really interesting explanation as to why my Chevy was still sitting here.

"You asked for it, kiddo," he muttered. "Well, I was gonna take it to the junk yard, but Jake didn't allow me to. I mean, he seriously bunked out on it . . . for a _full week_. Even in the rain. And in the end I just had to give in, Bells. Just imagine the things Billy would do to me if his kid died of pneumonia, in _my yard_. I didn't have much of a choice. I'm sorry," he grumbled brusquely.

I turned from my dad to my truck, and then back to my dad—was he trying to keep a grin off his face?—and back to my truck again. I tried to picture it in my head: Jake sitting there, in the rain. His powerful body, soaked—my mouth felt very dry all of a sudden, and my face almost exploded with heat. What the hell was happening to me? I was mortified. I had never, _ever_ reacted like this to my best friend—_stop it right there_. As if I had the right to call him my best friend. I had treated him like my personal, emotional punching bag. _Try slave for appropriate._

"Bells?"

I blinked dumbly. My hand fluttered to my face, and I pressed cold fingers into my cheeks. "Yeah," I said unevenly. "Let's go see Sue. I think my brain is hemorrhaging from lack of nutrition." That had to be it.

Charlie gave me a puzzled look, but shrugged helplessly and shut the door. "All right . . ."

**-xox-**

When we drove across the treaty-line, I sat up rigidly in my seat. I fidgeted nervously, and the hairs on my neck stood on end. If my dad noticed, he didn't let on.

I flinched as the echo of a howl broke through the confines of my subconscious. Some things I just wasn't allowed to suppress, and I felt irritated that my bubble was betraying me—now, of all times.

We arrived at the Clearwaters' after what felt like hours.

Sue hadn't changed much; she was gentle and polite as ever. "Oh! Well, would you have a look at that!" she exclaimed. "Welcome back, Bella," she gushed, startling me by wrapping her arms tightly around my awkward self. I looked to my dad for help, but he just grinned. He was enjoying this, I bet.

And then Seth came around the corner; I actually stumbled backward, several steps. I couldn't believe my eyes—he was _huge—_and judging from my dad's guffaws, I guessed my shock was as comical as it was obvious. In spite of the involuntary steps I had taken, I had to back up a little more so I could see _all of him_ without having to snap my neck.

The grin on his face was one of pure amusement and pride. "Hey, Bella." Seth's voice was deep and husky, and so grown-up.

My mind was reeling. "Wow, Seth. You're, uh . . . _huge_."

"Yup. You should see—_hey,_" he complained as Sue hit him with a wooden spoon.

"See what?" I asked suspiciously. But Sue shot him a steely look of warning.

"Uh . . . nothing. So, uh, yeah," he fumbled. "How's Edward?"

Oh, right. I had completely forgotten about the camaraderie forged between Seth and Edward that day outside the tent—it seemed a lifetime ago. I quickly deflected further thoughts on the subject, not wanting to be dragged down memory lane, yet again.

I put on a smile, finding it rather effortless. I was so good at pretending these days. "He's doing pretty well. I seriously can't wait to tell him how big you've gotten."

Seth flashed me a toothy grin, and then Sue called us from the kitchen. I hadn't even noticed her leaving.

Dinner was lovely. Sue was an amazing cook, and I was so happy Charlie had finally let someone into his heart. It sure took him a while, but he got there eventually. All it took was time.

"So, Bella . . . tell us about college; we've been dying to know how things are going for you." Sue settled back into the chair, giving me a kind smile.

"Dartmouth is great," I admitted easily. "I mean, not in a million years could I have ever imagined what an amazing experience college would be. I honestly have loved every moment of it." Mostly. Up until lately, anyway. Not that that had anything to do with my studies. It was more to do with the things that had been begging to be resolved. As a result, my emotions had suffered at the expense of mindlessly throwing myself into my studies. But, oh well.

"That sounds lovely, dear. I'm so happy for you."

I nearly slapped myself as the next words slipped out of my mouth. "I'm actually considering applying for a teaching position in Seattle. My Professor is so taken with me that he has promised to write me a letter of recommendation, bragging about his favorite student."

Charlie started coughing, his face bursting into an impressive display of the red color spectrum, darkening by the second.

I almost got up, hovering in a half-standing position. "_Dad_? Are you okay?"

Seth slapped his back a few times, and I winced, hoping he was being gentle. But the smile he flashed me assured me that he knew what he was doing.

"Yeah," Charlie gasped. "I'm great. I mean, you're coming back; that's really nice, Bells."

My throat tightened with emotion at my dad's joy over the prospect of having me closer to home. "I need to get accepted first. Well, before that I need to send out the application, but don't get your hopes up too much."

Sue began moving around, clearing the table. I got up to help but she waved me off, telling me "I've got it, sweetie. Sit down and relax with your dad," so I sat back down obediently and watched her scurry around the kitchen while swatting at Seth when he tried to get his hands on the dessert.

Listening to the loving, lively banter between the three of them, I found myself relaxing; a smile slowly spread across my lips. Coming here had been downright terrifying, but now when I was here, seeing my dad so happy, I felt it was worth everything. Nothing, absolutely nothing, could measure up to what I felt at that particular moment.

And I had thought that nothing could ruin the moment. But, as it turned out, I was wrong. Of course I was wrong. I had come to learn that I was wrong, a lot. Instead of deluding myself, stubbornly ignoring that it was okay that I was wrong, I had come to accept it, with a mild sense of compliance. So, there I was, enjoying the scenery: Dad trying to help Sue, who in turn kept chasing him off, all the while with a playful smile on her face, telling him to make as much as possible of these few short days I would be here. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Seth, whose face suddenly took on the severity of thunder and lightning—it was funny that after having been gone for so long, that I still somehow recognized their expressions; I could almost tell what was wrong.

My dad noticed the look on his face too, and his eyes darted instantly in the direction of the door. Next thing I knew, my dad and Seth bolted out of the kitchen, leaving me and Sue to stare after them, dumbfounded.

The door opened, and the door shut, with a slam.

"What's going on?" I asked, not really wanting to know, but still not able to stop myself from asking. It was that incurable curiosity again.

Sue looked at me, her face sad. "I'm sorry about this . . . we tried to keep her away."

"Where is she?" came a distantly familiar voice. "I can smell her—_ow_! Get off me Seth! Goddamn idiot; look what you did!"

My eyes all but popped out of my skull, and I froze.

"Leah," my dad warned. "You better control yourself, young lady. That's my daughter in there."

"I don't care. She needs to hear this; it's been a long time coming and it's time for reckoning."

I shrunk back in my chair. And then she was there, in all her beautiful, terrifying glory. Yeah, there was no mistaking that she was gorgeous, and the feral fury in her face didn't diminish it. If anything, it made her all the more breathtaking.

Seth had her by the arms, and she strained against him. My dad came around the corner too, his face a deep crimson. And Sue, well, she shook her head and kept looking from where I sat to her own daughter with a shameful, yet apologetic expression marring her gentle features.

"Um, hey, Leah," I croaked, knowing I should have probably kept my mouth shut, but it didn't hurt trying, right? Or maybe it did. Probably. Most definitely.

Leah's eyes widened, if that was even possible; they were already bulging in their sockets with the struggle she kept putting up against Seth's restraint. It actually looked rather scary. "Don't you say a damn word!" she spat. "How _dare _you show your face here after all the shit that you've done? I would have thought that after a few years you might grow up, but I always knew you'd come back here some day, and I was right. I told him—"

"Shut up, Leah," Seth growled at her.

"The hell I will!" she snarled back.

Charlie stepped in front of her, jamming his finger not even an inch from her face.

"Now you listen to me: I'm marrying your mother tomorrow, and I won't stand for the lack of respect you're showing. If you can't control yourself, then you'll stay away until Bella has left. And just so you know . . . if you so much as damage one hair on her body I will shoot you, and don't think I won't."

My mouth didn't work, neither did the rest of my body. I just sat there, staring. It wasn't fear.; it was pure shock. And not because of the threat that had just come out of my dad's mouth. It was the lack of reaction from Sue or Seth. Well, lack of negative reaction. It seemed like they were supporting my dad.

How many kinds of messed up was this place?

Suddenly everything started working at the same time, and I shot out of my chair, shoving my dad out of the way, to the amazement of both of us. Before I could stop myself, I was grinding the words out. "Look. I don't care what your beef with me is, but you keep it away from my dad, got it? Or I swear you'll have one hell of an entourage on your self-righteous little ass!" Adrenaline surged through my veins, but I wasn't done. "And don't go assuming things either. I came here for the sake of my dad, because he deserves to have his daughter at his wedding. I didn't want to come back, but that's because I didn't want to hurt anyone, because—yes, you're so right, you don't even know how right you are: I know very well what shit I've done, as you so eloquently put it, and I am every bit as remorseful as you are pissed. So, if you think you were coming here to hurt me, then good luck, you only hurt my dad and Sue. However, if you came here thinking you'd get rid of me, consider it done. Because I'm leaving, now." Trembling from head to toe I rounded her, marching straight for the door, snatching up my purse and my jacket on the way through the hallway, not missing one step.

"Bells!" Charlie called after me, but I wasn't listening. I was _so_ pissed, so damn pissed that it had been difficult not to hold back the fist I wanted to plant in her face. But I knew that that I'd be the only one suffering from that. I didn't want to give away the pack in front of my dad. No matter if they didn't like me anymore; I would never betray them.

I pounded down the stairs, off the porch, across the gravel path, and started running up the road. My legs pushed me forward, and holy hell it felt good to run. I had missed my Thursday session because I had been scatter-brained and freaking out about what to wear to my dad's wedding. Spending way too much time with Alice at the mall, trying on one too many ensembles, had irritated me more than usual—I felt the tension in my body as it cried out for release. My track-run was part of my weekly routine now, and if I missed one I felt it deep in my bones.

As the road stretched forward, a familiar house came into view, and I nearly lost my footing as I stared at it. But twenty-two year old Bella was not clumsy; I had the legs of an athlete and rarely fell over or tripped these days, and it was all because of my own hard work— "Ouch!" The air whooshed out of me as I collided with something solid. I was sent backward, landing firmly on my butt. Sharp darts shot up my spine and I groaned in pain. "Shoot . . . _ow. _Goddammit!" I squeezed my lids shut; my eyes wanted to roll back in my head at the throbbing pain in my lower back. Okay. So running off in the dark hadn't been the greatest plan. I could appreciate that now.

"Bella!" I heard my dad yell from behind me.

I bit my lip, holding back a fit of curses bursting for release. I didn't swear much; I mean, usually I didn't. T pain in my lower back, however, and my butt, was vengeful. I just hoped I hadn't shattered my tailbone. Those injuries took an age to heal, and sitting would be impossible for many weeks to come, which would screw up my hopes of finishing my project. Or, well, maybe not. I'd just have to stand and write.

My dad's footsteps come to a skidding halt behind me. He let out a shuddering gasp. Yeah, I knew that he thought I was just a klutz; he probably just couldn't believe I'd even consider trying to run away, what with my general klutziness and all. But then he didn't say anything, which made me open my eyes and turn. Charlie wasn't looking at me—well,_looking_ was an understatement. He seemed to stare ahead, his eyes too shadowed for me to read them, so I followed the general direction of his focus.

My heart stopped, literally—or I couldn't be certain. As it would seem, I had lost a lot of the sensory abilities that would actually allow me to judge if _anything_ in my body functioned. Except for, perhaps, my brain. My brain always functioned, although maybe not in the common terms that applied to _function _as a sign of usefulness. Either way I could somewhat carry on an inner debate as to whether I wanted to believe what I saw . . . or not.

A man stood towering above me. His shoulders broad, his stance rigid. I tried to see his face, but in the dark I couldn't make out much except for that he appeared stoic. But the mouth . . . those full lips; his strong, defined jaw, tense; the eyes hidden in shadow beneath his black, shaggy eyebrows; and the hair just one big mess, standing in all directions, definitely defying gravity (hair gel or wax? I'd have to touch it to be able to tell). . . .

I attempted to swallow, a dry and painful effort. My mouth seemed zapped of moisture; probably because it was hanging open.

A long-sleeved t-shirt hugged his muscular chest, the sleeves pushed up to the elbows, the light color of the material contrasting against russet skin. His jeans were slung low, slightly loose, bunching at the bottom—_oh my, he's wearing shoes_, I noted dumbly.

Without my permission, my eyes continued to roam up and down the tall, immobile figure before me. Strange how I couldn't stop myself from appreciating what I found. To my horror, my body reacted to it shamefully: blood pounded behind my ears, slaving at the furious pace of my heart.

Finally I paused at his face, trying to search for his eyes, but were still unable to find them in the shadows. I did notice, however, that his expression had changed: a sarcastic smirk._God, what an ass. _Mortified, I groaned.

"Jake," came my dad's voice, "I didn't know you were in town."

"Just checking in on Billy, Chief," the low, husky voice replied.

"Ah," Charlie grunted. "Well, as you can see . . . Bella is back." Charlies' announcement held an anti-climactic yet guarded tenor, as if he was unsure how these news would affect the subjects in front of him. I wasn't sure if it was for my benefit or for Jake's. Maybe for the both of us?

"I can see that," came an equally guarded reply. "And some things never change," he added.

Wait. Hold up. Was he _laughing_ at me?

"Ugh." I exhaled indignantly. "Some help?" I craned my neck, looking to Dad for help. Charlie scrambled to hook his arms under mine, and lifted me. I shot a wary glance at Jake, who was still standing there, rigidly. At a wild observation it seemed as if he were locking himself down, still the immovable rock.

"Bells, are you okay?" Dad's concern pulled my gaze away from Jake. I just nodded stiffly. "All right," he hedged. And then he went on, in a sad inquiry, "Did you really mean what you said in there?"

Which part? I had said a lot, most of which I couldn't remember now, because a certain someone who was still standing next to us like an imposing mountain in the darkness.

"If you are referring to 'I'm leaving' then, yes." I sighed. "I shouldn't have come. I know you may not agree with what Leah said, Dad, but please don't be so hard on her . . . She's right," I admitted guiltily.

I heard a vile profanity, and then suddenly Jake whipped past us. I stared dumbly at the empty spot where he had stood, motionless, only seconds before. My dad released me simultaneously, and shot after Jake.

"Jake! Son! Don't!"

As I stood there, bewildered and confused, I blinked stupidly. "Whoa . . ." And with that I started making my way back to the Clearwaters, taking the hint: running through La Push in the dark was not wise.

A shouting-fest erupted before I made it back. Sure, they had been running and I was walking—no, limping. I rubbed my lower back absentmindedly.

"Are you serious?" Leah shrieked.

"Just do as he says Leah. Damn, you are such a pain in the ass." That was definitely Seth.

All of them came into view as I rounded the corner. Sue was standing on the porch. Charlie acted as a shield between Leah and Jake. _What?_ And Seth was restraining his sister, again. I just stared.

"Go." Jake's deep, authoritative voice left little room for argument.

Leah's mouth hung open, as if he had slapped her. "I can't believe you . . . after all this time, _after all she did_, and you—"

"Now," Jake repeated callously.

Leah's head snapped in my direction, and she glared at me. 'If looks could kill" rung in my head and I knew I'd be dead, if it were true. Leah turned her back and phased mid-stride, disappearing into the dark forest.

And Charlie just stood there, like it was the most natural, normal thing in the world.

That finally brought me over the edge. Broke the camels back. Sent me sprawling over the finish line—whatever you want to call it. Well, I just call it falling to ground, because that's exactly what I did. My legs couldn't hold me any longer, and my back was killing me. It was funny, really: for nearly four years I had managed to survive without even a cut. Sure, I gained a few bruises in the beginning of Edward's and my sexual endeavors, but that was not something I wanted to think about right now—if ever again.

So, as I said: I hit the ground like a sack of potatoes.

"Bells?" Dimly, I could discern my dad's worried voice.

I shook my head, burying my face in my hands, rubbing it. A short silence passed. There were muffled voices. And then slow footsteps in the gravel, announcing someone's approach. "Dad, just leave me alone. I don't understand anything of what just happened, and I need caffeine. Please, just take me home . . ." I trailed off at the jeans above black sneakers appearing in my line of vision.

Jake hunched down, his rough hands resting on his thighs as he tilted his head, peering at me. "Dartmouth is a very pricey college, Bella. They should at least have taught you how to walk. Or wasn't that included in your plan?" My eyes locked with his, cold and hard, making me flinch back. The grin on his face sat wrongly, yet mocked me.

Like a knee-jerk reaction, I retorted, "Actually, that was next on my agenda, after crawling-one-oh-one." Something flickered in the depth of those relentless eyes, but I might as well have imagined it for all the hardness that remained in his features. "If you'll excuse me," I began, moving to stand up, and he held out his hand. I ignored it. I couldn't touch him, I _wouldn't_ touch him. Gritting my teeth, I steeled myself against the incoming pain I knew I'd have to endure, and pushed myself up into a slightly stiff pose. Jake was still hunched down, his body motionless for a moment. I saw his jaw flex.

Two could play that game, I thought, and instantly gave myself a mental smack. He had every right to be a butthead, and I was going to be a good woman and take it. Damn it if I was going to be a brat. I had given him enough of my crap.

He was on his feet then, the grin firmly wiped off his face, only to have been replaced with a mask of cool indifference.

A wide array of emotions scratched against the confines of my restraint. Mentally I indulged a slap-fest, hellbent on keeping any words to myself. But I wanted to apologize. I wanted to _cry_. And I wanted to throw my arms around him—_enough_.

Jake spoke, his voice flat and void of emotion. "I just want to say that I'm surprised to see you here."

"You are surprised to see me still human," I corrected pettily.

The smirk returned. "Right." The dry tones he used were unnerving. He wasn't finished, though. "Why is that?" Again, a flicker in his eyes, brief as it was, but still no change. He remained the epitome of calm, which was something that did not belong in the vocabulary used to describe Jacob Black.

"Things change," I replied all the same, irritation leaking into my voice.

"Right," he repeated.

What was it about him and his innate ability to push my buttons, making me want to scream at him, lash out at him, throw myself at him because I missed him with an unjustifiable fervor? The years that had passed since I last saw him seemed to have done nothing, meant nothing. As I stood there, I was still the waterfall that broke against the rock that was Jacob, trying to get to him, but, as always, I was scattered in pieces all around him.

We had always had these fights, which were about nothing, but he continuously came out the winner, whereas I, the little nobody, couldn't even make him flinch. _You caused his jaw to flex_, I pointed out reassuringly. _Ugh._ Why did I even care? I didn't know why, but I knew I did.

I thought about my dad's promise, that Jake had changed, and I had to use all the strength I had not to scream out loud. Lowering my eyes, I stared at the ground. Jake didn't move. Not one muscle. He was the rock: unmoving and unfeeling, as it were.

_You did that to him_, I told myself carefully.

I exhaled a weary sigh. "I'm gonna go back inside." I turned to walk away . . . and stopped dead in my tracks at the jolt I received when Jake's hot fingers brushed against my arm.

"Wait," he said. Something, I don't know what, but something had altered his tone, ever so slightly.

I turned slowly, mentally preparing myself for pain, for agony, for any of the expressions I drew from memory—expressions that my idiocy and selfishness had put there in his face so often. But it was no use; his face was still a chilled mask.

I didn't care how I sounded anymore. I gave in, and so I should. There was no reason for me to play these games with him anymore. Fatigued by the conflicting guilt and irritation, I said, "What?" Guilt, because it's what I had felt ever since Edward and I left on our honeymoon to Isle Esme, which had caused Jacob to howl in agony.

"You should stay, for Charlie's sake. Don't worry about Leah, I'll set her straight. Your dad has missed you. And I'm pretty sure you've missed him too, so . . . don't let Leah run you off." If he had sounded at least stiff or awkward, that would have been one things, but his voice was empty and monotone. Husky and deep, yes, holding all the elements of its potential, but nothing that showed that he was . . . alive.

At that seemingly apt analysis I felt my blood run cold. Was it possible that I had killed him? Not in the literal sense of the word, of course—that would be humanly impossible— but could the relentless pursuit of my desire for immortality have killed his spirit? Was it possible that my perverse, hormone-riddled need to explore my sexuality with Edward had poisoned Jake's heart?

It was.

I gazed at his stoic features, trying to probe past his hard stare, and found nothing. Until suddenly I did. I saw my own reflection in the light that shone from the porch, causing Jake's eyes to act as a mirror. It sliced me open and I blinked rapidly at the stinging behind my lids. It was stupid, but suddenly I didn't want him to see my own raw emotions, now flaunting themselves openly without a care.

Was this what it had felt like for him, when I had rejected him time and time again? I hoped so, because I wanted to be punished. It's what I had needed, for the past few years, but had only just realized. And nobody but Jake could do that, so I forced myself to stay.

I don't know how many minutes we stood there staring at each other. And what I saw was nothing but the gorgeous shadow of a man. What he saw—well, that I don't know. Whatever I was to him, no doubt. For what it was worth, I couldn't bring myself to feel bad for my own sake. I wanted this—I _needed_ it—so I could go home to Edward and tell him the truth.

And what was the truth?

The truth . . . The truth was that when I, Isabella Marie Cullen, was a kid, I had had someone, a friend—he had said he was my _best_ friend—and he had sacrificed himself for the sake of my humanity. In the end he won. What I was left wondering now though was: to what end? And what good did it do?

Well, I would have to use Jake's gift to me to figure that out.

At a rough guess, I'd say I had about forty to fifty-five years at my disposal. Maybe if I stopped crying and stressing, and stopped drinking coffee, I could add another five to ten years. But who really knew? Wasn't that part of the mystery of being a human? To never really know what would happen or how life would turn out?

That's what I believed anyway.

No time like the present to show gratitude.

So I sucked it up, knowing that to him it would more than likely make no sense—I might even come across as half-mad—and mustered a genuine smile (or as good as). "Thank you," I said, keeping my voice as steady as I possibly could. And then I turned and ran up the stairs, closing the door behind me.

I came back for a reason: tomorrow I was going to watch my dad get married, a second try. I hoped that the phrase 'third time's a charm' didn't apply to real life, and that it was only one of those things people liked to say . . . for Charlie's sake.

**-xox-**

* * *

_Edited: April, 2012._


	3. Bullet

_I think I should go and leave you alone, yeah.  
Stop this game and hang up the phone. And more.  
I should go into the night alone and get inside of the cyclone.  
It's like I wanted to break my bones to get over you.  
'Cause if I stay I'm number two anyway._

_By  
The Rasmus_

**~* Bullet *~**

_**Jacob...**_

I stared straight ahead, at the empty spot in front of me. My body had other ideas, and so did my heart, which I thought had been gone. It had been comforting in that way though, I mean, when I thought it was gone. I hadn't really felt it for so long, so now when it was racing in my chest, pumping the blood through my veins furiously I was sorta scared.

But, no matter what, I stayed as I was. My body locked down. If my heart wanted to run itself into cardiac arrest, then be my guest. I didn't need it anymore, if I died then that would be good. I wouldn't go looking for it, but I wouldn't fight against it either.

Although I did have a plan.

That's why I was going to Port Angeles every stinking day to study. That's why I spent every night almost, standing around in a seedy club in Port Angeles, keeping an eye on sleazy guys and loose girls, making sure they behaved themselves. If they didn't, all I did was to pick them up, walk outside and put them back down again.

Every once in a while I'd run into some real funny-guys, who somehow thought themselves kings of the world, and they'd punch me, kick me, pull at me, throw themselves at me. Sometimes they would disappear, only to come back with their buddies to give it another go. But sooner or later they gave up too, several broken knuckles later that is, while I stood there smiling at them, pretending to be just slightly hurt to keep up appearances, but I stood none the less.

Then there were the girls. They had their own ways of trying to get to me. But what they didn't know was that I couldn't care less about their well developed chests, pert asses, legs that went on forever or—and this was my favorite, but not for obvious reasons—the girls who'd be suggestive with what they could do to me with their mouths. What made them such a trip was how their theatricals seemed to turn them on more than it did me.

In the beginning it had been a bit of a struggle; I am a guy, and I have needs—_had_ being the operative term. So, of course, when a girl stuck her soft ass at me, rubbed it against me—well, let's just say that for a sixteen year old that was a challenge to resist.

I hadn't given up though, and in the end I'd grown immune to them.

Before those days were over, and while I still ran with the pack on a regular basis I had been the "team-mascot", the Joker. The things I showed the guys were quote, better than porn, unquote. Which had finally made Leah crack. That one I had felt bad about. The only thing I had ever really felt bad about since Bella left.

A memory weaseled its way into my already over-active brain. It was of one visit I'd paid to Leah, soon after she'd cracked from my mental shows from the sleaze club in Port Angeles.

"_Leah, c'mon! I said I was sorry!" I rested my forehead against the cool wood of the door to her room. Everything was somewhat cool to my touch, even humans. Yeah, I wasn't one of them, I didn't feel like one of them. I felt hollow, like someone had taken a knife and carved absolutely everything out from inside me. I knew who that someone was, but I didn't wanna think about her now._

_I sighed and closed my eyes, "Look, I know I'm an ass, all right? I mean, shit, I can't do anything right. Everything I touch I mess up, and no matter how hard I try to fix it, it just don't seem like I can. But that don't mean that I don't care. I just—suck at being likeable, forgivable, loveable. Hell, when the girl you love picks a corpse to love instead of you, that's sayin' something, right?"_

_That brought on the heat, and I felt myself trembling violently._

"_Crap—ugh."_

_The door was thrown open and without warning Leah threw her arms around me, holding me together._

"_Leah-" pant, "Get—off!" But she squeezed, and didn't move. The unwanted image of Bella and that leech, all tangled up in each other, her life being drained away, began to fade as I forced myself to focus on Leah, and how the hell I would get out of this messed up situation without tearing her to shreds while phasing._

_In the end I had been standing there, rigid but still. But her arms around me didn't loosen._

"_You can let go now," I said tightly. So she did, and she pulled back, looking at me, all agonized and torn._

"_Leah, just—try to ignore me, 'kay? I'm just not very good company right now. I'll try tone it down when you're around, the thoughts I mean."_

_But she didn't say anything, she just kept staring at me. I knew Sam had messed her up real bad, and in that moment I felt more connected to her than I ever had, more in tune with her than with my brothers. In some freaky way I saw her pain, and it was my pain too. We were both broken, beyond repair, because we couldn't stop loving something that we could never have._

_I don't know who started it, but I didn't really care either. I was just so wrapped up in the loss of Bella, my heart bleeding and my body aching, and it went on, and on, like a bad sitcom, so when I felt a pair of urgent, wet lips mashed against mine I just turned off my feelings, dislodged my brain from my body, and gave in to raw, physical need._

That night had been my first time, but not my last. We had kept it up, and somehow it had helped. It had taught me how to turn off, how to shut down. Me and Leah had together, through the practices of what was needed in order for us to give in to some physical pleasure, learned how to gain control over our bodies.

So, thanks to Leah I was now a master in the art of bouncing rowdy clients out from a club, to never phase unless I absolutely had to, and to lock Bella away, far, deep, where she couldn't hurt me anymore.

More than that I had gotten an insight into the mind of Leah Clearwater, and somehow gained a new understanding for how women worked. Yeah—the smile that wanted release, but was held back forced itself onto my mouth—Leah was a woman. It had taken some practice to keep our slightly unorthodox behavior away from the pack, but these days I didn't have to worry about that when I phased. Granted, that wasn't often. I was too focused on my plan.

I was earning money, and a lot of it because I never spent it.

And I was in College, well, sort of. I had gotten into working a lot with my hands, with wood. I was gonna build a house by myself, one day. It was gonna be big enough to fit at least three or four kids. I had my eyes set on land, I had the design in my head, it was set.

Not completely.

I had yet to convince Leah of my absolutely crazy idea.

She was devastated about this whole phasing business, at first we had all gone crazy with her gibberish about being menopausal, but soon enough I got the clue. This was soon after our escapades in her bedroom, or mine. Whichever was closest when the urge hit.

When she'd explained to me about her cycles the first time I had been a bit grossed out. But as time went on, and I really tried being there for her, a plan had started forming in my head. Because she had been there for me at a crucial time when everything was black and white. Life or death.

It was still like that, after all, death I welcomed most out of all other solutions.

But, as I kept telling myself, I wasn't gonna go looking for trouble.

So I was Leah's shoulder to cry on, her friend to talk to, and the body for her physical needs, and vice versa. Although, I didn't need a shoulder to cry on. I'd cried enough, and I'd talked enough too. Unless spoken to, or unless the occasion called for it I kept my mouth shut.

I'd stay silent until the day I was ready to bring my proposal forward, for Leah to mull over. It didn't matter to me either way if she agreed or didn't agree. I would adapt to whichever situation became prevailing. But, when I was done with my education, and I had enough money on my savings account, I would tell her that I'd be willing to try and open up a little piece of my heart for her, so she could have the family I knew she dreamed of. And boy did I know she dreamed of it. I had been in her head long enough to see it while she had dreamed in her phased state. Either way though, it had given me the idea, and it was as good a goal to occupy myself with as any.

Maybe my poor old man would get some grand-kids out of it.

I was willing to try anyway, because without Leah I'd be a wolf full time, and probably by now I would have been so far gone from my humanity that I wouldn't have been able to phase back even if some part of me had still wanted to.

And somehow that felt like a betrayal to myself and how hard I had once fought for the humanity of Bella.

There was only one teeny-weeny catch; my whole goal hung on the theory that if Leah stopped phasing her cycles would return as her body started aging again. And I just hoped, and prayed that it would, because I don't think I could stand seeing the loss, defeat, whatever agonizing emotion might turn up once she realizes she can never have kids, and she can't go back to being a wolf either. I was pretty sure you couldn't get it back once you gave it up. But, at the end of the day, what did I know. I was just me, Jacob Black. Nothing special—apart from being able to morph into a massive wolf, to get shot multiple times, run over, mauled by leeches; only to heal within a matter of days and sim-sala-bim shazam!: one healthy guy coming up!

But, there was a slight problem now, with the plan.

I hadn't counted on coming home tonight to this. And with this I mean, _this._

The beats echoed through me, pounded, each beat shocking the life back into something that I did _not_ want to be brought to life. I knew I had to do something, and damn quick, because I had not come this far, only for her to come back and and rip me to shreds again.

Hell no, that ship sailed a _long, long_ time ago.

There was only one thing that I knew would help, and that was Leah. But I had pissed her off something fierce when I'd told her to back off. She had wanted to rip Bella to pieces. I had seen it on her face the moment I left Bella standing in the middle of the road with her dad, to go tell Leah to try and back off, so Charlie could have his daughter for his wedding.

That man had suffered enough. Yet another man who had suffered because of Bella Sw—freaking Cullen, moron; Cullen!

I thought I would explode on the spot as the heat welled up, shooting off in all directions.

"Fuck!" I snarled.

A few minutes, that's all it took. A few freaking minutes of her back in my life and suddenly all my hard work was wafting out the window with each goddamn beat of my heart.

I knew why.

I hated the reason why. Hated it so much that it fueled the wolf, egged him on. I felt him now, he was clawing at me, ripping me apart slowly. He wanted release, he had been held back for long enough, and he was pissed. If I had thought that controlling it had been difficult before I left Sam's pack, it had become even more difficult the moment I embraced the Alpha in me. Just to get away from Sam's gag-orders. At the time it had seemed like a very small price to pay, but I had been a kid, I had been hurting, out of my mind hurting, and I didn't need one more person in my life taking my choices away from me. So I had left, and become one with the Alpha.

He was begging to be one with me now—demanding it was more accurate.

"Jacob!"

_Leah! Thank you!_

She rounded on me, staring at me in shock. Her dark golden eyes hiding the hurt from me, so she could be there for me, yet again, to help me fight the force of nature ripping me apart.

So she did what she always did. What only she could do—no one else was allowed to touch me, not this way.

Her lips crushed against mine, her hands knotted in my hair, pulling roughly as she pressed her warm body up against mine, making survival instinct kick in, so I could respond to the desire that rolled through me. And obediently my mind quieted down, and with it the convulsions that had been rocking me settled into trembles. But one thing was different, and it protested as my hands found their way across Leah's firm body, to cup her tight ass so I could hitch her up against the part of me that needed her the most. A low growl rumbled in my throat as she wrapped her legs around me.

My heart ached—no, it throbbed, causing my lungs to protest as air whooshed out of me. I felt like I was gonna lose my balance, which was not something I was used to. This could only mean that the little siren who had disappeared into the house only moments before was close, she was watching, and there was no force stronger than that.

I froze.

Leah stilled in response, but she recovered fast enough, because I felt the warmth of her body wrench away from me. My body shuddered. It was a strange feeling.

Relief and loss, simultaneously.

I hadn't had chaos in my body like this since the days before my life as I knew it ended, about four years ago. Since my muse, who kept me linked to this world ran off with my natural enemy to get her life sucked out of her.

The very same girl who was staring at me now. I shuddered again, she wasn't a girl anymore, she was a woman. If there had ever been a time when she had been sweet torture, then it was nothing compared to how she affected me now. I had felt small echoes of it, when she crashed into me on the road. It had multiplied when I had watched her eyes move over my body like she wanted to devour every single part of me. But, it had gotten worse when her eyes had welled up with tears, and the emotions in her eyes had exploded into the color-spectrum of a rainbow, right about the same time as she had thanked me—what the hell for! And then she had just turned around and left, just as I was about to give it all up and just take her into my arms; and she ran away, again!

I swore.

I hated her.

I loved her—holy hell, I loved her so completely it was physical agony.

Kill me, just kill me now. I can't take it, not again.

Another string of curses.

The Alpha in me was smug, he was enjoying my pain, he relished in it. The smug little bastard was happy about finally getting some payback.

Why was it so quiet?

My eyes focused on Leah in front of me. Oh shit! Her body was shaking violently, her eyes trained on Bella, who was staring back at her; wide eyed, big fat tears rolling down her peach-colored cheeks, then her eyes came to rest on me. I nearly lost my mind. Why did she have to do this to me? Oh wait, I knew why. She got off on causing me pain. But I pushed that back, and went over to Leah.

"Leah. You need to leave, now." I didn't touch her, I knew she didn't want me to. Her head snapped up, her eyes black with fury—and hurt.

For the third time I swore. I hated hurting her, but I knew that if Bella got injured I would not survive it, not in this body. And I still had a plan, and I was going to follow through on it. That was the plan, remember the plan, Jake.

I forced my voice to be more gentle, "Leah, please. Leave." She flinched back for the second time tonight, like I had slapped her, then she turned and ran. I stared after her trembling form as she disappeared into the forest.

"Jake?" Bella's soft, choked up voice sliced at me, and I turned my head toward her. Then I spied Charlie coming up behind her.

"Bells, come back inside." he pleaded.

"I'm not gonna hurt her, Charlie." I said in a strained voice, but it was a lot calmer than I had thought I could manage in this messed up situation. He scrutinized me, taking me in, and I knew he could see that I had it together. I would never lose it around Bella. It was impossible. These days anyhow, I thought grimly.

Charlie gave me a nod then he walked back inside. I could see Sue and Seth looking at me through the kitchen-window. They were torn.

So was I.

Weren't we all?

"Jake?" she called again, more urgently this time.

I turned to her, making my mind up that I'd give her a minute—_one_ minute.

"What do you want, Bella?"

She flinched at the harsh tone in my voice. It sent a fresh wave of agony through me, but I ignored it. It was surprisingly easy. I guess I hadn't lost as much tonight as I thought I had. Well, sing praise to the heavens—hallelujah!

"Just say what you need to say, so I can leave. I have work in a couple of hours, and it's in Port Angeles, so I've got one hell of a ride ahead of me." I hadn't meant to share that piece of information with her, but it kinda slipped. A lot of crap just slipped around Bella, didn't it. Just like old times. Maybe I should force myself on her again like old times too, so she could reject me, just like old times—where did that come from?

"I'm sorry." her voice choked up.

"You're pulling out the big ones tonight Bella; 'thank you', 'I'm sorry', I think you're missing one though," I stepped closer, so close that our bodies were almost touching. My hands tingled with tension, my whole body screamed at me to reach out and touch her, taunting me, mocking me, really pissing me off. So I just leaned in, so that my face was level with hers, and she was leaning away—ding ding, ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!

"This seems vaguely familiar, honey-" I was slipping, endearing terms were considered breaking the boundaries I had set up for myself. Something set her eyes on fire, and I couldn't quite figure out what it meant. I felt confused, because suddenly she had stopped retreating, and her lips had parted, like she was preparing to-

Run for the hills!

I settled for straightening up, gaining distance, no matter how small, before it was too late. She straightened with me, like I was a magnet that suddenly pulled _her_ to _me_.

"I'm gonna be late." It was time to go. This would end badly if I didn't walk away now. So I turned and walked off.

Again she acted accordingly, like she was scripted; she came after me.

"Jake, wait." she gasped.

I didn't turn, because I was slipping further for each moment I spent in her close vicinity, and I couldn't look at her anymore.

"I'm done here, Bella." I said flatly, continuing to walk.

"But I-" she stopped herself. Then I heard gravel crunch under her feet, she was running. I saw it coming so I froze solid.

The softness of her body pressed against my back, and her arms came around my waist, her hands splayed across my stomach.

All I could do, was to stand there and leave her to it. If I tried to move one muscle I'd lose everything I had worked so hard for these past few years. There wasn't a doubt about it.

But she clung to me, and I closed my eyes, allowing myself to feel her, to hear her, and to smell her. It was something I was gonna have to pay for later, as usual. This seemed to be how things went when she was around. She needed, and I gave, she left and I took the blows. I wanted to turn around, to pull her into my arms and hold her close to my heart because it needed her; _I_ needed her.

My jaw tensed and I opened my eyes, looking down on her small hands moving in soothing circles across the stiff muscles of my stomach. It made my mind wander to places where I shouldn't be, especially not with Bella. My hands moved to hers, and for a moment, just one short moment I allowed my fingers to brush across her soft skin. Another inappropriate thought crossed my mind, and that's all it took for me to close up again. I locked my hands around her wrists, and forced her arms off me, then I turned around to face her.

"I'm going to work now." I fixed my eyes on hers, wanting to get through to her that things weren't the same anymore. "Next time we meet, all I ask is; don't do that again."

With that I left.

It was all I could do but run, which I figured would just give away what a chicken I really was. I was without a doubt the biggest sissy in history, but I had to survive. This was my world, my game. I made the rules, and I didn't take kindly to them being broken.

Keep the distance.

Don't touch.

Don't feel—it worked for me, and that was all that mattered. So I could go on. So I could actually live, and not be a complete burden to those who were still stuck with me, who had to be around me. Like my dad, or Leah, or Seth.

Sam and me didn't talk much these days. He was polite, I was civil, end result was: no broken bones. I had come close to locking jaws with him, once we realized Bella wasn't coming back. It'd be mildly putting it to say that all hell broke loose. It was like the apocalypse. I haven't felt rage by such force since that day. My mind nearly was lost, along with the rest of me, and who knows what would have happened if they hadn't stopped me.

The memory made me smile now, it didn't sit right in my face, it was grim and stiff.

It was the day I made my mind up to go searching for _him_, find him, and let the best man win. Ha, there was a joke if I ever heard one, you needed balls to be a man, did he even have any? I shuddered involuntarily at that—let's not even go there, okay?

I hadn't gotten very far though, because as soon as Sam found out he locked me down. He had pulled his Alpha command on me and it had been the last straw. So I had fought him, struggled against him, embraced my heritage and walked away.

They had chased me for days, I can't even remember in what state I was when they finally caught up with me, and that's when me and Sam came to blows. I'd been furious, out of my mind with fury. The agony had been the fuel in my veins, pushing me to break limits. We had very nearly killed each other, but in the end the pack had saved us from ourselves.

A rift had been created that day, and it was still there. Leah and Seth had joined me, against my will, I wasn't a leader, didn't wanna be. A leader was strong, level headed, could make unbiased decisions. That wasn't me, I had snapped at the smallest things. Out of control and out of touch with my humanity.

Today it was better though, maybe not this very day, but generally. I had immense control of my wolf, of my life, of myself. But beneath I was like a totaled wreck, the aftermath of a devastating frontal collision. Dealing with crap wasn't my specialty, I was better at locking it up. I had tried dealing, but it had been destructive, dangerous even. My dad had preferred it if I had just let misery have me, he had been willing to support me. They all had been, the pack, Sam's wife, Emily—they got married last year and were now awaiting their first bundle of joy—even Bella's dad had been there for me.

Charlie. Reminding me so much of Bella, stubborn like hell. When he had found out about us, the wolves that is, which was unavoidable when he started hanging around Sue more, the mother of Leah and Seth, I had first worried he would have a heart-attack. Sooner or later I knew that Sue would have told him, he wasn't an outsider anymore. But personally I felt it could have happened in a better way.

Seth had phased in the yard, just as Charlie had pulled up with his cruiser. Him and Leah had had a blow-out about mine and his sister's relationship. She had said she could take care of herself, which she could—she didn't really need anyone. Seth thought it was a really bad idea, and he didn't want his sister to be hurt. I couldn't tell him that I wouldn't hurt her, because I didn't know that. Of course I wouldn't intentionally hurt her, but I knew that I couldn't love her, not in that burning, all consuming way. That part of me was reserved for someone I couldn't have. A waste, a lost cause, but did that stop me? I had been a glutton for punishment, it's just how it went with Bella.

Why did she have to touch me? My skin was festering now with the ghostly marks she had left there. I knew I'd suffer in one way or another the moment I realized who'd come running down the road, the moment she'd collided with me; I was unscathed physically, but the impact had sent a shock wave through me. Now I was aching. Hurting all over again. On my way to work with young people looking for love in all the wrong places.

I pulled the rabbit over behind the club—yeah, I still had it with me. I couldn't get rid of it, plus that I was saving everything I earned, besides what was used for my education. What could be more fitting than being an artist, a craftsman? When I worked with my hands I could forget everything else. All I saw was the wood and what I was gonna turn it into. It was in my blood, it was my heritage, another thing that didn't fail me. I would stick to that, what I knew I could do, what was a sure thing.

"Hey Jake," came a scratchy drawl.

I looked up; level with my eyes a fake tanned belly met my flat stare, some crude excuse for jewelry pinched the flesh above her navel. I heard the signifying _smack-slop-smack_ as she chewed her gum.

"Hey Luce," I pushed the door open, forcing her to step away before she got swiped.

"Hey!" she shrieked. "Why do you always have to be such an ass?"

"Because you like it."

I left her standing there, gaping after me and made my way into the back-offices. Lucy—or Luce as we called her, what was the difference really—was a very talented woman. She kept me busy at work, but not in a sexual way. Her shameless behavior and flirting with the male patrons at the club caused a lot of trouble, so I often had to step in, showing them the exit. Sometimes throwing them toward it. Whichever the occasion called for most. Not only was she talented in using her God-given gift to manipulate men, she also mixed a mean drink. That was something I couldn't benefit from though, but I had picked up many women_and_ men who had passed out from one of her experiments, and put them in taxis, or their embarrassed friends' backseat.

When I came through the door, walking into the loud pounding that surrounded me in the dark club I sighed in relief. My naturally improved hearing made the loud music painful, but as I had come to discover, drowned out a lot of crap I'd rather forget. A blessing in disguise, my angel of mercy.

The club was more packed than usual. Must be that we were getting closer to summer break. Giving themselves a soft start I bet, easing into a summer of partying and drinking.

They reminded me of monkeys, jumping up and down, their mouths hanging open from screaming to tell their friend something, singing, or just fighting. Hey, first victim of the night.

I moved over to the guy that had a girl in a corner. She looked uncomfortable, he was the predator no doubt.

"Do we have a problem here?" my voice was flat and detached as usual, but strong and menacing because of my naturally deep tone. The owner of the place said I was a natural.

_Here comes the big, bad wolf._

If he only knew how right he was.

The guy turned to me, his glare, like so many before him, telling me I was interrupting something and should go away.

"No, there's no problem. She's my girlfriend, and we're having a private discussion, so would you be so kind and piss off?"

"I'm not!" she protested.

I smirked, "I've got my eye on you."

As I walked off I decided to give it about five minutes before I'd have to drag him off her. To my amusement it happened about ten seconds after I had half crossed the distance to the bar, where Luce was waving at me in her sickeningly suggestive manner.

"Get off me, Nick! I'm gonna call Ted, I swear, he will so beat the shit outta you!"

I turned.

He had her face pushed back against the wall, forcing his eager mouth onto hers. She was fighting him alright, but I could tell she was fighting a losing battle, and not because he was being violent. The guy had balls, I gave him that. Mentally I raised a glass to him, wishing him good luck. I knew exactly what was happening, and that he didn't want to hurt her at all. He was just trying to convince a silly girl that she liked him.

A small pull in my chest reminded me of my own lost battle.

Not going there.

I tuned it out and walked over to the bar where Luce was eying me while working her magic for the poor, unsuspecting idiot with steroid biceps, surfer shorts and a slick attitude, leering at her.

He had it coming.

The rhythm changed as the music switched, but the throbbing in my ears didn't stop. It was a low thud, vibrating through me. Almost like a heartbeat, just not as painful.

"Oh my God, Emma, there he is!" a high-pitch squeal stung my ears.

"He's _all_ mine." came a husky response.

I groaned. Here we go again.

A soft hand fluttered across my folded arms, and I looked down on the small woman smiling at me, her eyes glittering; Emma was persistent, I'd give her that. She was pretty too. Her body tempting; I could see it in the eyes of the guys who stared at her. Stupid as I was I'd come to her rescue once when some sleaze-bag had tried to feel her up without her permission. He had been harmless, but the fear I'd felt emanating from her had put my deeply rooted, protective nature into gear. Emma wasn't a predator like so many of these women were, she was shy actually, she was here often enough for me to have observed that. But me, in my moment of weakness had caught her eye, and she had developed an extremely unhealthy crush on me.

"Hi," she shouted.

She didn't realize of course that she could have talked normally and I would have heard her anyway. "Is today my lucky day?" she probed.

"No."

"You are a big softie, I know it, you're just acting bad-ass to scare people."

To protect myself, I corrected mentally.

"If you say so."

"When will you tell me your name then?" she pressed.

No matter how many girls would try to get something out of me I never got angry. I just stood there, answering flatly, and sooner or later they gave up. But not Emma; it had been several months since I acted as her knight-in-shining-armor, and still she kept coming back for more rejection. Made me wonder if she was a natural glutton for punishment. The only thing we would ever share.

"Never."

She pouted, "No fair."

"That's life." I replied with a smirk.

"One of these days you will lose your cool, and you'll slip." she grinned.

Of course she hadn't meant anything by it, she was just playing with me a little, but that sentence still made me flinch. My little confrontation with Bella today had peeled away some of that hard shelling I used to keep myself guarded with.

My eyes hardened in response, my body going rigid.

The words lashed out, dark and harsh. "Leave me alone."

She shrunk back, her cute grin wiped right off her face.

"Sorry." she said, her voice had dropped to a low mumble, but I'd heard her, I also heard that I'd hurt her.

For your own good, babe, I thought, as she turned and hurried off toward her waiting company, their eyes alight with excitement, wanting to know all the juicy details; had she managed to break me today? I guess their gaping faces answered their questions as Emma rushed straight past them and into the ladies restrooms.

Okay, that felt bad.

One of them turned to me, glaring. I wanted to roll my eyes but I just dug in, sending her a hard glare back. I heard her gasp, before she looked away.

That one made me chuckle.

"Jakie, Jakie, always so mean to the girls."

Luce had a hand on her hip, looking at me with disapproval.

"What? They're asking for it. I just stand here."

"Exactly." she smirked.

Her meaning was lost on me. Then she continued.

"You _just standing there_ is enough. You are a catch, a hot sizzling catch."

Now I rolled my eyes. It was embarrassing actually. I hadn't asked for this body, I would have been happy to do without, because that would mean that there were no evil monsters who stalked innocent girls, whisking them off their feet, dazzling them with a life of immortality, just so they could get off on sucking them dry. Which in turn would mean that I wouldn't have to be here now. Instead I'd be at home, in La Push. Maybe getting ready to welcome my first kid into the world, watching the girl of my dream glow in her excitement as she waddled around, decorating a nursery.

Or something—whoa—breathe, that was some heavy imagery.

"Jake?"

This was bad. I knew I should have stayed home today. I should have known today was not a day to be acting tough. Bella got to me, she always did. And I just soaked it up. Like I always did. Now I was gonna have to get out of this club before I messed up really bad.

Everyone had been against me going to work here, it had been too dangerous. What if I lost control? What if someone irritated me? I had proved them wrong, until now.

"Jake!" she sounded a bit freaked out.

Well no shit Sherlock, big guys trembling for no reason would be enough to freak anyone out.

Jeez, smart-guy.

The path to the back-door where I would always come in through, and leave through before and after each shift was blocked by a group of girls, chatting and laughing. The main entrance was not a good idea. Bathrooms? No, too confined, full of ques.

I needed Leah; I was such a weakling.

Who would have thought that out of all things, desire was a surefire way to put the stops on rage-attacks. Although it was kinda obvious because desire stopped anger. Unless you liked angry sex—nope, not my thing. I just needed to get my thoughts on something else, that was the key.

It was one thing controlling myself in everyday life. It didn't challenge my emotions. I kept them turned off.

Then I spotted Emma while my eyes scanned the room, trying to find my exit. Her eyes lowered the moment they met mine, and she blushed wildly.

I stared at her. Of course I stared at her, the exquisite color staining her cheeks made Bella's face appear in my head. This night was getting worse by the minute. Felt like there was a freaking disaster looming behind the next corner. Someone was hell bent on breaking me down.

My eyes were still captivated by that hypnotizing color on Emma's cheeks. So when she looked up again and found me staring at her still, naturally she turned even redder, but she couldn't look away this time.

Busted, buddy. Now she's gonna think things.

I felt my body was settling. I was gonna make it.

"Jake, are you okay?" Luce was frantic.

Getting better.

"Just fine." I replied stiffly.

"Okay."

Staring at Emma was helping me. It kept my mind focused, even if it brought up some unwanted thoughts and memories, they were all innocent, pleasant memories. Bella doing something stupid and klutzy. Bella blushing.

Not so good idea. Emma had started approaching me. Definitely wasn't a good idea. But I was almost back to normal, this would work.

She edged her way through the crowd, squeezing her shoulders together to pass through the last people between us. Then she was standing in front of me again. Now I realized that her eyes were slightly wet. She'd been crying. Goddammit. Did I need more reminders of Bella?

What did I need my job for? Just start a fight with someone and get it over with, I'm on the road to disaster anyway, bound to fail; give up and stop fighting, no wait, give in and start fighting!

"Are you okay?" her voice was choked.

Great!

Do I look okay? Of course, I'm fine, excellent. I just like to torture myself, can't you see?

An idea entered my head. Really stupid man, not a good idea.

Too late.

I relaxed myself to move my hands to her face. My body anticipating this familiar emotion that shot through me, I was instinctively gearing myself for the soft, fragile flesh of a human. It registered in my brain straight away because the only one I'd kissed besides Bella had been Leah, and after that I had gotten accustomed to being rougher. But this was not Leah, it was my own fantasy, kissing Bella, but not kissing Bella. So it wouldn't hurt, at least not me. I couldn't find it in me to consider Emma's feelings in this. I was on a one track mission to blank my mind. If she knew what she was assisting me with preventing she would be happy to oblige.

Don't bank on it.

Her eyes widened in shock when my hands cupped the sides of her face, no doubt the heat from my hands was not something she would ever experience without my help. I dropped one hand to press against the small of her back, bringing her into me. She was trembling. My heart was protesting again. To punish it I pressed my lips against Emma's.

I thought I heard a shriek, but I wasn't so focused on the sounds around me now, because my body was shuddering at the familiar emotions bubbling up inside me.

Then the most strange thing happened.

Emma's soft lips struggled against mine in a familiar way, making me feel like I was fighting a familiar battle, trying to force a reply. I was moving firmly against hers, anger flaring up as she kept denying me. Then suddenly, just like the memory that burst forth into my conscious they gave in, melding with mine. Her hands came up around my neck and she pressed herself against me.

My heart sputtered, like it had been shocked with an electrical jolt.

I was on fire. There was heat, all consuming heat.

Just like Bella, that's how she felt against me. Like my adorable Bells.

As soon as the love I had choked back for all these years surged through me I shoved Emma away from me.

"I'm really sorry, I have to go." I mumbled like an idiot then left her there, panting, her face flushed.

I blew past Luce who stared at me in pure shock. It was raw fear that spurred me to flee. I had to get away as fast as possible. My heart was soaring, greedily beating life into everything I had denied myself to feel. All of me was tingling, and my hands trembled as I fumbled with the keys to the rabbit. Not because I was at risk of phasing. I had lost control. The fight against memories of who I used to be.

How was it possibly that I could be such a complete idiot? I'd done it again. And it was all her fault. It was always her fault. After all these years I was still such a freaking sucker for Bella.

The tires screamed as I blew out of the parking lot, dodging traffic in my race toward the 101. If I lost my job because of the total mess I made tonight, I knew there would be hell to pay.

Why had she come back? Oh right, her dad's wedding.

I needed to get home, so I could phase, just close enough to the res. Out of sight,

The wolf snarled deep in my chest as I pushed the rabbit as fast as I could toward home. Going to Leah now wouldn't help, because sex wouldn't help, I didn't want her help. I felt dirty as I thought about what we had done—been doing so often. That made me feel guilty; guilty because I felt tainted now, but also guilty because I had enjoyed it.

Phasing would release tension, it would ground me, because now I needed to get back to basics. There was a plan that I had been so focused on this whole time, but it was coming apart at the seams, and I couldn't handle that. It made me angry, it made me pissed!

My heart throbbed and ached.

My body longed for the kinda contact I felt in the club, but with Bella.

I just wanted Bella, and if I didn't phase soon I'd steer my car straight to Charlie's house.

And that would mean disaster.


	4. Dawn

"_Remembrance, can be a sentence, but it comes to you with a second chance in tow  
Don't lose it, don't refuse it, 'cause you cannot learn a thing you think you know"_

_By  
Poets of the Fall_

**~* Dawn *~**

_**Bella...**_

Are you happy with yourself, I asked myself.

I sighed and wiped my tears with the back of my hand. On my way here, on the plane, I had hoped I would get to see Jake. All kind of things had gone through my mind; what would he say, what would I say, what would happen, would he be happy to see me, would I be happy to see him?

He is a man.

I repeated it several times in my head, before registering the fact. Of course he was a man, he wasn't a 16-year old boy anymore. Not that he had ever really acted like one. Jake had always been a bit different. But then again, what did I know? I certainly hadn't known that he could be so cold, even if I knew that was probably my fault. Also I hadn't expected him to be so, so–dead like. There was no light in his eyes. My Jacob, my sun. Where had he gone? Not even when he had disappeared from me the first time he phased, and Sam had forbidden him from seeing me, not even then had he showed even a fragment of the absolute cruelty he had shown me tonight.

He hated me.

Finally! I deserved it. After all this time, all my sick, twisted, selfish games; playing with his emotions, had made him snap. Or, it was just the natural course of action, when you get treated like shit long enough you start hating the person doing it to you.

I turned around to walk back inside the house. That's when I heard a growl. My eyes widened in terror, and I froze.

Leah had come back to kill me!

"Relax, I'm not gonna hurt you. That would hurt your dad, and hurt my mom."

Slowly I turned to her. But I couldn't look at her eyes, I was–embarrassed. Obviously Jake had moved on, and why shouldn't he have. But Leah?

Stop it, stop whining, you have no right!

"And Jake too," she muttered glumly before striding across the yard, and into the house.

I stared after her.

Then I decided to follow. It was probably time to go back to Charlies'.

When I got back inside a murmuring came from the kitchen, so I took a deep breath and walked in. Charlie and Sue were sitting there, drinking coffee; a pan with apple pie and some whipped cream stood in the middle of the table, together with a few plates and spoons.

My dad looked up in relief, "Bells. I am so sorry, I thought he would go straight from College to work." he looked miserable, but wait—College? Jake going to College—what?

The shocks just kept rolling in. The next thing they would tell me that he was getting married, or already was. I felt all the blood drain out of my face.

Leah and Jake, locked in an incredibly intimate, passionate kiss. The way his hands had moved over her body, the way he had kissed her—God! I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. As much as I wanted to deny it, in that moment, I had wished it was me!

It was with a heavy heart I thought about how Edward could never kiss me like that, not unless I was turned. The thought of that made me feel slightly ill.

How many times hadn't I, in the past four years, replayed the kiss that me and Jacob had shared that fateful day outside that damned tent. My pulse picked up just thinking about it—I was such an idiot. The biggest fool out there, certainly.

Sue's gentle voice interrupted my shameful thoughts, "Would you like some coffee?"

"Yes, please."

Coffee was exactly what I needed. Maybe that would calm my nerves so I would stop having all these strange fantasies about things that could never happen. I should just go and jump off the cliff again and make sure I did it right this time—relieve the world of my stupidity!

Hello, stop throwing a tantrum, how old are you?

I sighed at the image of a miniature Bella sitting on my shoulder with a halo above her head. I wished that I had had that inner voice four years ago, when I threw away all my chances of ever finding out if me and Jacob could have a life together.

Why didn't he affect me in that way back then?

If he had, would I have given in?

Probably not, I thought I was an expert on life and emotions. I thought I had known everything. To me life was not a mystery back then, it was just one big, fat inconvenience. And Edward had offered me the perfect escape. He had dazzled me with the possibilities. To be beautiful, to live for an eternity with the love of my life, my soul mate.

Soul mate! Ha!

According to Edward he didn't have a soul, so how could I be _his_ soul mate!

"Ha," I sputtered, "Ha ha ha!" I slapped my hand to my mouth, looking at Sue's and my dad's faces, confusion and curiosity mingling there.

"Sorry," I coughed. "I'm a bit tired, after everything." I defended, slightly embarrassed.

"We will go home soon."

Soon became one hour, one hour became two.

My hand flew up to cover a yawn, and dad turned to me apologetically. "Oh honey, I forgot you would probably be in bed by now if you were home."

I smiled at him sleepily, "It's all right, dad. I am actually enjoying myself. It's nice to be around lively conversation." then I realized the meaning of it all.

Certainly the Cullens had conversations, and lively ones at that. But, in some ways I felt like an outsider these days. I had never felt that before. If anything I had felt more comfortable with the Cullens than I had at home. I had belonged. But now, I had grown into my own skin, and I realized that as a teenager it's very easy to feel like a misfit. And boy had I felt like one.

So, incredibly stupid as I was I had resolved that being a vampire was the best solution for that problem. Again I felt irritation flare up.

What was wrong with me? Ugh, just, ugh!

Sue was looking at me strangely.

I looked back at her, questioning her. "Did I say something bad?"

Her lips pursed, "Of course not." then she grinned.

My dad looked from me to Sue, then he just shook his head. "All right, let's go home then Bells."

I nodded and got up, thanking Sue for the lovely meal, and the dessert.

"I will see you tomorrow at noon." I added, smiling at her.

"Thank you for coming over, it meant a lot to me, and your dad." she pulled me in for a hug, then I stepped out of the kitchen, grabbing for my purse and jacket.

Oh no!

Well damn it all to hell!

I groaned.

"Bells?" my dad peeked his head out of the kitchen.

"My purse and my jacket, I left them on the road!" I whined.

"Oh. We will pick it up on the way, I'm sure it's still there." he assured me.

"I will wait for you outside."

Then I said goodbye to Sue and slipped out the door. I wondered where Seth had gone.

It was slightly chilly outside, so I wrapped my arms around myself, rubbing absentmindedly. I could always jog back to the spot and pick it up. But then again, it was so very late, and who knew what kind of nasty things hid in the forest.

Besides mutant wolves? Was I becoming a wuss? I hadn't been so scared a few hours ago. No, but I had been pissed off, and not thinking clearly.

"Oh screw it." I skipped down the steps and began jogging to the end of the driveway.

As I began jogging carefully up the road, watching the ground carefully I could hear a rumbling from far away. Well, couldn't get hit by a car when you got the warning of it approaching before you could even see it.

I kept searching the ground for my purse.

The rumbling was growing louder. Actually, it sounded more like a roaring.

Well, someone's in a hurry, I smirked.

Think you already missed your curfew buddy, I chuckled to myself darkly.

Where was my damn purse! I had my plane ticket in there! And my license, and ugh!

Light flooded the road where I was looking, and then I saw it.

"Oh! Finally!" I looked up slightly to shield myself from the strong beam and froze.

Oh God! It was Jake's rabbit!

And he was driving fast. . . .

Too fast.

I just reacted and dove off the road into the shrubbery, just in case he hadn't seen me. I landed on something sharp that dug into my thigh.

"Ah!" I screamed.

I launched out of the shrubbery as soon as I had landed in it. While jumping around I clutched at my thigh.

"Ow, shit that hurts—God!"

It doesn't hurt, it doesn't hurt, I chanted.

First my butt, then my thigh. It wasn't me who was cursed, it was this damn place!

It was all dark again now, and I couldn't see anything because Jake's damn high beam had blinded me.

I just kept dancing around in the darkness, my thigh throbbing painfully.

Well, at least no one could see me, right? That was a comfort at least.

Oh look, there she goes again, the klutz is back.

Brilliant, just—fabulous!

Then I danced into something, but just as I thought I would fall over something hot locked around my arms, keeping me upright.

My heart jumped up in my throat.

I couldn't see anything, it was too dark.

"Seth?"

Oh please let it be Seth, I thought frantically to myself.

"No." came the strained, husky reply.

I was mortified. Worse than mortified, there were no words.

"Jake?" I cringed, awaiting my execution.

"Didn't you get the hint the first time?" his voice mocked me in the dark.

My face grew hot. At least he couldn't see that.

Then I heard his throaty chuckle.

Damn. Just because _I_ couldn't see didn't mean he couldn't.

"Ugh! Let me go." I hissed.

"Are you sure you can stand without help?" he asked, his voice like steel.

If he hadn't been pinning my arms down I would have reached out and smacked him. So I guess that was good, because I didn't want to break my hand on his face again.

"You are-" I bit my lip. He was not going to get to me. I was going to take a few deep breaths and calm down.

That's a good girl.

"I am, what?"

"Nothing."

"I am nothing?"

Was he baiting me? Oh how I wished I could hit him.

"Very mature, Jacob."

"You are one to talk." he mocked.

Was he smiling? I swear it sounded like it. Why was I existing in a world where everyone around me had such a big advantage over me. It wasn't fair. It was downright irritating.

"Bells!" I heard my dad yell out for me.

"Here, dad!" I yelled back. "I am getting my purse!" then to Jake, "Let me go, please."

Instantly he released me, blood rushing through my arms. I hadn't realized he'd held me that roughly. Then I had something shoved at me, and I realized it was my jacket and my purse.

"Thank you." I offered graciously.

"Goodnight Bella."

Then he was gone. I knew, because I could feel him leaving, my heart felt it, because it protested at the loss of his warmth.

For the second time I started limping my way up the road, in the middle of the dark.

"What happened to you?" my dad asked as I came into view.

Then his eyes dropped to my limp, and he gasped.

"Your leg! You're bleeding!"

Oh!

Reflexively I started breathing through my mouth.

One and a half hour and six stitches later I collapsed on my bed.

What a great first day back in Forks.

But, after all that had happened there were only three things that had really stuck on my mind.

One, my arms wrapped around Jake's waist, and how that had made me feel.

Two, Leah's comment that me getting hurt would upset Jake, and third; the way he had said 'goodnight' to me.

With a groan I forced myself off my bed, limping my way into the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face. When I was done I stared at my reflection, wondering what Jake had really thought when he'd seen me. Had he felt anything at all?

Give it up, those days are gone, and you are married to Edward now. You made your choice.

Yes, I was married to Edward. But how could I deny what was welling up inside me? All I knew was how I had felt when I had seen Jake tonight. When I had thrown myself at him, more accurately.

My eyes felt like they had gravel in them, and I drifted awkwardly back to my bed, stripping all my clothes off, sliding under the covers.

Wow, it felt so strange being back here, in my old room.

And there I lay, my eyes wide open. Minutes ticked by, but I wasn't to be blessed with sleep. One memory after another wound through me.

The horror at what I would look like tomorrow at the wedding made me squeeze my eyes shut, and then I started counting sheep, feeling dumb.

Sunlight trickled in through my window, tingling on my skin. My eyes flew open and I sat right up. A sharp pain stabbed through my thigh.

"Ow." I groaned and shoved the covers out of the way to inspect the damage. An irritated gash, surrounded by purple shadows stared back at me.

Well thank God I wasn't a miniskirt girl!

Not welcoming the thought of the pain I would feel when my shower gel was washed over my cut, I forced myself out of bed, snatching up a towel I had laid out the day before. I made my way into the bathroom, the towel wrapped tightly around me.

I could hear my dad moving around downstairs.

Quickly I got into the shower, doing my best to avoid my upper thigh. At least my tailbone was intact, I didn't feel much pain there at all. But I was mortified at what Edwards reaction would be to my injuries. He would find a way to blame himself. That part of him hadn't changed. Even if he hadn't had any reason to be a martyr lately, he still took it upon himself to take the blame for everything that caused me pain or discomfort. Which by now, irritated me to do end.

Once I was dry, my hair blow dried, and my face sporting light makeup I slipped back into my room. I pulled out a strapless bra and a pair of matching panties. Why had I even bothered matching them, Edward wasn't here to notice my effort.

I pulled out an unopened packet of nude colored stay-ups, rolling them on.

Time for the dress. Yes, I had bought a dress. I had thought I would make an effort for Charlies' sake.

It wasn't too bad actually, I thought as I twisted in front of my mirror. The bodice hugged my chest, the ankle-length skirt followed the shape of my body, widening slightly at the bottom hem. The color was a dusty blue, shifting in slight gray tones. Not too simple, but not too over the top either, I was proud of myself for having picked this out all by myself.

Then I did a quick check in the mirror, inspecting that there were no mascara smudges anywhere.

When I came into the kitchen and saw my dad in his smart suit I couldn't help but smile.

"Well, well, don't you look dashing, dad." I said, mimicking a British accent. He flushed, grimacing at me.

"Um, thanks Bells. But you are the one that looks beautiful."

I waved my hand at him, grinning, "Thanks."

"Want some coffee?"

Yes!

"Thought you'd never ask!" I exclaimed dramatically.

He pulled out a cup from the cupboard, then he poured the black, steaming liquid into it. I opened the fridge, fishing out a carton of milk, pouring some of it into the cup as my dad handed it to me.

"Dad," I edged, "Is Jake coming to the wedding?"

He looked up at me, his face guilty, not daring to answer.

"It's fine if he is, I was just asking." I hurriedly added.

"He called this morning, saying that he wouldn't miss it for the world." my dad grinned happily. I knew Jake meant a lot to my dad. Even more so now than before. I found myself feeling slightly jealous of the years I'd missed but that my dad had been here to experience.

It was as if it opened up the floodgates, suddenly I found myself blinking against the tears.

"Oh dad, I miss you, I miss Forks, I miss-" my words got choked off by the lump in my throat, and he pulled me in, wrapping his arms around me gently.

"Don't you go ruining your makeup now, and watch out for the suit." he said brusquely.

"It's not that I don't like College, I—love it. It's just, maybe," a sob made me stutter, "It was too hasty, I was so young, it was—a mistake, oh dad." I sobbed against him.

There, I had said it. I knew now why I had felt the sudden pulls to call him and talk to him. Because I knew that his silent understanding was all I needed to open up.

"It's all right. You are allowed to make mistakes Bells, you're only human honey. Don't be so hard on yourself."

Oh God, did he have to?

I started bawling.

"Yes—I—am." I said between hiccups. "Thank," hiccup, "God!"

My whole body was shaking.

He tried to push me away but I clung to him. I knew this probably made him feel very uncomfortable, and bewildered, and helpless, but I needed my dad. The one person who was around who would actually stand giving me a hug after the horrible things I had done as a child.

The one person who loved me unconditionally, and had a pulse!

Well, Renee did too, but she wasn't here. Boy, I missed her too. And that brought about another fit of hulking sobs.

"Bells?" my dad's voice was deep with concern. "Has something happened?"

"Yes!" I bawled. Now he pushed me away from him, and I let him. He stared at me, his expression—yep, bewildered.

"What happened?"

I just took one second to look at him, another to answer.

"I grew up, dad!" I wailed, covering my face as my shoulders shook.

He was silent for a long moment, then in an unsure voice, laced with confusion he asked me, one eyebrow raised, "Is that a bad thing?"

"Yes, and no." I replied earnestly, continuing to hulk and hiccup.

"I—uh, I don't think I understand, Bells. You're gonna have to explain. Did Edward do something to upset you? You better tell me the truth, because I swear to-"

"Dad!"

"Sorry."

"Ugh. Don't say sorry. I hate it when people apologize to me, I am a horrible person dad."

I felt panic come over me, it was all so raw, so close to the surface. I didn't know if I'd be able to keep it all in.

"No honey. What makes you talk like that?" his voice was rough, my sudden onslaught of emotion making it difficult for him.

"Because I hurt people, dad. I hurt you, and I hurt Edward, but worst of all," I faltered, I didn't know if I could say it.

Oh to hell with it all.

"I hurt Jake, dad. Before I got married to Edward I asked him to kiss me, and he told me he was in love with me and I kissed him back and I told him I didn't love him enough and it was a lie and I hurt him and I am just horrible, horrible!" My knees gave way, but he caught me, and I continued, limp in his arms, defeated, raw and falling to pieces as the agony of it all tore at me. "And now he is all dead inside, he can't even look at me right, he can't touch me, he hates me dad, he hates me!" I was bawling my eyes out. I wished the pain would become so unbearable that it would kill me. Right now I didn't care about being an adult, or about anything that I had learned from all the moments leading up to this. I just wanted to let it have me, all the things I had not allowed myself to feel before.

For a long moment I just existed in this moment. While the waves of the past washed over me, all my regrets. The bubble of 'what ifs' was busted open, and mentally I kicked it to the curb, cursing it.

My dad pulled me over to a chair, where I crawled up on his lap, like a little girl. I had never done that, even as a small child, but now I did, and it felt so good.

He just held me, as I rode out the waves of misery and heartache.

"Bells," he began, his voice soft, warm. "I knew you loved Jake, I've always known. But you're like me, a stubborn fool who has to do and learn everything the hard way. You make your mind up about something, and then your pride makes you travel down road one, just because that's the one you picked first." he laughed quietly as I groaned at him, "Then there is this other part of you, which comes from your mother, where you hold on to these romantic notions, that there is something greater on the horizon, something bigger than you or me, but honey, when you pick your life partner, it needs to be someone who complements you, not completes you. Do you understand what I mean?"

I understood. That is why it had been so difficult to let go of Jake. Because being with him was never boring, never easy, always challenging, but at the same time so easy, as he had said himself; and he was so young, didn't know much more than me, but he still knew me, he knew us, and me being with him would have been as easy as breathing. I didn't have to sacrifice anything, but now I had sacrificed everything. My relationship with my dad, my friends, Jake. I had turned my back on them all to fit better into a world I chose for me because I wanted Romeo & Juliet, I wanted the drama and the fairytale. I wanted to be something special, _someone_. Not just boring Bella who stumbled on air, fainted at the smell of my own blood. But Jake had tried to tell me that I was already special, he had showed me. Edward had also tried to tell me that I was special, beautiful, wonderful, amazing, even_he_ had tried to tell me that I should choose life, not death.

What was a heart for if it couldn't beat for the one you loved.

Why make love if you can't create life.

What was kissing for if it could not cause your pulse to race.

Life was precious because it was fragile. Frailty was beautiful, not a weakness.

I sucked in a deep breath and lifted my head, looking at my dad.

"I think my Bells is becoming a woman," he said gruffly, his face full of pride.

I threw my arms around him and squeezed as if my life depended on it.

"Easy Bells, your old man is not a young bachelor anymore."

I laughed.

Then my head snapped up and I looked at the clock.

"Dad! Your wedding is in thirty minutes!"

"Well, I would have left earlier, but I had this hysterical woman in my kitchen-"

I smacked his shoulder, scoffing.

I slipped off his lap, smoothing my dress, and lacing my fingers through my hair a few times.

"How do I look?"

My dad looked like he would start laughing.

"Honestly?"

"Dad!"

"Go look in the mirror, Bells." he said, stifling back a guffaw.

Quickly I charged up the stairs, stopping short in front of the mirror.

"God I'm a mess!" I shrieked.

From downstairs I could hear my dad busting up.

Yeah, I bet it was really funny. My eyes were red and puffy. Great. I hoped there would be no photographing. This was not something I wanted immortalized!

Five minutes later I had washed my face and applied fresh makeup, choosing a waterproof mascara this time. I wasn't going to make _that_ mistake again.

"All right, let's go!" I said as I bounded through the kitchen, snatching my slips up, tugging them on as I jumped down the steps.

"Don't you go breaking a leg Bells, it's okay if we are late. Rather that then missing my wedding because we are stuck in the ER thanks to your clumsiness."

"Hey, I happen to have improved my skills," I retorted.

"Uh-huh. That's why we were in the ER last night then. Nice skills Bells."

"Ugh. That was thanks to Jake nearly running me over with his car, thank you very much."

"What?"

I waved my hand at him, "Focus dad, you have wedding vows to give in," I fished up my mobile from my purse, "Twenty-two minutes!"

We were right on time.

It was a very simple ceremony. Nothing fancy, so much more in the lines of what I had thought my wedding should have been like. It wasn't that I didn't appreciate all the hard work Alice had gone through, but it hadn't been me. Although I had been the happiest girl alive in that moment.

No, when Jake had showed up to give me a last gift, a dance in the shadows. The most special gift out of them all. Now as I thought back on it, I realized how appropriate it had been. Everyone out in the light, but me and Jacob in the shadows, where I had always kept us.

Not today Bella, do not ruin the day with your melodramatic reminiscing, I scolded myself.

The music was beautiful, and so was Sue.

And dad was so handsome. They were both glowing.

As they went through their vows I chanced a glance around the crowd, and I spotted many familiar faces. All so grown up and rougher around the edges, some more defined, but definitely grown up. Then I spotted Emily, her stomach was huge, but she was glowing too. Sam stood next to her, his face taught, but he was making an effort to smile when he found me looking at him. I responded with a smile of my own.

Then I saw Embry and Quil, and Paul, Jared. Standing next to them were another two men I didn't recognize. But they were looking at me, obviously knowing who I was.

I blushed slightly as they stared at me, and averted my eyes to search for one face I still hadn't found. When I couldn't see him anywhere my heart sank.

"-to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

My dad's brusque voice rang out proud and clear. "I do."

"Then I hereby pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

My heart swelled as I watched my dad take Sue into his arms, sweeping her to the side, giving her a proper kiss.

I shot out of my seat and gave him applauds, yelling out, "Hooray!"

The rest followed suit, and we all cheered. Some whistled. I could distinguish Embry and Quil hooting. It made me laugh.

For once in my life I didn't blush for causing a whole crowd to turn and stare at me. I didn't care, my heart was full of happiness for my dad.

Covered in white cloths, long tables were placed in an open spot. The tables were overflowing with all sorts of food. Roasts and gratins, soups and stews. Pies and salads. I hoped Sue hadn't been cooking for her own wedding. But judging by plenty of women present I felt myself relax.

For the very few days a year that were blessed with sunshine, this was one of them. I couldn't help but feel that it was just meant to be.

Then I spied Leah, she was speaking with Seth and a young girl, standing quite close to Seth. I wondered if he had imprinted or if it was just a girlfriend.

It was strange. I hadn't been here for so long, that it felt like a whole lifetime had passed, yet everything was so very much the same. Except for a few new faces, but mostly it felt like it always had. Warm and familiar. Even if I sometimes felt that not everyone thought I was welcome here, mostly they were polite and friendly.

Emily had come over to talk to me, she had even pulled me in for a quick hug, and I had congratulated her on her baby. Sam had stayed back though, coming close to me was too much for him, and no matter if it hurt I couldn't blame him.

When Emily asked me if I wanted to feel her child kick I shot a careful look at Sam. I could see that he didn't like it much, but he nodded his permission and I smiled my thanks.

"Here," she said and took my hand, placing it against the side of her stomach. It felt very warm and taught.

"When is it due?" I asked, my gaze glued to her belly.

"You wouldn't believe it, but in two months."

"What?" I gasped. "But you are—I mean, it's huge already!"

Emily laughed at me, but nodded. "Yes, well. We think it might be twins. That would be amazing. No one in my family's history has ever had twins." she murmured.

"What about Sam's?" I asked, my eyes traveling back to her stomach as I held my hand there, waiting to feel something.

"There might have been one set, but I don't know."

Emily was so beautiful, the scar on her face not really noticeable. Especially not now when she was glowing like this.

I grinned, "Perhaps the baby doesn't like me."

"Oh, Jacob, so good to see you here. I am glad you made it."

My heart fluttered.

"Hello Em."

Then I gasped.

I felt a distinct knot sliding beneath my hand. "Wow." I marveled, blinking at the stinging in my eyes. "I have never felt anything like that before." My eyes lifted to Emily's. "You are a very lucky woman, but you don't need me saying that." I beamed at her.

Her eyes went from mine to the shape I noted on the other side of her stomach. I allowed myself to tilt my head up, my gaze falling onto Jake's broad chest, then up across his strong neck, to finally rest on his mouth.

My heart sputtered, and my legs instantly felt like jelly.

He was smiling, oh thank God he was smiling!

My eyes lifted to his, and instantly my heart shuddered, like the rest of me, as I took in his guarded stare.

What on earth had I done to him?

"Hello again, Bella." he offered politely, as if it had been an extreme effort.

My hand dropped from Emily's belly, to flutter to my purse, where it stayed, twirling whatever it could find nervously. I felt myself tremble as he kept looking at me.

"Jacob, how are your studies going?" Emily asked, attempting to create some room for me to breathe, because I was certain she felt my discomfort.

"Just fine, thank you." he answered, his voice lighter, but he still didn't take his eyes off mine.

A breeze came in from the sea, but even if it was a warm day I felt the chill, seeping into my very bones.

"Is this your first or second year? Sam told me but I forget."

"Second, but summer break is almost here, so third will start in August." As he kept conversing with Emily he held my gaze his prisoner. His eyes chilled me, but I found it impossible to relent. I was compelled to search them, even if in the end I would find nothing.

Emily must have been noticing that her attempts were to no avail, so instead she directed her questions at me.

"What about you Bella, you must be graduating soon."

I forced myself to break the spell, because I wouldn't be rude to Emily when she had so gracefully reached out to me for a truce.

I smiled at her. "Two more weeks, then it's all over and done with. Not only that, I might apply for a job in Seattle, as a teacher."

"Oh, that's great. Charlie must be over the moon about that."

"I believe he choked on his food when I told Sue last night." I chuckled.

Emily grinned, "Well, he has missed you. So I can understand that he's happy about that. It's a bit closer after all, and you can visit more often."

"That's the idea." I said, my eyes flitting to Jacob for just a moment. He was still looking at me, but I thought I could see a change in his expression. But again it was too subtle for me to distinguish.

Suddenly he spoke, and simultaneously he took me by the elbow, starting to pull me away. "Excuse me for a moment Emily, I'll return her in a minute."

Too stunned to protest I was his puppet as he led me a few yards away from the gathering.

Then he stopped short, dropping my elbow as if touching me had burned him.

"Are you serious? Are you moving to Seattle?" His eyes didn't change, they just stared at me, but his face held a glint of anger.

Well thank God for small favors, at least it's something!

"Yes, I am serious. Why do you ask?" I asked, not hiding my slight irritation.

"But you are not coming back to Forks, right?" he ventured on, his voice never changing beat, always the same, flat, hollow resonance.

I felt something bordering to hysteria as I kept listening to it.

Something inside me was cracking.

"No, I am not moving back to Forks, so you can just take a chill-pill, all right? What is wrong with you?" I hissed under my breath.

His eyes narrowed, his dark brows pulling together, making him look ferocious.

"You are asking _me_ what is wrong?" his voice was dripping with sarcasm.

I gave him one curt nod.

This seemed to infuriate him even more, and if I didn't know better I thought his eyes flashed and became even darker.

"The more accurate question would be; what's _not_ wrong." he growled.

I sighed, and felt the corners of my mouth pull down as my face fell.

"Look, Jake. This is my dad's wedding reception. If you don't stop right now I will leave. I can't take it any longer, I just can't. I'm sorry that I hurt you, I really truly am, and I will be until the day that I die. But I can't take it back, no matter how badly I wish that I could. So please, just stop, you are killing me and I am trying to be here for my dad, but you are making it so very difficult."

It was as if my little speech had shocked him into life. Because suddenly a grimace twisted his face, his eyes came to life, burning me with their fury.

"_I _am killing _you!"_ he hissed, then he retaliated, repeating himself, but this time he snarled, making me shrink back. "_I AM KILLING YOU!"_

"Hey!" came a shout from somewhere, but I couldn't place it.

Jacob was suddenly vibrating in front of me. My eyes widened in horror.

"Jake!" that was Leah's voice.

But I was frozen, locked in place under Jacob's vehement glare.

Then chaos erupted behind us. Yelling and shouting.

Suddenly I felt the ground disappear from beneath me, and I was locked in a burning embrace. I blinked as I stared around me.

"I've got you Bella, it's all right."

Who was that?

"Get him out of here, now!" the voice shouted from behind me.

I was too stunned to speak, but my flitting gaze found Jake again, where he stood, still vibrating, his fists clenched, his back ramrod straight. What had just happened?

I saw the whole pack descend on Jacob, hands grabbing for him and then beginning to escort him away. I stared in horror as he was being dragged away from me.

"No." I choked.

"He has lost it Bella, just let them deal with it. He is just in as much danger to himself right now as he is to you." the voice told me, the calm in it not really making me feel much better.

I blinked against the wetness in my eyes, my vision blurring more and more.

Then I felt the embrace release, and Sam stepped into my line of view.

My voice was cracked, choked, broken, "What—what has happened to him?"

"He just took it a bit too hard when you left and finally realized that you weren't coming back. It's been tough, Bella, I won't deny that." Sam's face was drawn, he looked tired.

"I'm s-so s-sorry." and the tears came again, pouring down my face mercilessly.

"Don't be too hard on yourself, this is ultimately his own doing. He knew what you were doing, and what he was doing. You can't blame yourself for his self-destruction."

"B-but, I-I. . . ."

I wanted to do something, couldn't I do something? No matter what Sam said I knew that I had broken him, that if I hadn't left he would still be Jacob, and not this—this furious shell of a man.

I shuddered.

I blinked angrily, looking toward the pack, where they had him locked down.

Would Sam stop me if I tried to run?

I put one foot in front of the other.

"Bella, don't." Sam warned me.

I kept moving, one foot in front of the other.

"If you don't listen I will have to grab you, I won't let you do this to yourself, or him. If he loses it, you'll get severely hurt, and that would kill Jake."

My steps faltered.

Then I saw my dad walk up to the group of big men where they held Jake.

"Dad!" I launched myself forward.

I felt the burning hands locking around my arms, but then they let go again, as fast as they had grabbed a hold. But I didn't care why he had let go, I just wanted to get to my dad.

He turned slightly, in my direction.

"NO!" he shouted at me, but I didn't stop.

All this time I had been running away, letting everyone else deal with the mess I'd left behind. Each time I had hurt Jake, someone else had been left to deal with the aftermath. I wasn't going to be a coward anymore. If he was angry, then let him. If he wanted to lash out on me, then I say 'be my guest'. What else could I do to correct this?

I came to a stop in front of my dad who had put himself between me and Jacob.

"Bella," he said, his voice strained. His face was grim, but it didn't have that red shade to it, which meant he wasn't angry. "Walk away. We have dealt with this many times since you left, I don't want you around if he loses it. Trust me, honey. Okay?"

"No."

"Bella!" my head snapped toward the voice, it was Quil. "Just do as he says. If Jake loses it, and you get hurt, he'll be an unstoppable force of nature, trust me on this, it ain't pretty. Nearly killed himself fighting Sam."

"Bella." the voice was strained, tortured, agony and just so painfully alive that it tore a sob from my chest.

Carelessly I pushed past my dad, throwing myself at him. If he ripped me to shreds I didn't care. I wanted to fix this. But I knew he wouldn't. That's probably why I did what I did. Because I didn't have a death wish anymore. I wanted to live.

The moment I came into contact with him I felt him burning. The perspiration made his skin slick. But I clung to him.

There was chaos around me again, yelling and screaming. But I tried to drown it out, focusing only on Jake. And he was definitely in a deep struggle with himself.

"Go." I heard him say. No, it was a plea.

"No Jake, I am not leaving you this time."

The vibrations ran straight through to my bones. But I had made my mind up that I would sit this one out. In my eyes Jake needed me, I was the only one who could fix this. Which meant that me leaving would be stupid and selfish.

"Now. Leave. Before I—hurt-"

"No Jacob. Forget it. Not happening," I forced my voice to be clear. "When I was falling to pieces you held me together, now it's my turn."

And I did. I held onto him for dear life, until my muscles started aching from the strain. I hoped he would calm down soon, because he was so big, so much bigger than I remembered, and stronger. Or maybe he just had never really demonstrated what he was capable of before.

"Okay-" he wheezed.

His voice sounded like he was always fighting back a snarl, strained and rough. But at the same time it was so defeated, tortured.

"Then—do something—useful, at least."

Useful? What did he mean by that? I pulled back slightly, so I could see his face. It was painful to watch him now. Certainly the cold, hard glare he had had before was equally hurtful. But this was raw pain.

"What do you want me to do? Anything, just tell me, I want to help. I want to set it right."

Then his lips twisted as he offered me the slightest smile.

"Kiss me."


	5. War

_With no one wearing their real face  
It's a whiteout of emotion  
And I've only got my brittle bones to break the fall_

_When the love in letters fade  
It's like moving in slow motion  
And we're already too late if we arrive at all_

_And then we're caught up in the arms race  
An involuntary addiction  
And we're shedding every value our mothers taught_

_So will you please show me your real face  
Draw the line in the horizon  
'Cause I only need your name to call the reasons why I fought_

_By  
Poets of the Fall_

**~* War *~**

_**Jacob...**_

Bella stiffened.

Yeah, I thought so.

Actually, I had counted on this. I wasn't gonna have her there in front of me, breaking me down, making me want all the things I had once wanted. Dangling them in front of me, only to yank them away the moment I dropped to my knees, giving in. I wasn't gonna bleed for Bella again, the way I used to.

I wasn't her puppet anymore, and she sure as hell wasn't my master.

But damn she felt so good against me. Her soft curves pressed against me. My name on her lips. I wanted to hear her call my name as I—enough.

Finally she replied, in a choked whisper, "Jake, I-"

"I know." I cut her off.

She was married, to the leech. My body convulsed. Of course she didn't want to kiss me. Nothing had changed there. Maybe she cared, in her own sick, twisted way. But it wasn't enough. It had never been enough for her.

I stared at her face, taking note of the wetness of her eyes to the guilt twisting her expression. Suddenly I wanted her to leave, to go back to where she came from. I couldn't be near her anymore. That look on her face was digging into me, clawing and scratching, threatening to ruin all my hard work. She had her happy ending; Leah didn't, and she deserved it. If I was able to make that come true for her, then I would sacrifice myself for it. I needed to sacrifice myself. There was nothing left of me that saw a future, not when all I'd wanted was not mine to have. I didn't wanna think about what I had once wanted.

I'd calmed down. Funny that, how she had managed to break me down, but at the same time she had egged on my determination. She had yet again proven to me that who I'd become was thanks to her.

And then heat shot through me with a vengeance as I came to a realization that she hadn't really trashed my heart, she had just snatched from me. I had worn it on my sleeve and she'd taken it, and she kept it. But she was greedy. My heart was not good enough to be enough. So no wonder I was coming undone in front of her.

The little temptress was flaunting my weakness and my ultimate failure right in front of me. And she had the freaking nerve to stand here and tell me she'd do anything to keep me together.

I took a deep breath and forced my body to relax, choking back the heat and the fury, so that they would all just back the hell off. I had this. I was in control.

I felt them release me. Then I turned my head to find Charlie.

The only remorse I felt now, was ruining his wedding, his and Sue's.

"Charlie, I'm sorry about this. I'll leave now."

With that I turned and walked away. I didn't look at her, not one ounce of acknowledgment. Why should I?

"Jake?" she called out, her voice thick with surprise, rejection.

Welcome to my world.

But I didn't miss a beat, I kept walking. I was done here, done with her. I'd go bunk out at Lee's—my boss' house—until she had gone back to her crypt.

Shit! I hoped I still had my job. Dammit. Yet another piece of evidence I had to get the hell out of here before she threw another temptation my way. I was weak for her, after all. I'd be stupid to think that I could remain within close proximity of her without risking a little piece of my dignity.

Wait, what—dignity? What's that, hello my name is Jacob Black, pleased to meet ya, care to be my friend? No, didn't think so.

Whatever dignity I _had left_ more like it.

"Jake. Wait."

My reply was indifference. "Not for you."

I heard her steps falter. She had stopped. Good, she was catching on.

Then I broke out into a jog and made my way to Billy's place. I needed to get my cell and call Lee, ask him if I could come crash at his place for a couple of days.

When I came into the kitchen in my dad's house Leah was sitting there, on a chair, waiting for me. Her arms folded and her face condescending.

"What?" I snapped, glaring at her.

"You know what." she shot back, her eyes accusing.

Actually, I had no freaking clue, and I didn't have the time for her mood swings. But she continued glowering at me, obviously expecting me to figure it out.

"I know you're an ass, but I didn't realize you were dense."

My eyes narrowed, "What crawled up _your_ ass and didn't die?"

She didn't even flinch. There wasn't much that I could say or do that would hurt Leah. Her skin was thicker than mine, plus, she had dealt with her own messed up situation longer than I had, so she was in a better position to retain perspective, whereas I still slipped up. Like today.

Oh shit, of course. I sighed and dragged my hands through my hair roughly.

"I'm sorry." I offered finally. I had ruined her mom's wedding.

She gave me a smug smile. "That's a good boy."

A growl escaped under my breath, and suddenly she was out of her seat, shoving me back against the door I had just come through.

There was no escaping what she was after, and as usual I obliged, escaping today's mess by burying myself in Leah's fiery body.

There wasn't many words to describe mine and Leah's physical relationship. Whenever our bodies connected my mind was dislodged. It happened automatically. Which is why it was such a potent anecdote to my rage, my anger, my agony. There were plenty of words to define all that it wasn't. Void of tenderness, compassion, yearning, passion—love.

It certainly wasn't an expression of intimacy or adoration, it was raw need, nothing else. So before my pulse could slow down, before I could register anything at all about her naked body tangled up in mine I pulled away and began tugging my boxers and jeans back on.

"You know," she began. Her voice was still holding the tenors of what had just transpired. Usually we didn't speak, she knew I didn't like talking about what we did. "You are going to have to start practicing at staying in bed with me if you want to carry out that sick plan you have in your head."

I stopped breathing, my hands freezing simultaneously where I had been buttoning up my jeans.

She continued in a mocking tone, "You're good Jacob, but you're not _that_ good."

Yeah, I was an idiot. Always the moron with the massive ego. After all the blows I'd taken from Bella I was surprised I thought I could do anything right.

"Did you really think you could keep it from me?" her voice had dropped, and I could hear something bordering to curiosity. I didn't wanna have this conversation now. I wasn't anywhere near close to where I wanted to be. But suddenly the plan I'd had in my head was ripped out of me and slapped in my face. It surprised me when the embarrassment hit. Even more it shocked me when I felt hurt by her curtness. Retaliation wasn't far behind.

"Guess now I'm glad I couldn't," I replied, turning to add casually, "Before I put a deposit on the land. I could use a new car." then I continued to get dressed, snatching my cell from the bedside table. Her hand caught my wrist.

"Jacob," she whispered. "I'm sorry."

This was my area of expertise, so I turned to her, knowing my face was void of emotion.

"What for?" I asked flatly.

"I—I'm touched. You're a great guy Jake, but I deserve to be loved wholly, and you can't give me that. Not when your heart belongs to someone else." the softness of her voice, the emotion behind her declaration made my stomach twist.

"I need to make a call. You can see yourself out."

Her hand recoiled, and I withdrew, my thumb already dialing Lee's number.

"At least she can still change her mind." she called out after me, her words slicing at me. "You could fight for her, try and win her back. At least she hasn't imprinted!"

My mind was closing. The fervor in her words made me want to run out on this place once and for all. The one ally I'd had, the only one I'd been counting on to be on my side had done a complete 180 and suddenly she, like everyone else, had fallen under Bella's twisted spell.

When I asked Lee for the favor he agreed instantly, assuring me before hanging up that I still had my job. Maybe I should just move out of La Push. Leave the whole mess behind. Stop phasing. Forget about who I was. Maybe even change my name?

Pete Johnson, at your service. Sounded like a loser, which suited me just fine.

For once I actually looked forward to going to work. I couldn't wait. Suddenly I couldn't get out of here fast enough.

Somewhere on the outskirts of my conscious Leah was trying to talk to me, or was she yelling? Who knew, and who cared. I went about my business, shoving clothes and the necessities into a duffel-bag, then before I walked out I called over my shoulder.

"Tell my dad I'll be back Monday night after work. I'm staying with Lee." With that I walked out.

Pretty stupid of me to think she'd give up that easily. Leah was as stubborn as she was proud. And after I'd dumped my bag in the back of the rabbit she rounded on me, pushing me roughly against the car.

"Will you get over yourself, Jacob!" she almost barked at me, making the corners of my mouth curl into a vicious smile.

"You do realize you are fighting a losing battle, right?" I half-laughed.

"Smug asshole." she snarled, and her fist snapped out, catching my nose. There was a crunch and I doubled over, clutching my face. She did _not_ just break my nose!

"Fuck! What the hell is wrong with you!"

"You were asking for it." she replied with a hiss.

Suddenly I was seeing red, heat licking up my spine. There was no way I was going to give her the satisfaction of phasing. This was not the right time to be sharing stories through our linked minds. Especially not after finding out how useless my attempts at keeping some things to myself had been.

I trembled violently before her as I straightened myself, fixing her with an icy stare, my tongue darting out to lick the blood trickling down over my lips.

"Look at you, you're a mess Jacob. I could rip you a new asshole and you would still stand there, wearing your pain like the smug little mongrel that you are. You're losing it."

The good thing with Leah was that she wasn't even the tiniest bit intimidated by me. If she had something to say to me, I could trust her to tell me truth.

What she was telling me now was nothing new.

"You're mistaking me for someone who gives a shit."

She seemed to deliberate for a second, then her eyes hardened. "Maybe Bella made the right choice picking the bloodsucker over you. I mean, at least he tries to fight his nature, whereas you, Jacob Black seem to relish in it, you're an animal, and a feral one at that."

Her words washed over me like acid, and I saw her sole intent was to break me.

She didn't break me, but she cut me, deep. So deep that the cataclysm of it knocked the wind out of me. I actually stumbled back. Her fist broke my nose, but her words brought me to my knees.

I told myself that this is what she wanted. She wanted me to hurt, to show me that I was still alive and that I was an idiot for hiding behind my shell.

So, what else was new?

"Tell me something I don't know," I choked out, grabbing a hold of the door to the rabbit, supporting myself so I wouldn't make a thorough fool out of myself and kiss the gravel in my dad's driveway.

But who was I kidding; I already was a fool. She knew that I knew. But still she challenged me.

"Why did you stop fighting for her?" she asked finally, her demeanor having come to a complete 180 turn. I forced myself to look at her.

I made a point of speaking calmly, "How difficult is it to understand; she did not want me." spelling the words out, syllable by syllable.

Leah's response was a cold laugh, "You're not only an ass, you're a blind ass."

"All right, let me rephrase, just in case you're slow. I showed her she loved me, that she wanted me, but it wasn't good enough for her. _I_ wasn't good enough for her. Try measuring up while standing in the shadows. It don't matter how great you are, or what you can offer when she can't even see you; because that leech has got her so blind she wouldn't see the truth even if it hit her right between the eyes." I spat vehemently.

"You're wrong."

My eyes narrowed into small slits. "You don't like her, why are you defending her?" I asked suspiciously.

Her reply was to roll her eyes at me, "Maybe I just care about _you_, and I can see that you still love her, and she loves you. So, in light of the fact that she has choices, I think you're an idiot for giving up. Had it been Sam I'd fought back, if I knew he still loved me and that he had a choice."

"Love isn't always enough." I countered.

Her eyes flashed at me, "Love isn't as black and white, Jacob, as you think it is." she spat.

"Tell her that!" I roared.

"She's not the one pretending."

"And I am?" I shot back.

"I say you are."

"I'm not."

"Prove it then." she challenged, her eyes daring me.

What? How was I supposed to prove that. I didn't even want to be here right now, let alone participate in her sinister games.

"Don't think I don't feel the callousness you hide behind. We share a bed, Jacob, don't forget. And maybe you're too much of a coward to allow yourself to feel, but I'm not."

My breath hitched in my throat, and a strange tingle shot through me. Familiar but unwanted.

I stared at her, disbelieving, "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that when you are inside me, I feel you Jacob, you're not just a fuck to me."

Oh hell no, she was not gonna pull that bull on me. But she just did. And it stung.

"Leah," I felt my voice soften without my intention to mellow. Pleading for her not to go there.

"Spare me." her voice hardened, but her eyes showed me her pain.

"You should have said something, I—well, I thought you were okay with it all."

"I am." she replied confidently. "But I am just saying, and that's another reason why I couldn't accept if you had asked me to—if you had offered me. . . ."

"Why?" it was more a plea than a request for her to explain.

"I don't want your stud services Jacob Black, I'd want you to be able to love me, if you were even gonna try. But you haven't showed me anything to believe you could."

Now I got it. She thought I was a cold, heartless bastard. And maybe I was, but I would have tried, at least. But I understood her. Of course I did.

"So, how do I prove to you that I am not the cold, heartless freak you think I am?"

Her lips parted to say something, but they closed quickly, forming a tight line.

"You don't. Forget about it." her words stumbled nervously, wiping the cold mask set on my face. Maybe this was my chance to get her back on my side. I needed her support. Speaking on the behalf of Bella, the very reason I was even having these messed up plans in my head, pissed me off.

Bella did not deserve Leah as a spokesperson. She had made her choice, she had her precious bloodsucker and her great life. It was a lost cause. Even if what Leah had said was true, and that I had given up, it still didn't change the fact that I wasn't about to risk losing the last fragments of who I was by a wild gamble for Bella's heart.

If I bet my last chips on her and lost, I knew it wouldn't be pretty.

So—feeling? I shuddered involuntarily at the thought of actually trying to make love to—no, absolutely not. I couldn't. I'd need practice.

I zeroed in on Leah's mouth, licking my lips I took a shaky step toward her. She was standing there, her face confused, probably wondering what the hell I was doing.

Good question, I had no freaking clue, but I was gonna give it a try.

Kiss her like you mean it, Jake.

I stopped, our bodies barely an inch apart.

"Jacob?" her brows furrowed as she took in—whatever dumb expression I wore.

Wow, this was gonna be so much more difficult than I thought. Suddenly I felt uncertain, insecure, like a sniveling kid acting like Casanova to kiss a girl.

Leah is a woman, remember that Jake. You're gonna have to pull out the big ones to convince her. Shit, I was shaking.

"Shut up Leah," I ordered when her lips moved to speak.

Well—to hell with it.

Feel.

My hands came around her waist, pulling her close.

Eye contact, jeez.

I looked at her, my eyes searching hers, trying to find something, anything as my hands clutched her just a little tighter against my chest. Then I felt her heart beat escalating.

So, something's going right. Or maybe she's getting pissed. But when I looked into her eyes they were just staring. She looked confused.

Man I sucked at this.

"A little help?" I asked, feeling embarrassed.

She smirked, her voice was mocking me, "Jacob, um—are you-"

"Shut up." I muttered. "I'm focusing here."

Instead of making another smart comeback she ran her hands up my chest, circling my neck.

It had never been this difficult with Bella. It had been easy, I'd just—dammit.

I had loved her, there had been none of this crap. I had felt everything about her, and I'd just acted. Of course this didn't work. This was Leah.

Who the hell was I kidding?

"You look kinda cute when you're nervous." she teased, but I could tell there was something there. I had done something to her. Her heart was beating in a strange rhythm. Her eyes were gazing at me now, instead of just staring. Whatever I was doing to her I did because of what she had been trying to tell me. I was hiding. I was a coward.

"The whole fact that you're standing there thinking I can't do this, makes me wanna do it, because I love a challenge." I revealed without shame, winking at her.

That was a bad move, because I felt her heart stutter, and suddenly she looked scared.

Nice. I was turning her on. Good job Jake, I commended myself.

That little piece of assurance was infectious, so I moved my hands up, my fingers trailing her spine until I reached the nape of her neck. Without any further hesitation I leaned in, tilting her head back, my lips descending on her exposed neck. Her scent was sweet and musky, somewhat pleasant, but not exciting me the way I'd hoped. I moved my lips across her skin, closing my eyes and trying to feel again.

Then, without warning memories of the kiss I'd shared with Bella that day outside that freaking tent surged through me. It caught me by surprise, and the feelings that completely took me over made my own heart pick up. I found myself wishing I'd insisted on Bella kissing me earlier, instead of running away like a child throwing a temper tantrum.

Or, I used this to prove a point to Leah. Payback for my nose.

I parted my lips, flicking my tongue across her soft skin, tasting her. A shudder wracked her body and she leaned into me.

Hello. Now we're talking. She was surrendering to me. Her arms dropped to my chest, roaming down the front. So I took my chance and pulled away slightly. I wanted to see it on her face.

They were definitely burning.

I ran one hand down, placing it on the small of her back, bringing her into me as my other raked into her hair, tilting her head. Then I leaned in and brushed my mouth against hers, ever so gently. Her eyelids fluttered. So I took the last step, parting her lips with my tongue, sliding it over hers teasingly.

Her reaction was immediate and she crushed herself against me. Lips to lips, body to body, molding herself against me.

For a few short moments my heart raced, my grip on her tightened as I plunged my tongue deeper, demanding more, and I felt myself wanting her. Not just to get off, but actually feeling her.

The moment that registered I wrenched myself away from her, my heart and my mind protesting with a vengeance.

I hadn't realized we'd actually gotten this close, this far. We were both staring at each other, panting.

For a long time we just stood there. Then suddenly Leah regained her ability to speak, and to act, and she slapped me.

Huh?

"Ouch?" I gaped at her. "What was that for?"

Then she smirked, "That's for making me want to rip your clothes off, asshole."

"Um, thanks. Does that mean I win?"

"No." she sighed, a small smile curving her full lips. "It means _I _win. You just proved to me that you want Bella, and that you're an idiot."

"Again, tell me something I don't know."

She was hell bent on giving me as much shit for this as possible.

"You're a good kisser." she offered, winking at me.

"And you're a conniving bitch." I muttered.

"In more ways than one."

"That was a really bad joke, even for you."

"Hey!" she slapped me again, this time causing me to grab her, a growl rumbling deep in my throat.

"Stop. Bitch-slapping. Me."

For a moment I thought she wanted to deck me, her eyes flashing. But then she relaxed, giving me a smug grin.

"Don't you have someplace to be?"

"You're right."

I still didn't want to stick around here while Bella was in town. Maybe Leah had proven a point, but I wasn't ready to deal with it just yet. Right now I needed space, time to think. Not that I'd get much time to think at my job, but I thought that staying away from La Push for a couple of days would be good. I knew that Charlie would more than likely pay me a visit tomorrow, and I wasn't gonna stick around for that. Sure, I deserved whatever he'd tell me, but I'd let him rip into me once Bella had flown back to the other side of the country.

I leaned in and gave Leah a quick peck on the cheek, then I jumped into my car.

"I'm outta here."

"Yeah, whatever Casanova."

"You wish." I quipped, pulling the door shut as I turned the key in the ignition, revving the engine at her.

I saw her rolling her eyes at me in the rear view mirror before I swung onto the road. I stuck my hand out the window, flipping her off.

"Back at ya!" I heard her yell.

Smug bitch. I'd give her this; without her I would have lost my mind a long time ago.

Spending one night in Lee's house was all I could take. It wasn't so much him as it was his wife. Not that I didn't like her, she was—nice. But she just had this way of looking at you, and seeing straight through you.

When I had first started working at the club, and met Lee's wife, Sonya for the first time I had been a lot more open. As in, whatever I was feeling had been hanging out for the whole world to see. I hadn't cared, I had just been in pain.

Sonya wasn't a very small woman. Not round by any means, but she was tall and sturdy. But she didn't act like the usual club-owner wife. Whatever that was supposed to mean, but she just didn't seem like one. In ways she reminded me of Sue, gentle and caring. With a heart of gold. She did know how to hold her liquor though. I wondered if it came from having spent too much time with Luce or if she just had a natural affinity for the stuff. But judging from her gentle nature I doubted she spent much time with the fake-tanned blonde.

Sunday morning, while I sat at their kitchen table, drinking milk and shoveling omelet into my mouth that Sonya had made for me she surprised me with a straight forward observation.

"You look different, Jake. Can't put my finger on it, but something about you is different." she eased herself onto a chair across from me, her eyes probing.

My shoulders jerked in a casual shrug, but I didn't offer a reply. Which she was used to by now. I didn't speak much, unless I absolutely had to.

"Lighter, more relaxed." she added, her eyes moving over my face as if to confirm her words.

"As relaxed as possible after having listened to Lee's chainsaw-snoring all night." I glowered. "I mean, how do you sleep in the same room as him, let alone the same bed?"

Now it was her turn to shrug, and she grinned.

"You get used to it after a while. Now, I think I'd spend most the night wide awake if I didn't hear his rumbling."

"Right." came my usual, non-committal response.

"You're not here for a social visit or because you like us." she pointed out.

To my defense I had to disagree, "I do like you, but yeah, I did have a reason. Private reasons." I hinted.

"I guessed as much. Problems at home?"

I gave her the look, that told her that I didn't really want to talk about it.

"All right," she chuckled, holding her hands up, "Easy tiger."

"No offense. But it's something I've gotta figure out for myself. Let's just say that it's complicated."

She nodded, but obviously had a thing or two to say, judging by that look she gave me. The very reason why I knew I couldn't stay here for another night.

"Things are only as complicated as you make them," she offered with a meaningful smile.

"Afraid that there's more than one person involved in this story, so, I don't have control over every aspect of the issue."

"Sounds like you're making up excuses to avoid dealing with it." she edged.

"Sonya," I warned, "I really don't want to go into it. It's uh-" I struggled for words.

She smiled knowingly. "Not as easy as it looks? Easier said than done, perhaps?"

"Something like that," I agreed, offering her a stiff smile.

"All right. I won't pry."

But I knew she would. She'd continue until she got something out of me. So that's why I left to go back to La Push after lunch.

Charlie's cruiser was sitting outside my dad's house when I pulled up. I had hoped I'd at least get to have a little rest before dealing with Charlie, but, I wasn't gonna get that lucky.

But the house was empty.

"Dad?" I yelled out, walking around the back of the house.

"Here!" he yelled back from the general direction of the garage.

I shoved my hands in my pockets, making my way to the doors. There was a horrible clanking ruckus coming from inside and with a raised eyebrow I stepped in through the doors.

Out of all the possible things I could have imagined, the last thing—no, I could never have imagined or prepared myself mentally for the scene that very nearly was just as potent as a punch in the gut.

Charlie stood off to one side, with my dad. They both had this look on their faces, like they were in shock but in complete awe at the same time. But that wasn't what really got me though. What got me were the pale legs sticking out from beneath a familiar, beat up 1963 Chevy.

My mouth went dry.

What in the hell was Bella doing in my garage? Even better question, what was she doing under her truck?

"Okay, okay, I think I see it." came her muffled voice from beneath the engine.

Charlie and my dad turned to look at me, my hand gesturing questioningly in her general direction. They both shrugged.

"I thought that thing had died?" my voice felt foreign to me, like I was in that big shock my voice couldn't even place itself right.

"It had, I mean—we towed it here." Charlie told me, but the way he said it sounded like there was more to it than just waking up and deciding to tow her truck down to my garage.

"Right." I responded under my breath, my eyes wandering back to Bella's bare legs, clad in sneakers. I hadn't really seen her legs before, but I got the impression that she participated in some kind of sports activity regularly. Her legs were toned and I found myself wondering what it would feel like having them wrapped around me. I swallowed and shoved my hands back into my pockets.

"What is she trying to do?" I tried sounding casual but the truth was I found it just as challenging to control my voice as my wild imagination.

All the while the clanking continued, accompanied by the occasional grunt or hiss.

"Does she even know what she's doing?"

Somehow I felt that hard to believe. The Bella I knew wouldn't step anywhere near anything that could be potentially dangerous. Laying under a three ton chunk of metal wasn't my idea of safe. Not in regards to Bella anyhow. Knowing her luck the damn bearings would give way.

I just couldn't help myself, "Bella, what's wrong with your Guardian?"

Her legs stiffened slightly, but she quickly recovered.

"It's a few-" grunt, "Thousand miles-" pant, "Away."

The corners of my mouth was twitching, "Do you need any help?" I asked, my voice having thawed out completely. The whole situation was so bizarre that I couldn't help but feel she was adorable.

"No. I've got this, I-" her voice cut off and all three of us stood, holding our breaths as we literally heard her gritting her teeth, throwing her whole body into something, her legs going all stiff.

"Aw shoot!" came her strained voice, together with a rush of breath being released, I think all four of released our breaths around the same time.

"I've got a feeling we'll be visiting the ER soon." came Charlie's gruff mumble.

"I'm fine," she gasped, "Just a minor setback, nothing really. . . ." her words trailed off.

"Bells?" he moved forward, concern marring his face.

"I'm fine!" she snapped. "Billy? Could you tell my dad where you keep your first-aid kit?" she asked through her teeth.

I stared after Charlie as he left, in hunt for supplies.

"Bella, maybe you should let Jake do it," my dad suggested softly.

"No." came her strangled protest. My guess was that she was breathing through her mouth, trying to avoid the smell of blood. I could smell it now, and my gut twisted when I resisted the urge to just drop to my knees and pull her out of there. Most likely she wouldn't want me to, and I didn't know if I could handle being that close to her.

Charlie returned after a few minutes with the small box, rummaging through it.

"How bad is it, honey?" he asked brusquely.

A small hand appeared, fingers wiggling. "Give me the box."

"No." he told her, "You're coming out of there. That's enough." he commanded.

The fact that she couldn't really deal with an injury in the small confines beneath the truck made her wriggle, scooting along the floor.

She was wearing a pair of cut off sweats, and as more of her came into view I saw a steely-blue tee with fancy looking lettering.

My eyes nearly bugged out of my head when the words "Bite Me" came into view, then I busted out laughing. The sudden onslaught of the sound made both Charlie and Billy jump. Guess it had been a while since they heard me laugh. I couldn't find it in me to care, or to stop.

Somehow I could see it though, I mean, Bella picking it out. I bet that had gotten a real nice reaction from her bloodsucker husband.

My dad's mouth was twitching, my amusement rubbing off. Charlie however looked at me, his expression saying only one thing; helpless confusion.

Then my eyes dropped to Bella's face. She knew what I was laughing at, I could see it in her eyes, and she had this knowing smirk plastered on her lips.

"Running a campaign?" I asked, not able to help myself.

"Actually no, I've just developed a sense of humor. Too bad Edward doesn't like it." her mouth twitched and she pouted theatrically.

This was lost on Charlie. You could see he was trying to place the joke, but he was completely missing the punchline.

"Pretty macabre sense of humor Bells, but I get your point. Don't know why you even thought it would work on Eddie, he's too stiff."

I think we both flinched simultaneously at the endearment. I hadn't talked to her like this since our little swing in the shadows at her wedding. But it had just slipped out, as if I'd been talking to her every day since that day. As if she had never left.

I clenched my jaw, feeling my spine solidify, closing up quickly out of habit.

This was a little too close for comfort. As much as I couldn't deny how damn good it felt to talk to her, and how easily it had flowed, it still was making me uncomfortable.

The silence that followed was awkward to say the least, and I could see Charlie and my dad squirming uncomfortably.

Billy cleared his throat, suddenly pivoting his chair, rolling himself out of the garage.

"I could use a cold beer, how about it Charlie?" he suggested, sending me a meaningful nod.

Charlie hesitated, but then shrugged, "Yeah, you can tell summer is coming, getting warmer." he replied, the double-meaning in his words not lost on me, leaving me and Bella alone in my garage. Just like old times.

Not like old times. That would mean I'd be where she was, and she'd be curled up on a box, watching me.

Bella scrambled up, swiping roughly at the dust on the back of her short sweats with one hand, the other one she had curled up, hiding whatever injury she'd inflicted through her stubborn attempt at—I don't even know what she'd been trying to accomplish. She didn't know anything about cars, as far as I knew.

I watched her closely as she turned her back to me, hunching over the first-aid kit, digging through it for whatever she needed. A hiss escaped her, and her shoulders stiffened.

"Do you need help?" I asked, feeling awkward just watching her.

"No. I can take care of myself." she muttered.

"All right."

As I stood there watching her, taking in her defined curves, the smooth line of her exposed neck, her hair being swept up into a lazy bun, I felt my resolve slipping. My body relaxed as my eyes continued roaming.

Just like that, as easy as that I told myself that at least I could try to be nice. Wasn't I already messed up? It couldn't get much worse than this. Okay, yes it could, but after four years of not being able to talk to her, be close to her—touch her. The tension in my body was back; fighting against the urge to just reach out and trace the line of her neck with my fingers. I wanted to bury my nose in the hollow at the nape of her neck; breathe her in.

My thoughts had made me move closer, and I saw that she had stopped moving, her shoulders were stiff, her breathing unsteady.

Trying to prevent a potential disaster I shoved my hands in my pockets, but I stepped around her to look at her face.

"Bella, I want to apologize for yesterday. I'm sorry about what happened."

She didn't look up, but her shoulders quirked, "It's fine."

Her indifference made me wince, "No it's not. I was being an ass." I insisted.

"Jake. Really," she looked up then, her eyes so damn sad it tore me up. "I don't know what I was thinking, or hoping. I understand that I messed things up. I have spent the last four years coming to terms with everything. But I won't bother you with it. I just want you to know that I really am sorry for everything, I wish I could take it back, but I can't. It wouldn't change anything, but at least try not to be so angry. It's hurting the people who are still in your life."

_I wish you were still in my life,_ "I know."

Fight for her Jake, she wants you to fight, so do it.

There was a conflict of emotions in her eyes as she stared at me, her hands wringing nervously in her lap.

"We never really were friends Jake. I mean, you were, but I wasn't. I just used you, I was selfish. You took my pain away after Edward left me, and I just clung to you like the leech I was." her voice was hard, bitter. Not at all something I would have expected to come from her.

"Bella-" she shouldn't be saying these things. I didn't want to take a trip down memory lane. I wasn't sure if I wanted to revisit the emotions that went with it.

"No. Let me say this. I've always tried to justify myself to you. Back then, I just said whatever I needed to say so that I could hang on to you, you were my security-blanket Jacob. I used you in all ways possible. I let you close, made you think there was a chance just so you wouldn't stop fighting. The truth is, I needed you to fight for me, because I didn't have the strength to do so. Not without Edward. But when he came back I didn't need you anymore, but I selfishly held on to you, because I couldn't let you go, until I knew for certain that Edward wouldn't leave me. You were my second best, and over the years it's festered inside me like poison. I have wanted to contact you so many times, to beg for forgiveness. But I knew I had no right. I still have no right. But you deserve the truth. And I needed to let you know what a selfish little brat I was, how clueless I was. And that I am not worth hurting over."

This was always what I'd felt. She had described everything so beautifully, down to the part where she told me I was "second best"; didn't I know it. It cut me open all over again. But I found it in me to stay calm, don't know how, but I did it.

Practice makes perfect, I thought grimly.

Then she continued, "But I did love you. As strange as it may sound, I really did. But it isn't until now that I've realized what it all meant." she wasn't looking at me now, she was gazing ahead with a wistful smile on her lips.

"I thought differently back then, I rationalized everything from a different perspective. Now I can see that I actually loved you more than Edward, but it was so different that I thought it meant I didn't love you enough. Edward's offer was easy to relate to, it was like Romeo & Juliet." then her eyes came back into focus, and she looked up at me, her eyes desperate, begging me to believe her. "I had felt like the odd-one-out all my life, so when I found Edward I felt I belonged, because he didn't belong in this world, and neither did I. But you do Jake, and the love I felt for you was so real, so raw that it scared the shit out of me. I couldn't relate. So I ran. And I am so, _so very_ sorry for the mess I left behind."

A short pause followed where I tried to let it all sink in, but it didn't want to settle. After years of telling myself that she had just played with me, toyed with my feelings, that part of her confession affirming my suspicions, that was easy to believe. But I couldn't believe that she had loved me more.

Why was she saying this now?

She is bored, she has realized she wants to hold on to her humanity. Maybe she has gone behind the leech's back too, to explore her new found appreciation for humanity. After all, she was an attractive woman, and I doubted she had gone unnoticed at College. Prancing around in fancy clothes, swinging those rounded hips. Suddenly the new possibility of her sudden confession hit me. Maybe she had come here, hoping to get her last wish out of me.

Luce's words rung through me, and it made sense.

Well, if she had come here thinking that she could break me down so she could lure me into bed and steal the last part of me that I'd been dying to give to her for years—no, that was not gonna happen.

I'd be lying if I denied that I'd fantasized about her in that way though. Even all those years ago, before she grew into a woman, she had affected me. How many night's hadn't I spent awake, imagining her soft body beneath mine, her legs wrapped around me as she sighed my name.

I could give her a taste, let her know exactly what she was missing out on, but not go all the way. I had the restraint. Maybe I was a sucker for Bella, maybe she held the strings to my heart, but she didn't know anything about my body. But she could get a preview.

"Why now, Bella? What compelled you to tell me this, now, out of all times? You're leaving soon, aren't you?" my voice had hardened, I couldn't help it, and she flinched back slightly.

"A few more hours, then Charlie will drive me to the airport." she confessed, defeated when she realized her little speech hadn't thawed me out.

"And you decided to come here, trying to fix your truck?" my tone was disbelieving, accusing. Calling her bluff.

"I was," she faltered, "I couldn't be in my room anymore. I missed you and wanted to see you before I left, stupid, I know. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm a stupid woman." her eyes searched mine, and I don't know what she saw there.

I lowered my voice, leaning in, "I think you're lying."

"What?" she sputtered, "No, I'm not. I did miss you Jake, please don't-"

"Maybe you thought you missed me, but how can you miss something you don't know anything about?" I said suggestively, staring at her, willing her to see my intent.

Her eyes widened. Bingo. She wasn't as slow these days.

"You know what I think?" I pulled my hand out of my pocket, reaching out to brush a lock of hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear, letting my hand linger there before trailing my fingertips down her neck. She shivered, her eyes fluttering.

A smile tugged at my lips when I heard her heart stutter.

"What's that?" she breathed.

I withdrew the hand still in my pocket reaching for her, my other hand running back up her neck, framing her face.

"Let me show you," I whispered before descending on her already parted lips.

A whimper tore from her, and she pushed herself against me. Her softness molding against me while her hands flew up into my hair. There was a restraint in her, like she was holding herself back. The reason behind it caused me to growl, and I dropped my hands to cup her ass. Her breath caught in her throat as I hitched her up against me, her legs wrapping gently around me.

Still not good enough, I thought and swirled her against the side of her truck, pushing her into the hard metal. She gasped.

"Stop being so careful with me, Bella. I am flesh and blood, remember that."

I shoved against her, making my point, forcing her to respond to the sudden need that coursed through my veins. Her response was unexpected when she forced her mouth against mine again, sucking my bottom lip in-between her teeth, biting down and drawing blood. At first I was shocked, but pleasantly so. This was going better than I thought it would. Too good, I thought as her hands roamed down my chest, finding their way beneath my shirt. She shuddered against me when her hands explored my stomach, causing me to nearly go crazy for her. I hadn't expected how her hands moved as if to possess me, not only my body, but my heart.

She sighed, blowing her sweet breath into my mouth, "God Jake, you don't know how many times I've imagined this, I missed your warmth."

Everything inside me protested, conflicted by the joy and longing in her voice.

This wasn't how it was supposed to go, not at all. Yet again we were trudging on dangerous territory. My body I could control, but not my heart; if I was to keep the upper hand I needed to put distance between us. And do it quick.

I almost pulled her back into my arms when I felt the agonizing loss, and she stared up at me, her swollen lips parted in shock, her eyes showing me rejection and—raw passion. Damn she wanted me as much as I wanted her.

"I think I proved my point," I said, my voice broken. Goddammit. Why did she have to look like I'd slapped her. She blinked her eyes at me, processing what had just happened.

I waited patiently.

Finally she spoke, "What point?" she asked, still breathless.

Yeah, what point exactly had I wanted to prove? That she was human, with needs; physical needs, and that choosing a leech for a husband didn't really quell all those needs. But what else had I proven? That I wanted her, physically—hell yes. But also, I needed her. Not only her body, but her heart. The moment our bodies had connected I had felt it flare up inside me, the throbbing pain of my heart still bleeding to have her with me, always. When it came to Bella it was all or nothing, because everything was connected. I'd just realized the struggles I'd had as a kid, trying to be her friend. But every day I got to spend with her had only mounted up to the hell I'd gone through when I finally lost her forever. When she told me her love wasn't enough, no where near enough. So she picked him, picked death, instead of life.

But she was still here, she was still Bella. Why was that? Had she come back to make sure once and for all that she wanted to live forever, frozen in body, eternal in mind. I didn't want to believe that. I wanted to believe she had doubts because she loved me, and she wanted me. That if I fought for her she would finally see that she loved me more, just as she'd said she did.

I just couldn't accept it. Too much had happened.

Too many years had passed. The betrayal ran too deep.

"It was good to see you again Bella, and I really hope you found what you were looking for."

With that I turned and walked away, deciding I needed a place to drown in for a moment, and that would not happen while still affected my my weak body and my breaking heart. Yeah, breaking yet again, how ever the hell that was possible. I was such a schmuck.

I heard her shouting for me, crying, but my hands worked quickly as I shed my clothes, bounding for the forest. The Alpha in me snarled with feral victory.

My body unhinged, my heart faded and I was one with the wolf, running away again.

Yep, life's a bitch, then you fuck one.

_Hey, I heard that!_

_Go away Leah._

_Jacob?_

_Leave me alone._

_'Kay. Come back, soon._


	6. Taking Back My Love

_Go ahead just leave, can't hold you, you're free  
You take all these things, if they mean so much to you  
I gave you your dreams, 'cause you meant the world  
So did I deserve to be left here hurt?_

_By  
Enrique Iglesias ft. Ciara_

**~* Taking Back My Love *~**

_**Bella...**_

Charlie's concerned voice brought me out of it, "Bells, what's wrong?"

This trip had been a mistake. An utter failure. I had even managed to ruin my dad's wedding. I just hoped I hadn't placed a curse on his head now with my showing up here.

_Slap._ Snap out of it.

"I had a fight with Jake, again." I sighed, folding my hands in my lap to stop them from picking a hole in my sleeve.

He huffed, "Don't let it get you down. He'll get over it."

I tilted my head to look at my dad, wondering where the confidence came from. How would Jake get over all the turmoil I'd shoveled over him? Maybe if my dad knew about Edward he would finally understand. The idea was tempting. Another weight lifted off my shoulder. Another lie I'd finally not have to spend hours agonizing over. But no, I couldn't—wouldn't do that. I believed it had been hard enough for him to find out that half the kids at La Push morphed into giant wolves.

"I want to ask you something," I began, peering up at his face.

"Shoot, honey."

"If I hadn't been married to Edward, and knowing what you know about—stuff, would you have accepted Jake as my significant other?"

His head turned slowly, his face stoic. "Is that what you were arguing about?"

I sighed; left myself wide open for that one didn't I. "Well—yes, and no. But dad," I went on, "All that aside, let us say hypothetically that Edward had never been in the picture if it makes you more comfortable."

"That not only makes me more comfortable, that prospect is something I have wished for ever since he had the nerve to return after what he did to you." he retorted.

I flinched, "Dad. Be nice."

"Sorry, Bells." he mumbled gruffly.

A moments silence passed, and I was ready to let it go, when dad replied.

"My feelings about Jake hasn't changed. I still think he's a good kid, better than most. Even with all the, uh—added extras." he admitted earnestly, but his face showed some discomfort.

"So the supernatural doesn't freak you out?" I blurted out, curious now.

"Bells," he edged, "I don't really want to talk about it. It doesn't really affect me. I mean, I know about Leah and Seth, but-" he cut himself off, as if he was considering something. Then he continued, his tone firm. "It doesn't hurt anyone. It's just a part of their heritage. Some dance around a bonfire and beg for rain, others' live their life without electricity and ESPN," this appalled him, he grimaced but went on, "And some are more, um, spiritual."

Was he seriously comparing the wolves to the Amish? I stared at him, stunned.

"Except that they don't really choose it." I added.

"Well, it could have been worse, considering some of the crazy legends that are out there, Bells." he said this with relief in his voice, as if he had a specific, unpleasant legend in his mind. I almost asked him to make a comparison, a suggestion of what would be worse. Almost. But I didn't.

Because he beat me to it.

"Back in the days, Dracula was a big fascination, together with that Werewolf movie, I forget the name. There are even people—no, kids, that walk around wishing they were vampires these days, can you believe it?" he shuddered. "It makes me wonder if they are all true, God forbid. What would I do against them? My job would be obliterated. That is the part about all this that makes me not want to talk about it. I do not want to think about what other strange things are going on behind the stage. So, can we drop this now?"

The world was tilting, and I was ready to pass out.

"Bells?" he seemed to be so far away, he sounded panicked. "God-" he gasped.

I felt the car come to a sudden stop, and he was out of his seat, only to fling my door open and pull me out of the car.

"Breathe, Bella, breathe!" he commanded, stricken.

The cool afternoon air swirled around me, bringing me out of my trance and I gasped. He helped me straighten up.

"Whoa—head rush." I wheezed, stumbling as he lowered me back to my seat.

Cars were whizzing past us. That's when I noticed my dad had pulled over to the curb in the middle of a busy road.

"Dad, you're not allowed to stop here." I scolded.

He scoffed, "When you are about to faint I will pull over wherever I please," he paused to look at the cars then he turned back to me with a sheepish grin, "Okay, maybe this was a bad spot. But Bells, are you all right?"

"Yeah, fine. Don't worry about me."

"You're not pregnant are you?"

"Dad! If I was you would be among the first to know."

Pregnant, when the only one I'd ever had sex with was basically undead. Yeah right, what kind of strange universe did we live in? I shuddered involuntarily at the thought of it. Edward, I loved him, but I did not want to create little Edwards with him, even if he'd be able to.

"All right. Well, let's get going again then, if you're sure you're okay?" his eyes went over me a few times and when he seemed satisfied with what he saw he went back to the driver's seat.

"I just need a good night's sleep. Last night was not the best night I've had." I professed curtly.

The car started moving again and soon we were back on track. I was actually looking forward to going home. I missed my project, my laptop. I did miss Edward too. And his family—my family, I corrected myself.

Then my cell vibrated.

_Edward!_

Quickly I flipped it open, noticing I had a few unanswered calls and several messages. Wait, why did my phone vibrate and not beep?

I groaned. I had forgotten to turn it off silent last Thursday when I left the library.

So, that's why Edward "hadn't called". But when I really thought about it, I hadn't even thought about it. Not until now did it dawn on me that the moment I had boarded the plane to come here I had put them all out of my mind. Not completely, but enough not to be bothered by the lack of calls and messages.

Most of them were from Edward, he was worried about me, wondering why I didn't answer their calls or returned their messages. How odd. If he had been so worried, why hadn't they come to see me? Oh, I bet Alice kept an eye out for me. Although, she couldn't see much because of the wolves. Huh. Maybe they just trusted me. Correction; Edward trusted me. I had talked to him before I left and told him I wanted to be given space. I was thoroughly stunned that they had actually respected my personal space. A few years ago it would have been an impossible request. When I was a teenager they had stooped to kidnapping, for crying out loud.

I went through the messages, three from Edward, two from Alice.

The last message was from an unknown number.

_**I don't know why I'm doing this, but I am.**_

_**You can thank me later.**_

_**Leah.**_

Beneath was an ID-forward on a J. Black—Leah had sent me Jake's cellphone number? Why would she want me to have his number? After what had happened in his garage I was left under the impression that keeping in touch was not something he wanted. I looked at when she had sent it, and I realized it had been just recently. Must have been while I was having my panic attack.

Hang on, how did she get her hands on my number to start with?

I glanced at my dad, his face relaxed, normal.

"Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Have you exchanged numbers with anyone lately?" I asked sweetly.

He glanced at me, confused. All right, maybe not.

"What do you mean?" he asked, perplexed.

"Leah just sent me a message. . . ."

"What kind of message?" he asked, suddenly on edge.

"ID-forward of a J. Black." I said coolly.

His eyes widened, "Now just hang on a minute, you don't think—you do!" he accused. "Bells, I may not like Edward, but I just got married myself, and even though I know things don't always work out the way you intend—well, I am a firm believer in monogamy." he said gruffly, the shade in his face changing slightly.

"I know, I'm sorry." I apologized, embarrassed I had even thought it.

"If that weren't the case, I would give you his number myself." he added without shame, grinning.

We sat in silence for a few minutes. Then out of nowhere my dad gasped.

"That little—so that's why my cell was in my left jacket pocket!" his face went red.

I couldn't help but laugh.

"Leah is many things, dad. Little is not one of them, though." I pointed out in my amusement.

He huffed, but didn't say anything else. He just sat there fuming until we arrived at the airport.

When he had helped me to the gates he pulled me in for a quick hug. I guess my uncharacteristic, emotional breakdown yesterday hadn't made him open up to gestures of affection.

"Don't you be a stranger now, Bells. I expect to be hearing from you." he ordered brusquely.

"Yeah, I love you too, dad." I held on just a little bit longer than he did, my eyes stinging.

I knew I would see him again soon. In two weeks I would be graduating, and he was invited to my graduation party, I had made him promise to come, even though I knew he would never leave Forks unless he absolutely had to. Strange how fast time passed; one moment flying out the window, whereas other moments seemed to last for an eternity.

As soon as I got onto the plane I sent Edward a message that I was safely on the plane and would be on my way home shortly; flight on time and everything. Not even thirty seconds later did I get his reply.

_**I have been so worried. I tried to respect your wishes.**_

_**It was very difficult, but I hope you had a good time.**_

_**I love you, and I will see you soon.**_

I smiled. So they had honored my request. Suddenly I didn't feel too upset about their messages. At least they hadn't showed up, battle-ready, at the wedding. That would have caused an even larger mess than the one I left.

When my mind wandered back to Jake I couldn't help the weak flutter of my heart. No matter if his intentions had not been heartfelt I couldn't help but wishing he had continued, instead of pulling away from me. There had been something so incredibly arousing about the way he had handled me. So completely unfamiliar and far from gentle. In a way I had enjoyed it, immensely so. The mental affirmation caused me to blush.

Not only that. The way his skin had felt under my hands, it had been something so far from anything I could have ever imagined. It reminded me of our kiss outside the tent. Would I ever be able to forget that?

No.

Absolutely not; that was the turning point. The moment I realized I loved him. But I hadn't been in a place to appreciate it. I wanted my fairytale. But now I wasn't certain anymore. In fact, I was almost positive I did _not_ want the fairytale anymore.

But, what did I want?

Whenever my thoughts strayed toward the future, and no matter what I saw, how come his face was always there—Jacob's face. I couldn't shake it. Or was it just that one thing I could have had, but never chose, and so I kept obsessing over it. That was something I couldn't answer right now. But I did know that most likely I would soon be Bella Swan, yet again.

I was dreading bringing it up. Most likely I would not get the chance to bring it up once I have made the decision. Alice would know, and Edward would see.

At least I would hold off thinking about it until after graduation. I did not need the added emotional drama after everything I had learned about Jacob.

Honestly I did not even want to think about Jacob right this moment either. This afternoon I had seen a glimpse of the man I thought he might be, the Jake I once knew and loved. But there was also a darker side to him now. It felt unreal that I could have caused such a cataclysm, just by choosing another man.

Not just another man, a vampire, I reminded myself.

Somewhere in the midst of my mental sparring with myself I drifted off to sleep, and didn't wake until a voice announced over the intercom that we would be landing shortly.

As soon as I was off the plane I felt a tingle of excitement. I was home—well, almost home. I searched the crowd looking for the familiar face of my husband, until I stopped short.

How was it possible that he could affect me this way after only having been apart for a mere three days, not even that.

"Edward!" I heard myself cry out in excitement as I dropped my luggage and launched myself through the crowd. I threw myself at him, my arms wrapping around his neck as my legs simultaneously wrapped around his waist.

"Hello, love." he chuckled under his breath.

I buried my face in his neck, breathing him in. Instantly I felt lightheaded and my heart fluttered wildly within my chest. Oh yes, this was what I'd been missing. This feeling that now spread through me like a wildfire. I pressed my lips against his cool skin, feeling him shudder beneath me.

"I missed you." I mumbled breathlessly.

"And I missed you." his arms tightened slightly around me, but only ever so slightly.

The drive home was done in a charged silence. I could barely keep my hands off him. Which made him chuckle, accusing me of still being at the mercy of my hormones.

"This is not hormones anymore Edward, this is just me wanting you." I whispered into his ear, leaning over to place a hand on his knee, running it suggestively up his thigh. His breath caught, making me smile victoriously.

He carried me, and my luggage up the stairs to our apartment, not patient enough to wait for the elevator. Once inside I began fumbling with the buttons to his shirt while he was kissing trails along my jaw, making my knees turn to jelly.

"You are being very impatient this evening, love." he smiled against me, his cool breath making me shiver. "Not that I am complaining." he added in a whisper.

Finally I got his buttons undone and I ripped the shirt off him. I don't know what had gotten into me, and I noticed Edward's curious eyes as I went straight for his slacks.

"What?" I asked shakily, stopping myself.

His smile didn't fade but I saw something in his eyes, some emotion I couldn't quite place, and it almost killed my buzz. Almost, but not entirely.

For a moment I thought he would be the one, for once, in a very long time to actually stop this from going any further. That hadn't happened since before we were married. And perhaps after our first lovemaking session on Isle Esme.

Instead he slipped his arms around me, pulling me closer, his smooth lips moving lightly over mine. Desire flared up again and I nearly mauled him. I crushed my lips against his, wanting to be closer, my tongue darting out to trail his upper lip, begging for him to let me in. He seemed hesitant, which irritated me, making me react more aggressively.

Looking back at it, it was probably _the_ most stupid thing I could have done. Nothing could quite have prepared me for the sheer, piercing pain that shot through my teeth as I bit him.

I do believe I would have sustained less injuries trying to bite through a rock.

"Ow, oh holy—_GOD!_" I sprung from his arms, my hands clutching my mouth.

"Bella, love, are you all right—why would you do that?" he was aghast, his voice so full of worry and concern it made my head spin at the sheer urgency of it.

"Mffrgh!"

His honey-gold eyes stared at me helplessly as I jumped around, still covering my mouth.

"Let me see, love. I need you make sure you are all right."

"Mrgh!" I shook my head

"Do you want me to get Carlisle?"

"Mhmm." I nodded.

Only a few minutes later Carlisle arrived. He looked between us, questioningly.

"She tried to bite me." Edward told him, flabbergasted.

Carlisle's eyebrow raised speculatively. "Do I even want to know _where_."

"Mugh!" I groaned.

Edward just stared at me, his head moving from side to side, as if he was wondering who I was and what I had done with his Bella.

"My lip." he replied quietly, slightly embarrassed.

Carlisle's face relaxed, "Ah." he replied. "Well, Bella. Let me have a look."

So I removed my hands, noting the blood on them, groaning again. Inwardly I cursed Forks and La Push. All it had taken was a couple of days there and I was back to attracting disaster. I bet next thing that would happen would be failure to graduate due to crashing my car on the way to the ceremony.

When Carlisle gently touched my teeth, feeling if any of them were loose I screamed, causing Edward to grimace. I shot him a disgusted look. He knew I didn't like it when he overreacted.

"You have strong teeth Bella, there's no damage. You just caused some tearing when-"

"Spare me the details." I mumbled carefully, my teeth aching as my tongue touched them.

"All right. Well, if that was all." he smiled at me. "How was the wedding by the way?"

"Fine." I answered curtly.

I hadn't been prepared to answer questions about my trip, let alone the disastrous wedding day. The last thing I wanted to talk about was the mess I had left behind and how my choices seemed to have split the whole of La Push into two sides. The ones who accepted what had happened, and the ones who didn't. At least none of it seemed to have affected my dad. So thank God for small favors.

"Were the pack members there?" he continued. I chanced a glance at Edward who was watching me intently now.

"All of them, and a few more that I didn't recognize. Oh," I turned to Edward, "Seth sends his 'hello'." I tried to smile but failed miserably as the pain cut through my teeth. "Seems like my dad found out about the wolves, too. But not you." I announced in a strained cheerfulness that didn't quite feel sincere. Might have had something to do with what my dad had said about Dracula and Nosferatu in the car while he drove me to the airport.

Carlisle smiled, "It's for the best."

I nodded. Couldn't say I disagreed there.

Then I noticed that Edward was still looking at me with an odd expression on his face. Carlisle noticed and excused himself, sensing that Edward had questions of his own. I sensed it too, but would have been quite happy for Carlisle to stay.

As soon as Carlisle had left though Edward stepped toward me, taking my hands in his, his eyes boring into me.

"Did you see Jacob?" he asked quietly, his expression somewhat guarded.

Here we go.

"Yes, I did see Jacob."

"And?"

"He didn't try to win me back if that is what you are worried about." I bit out.

Instantly I regretted being harsh, and I softened.

"Sorry. I won't lie to you. Even though it was great to see my dad get married I have to say that it was a very emotionally draining trip."

I slumped my shoulders and dragged myself over to our living room, falling back onto the suede sofa opposite the balcony so I could watch the lights from Hanover. Admittedly there weren't many, but I focused on them none the less.

"Did he give you any trouble?"

The cold, bitter laugh was out of my mouth before I could stop it. "Hardly." I responded icily. "If anyone caused trouble it was me." I told him, suddenly blinking against the tears forming in my eyes. Edward was on his knees in front of me, catching a straying tear with the cool sweep of his thumb.

"Somehow I find that very hard to believe." he said reassuringly.

But I knew that this was something I was right about, and no matter what Edward thought of me, his feelings on the subject wasn't shared by the whole world.

"You have no idea what you are talking about Edward. You couldn't possibly understand the pain I have caused."

He frowned. "Ah. He is still upset about you marrying a soulless monster. Granted, he is right about that, but I am sorry you are hurting. Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" he asked sincerely.

"I just want to go to bed."

With that I stood, walking over to the bathroom. Instead of leaving the door open as usual I closed it, and locked it. Something I had never done before. I knew that I was hurting him again, but it couldn't be avoided tonight.

Once again Jacob flooded my mind and I sank down onto the edge of the tub, burying my face in my hands, rubbing it roughly. Guilt washed over me. What had really gotten into me? What had happened? One moment I had been fussing over the stupid cut I got from unleashing my frustrations on my old Chevy, the next I'd been in his arms, responding to an unfamiliar passion that had taken over my body completely.

Not too unfamiliar, I reminded myself, yet again thinking about the kiss we had shared all those years ago. I had felt it then too, but I had been too scared to look into it further.

Now, however I had given in to it. It had felt as if I had been walking around on needles up until that point, because in Jacob's arms I had relaxed, given in, and come to life. My body had responded in ways I didn't know it was capable of.

Yet again thought about how I had liked how careless it had been, so irrational and so very, _very_ sensual. He had practically demanded that I let go.

"_Stop being so careful with me, Bella. I am flesh and blood, remember that."_

God! Heat shot through me, setting my whole body on fire.

Mortified I shot up, stalking to the sink to run the water, splashing my face with it. I glared at my reflection. My face flushed, my lips parted as if they were anticipating—ugh!

In my moment of temporary insanity I considered going to Edward and asking him to finally grant me immortality. That would be a certain and violent end to these raw urges assaulting my body and mind. But the moment I thought it I stifled back a cold laugh.

Back to this are we, Bella? Diving in, head first, into the first best option to avoid the challenges of life, the challenges of being a human.

Who was I kidding. Of course Jake would affect me like this, I cared about him, I knew him, but above all else he was masculinity personified. His body screamed promises at me, possibilities.

I hadn't felt this crippled by my physical needs since those few weeks on Isle Esme. Certainly I had wanted Edward before then, I had been curious. But afterward, when I finally got a taste of it I had turned into a hormonal monster. Against all things sane I had dropped all previous dreams of immortality and gambled my time against more. More sex.

If the desire for blood would eclipse this—Rosalie had promised I would only want blood—what I felt right now, then I couldn't be more grateful, I would _never _be more grateful for having given in to my hormones.

I would not want to feel remotely enticed by blood, actually, the thought made me feel slightly repulsed. God, poor animals. How had I not seen this before? How had I managed to overlook this predicament?

Thank you Rosalie and thank you sexual tension!

Pushing everything to the back of my mind I snatched up my toothbrush and brushed my teeth carefully. I gave up finally, realizing the pain was too much.

What a stupid thing to do, how could one think to bite a vampire? The look on my face in my reflection told me the whole situation was a big joke. So instead of beating myself up more I burst out into irrational giggles.

"Bella?" came Edward's concerned voice from the other side of the door.

I put my toothbrush away and rinsed my mouth, dabbing my face gently on my way over to the door, unlocking it. I dropped the towel on the counter just as Edward swung the door open.

His face was unsure, his eyes guarded, "What is so funny?"

I pushed my hands against his chest to get him to move, "I bit you, no wait, I _tried_ to bite you. Tell me that isn't funny." I said, my voice strained as I kept stifling back laughter.

"I am still trying to understand why you would do such a thing." he said, not one hint of humor in his voice as he followed me.

"I don't know. I am human, and I just reacted." I excused myself lamely.

It wouldn't do to tell him that I had bit Jake earlier, while I was in his arms, my legs wrapped around him, wanting him closer than what our clothes allowed.

My traitorous heart skipped a beat.

"Bella," he began while I had my back to him, rummaging through the cupboards in the kitchen for the instant coffee. "Did something happen between you and Jacob?"

My shoulders twitched slightly as I forced myself not to flinch. Finally spotting the instant coffee on the top shelf I looked around for the stool I used for these situations. I pulled it up to the counter, stepping up to grab the clear glass jar.

"Did you put this up here?" I asked, ignoring his question.

"Yes, you haven't used it in months, I doubt it's good still-"

I cut him off. "Good enough for now. I need coffee and I don't have the patience to wait for that fancy monster of a coffee-machine." I whined.

"Bella," he tried again, "I asked you a question. Would you like to answer me?"

My shoulders stiffened of their own accord as I felt the guilt wash through me again.

"He got angry with me at the wedding, actually, the whole pack had to hold him down." I revealed, casually, as if this was completely normal. I felt bad for giving Jacob away, but I'd rather have Edward focus on his rage for my safety having been in jeopardy, rather than see the hurt on his face when I told him that me and Jacob had—what had we done? Made out, I decided.

I heard him hiss.

"Apparently him and Leah have some sort of relationship now." I added indifferently.

This made Edward laugh and I spun to stare at him.

"They are perfectly suited for each other." he mused.

I couldn't stop the flinch. Then Edward came toward me, his face suddenly soft, loving. He pulled me into his arms, kissing the top of my head.

"I am glad to hear he has finally gotten over his unhealthy infatuation with you. I knew he was all talk. I have to admit I was worried about you seeing him, but now I feel it was thoroughly unnecessary, and my instincts were telling me the truth. I hope you can see it now too, love. Because I know you have been agonized over hurting him, when you shouldn't have been."

His words trickled through my veins like ice.

I nodded my head numbly against his chest, not trusting my voice to carry any words.

After a long, agonizing silence I pulled out of his arms, returning to my cup to make myself the coffee I had almost forgotten about. Now more than ever I needed it.

As I moved around, filling the kettle, measuring a spoon of the powder; I felt Edward watching me. I stood with my back turned to him, drumming my fingers against the counter as I waited for the water to boil.

Then Leah's message popped into my head, and the urge to message her back and ask her why she had given me Jake's number was overpowering.

"I'm going to send my dad a message, tell him I arrived safely." I said absentmindedly while walking past Edward. I quickly found my bag, rummaging through it frantically for my cell. My fingers danced shakily over the keypad as I typed out the message to Leah.

_**I'm not sure what I am supposed to do.**_

_**Jake doesn't want to talk to me.**_

_**Why did you send me his number?**_

I hesitated then pressed to send. Then I waited, and waited.

Finally I gave up and sent a new message to my dad, telling him what I had told Edward I would say. I shoved my cell into my pocket and stalked back to the kitchen, spying my cup waiting for me on the counter. He had made it ready for me. I looked around, wondering where he had gone when I felt my cell vibrating. I nearly jumped.

I pulled it out and flipped the face, opening the message.

_**Glad to hear it. Don't forget about us.**_

I felt a twinge of disappointment, then guilt. Why was I suddenly considering actually sending a message to Jake. I didn't even know what I was supposed to say. Somehow I felt that everything had been said and that he had left me with no options. In my mind it felt as if I had lost him for good. Even though my body was screaming, telling me differently, reminding me of the way he had touched me, and how it had made me feel.

My coffee was going cold and I grimaced as the lukewarm liquid slid down my throat.

Irritated I tipped the rest into the sink, washing the cup and put it away. Then I went straight for the bedroom, dropping my cell on the counter. Might as well turn in early, maybe sleep would come and save me from the whirlwind of thoughts that kept nagging at me.

Edward returned half an hour after I had slipped into bed. I was still wide awake, not able to push images of Jake and me away. Not able to stop thinking about what I would do when College was finally over. Should I try to get that job in Seattle, or should I move to Florida perhaps, to spend some time with my mom. I knew that I could probably get a job anywhere. Renee would love that. Which brought on another bout of guilt. I hadn't talked to her much lately.

In the beginning she had been so excited for me, sending me e-mails several times a week. Now I was lucky if I received an e-mail once a month.

The hyperventilation hit me the moment the image registered. I could have been like Edward now, cold, hard, frozen. These thoughts that were assaulting me about all the things I regretted and wanted to change, and could change would have been out of reach. There would have been no going back. The grief of it all knocked the breath out of me. I gasped for air.

"Bella?" came Edwards alarmed voice in the darkness.

His cool arms wrapped around me, pulling me against his wintry chest.

I cried out the moment my skin came into contact with his, and flew out of the bed.

My eyes stung as I stared at his shocked face.

"Oh Edward, I'm so sorry!" I wailed and sobs wracked my body.

When I felt him coming closer I backed away, my naked body trembling at the chill that emanated from him.

"Don't." I choked out. "I—I can't. . . ."

I didn't dare to look at him. Then I felt the softness of my fleece robe being draped over my shoulders as he wrapped it around me, then stepped away.

The piercing pain I felt stabbing at my heart made me cry even harder, causing me to gulp for air and double over as I let misery have me. I knew what he would look like, I didn't have to see it for myself to know. The tortured agony in his face was excruciating to imagine. What was I doing to him? What was happening to me? Had I really spent all these years just to amount to this—this heap on the floor, falling to pieces.

Get up woman! Get up and deal with it!

I stood up slowly, moving out of the bedroom on shaky legs. When Edward made to follow I asked him to please give me some space and that I would be back shortly.

As I passed the counter in the kitchen I saw the faint, rhythmical blinking of the light from my cell, indicating that I had a message. I snatched it up in my trembling hands as I went for the balcony, pushing the door shut behind me as I sat down. What time was it?

_22:09_

When I opened the message I held my breath.

_**You are as dense as he is.**_

_**Send him a message.**_

_**Don't let him give up on you.**_

_**Just trust me.**_

I couldn't help rolling my eyes in the darkness.

_Send him a message,_ saying what? My mind was a complete blank. I had no idea what I would tell him. Even though Leah's few short lines made my heart flutter with hope I couldn't just blindly trust her. As far as I knew, Leah didn't like me. It didn't make any sense that she would want me to not give up on him. After what I had seen, the kiss they had shared.

He kissed you, he did the same thing to you. Yes, as true as that may be I still had the strangest feeling in my stomach that he had just been testing me. After all, Jake had an arrogance and confidence about him. Who was to say that it hadn't only been a question about getting me into bed?

You are so stupid! I screamed at myself.

Jake wouldn't do that. It wasn't who he was. I couldn't believe that. After all we had been through together, he had had plenty of opportunities to take advantage of me if that's what he really wanted to do. But he hadn't.

I decided to get over myself and just send him a message. What would be the harm? If by some miracle we could put the past behind us and finally be friends, like he had been to me. I could be that friend to him finally. If I just got over myself.

Friends. But I didn't want to be just friends with him. I wanted more of what we had shared in the garage. More of his burning body against mine; the smell of earth, pine and oiled leather invading my nostrils, the sweet musky taste of him on my tongue—God, I just wanted Jacob.

The pit of my stomach tightened painfully as I sat there losing myself in the sensations that seared through to my very core.

Without thinking I started typing out a message to him.

_**Hi Jake. This is very uncharacteristic of me,**_

_**but I have to be honest with you.**_

_**I can't stop thinking about you, especially**_

_**not what happened in your garage.**_

_**Bella**_

Before I could erase it I pressed send. The moment it was sent I panicked and wished I had sent something less—God, he was going to think I was some sex-crazed maniac! I chewed my lips nervously as I stared at my cellphone.

I was surprised when it suddenly vibrated. With my heart in my throat, and my stomach clenching painfully I opened the message.

_**How did you get my number?**_

My face fell and I started to reply when my phone buzzed again. I jumped.

_**Can't he give you what you need anymore?**_

Anger flared up inside me as I stared at his question. Even his text messages mocked me! Ugh! He was the most infuriating person I had ever met. With jerky movements I typed out a reply.

_**Forget it. Goodnight!**_

I shoved the phone into the pocket of my robe and flung the door open, not even bothering to close it behind me. I went straight to bed, wrapping myself up in my robe. Edward's stares burned holes into the back of my skull, but the last thing that I saw before I succumbed to sleep was Jacob's cold, mocking smirk.

The next day I went back to my studies, buried myself in my project and blanked out everything that had happened that weekend, and all things to do with Jacob Black.

For the next two weeks I went through my life as if nothing had happened. Eventually I forced myself to get over my sudden aversion to Edward's cold body and tried to make love to him. It didn't work very well, and I knew that Edward felt that I had changed, but he didn't say anything. He watched me and suffered alongside me in silence.

The only joy I had was working on my final assignment. At the end of my first week back home I turned it in with a sense of pride and accomplishment. Of course Professor Larsen went through it eagerly over that weekend and first thing Monday morning when I arrived at his office he met me with a bright smile, giving me two thumbs up.

I decided in the end not to put in my application for the job in Seattle. Instead I contacted Renee and asked if she would be opposed to me coming to spend some time with her after graduation. She sent me a huge e-mail firing all kinds of questions at me, which I graciously avoided, explaining I would explain everything when I came to see her.

Jacob didn't send any more messages. And I was a firm believer that Leah had just wanted to hurt me, her own payback I guessed. And of course she had succeeded. It hurt like hell. But I wasn't going to let it break me down. As far as I was concerned I had come too far to let anything ruin my good mood. Generally I was happy.

Apart from the upcoming divorce I would have to request from Edward. There was just no way I would continue hurting us both in this way. He was my first love, and that would always mean something. I knew he wouldn't fight it. It was after all what he had been trying to tell me all along. It had just taken me a few years to grow up enough to see it from his point of view.

But I wouldn't run away from them. I don't think I could go on living my life and never see them again. They meant too much to me. They had done too much for me. I loved them all with my whole heart, no exceptions. Even Rosalie.

The last week was very slow. There weren't any classes. Basically it was just about tying up loose ends and spending time with the people you had gotten to know. Sending out applications to further studies or to workplaces. I did neither of those things. Instead I hid in the library, reading old literature. Thursday afternoon, after I had closed my book and returned it to its shelf I took one last look around and walked out.

"Have a good summer Mrs Cullen." the wiry woman behind the counter said, smiling stiffly at me. I offered the same in return then walked out.

On my way to my car I thought I heard someone calling out my name, but decided on that I was imagining things.

"Bella! Wait up!" a vaguely familiar voice shouted.

I turned and scanned the street. It was quite busy. But then I spotted him. He was jogging toward me, in black sweats and a white tee hugging his lean torso.

"Jon!" I called out, surprised at how pleasantly surprised I was.

He came to a stop in front of me, slightly out of breath, his hair ruffled.

"Hey." he breathed, letting out a throaty laugh when he noticed my straying gaze.

I blushed and averted my eyes, putting the breaks on my shameless ogling.

"Fancy running into you again." he continued cheerfully. "How was the wedding?"

For a moment I was lost, not understanding what he was talking about, until I realized he had been sitting right there in front of me in the Cafe the day my dad had called and invited me.

"It was a complete disaster, Bella-style." I gestured theatrically.

He smirked, "Aw come on. Can't have been that bad." he insisted.

"Trust me, it was _that _bad."

"Did you get time, in the middle of the disaster, to see Jake?"

I winced at the mention of his name.

"Ah," he concluded that I had answered his question with my display of pain. "Too bad. Hey listen, we are having a pre-graduation bash, sort of, tonight at a friend's place. It's his parents summerhouse, and if you want you can come. Bring along that Edward of yours too, and anyone else. This is gonna be epic!" he threw his hands up, sweeping his arms wider for added effect. I couldn't stop from laughing at him.

But then I frowned, "I doubt Edward would want to. But," a plan formed in my head and I gave him a mischievous grin. "I could come alone. After my dad's wedding I have been dying to just, do something completely different. But I've got to warn you," I leaned in, and he did too as if on cue, "I am a disaster-magnet, so hide all the breakable valuables." I whispered conspiratorially.

He scoffed, "Your bad luck might be changing. I doubt you could be worse than me." he flashed me a brilliant, toothy grin.

There it was again. Something about him reminded me of how it used to be, being around Jacob. Somehow he just managed to make all tension roll off me, and his smile was infectious.

"All right. You're on. Be prepared to lose, buddy." I replied, offering him the most wicked smile I could muster.

His eyes widened and I didn't think it was possible but his smile lit up his whole face.

"Nice!" he yipped, "I love a challenge."

He wrote down the address on a piece of paper, using my back for support.

"So, I'll be there from about—" he fished his cell out his pocket, his eyes widening as he looked at it, "Aw shit, listen, I gotta run. I was supposed to be there like an hour ago."

"Slacking off?" I teased.

He just gave me an easy smile, "Your fault Bella, I was waiting for you to come out of that crypt." he jerked his thumb toward the library. I responded by blushing.

"Busted."

"Sure am! But, I will see you later. If your husband decides to come, he's more than welcome."

Then he turned to jog off in the same direction he'd come from, stopping to stick his keys into the door of a shiny, red vintage car. I wouldn't have known the first thing about the model, but it looked like it was his pride and joy.

Men. I rolled my eyes at him as he threw the car into a spin, taking off in the opposite direction it had been parked.

When I came home Edward was waiting for me, sitting down at our dining-table. His face set in stone, his expression dark and brooding. He had his hands flat against the tabletop, a letter in front of him. As I came closer I saw an envelope addressed to him, opened with a letter-opener, glinting at me as the light from our chandelier threw it's reflections across the sleek surface.

"Edward?" I asked quietly.

"I got a letter," he began, his voice strained. But I could tell there was a shadow beneath it, wanting to break through his immense self control.

I raised an eyebrow, looking at the letter. "Well, I can see that much," I said sarcastically, gesturing toward the piece of paper.

"From a Mr J. Black." he finished icily, his voice was dripping with contained fury.

"Let me see!" I gasped, my hand reaching to snatch it up. But Edward's hands flashed, locking around my wrist.

"I believe it was addressed to me." he replied. His voice, his whole demeanor still an epitome of calm.

"Edward," I whispered, acid trickling through my veins, "What's wrong?"

"Maybe," he deliberated, pain flashing in his eyes, "I should be the one asking _you_ that." he finished in a low, agonized mumble. It wasn't like him to be so—so defeated. At least I hadn't seen misery in his face of this magnitude since that awful day in Volterra. I shuddered at the memory.

Then suddenly I knew that this could only be about one thing. But why? Why would Jacob do that? Unless he wanted to hurt me—which I deserved. But no! This was unbelievably cruel, could he really have sent a letter to Edward telling him about our short, heated rendezvous in his garage?

I didn't want to believe it. That he would be so cold, so—damn him!

Anger flared up inside me with a vengeance and I wrenched my hand out of Edward's cold grasp.

"This is so typical of Jacob. I can't believe him," I raged, "The nerve of him!"

I didn't have to say anything else, Edward didn't have to ask. My sudden onslaught of fury spoke volumes and Edward covered his face in his hands as I confirmed what was in the letter.

Suddenly remorse cut through me, the poisonous guilt tore at me.

"Oh Edward, I'm so so-"

I was cut off by the look on his face as he looked up at me. He wore the saddest smile, his eyes so full of emotion that I trembled, completely at mercy of the display I saw in his deep, liquid golden eyes. I don't think I could possibly have understood how deeply this had cut him. He had been the firm believer in marriage. He was from another time when marriage was still something sacred. And me? Well, I had just agreed to it so I could have his body, immortality, making him promise to take my soul away against all his beliefs—oh my God I was a monster!

I deserved to be—I nearly growled at myself.

Suck it up and wear it like the adult you should be.

His soft voice brought me out of my wallowing, "It's strange that even if this hurt, I cannot find it in me to be angry with you. I can't even be upset. I knew this would happen all along. Maybe not with Jacob, that part I thought you could have done better, but still." I winced at that, but he continued without pause, "You are human, after all love, in all your glory you _are_ a human. I hope that in that silent mind of yours you have come to see what I have been trying to tell you for years."

My mouth hung open, and I just stared at him.

I felt my toes curl, this was so typical Edward. Just like when Jacob had forced me to ask him to kiss me. He couldn't hate me, he couldn't be angry, he refused to give me the purging I deserved. He still, to this day refused to deliver me and cleanse me. Instead he sat there in his disgusting aura of martyrdom! God!

"Ugh!" was the only thing I settled for as I spun around, stomping—yes, stomping—out of our apartment, slamming the door behind me. The elevator was on the bottom level so I headed for the stairs instead, while rummaging through my purse.

Within a few seconds I had my cell pressed to my ear, my hand trembling as I waited for my call to be answered. I didn't expect him to answer, but the familiar, husky voice on the other side of the line made my breath catch in my throat.

"What do you want?" his voice was as cold as I remembered.

That was all the fuel I needed.

"How dare you!" I hissed. My whole body was trembling now and for a split second I wondered if this is what it felt like just before he phased. Because I felt the rage inside were only moments away from consuming me.

"I guess you didn't tell him after all, oh well, he deserved to know." his voice was sarcastic, mocking me.

"Since when did you care about Edward?" I spat vehemently.

"I don't." came his casual reply.

Tears were stinging my eyes now as I shoved the door open, launching myself across the courtyard toward my Guardian.

"Are you running, you're breathing kinda heavily?" he sounded like he was smiling—was he laughing at me?

"God! I _hate_ you!"

Now he laughed. A deep, throaty sound.

"Ugh!"

"Now, honey, don't be mad. I did you a favor, really, think about it. Now you will be free to explore your sexuality to your little heart's content."

I stopped short, key in hand, my arm suspended mid-air, aimed in the direction of my car.

What? Exploring my sexuality? What the hell was that supposed to mean? I didn't want to explore my sexuality. Oh—oh!

"Is that what you thought I was doing with you!" I yelled, the realization of it all falling into place. The smug bastard!

"You're bored, honey. Why don't you just admit it to yourself." he said it softly, like he was trying to get me to admit to something, telling me it was okay. If I heard _one more time_that I was _only human_ I knew I would lose it.

"Now you listen to me, Jacob Black-"

His low chuckle cut me off, and I felt like steam was seeping out through my ears.

"If you for one moment believe you are _that_ good that I would travel across the country to explore my sexuality with you, then you are sorely mistaken. If, and only _if_ I were to engage in such behavior there are plenty of attractive men _right here_. So wipe that smirk off your face and get over yourself!" I shouted, my voice cracking from the pressure.

"Really?" his voice was disbelieving. "I've gotta hear this one—so tell me then, what _were_your intentions with those teasing lines you sent me two weeks ago?"

My mouth snapped shut.

What were my intentions?

"Thought so." he replied, his suspicions confirmed by my hesitation.

"No, wait, you've got it all wrong, I-"

"Bella. The sooner you stop lying to yourself, the sooner you can get on with your life. See this as my graduation gift to you." then the line went dead.

I stood there, frozen. For a moment I couldn't capture any thoughts that whirled through my mind. I was completely locked down, my insides in total chaos.

Then I screamed; I stomped my foot like the spoiled brat I was and screamed.

In the back of my mind I was saying silent prayers that I would be moving soon, I don't think I could avoid my neighbors for very long after this.

"Bella," came Edwards soft voice from behind me. "Come back inside, love."

His endearment stung me, made me recoil, feeling dirty, thwarted. I shook my head but his cool hand ran down my wrist, taking my hand. I flinched, but I didn't pull away.

"When will you realize the games he's playing with you and stop feeding them?"

He turned me so I would face him, but I couldn't look into his eyes.

"Let's go back inside." he pleaded.

I let him guide me back inside, into the elevator.

Back inside the apartment I stared at everything as he walked me over to the sofa, sitting me down. Suddenly wondering where I was or who I was.

"I'll make you some coffee, just relax."

"Why are you being so nice to me?" I whispered.

"Because I love you," he replied, as if this was all the reason he needed.

I sighed, not having it in me to argue with him.

A few minutes later I felt him sit down next to me, and then I felt the hot cup against my hands as he folded them around it with his.

"Now," he began, not letting go of my hands until he felt me gripping the cup. "Let me make this easy for you Bella. Because honestly I don't see how this can go on any longer without hurting you." he sounded so sad, but at the same time his voice was clear and calm, confident.

"Before you say anything, Edward." I set the cup down and turned to him, forcing myself to look him in the eye. "I just want you to know that I had no intentions of doing what I did. Jake just has this way of getting under my skin, so if _he_ hadn't _attacked me_ first, I wouldn't have touched him, I promise."

He chuckled, "I know that." he said reassuringly.

"All right. I hope so."

He looked at me for a long moment, before sighing. "I know you haven't been happy lately," he began, his voice even, "And I know you have withdrawn from me. I need you to know that I understand. This has been my secret wish all this time, that you would finally see what I am, and that you want something more than this," he gestured to his body.

I began to protest, tears stinging my eyes, but he stopped me, his eyes pleading.

"Let me finish. I know that you firmly believe I have a soul, and that there is redemption for me. But Bella, love, _you_ are my redemption. As much as I love you, and as much as I want you I still wish you would see the beauty of life, and choose _it_, instead of _me_."

"Edward," I choked out.

"Yes, I think you are finally seeing what I wanted you to see all those years ago when I first met you. And please, don't spare me, I think you know I can take it."

God, what was he saying? Was he asking me to tell him goodbye, right now? I couldn't, I wouldn't do that. Not now. I still wanted him in my life, I wanted all of them in my life.

"No. If you think I am going to say goodbye, then think again. Maybe," I sucked in a deep breath, trying to steady my voice. "Just, maybe I have come to realize that I want things that you cannot give me, but I am telling you now Edward; I _refuse_ to give you up. I can't_not_ have you in my life. Please, don't make me say it. I love you, so please-"

I couldn't speak, instead I collapsed against his stony chest and cried. He chuckled, but it wasn't to mock me or to belittle me, it was as if he was happy I was finally seeing what he was seeing. Like he saw that the battle for my life was finally paying off. He had fought just as hard as Jacob I realized now. But unlike Jacob he had given in to me too much, because it had hurt him to argue with me. Maybe because he knew that there was no point arguing with moody, hormonal teenager. Jacob on the other hand hadn't known this, he was aggressive, he was an ass. But God I loved him all the same. I loved both of them.

I started laughing.

"What is so funny?" he asked, curious.

"I love you both." I whispered through my tears and my laughter.

"Oh—I knew that too."

In the end it had come down to this; to the conclusion that after all this time I realized I loved them both, but instead as my belief was as a teenager, I now saw that it was Jacob I loved more, and Edward was my friend. However impossible it would be to convince Jacob of that, I was at least happy that I had Edward.

"You are better to talk to sometimes than Jacob. At least you don't try and force me into doing something I am not ready to do."

He laughed, his chest shaking, "Jacob is a young man, Bella, I wouldn't expect too much of him. He is like you, ruled by his broken heart and his hormones."

I slapped his chest, "That was mean. I am nothing like Jake." I pouted.

But he was right. We were pretty alike. Apart from the fact that I would never have betrayed him the way he had just betrayed me.

"God, I am so sorry for not telling you Edward, I feel rotten!"

"Now, now, let's not dwell on it. What's done is done. I just wished you hadn't given in to him, you should try to spend time with humans, love, they are nice, trust me."

I looked up at him and he winked at me.

"Alice called me and told me she saw you going to some party, someone you have met while studying at the library?"

Oh God. My face grew hot.

"I think you should go. I will come with you if you want me to, but I think you should go alone. I don't think I am quite ready for watching other men flirting with you." he smiled crookedly, making my heart melt.

I started to protest, "Edward! I wouldn't-"

"Shh." he placed a cool finger over my lips, leaning forward to press his lips against my forehead. I sighed as his breath washed over my face.

"Just go, try to have fun," then his face softened, his eyes were suddenly a liquid butterscotch, burning me, stealing my breath away, making me forget who I was. "For me?" he whispered finally.

Blinking at him dumbly I felt myself nod, "Okay." I choked out.

Even if I didn't understand everything that had just happened, or maybe I didn't want to understand it all just yet, I found myself loosening up as I went through my wardrobe, trying to find something appropriate to wear.

I believed I was the only married woman in the world who was told, by her husband, to go out and enjoy herself at a party full of men who would show interest. But, Edward knew me, and I knew me. I wasn't that woman who would jump at the first, next best thing.

Jacob didn't know this though. He thought I wanted to explore my sexuality, when in fact, I just wanted to explore _him_. My heart skipped a beat at that, but I shook it off. I was not going to let Jacob get to me this evening. I was going to follow Edward's advice and enjoy myself.

Jon was someone I could enjoy myself with, without being reminded of all the mistakes I'd made in my life. He had no connection to my past. The only thing he was, was a human man, enjoying the company of a human woman, without any added complications of Good vs. Evil.

I would have fun, and I would show Jacob how very wrong he was.

Retribution was just around the corner, and it would taste damn good when I wiped the smirk off his self righteous face with it.


	7. For Your Entertainment

_So hot  
Out the box  
Can we pick up the pace?  
Turn it up,  
Heat it up  
I need to be entertained  
Push the limit  
Are you with it?  
Baby, don't be afraid  
I'ma hurt 'ya real good, baby_

_By  
Adam Lambert_

**~* For Your Entertainment *~**

_**Bella...**_

After having spent one hour–yes, one whole hour getting myself ready; getting dressed, changing my mind because I felt stupid, rummaging through my wardrobe yet again for a different setup, applying light makeup, and having another cup of coffee, I was finally ready.

Edward laughed at me when in my nervous frustration I poked the mascara brush into my eye; I guess I wasn't very skilled with it yet. I could still count on my ten fingertips the amount of times I had worn mascara in the past four years.

"I don't know why you ever bother, love, you really do not need it." he smiled at me while watching my intense concentration from the doorway.

I rolled my eyes at him, "You don't understand. I am trying to do this whole 'being human'-part. You should be happy."

"I am, but I still think you look beautiful just the way you are."

I scoffed, "You are biased."

"Maybe so." he said softly.

"There." I said, finally feeling I accomplished at least something.

Then I turned a couple of times, analyzing my dark denim jeans and white blouse. Alice would be proud that I decided to dress it up with this flimsy piece of material excused for a blouse. In the end it didn't really matter, but somehow I felt that since I would be spending time with College graduates it was the polite thing to do to try and blend in, somewhat at least. I don't think I would ever be able to blend in fully. It was something I had to accept. I was different, and no amount of years spent on this earth would make me think that I wasn't.

Could have had something to do with having vampires for friends. I was sure that had screwed up my total for the end score; normal or not?

I sauntered out of the bathroom, picking up my purse, snatching my keys from the counter and giving Edward a peck on the cheek.

"I expect you to come running at the drop of a hat if I feel I need saving." I told him, making sure he understood I was serious.

He chuckled and wrapped his arms around me, kissing my cheek softly. "You won't need my help, I promise."

"We shall see." I replied ominously.

"Have fun, Bella."

I gave him a brave smile then slipped my feet into my sandals and headed out the door.

When I got to the car I had the sudden urge to send Jake a message.

Oh what the hell, why not?

My fingers worked quickly with the keypad, and a grim smile spread across my lips when I finally hit the send button.

_**I have decided to follow your advice. Thanks!**_

With that I turned the key in the ignition and revved the engine.

A few minutes and turns later I was finally on the right track. The road wound ahead of me, taking me further out into the countryside. Then I heard my phone beeping, I nearly screamed. Why had I turned the sound back on? Well, it would have to wait until I got there, because I didn't trust my co-ordination to maneuver both a car and a cellphone at the same time.

After about thirty minutes I saw a long driveway, a large house at the end of it, and—oh holy crap! There were masses of cars there! I suddenly cringed back in my seat and looked at the time on my dashboard.

_07:42 pm_

That meant there would be more incoming. What had I gotten myself into? And the only person I knew here was Jon. Suddenly my phone beeped again, scaring the living daylights out of me.

"Shut up already, danger-magnet coming through." I muttered to the phone and to the road I turned into. I wanted so badly to turn around and go back home, but I couldn't. I had come this far, plus I was going to make Jake sweat a bit. If he wanted to be an ass then I would be one right back.

"Here we go." I said out loud, as if talking to myself would steady my nerves.

Then I spotted Jon's car and instantly I felt better. Now the only problem was to find him, but first; I picked up my cell and checked the messages.

_Message one:_

_**What advice?**_

_Message two:_

_**What advice!**_

The biggest grin broke out on my face and I dangled my cell over my purse, "Let's see how you like it," I purred, and with that I dropped the phone into my purse, not bothering to answer.

With a deep breath I forced myself to relax, then pushed to door open, sliding out of the car. I took a look around while closing it.

Brilliant!

Many heads had turned, and they were ogling me—no, correction; they were ogling my car. I glared at it.

"Remind me to kill Edward when I get home, 'kay?" I whispered to it under my breath.

With that I pressed the key, locking it up.

Phew, here goes nothing.

I started walking in the direction of the backyard where I saw the gate being left wide open. I wasn't going to set a foot inside the house unless I had to, or well, only when I had to use the bathroom, getting in touch with nature was not on the agenda tonight.

A group of four walked up to me, their eyes running between me and my car. I groaned inwardly.

"Hey, is that a Guardian?" said one of the guys, his voice full of awe.

Ugh.

The ringing of my cellphone was suddenly a blessing. Although I had a pretty good idea who it would be.

"Uh—excuse me." I said, holding my finger up. Pushing the button to answer I turned my back to the group that stood there. Like well trained dog's, hanging on my every word they waited.

Huh.

"Hello?" I feigned total oblivion as to who the caller was.

"Why don't you answer my messages?" his voice was slow and purposeful, he nearly growled at me.

One of the guys in the group had walked up to my car and was trying to peek through the tinted windows.

"Hey, if you scratch it you pay for it!" I called out in warning.

"Bella." now he _did_ growl, his voice rough.

"Jake? Is that you?"

All I got for a reply this time was a curse and another growl. Nice Jake, very mature. Not that I was playing the fairest game, but if he could, so could I.

"I take that as a yes, I don't know many people who can growl." I said flippantly.

"Don't play with fire if you can't handle the consequences." he said, his voice deep and husky, causing my heart to pick up its pace.

No—this is _your_ game now, don't let him have that one.

"I could say the same for you, but you cashed in your chips too early buddy, you should have held out just a _little_ bit longer. Then maybe you would know what you are talking about."

The string of curses that followed made me wince inwardly, where had he picked it all up? But I forced myself to smile, knowing he would pick up on it if I frowned.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a party to attend. Goodnight bub." I removed the phone from my ear, flipping it closed.

My heart was pounding in my chest and I felt my blood surging through my veins. Wow. If I had known you could get an adrenaline rush out of participating in Jake's games I would have refrained from jumping off a cliff. Maybe I wouldn't have been in this predicament to start with?

I turned to the guys who were staring at me now, wait—what? Why were they staring at_me_ now, instead of the car?

I blushed.

Great one Bella.

"Uh—yeah, it's a Guardian. Excuse me." I mumbled then walked around them, heading for the wooden gate. More of an arch I saw now, Ivy climbing and twirling along its breadth.

Once inside I kept an eye out for Jon as I weaved through the groups of people, the music becoming louder the further into the yard I got. Only now did it hit me what a massive place this was. The house was an old colonial, but it couldn't have been an original, it was probably designed, I saw some other elements in it that I didn't recognize. Private design? Not too unlike the Cullen's place. But also very different at the same time.

Keep your feet to yourself, don't trip and break something.

Hopefully my bad luck was over and done with. I had been back for long enough, nothing major had happened. Besides Jake's letter to Edward, but that wasn't really my doing, not directly anyhow.

"Bella!" Jon's familiar voice called out.

I started looking around, searching the crowd. Why did there have to be so many people here?

I felt a laugh bubble up my throat, "Where are you? I can't see!" I shouted, feeling excited now as I realized I wouldn't be completely alone here after all.

Then I saw him. His dark hair was even messier than earlier, but at least he wasn't wearing sweats. Slung low on his hips were a pair of stonewashed jeans; off his lean yet toned shoulders hung a light gray shirt, sleeves rolled up to the elbow, unbuttoned, showing off his toned chest. He looked wet.

My mouth went dry.

My eyes quickly traveled up his chest so I could think clearly, and when I got to his face I saw him smirking at me, and I also realized why his hair was so messy. He must have just gotten out of the swimming pool I now spied behind him.

"Well, look what the cat dragged in," he teased as he came up to me.

"Thanks, I'd say the same for you, but I don't want to seem like I'm flirting." I replied flippantly.

"Ouch." he clutched his chest dramatically.

I rolled my eyes at him, "You could have warned me about this." I said under my breath, gesturing around us.

"And ruin the surprise? Nah, I somehow took you for the kinda gal who wouldn't show up if you knew the magnitude of this party. But I did hint it, if I recall I used the term 'epic'." he grinned, then he took me by the elbow. "Now, let me introduce you to my roommate."

"The loud one?" I asked, my eyes widening.

"Yep, the loud one." he laughed easily.

He steered me through the crowd while I tried to look nowhere in particular. It didn't escape me though that a lot of these people knew Jon, because they were giving me curious looks. I had the sudden urge to turn around and make a run for it. He must have felt my hesitation because his hand squeezed my elbow.

"Don't worry, as long as you stick with me you're protected. I won't throw you to the wolves, I promise."

My mouth popped open, and I blinked at him dumbly for a few seconds.

It made him laugh, "Relax Bella. You're doing great."

If he only knew how I related to that term these days.

Then my cell beeped at me angrily. I fished it up as I followed Jon's lead.

_**I don't know what you did, but I'mimpressed.  
You've got his panties in a twist!**_

Leah. Trust her to have a way with words.

"What's the joke?" Jon asked, looking at me curiously.

"Um, if I told you I'd have to kill you." I replied happily.

I wasn't sure what she meant by her whole panty-analogy, but it sounded like a good thing. I was actually feeling rather proud of myself.

Then we stopped, and I came face to chest with a huge, bulky man with a dirty blonde beard and ponytail, and a mean collection of tattoos down his arms. His eyes were like steel but very friendly. I instantly liked him. Even if he was slightly intimidating. But, what did I have to fear? I hung out with vampires, didn't I?

"This is Brett, and that short little blonde over there by the refreshment table, the one guzzling punch is his girlfriend, Jeanie."

"Hey." Brett said, his voice as impressive has his height. He held out his hand and I shook it, my hand disappearing in his. I half expected him to have burning skin like Jake, because the sheer bulk of him was something I had only witnessed in La Push, well, this guy could actually break the mold.

"Nice to meet you." I said, my voice not as strong as I'd hoped for it to be. Great, now they would think I was a wimp.

Then Jon started pulling me toward the refreshment table.

"Hey, Jeanie, get Bella here something nice to drink. I need to go check on something," then he turned to me, "Promised I wouldn't throw you to the wolves, but I'll be back before you get a chance to miss me." he winked at me then disappeared.

"So, Bella. I heard you're from Forks. I had to look it up because I had like _no_ idea where that was. Now I know why. Dang girl, you sure got out at the right time, didn't ya?" her voice was raspy and husky, like she had been smoking too much, but other than that she had an easy smile and I didn't feel too put off by her introduction, even though the meaning of it was lost on me.

When she saw my confused expression she added, "Hey, I'm from Confluence myself so, I know what it's like."

"What?" I asked, blinking.

"_Exactly_ my point." she quipped, happy I was catching on, even if I wasn't.

"Ah." I offered, not really knowing what I was supposed to say.

With a wink she handed me a mug containing a pink, sweet-smelling liquid.

"Bottom's up, babe."

I started to protest, "I don't really-"

She cut me off, "Hey, Miss Forks, you're in the real world now, loosen up." her voice made her extremely likeable, and her casual jargon made me relax.

Well, here goes. I took a small sip. I could definitely taste the alcohol, and it burned down my throat. But the aftertaste wasn't too bad. I thought if I drank it slowly though I could get away with tolerating it. I gave her a triumphant smile and she held her own mug out to me.

"Here's to graduation, knock 'em dead." and with that she emptied the contents in one swig.

I stared at her dumbly.

"Don't worry, I don't expect you to do the same, gotta pop the cherry first." then she turned to for a refill.

My limbs didn't unlock, I just kept staring. Like I had just seen monkey's at the Zoo for the first time.

"Hey, I'm gonna go have a smoke, wanna join?"

Ah, so she _did_ smoke.

"No thanks." I replied firmly.

"Jon will find you, don't worry." she winked at me again then she took off, her mouth going a hundred miles an hour as she bumped into people.

Even long after she had disappeared did I feel like I had entered some strange reality show where they did experiments on people from small towns. I bet whoever was watching me got a real good laugh.

My cell beeped again. Jeez, I was getting popular.

_**Are you gonna answer me yet?**_

Now I was blinking at Jake's message too, having completely forgotten what I had sent him in the first place. So I checked through my 'sent messages' folder. Oh, I was going to take his advice.

Nope. Still leaving him hanging.

I put my cell away and started weaving through the groups, trying hard not to spill my drink. I took especially great care when walking past people with white clothes. The music was blaring and I felt slightly uneasy by the constant _boom-boom_ ringing in my ears. But I continued, trying to find a place to sit. That's when I ran into Jon. Instantly my face lit up and I felt better.

"Hey, so much for not feeding me to the wolves." I accused, pouting.

"Sorry, I told ya I wouldn't be long though. I'm glad to see you're still alive. You're made out of the good stuff if you survived Jeanie." he said, his eyes roaming me as if to make sure I hadn't sustained any injuries.

"She's from Confluence." I nodded meaningfully, taking a sip from my drink, grimacing as it slithered down my throat.

"Huh?" he blinked at me.

"Don't ask me, that's what she told me. Just passing on the message."

"Well, I always knew she was strange so." he shrugged.

I felt better that this name seemed to cause the same confusion on him as the one I'd felt.

"So, where did you go?"

He gave me a wicked grin, "Now, if I told ya, I'd have to kill ya."

"Ha. Touche."

Then, yet again for the fifty-eleventh time my phone beeped.

"God!" I exclaimed, exasperated.

"Husband getting jealous?" he smirked.

"No, childhood sweetheart getting close to having a coronary because I refuse to answer him." I explained flatly.

"Ah, you got his number! Do I sense a bit of triangle-drama on the horizon?"

"Ha. He wishes." I replied sarcastically.

"Ouch. I'll make a note of never getting on your bad side."

I flipped the phone open again. Then I froze.

_**Do you want me to crash your party?**_

What did he mean by that? Surely he couldn't run across the country _that_ fast, could he? No, that would be impossible.

Quickly I typed out a message to Leah.

_**Are you guys fast enough to cross the country in a few hours?**_

I flipped the phone closed and chewed my lip nervously.

I jumped when I felt Jon's hand on my arm.

"Hey, are you okay?" his brows furrowed.

"Yeah. He's just being a smart-ass."

Then my phone beeped. I nearly dropped it as I fumbled to get it open.

_**Ha ha. No. You're damn good, making  
him sweat like that.**_

Well, lovely that I managed to entertain Leah.

"You know, a good way of dealing with these things," he paused, then he snatched the phone from me, shoving it into his pocket. "If you want it back you better come and get it."

I gaped at him, "Hey!"

"Let him sweat. He's an idiot, you know how I know?" he had an easy smile on his face as I blinked at him. I couldn't believe he had just taken my cellphone.

"I don't think it's too hard to figure out, after what I've told you." I offered, slightly put off that he'd snatched my phone from me, but that was wiped instantly the moment he stepped closer, too close.

"If he was smart he'd be here," he pointed to where he was standing, "In my shoes."

Holy shit. He was going to make a move.

But he didn't move, he didn't retreat either however. He kept looking at me though, his golden brown eyes studying me.

"I see what the fuss is all about," he smirked, but still he didn't back off.

"Jon," I said, my voice cracking as I tried to collect my nerves and everything else.

I had no idea what his intentions were. All I knew was that the way he was looking at me caused my body to tingle with anticipation. In a way I _wanted_ him to make a move. Suddenly I found myself wondering what it would be like to kiss a normal guy. Not that Jon was normal, but he wasn't a wolf, and he wasn't a vampire. So in that sense he was _very_normal.

It seemed he was gauging my reaction. I wasn't used to this. Either it was hot, like Jake, basically forcing himself on me. Or there was cold, like Edward, not even trying to make a move. Well, in the beginning of our relationship he didn't. But this guy, Jon, just stood there. He had made half a move, and now he was just observing my reactions.

"I've gotta give it to you, there sure as hell is something special about you. Either you should have ducked away, or thrown yourself at me by now. That's the two reactions I'm used to." his voice had dropped, and it had this warm, deep undertone to it.

Suddenly I started feeling a bit braver, getting the feeling that he wouldn't attack me like Jake usually would.

"You're not acting accordingly either." I pointed out. My heart was fluttering wildly in my chest. It just dawned on me too that he most likely couldn't tell.

"No," he breathed, "Because I'm fascinated."

"You're direct." I smirked, and it was true. He seemed to say whatever came into mind, a quality Jake used to have, I noted, a twinge of pain attacking me.

"Yeah, I'm quite well known for that," he winked, but then he continued, his voice changing slightly, "Which is why it doesn't bother me to tell you that I would like to kiss you, but I'm not going to without your permission, which is not really my style. But, there you go."

I swallowed. Maybe I should do it? My pulse picked up its pace the moment I considered it, and I started wondering what his lips would feel like against mine. The curiosity was almost too powerful to resist.

My phone beeped. But I was transfixed now. Debating what I would like to happen.

"Bella," his husky voice was almost trembling, "I want to give you fair warning, that I'm just a guy, and your obvious inability to realize what you're doin' to me is presenting me with a difficult predicament," he paused, and his words registered, I understood what he was talking about, I wasn't so naive anymore. Then he continued, a half-smile curving one corner of his mouth, making that dimple appear. "At the risk of being an ass; your naivete is sexy."

Then my phone started ringing.

I was still completely undecided.

"Mind if I turn this thing off?" he asked, and I looked down as he held the phone out to me.

This is what it was all about wasn't it? Being alive, being human. Take risks, make mistakes. So I really had only one option. I took the phone from him, and for a moment I saw the disappointment register on his face.

I flipped the phone open, then closed it again.

Then his hands were on me, pulling me into him as he lowered his lips to mine. I closed my eyes and waited, feeling his hands moving in unfamiliar ways, circling my waist, pressing against the small of my back, gently, softly, so sweetly. Unlike anything I had experienced before.

"This is where you touch me back," he whispered against my lips. I felt him smile.

So I lifted my hands, one still gripping my cell tightly, as if it was my lifeline. The other one hanging onto my drink. Then I wrapped my arms around his neck, pressing myself lightly against him. He was warm, just so warm. Not hot, not cold, not hard and not enveloping, just—nice.

My hand started vibrating as my phone began ringing again.

"I really want to break your phone," he said, chuckling.

"Please don't. I won't be able to afford a new one after my divorce."

What? Did I just say that?

I sure did, and it was the end of it. Jon let out a small groan and loosened his hold on me, but rested his forehead against mine. I opened my eyes, gazing into his eyes. I could see the frustration there, but also humor and curiosity.

"You are the most interesting woman I have ever met." he admitted, his eyes still holding mine. "But, I think you should answer your phone. Because I've got a feeling that if you don't the poor guy on the other end will sell his soul to find out what you're up to."

I knew he wouldn't, but I couldn't help laughing.

Still in Jon's arms I flipped the phone open though, and put it to my ear.

"Yes?"

The line was dead.

"Ugh." now I had to squirm out of his embrace so I could check the message. "Give me a moment."

He shrugged but smiled.

_**If you don't pick up when I call I will  
come to you and make you do it!  
Last chance Bells.**_

I felt the blood drain out of my face. Quickly I went through the missed calls. One from Jake, and one from Alice—oh God!

"I've gotta make a call, this has gotten out of hand. I'm so sorry." I turned from him, giving him an apologetic smile before making my way through the crowd, still holding onto the damn drink. As I came to the arch I set the drink down in the grass, continuing toward my car, fumbling around for my keys. I pressed the key to unlock and jerked the door open. That's when my phone rang again. I answered after the first signal was even finished.

"Alice!"

"Bella! What is going on, I can't see what happens at graduation tomorrow!" she whined. "Please tell me there's no wolf in town."

"Not yet, at least." I said, groaning.

"What?" she snapped.

"I'll sort this out. Just, give me a minute, I'll call you back."

I didn't even wait for her to answer me. I ended the call, then I pulled up Jake's number, pressing the button to dial it.

It rang.

And rang.

No answer.

"Come on Jake, pick up dammit! You can't do this to me!" I said out loud, as if he could hear me from the other side of the country.

I flipped it closed and slid onto my seat, resting my head against the steering wheel.

Then my phone beeped.

Frantically I flipped my phone open.

_**This is where you thank me. He's coming to get you.**_

What? No! Why?

I quickly typed out my response and pressed to send.

_**Why? Why does he care? He acted like he hated me!**_

How was this even possible? Jake would never leave La Push, or well, he had. He was working and going to College. But this was the other side of the country. What would happen if he lost control and had to phase?

_Beep, beep._

_**Don't make me spell it out for you.**_

Was it too much to ask, that for once, people would stop being so damn cryptic and say what they meant?

Now, when I thought back on having decided to play this stupid game with Jake I groaned and banged my head against the steering wheel. Why did this always happen to me?

Because you are stupid, the voice told me. Yeah, so what else is new.

There was still time to stop him, right? I flipped my phone open and dialed Jake's number again.

Ringing.

More ringing.

For the love of all that is holy!

I redialed it as soon as it switched to voice-mail.

Ringing.

I drummed my fingers against the steering wheel impatiently. What was the time anyway? I checked the digits on my dashboard.

_10:19 pm_

I hadn't been here very long. Which meant that not much time had gone since I started playing my game with Jake. Which meant that he must have completely freaked out. I couldn't breathe. Could this really mean that he still loved me? That he had understood what I had meant when I was going to take his advice, and that he didn't want another man touching me. My heart ached at that thought. I didn't want to believe it, but as I sorted through all the pieces of evidence it seemed more and more plausible. Unless—could he be that desperate to come here just to torture me, had he changed that much?

My phone beeped at me again—angrily, I imagined.

_**Still no change. I can smell dog incoming. You better have  
a good explanation for this!**_

Alice. I sighed.

I would try one more time, just one more time.

Once more I dialed Jake's number.

Ringing.

Then the line connected.

"You're too late honey," came the husky voice on the other side. It was soft, gentle. Making my eyes sting and my heart hurt.

"Jake!" I breathed in relief, my voice cracking. "Don't be silly, you can't leave La Push."

"Already did, Bells. I'm doing what I should have done a long time ago."

Oh God he was breaking my heart. I didn't know what he was hoping he would find when he came here. Me and my stupid mouth, I should never have said those things.

"Why, Jake? Explain, because I don't understand. You—I—when I was there you-" my voice choked off and I bit my lip stopping myself from sobbing.

"I'm sorry honey," he said softly, "I was stupid."

I swallowed, trying to clear my throat to speak, "W-where are y-you?"

"On my way to the airport. I'll buy the first ticket I can get my hands on, just tell me one thing," he went quiet, too quiet, like he had covered the mouthpiece. "Tell me you didn't do anything stupid because of what I said," he cursed, "Please, I can't-" more cursing.

"Stop swearing!" I hissed.

"No other man is allowed to touch you Bells, you're mine, dammit. Just—tell me, I'm dying here honey," his voice was so raw, so pained, so thoroughly seductive.

What could I tell him? The truth?

My heart was beating painfully in my chest, my stomach clenching. I felt sick, at the same time as I felt inexplicable joy that he didn't want anyone else to touch me, that he thought I was his. In some way I felt I should be bothered by his possessive outburst, but I couldn't find it in me to be mad; against all things rational I liked it—no, I loved it.

"Bells?" he whispered.

"I nearly kissed someone." I blurted.

It went silent again. Like he had covered the mouthpiece again. I hoped he didn't break something.

"Jake?"

Still nothing. I sighed. Had he broken the phone? I hoped not, I was desperate to hear his voice.

"Please answer me," I begged.

But there came no answer. After several minutes silence I decided to drive home. But first I called Alice and told her that most likely Jake would be showing up at some point tomorrow. Before I started driving I sent a message to Leah.

_**Thank you.**_

I drove home in silence. I hoped for a message, a call, but nothing came. By the time I pulled into my parking spot outside our apartment complex I was ready to burst into tears again. All kinds of things ran through my head. The most comforting thought was that he had broken his phone, as opposed to that he had crashed his car because he wasn't paying attention, or the fear that he had decided to turn back after hearing I had nearly kissed someone.

Why did I have to go to that stupid party?

I knew what Edward would say, and I didn't want to hear it, I was sick and tired of hearing how I was only human and that making mistakes was just part of it, although in Edward's mind he'd rather I made out with a random human man than Jake. I was sure of it.

I wasn't going to let this humanity thing become an excuse to put in front of every doubt I had so I could go ahead and make more mistakes just because I had decided not to join the world of immortals.

My phone rang just as I'd come inside the door. I pulled it out of my pocket and answered without even looking.

"Jake?"

"Bells?" came my dad's concerned voice.

"Oh," I took a deep breath, "Dad, have you heard anything about Jake?"

He scoffed, "I've been talking to Leah for the past hour. She came and told us that Jake had finally grown some balls and was on his way to see you. Not my words Bells," he said when he heard my groan, "Anyway, has he called you—what's going on?"

"Never mind what's going on, I am just worried about him. I was talking to him about forty minutes ago, but then the line went dead. I'm worried something happened to him." I sniffled into the receiver.

Charlie laughed, "That's one thing you don't have to worry about Bells, so don't. But tell me what happened." he urged me. "I bet Edward is not very happy right now." this he said with half-satisfaction, half-concern. But I guessed the concern was more for my benefit.

What should I tell him about Edward? That we had decided to—go our separate ways? It wasn't going to be a secret for very long, and I was tired of lying.

"Dad, you need to sit down." I pleaded.

"Bells?" he said, his voice suddenly strained, but I heard him exhale as he sat down.

"Me and Edward have decided—not to be together anymore." I told him softly, hoping he would stay calm. I knew we hadn't fully come out and said it, but it was just as good as decided. I knew that we wouldn't return to what we had been in the past few years, or that we would even try. I wanted something more out of life—well, I just wanted life.

"Are you sure about this?" my dad's voice was low, serious, hopeful?

"Yes, dad. It's been an long time coming. I've just—I want things that Edward doesn't. It's, complicated, but trust me, for once in my life I really do know what I'm doing."

I couldn't very well say that I wanted things that Edward _couldn't_ give me. Knowing my dad he would think we had started trying for babies already. If he had his way I would wait at least another ten years before I made such a decision.

"All right, Bells. Just as long as you are sure about this-" he cut himself off, the silence being the only thing I heard for a few moments. Then he continued, his tone firm, "Is this why Jake has decided to come see you? Did you tell him?"

I sighed, "No, dad. Jake has no idea."

"All right Bells, you're a grown woman—just promise me you'll go easy on him, there will be no one there to stop him if, you know." he left that one hanging, but we both knew what he meant. Except that there _were_ plenty of help to be gotten here if complications were to arise. Not that I wanted to think about the people I loved, fighting. People, I thought. Well, to me they were people, and that's all that mattered.

"Okay, dad—hey, you are still coming to the party aren't you?"

There was a long pause, then he sighed, "Yeah, yeah. But that's not until Sunday."

"Good. You better. I'll see you Sunday." I warned, feeling the fatigue enveloping me.

"Yep. Good luck tomorrow."

Edward came up to me then, his cool arms wrapping around me. He didn't say anything. I knew that this was difficult for him, and it was as if I could hear his thoughts. The last thing he wanted for me was to be around Jake. He thought he was self-absorbed, obtuse, but most importantly of all; to Edward Jake only played games, and didn't really love me. He had come to terms that I meant a lot to Jake, but for so long it had mostly just been rivalry—wanting something you can't have. That's what Edward believed.

I was unsure too. It wasn't that I doubted that he cared, I knew he cared, or at least he had. But after our last conversation on the phone and the fact that he was most likely on his way to come see me, that made it difficult to suppress the feelings that were now rising to the surface. Ever since he had told me, in no uncertain terms, that I was his and no other man was to touch me it was as if something inside me had ignited. If I was to be completely honest with myself, my whole body was tingling with excitement. I realized that I couldn't wait to see him. This made a fresh wave of guilt wash over me and I shrugged out of Edward's embrace.

"I'm going to have a shower," I told him and walked quietly into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I didn't lock it, because I knew that Edward wouldn't try to join me. It was as if I almost wished that the revelation would cause me pain. How had I changed so quickly? Could it be possible that I had held back for all this time, subconsciously knowing that it would end one day but drawing it out because I didn't want to hurt Edward. Or, because I didn't want to see how I really felt. I suddenly felt exhausted, and there was nothing more tempting than to be able to blank myself out. The unending swirl of thoughts inside my head was giving me a headache.

Edward poked his head in through the door, making me jump when I heard his soft voice.

"Would you like something to eat?"

"Edward!" my hand fluttered to my throat, "How many times do I have to tell you to stop that!" an irrational giggle broke free, but I stared at him, slightly annoyed.

He looked remorseful, "Sorry." then he smiled, "Well?"

"What did you have in mind?" I asked while starting to unbutton my jeans.

"How about I go out and pick up some of that horrible fast-food for you?"

My hands stopped for a moment on my jeans, and I looked at him, "You don't have to do that, I can have a sandwich or something, don't trouble yourself." I didn't need him to make me feel more guilty than I already did. He was being too nice to me. I felt he could at least punish me a little bit. At least he could _try to _be annoyed, or irritated, or angry.

"Don't be ridiculous," he scoffed as if he had read my mind, "What do you want me to get?"

I sighed, giving in, "The usual," I replied in a reluctant grumble.

He closed the door again and I stripped off, stepping into the shower.

As I stood there, the warm water sliding down my body, swirling at my feet before disappearing down the drain I wished it would take the days' events with it. Maybe not the part where me and Edward finally talked about the truth, how I felt. Or perhaps not even the part where Jake decided to leave La Push on an insane mission to come here and stop me from "taking his advice". No. But at least the part where I almost followed through on my threat. I hadn't meant for it to mean anything. It hadn't meant anything.

So I had decided to opt out and stay alive. All well and good, but that didn't mean I had to start acting like a child. Momentarily I felt I had been even more clueless and selfish than I had been as a teenager. I hadn't even had enough to drink to be able to blame it on that!

Well, when in my shoes, alcohol wasn't needed. I managed to make a complete fool out of myself without it. Which is exactly what I had done when rushing off, leaving Jon standing there. I hoped he didn't view me as a nutcase, although I probably was. Whatever.

I tiptoed through our apartment wrapped in my towel, Edward wasn't back yet. I opened my drawer to pull out a pair of sweats when I realized I had completely neglected doing laundry for a few days and my sweats were nowhere to be found. Knowing I was too neat to have misplaced them I decided to go through my drawers anyway. In the end I was so frustrated that I emptied all my drawers on the floor.

I glared at the pile angrily, as if that would help. A familiar pair of lacy thongs caught my eye and I snatched them up. Huh. I thought I had lost them. I remembered Alice had packed some things for me for mine and Edward's honeymoon. I had been mortified the first time I had laid eyes on all the ruffles and lace she had given me, although eventually I had given in. These particular thongs I now held in my hands were the only panties that had survived that trip, simply for the fact that I'd refused to wear a thong. It wouldn't fit me now, my butt was rounder, my hips slightly wider, but I didn't have the heart to throw them away.

I found myself wondering if Jake liked thongs—God! My face felt suddenly very hot and I dropped the thongs as if they had burned me. Perhaps I should leave such thoughts for when the divorce was finalized. My butt wasn't going to go anywhere near Jake until then, let alone in a thong. Was it possible to blush as much as me?

But the seed had been planted, I felt the strangest urge grab me. I wanted to go shopping, and not just any kind of shopping, I wanted to buy lingerie. I felt my eyes widen as the realization settled. Had I finally taken damage from all the shopping trips with Alice? I groaned as I envisioned a very exuberant Alice rubbing her hands together gleefully, no, clapping her hands in pure and utter joy.

_Beep, beep._

Stark naked I shot out of the bedroom to retrieve my cell. I quickly flipped it open, opening the message I had waiting.

_**I knew you would come around! Let's go  
shopping after the ceremony tomorrow.  
It will be our graduation present to ourselves!**_

It didn't take me long to put two and two together. She had seen me sneaking off to go shopping without her. This _always_ happened with Alice. You just couldn't win.

I didn't know if I would be able to go shopping though, most likely Jake would be here by then, and somehow I couldn't see him hanging out with the rest of the family. No, not even in a million years. Not until hell freezes over—okay, not even then.

But somehow I couldn't find the courage to deny Alice. Most likely she would have waited an eternity for this moment to come if I had given her the chance. Tears prickled my eyes, and I quickly typed out my response.

_**I hope you are happy with yourself. I will see you  
tomorrow, we are going in my car. I drive!**_

If I didn't know it wasn't possible I swear I could have heard her squeal in excitement. But of course my hearing wasn't that good. In fact, my hearing was so terrible that I hadn't noticed Edward come back, not until I heard his sharp intake of breath.

Oh God—I was crouched over my purse, not one article of clothing on me.

I cringed, feeling my cheeks heat up.

"Sorry, Alice wants to go shopping," I offered lamely, then I shot up and hurried back to the bedroom to quickly throw on whatever I could find. I ended up in a pair of cotton briefs and a sundress.

My food was sitting in a paper bag on kitchen counter, and Edward was nowhere to be seen when I emerged. What had I done to him? I felt myself blush again as I carefully opened the bag to retrieve a burger and some fries.

"Edward?" I called out quietly while sitting down at the dining table.

The door to the balcony opened and he stepped inside, gracefully seating himself at the table with me, his face stoic.

"I'm sorry," I offered, embarrassed at my reaction to flee from him.

"Don't worry about it." he said stiffly.

I popped a fry into my mouth and chewed it. I could hear every crunch.

"Thank you." I said softly, nodding toward my food.

"You are welcome." he replied, his voice still stiff.

I sighed, "Edward, I-"

He cut me off, "Bella. Please, leave it. I am but a man, as absurd as that may sound."

I shoved another fry into my mouth, to stop myself from talking.

We sat there in silence. Me chewing my food thoughtfully while Edward kept his eyes fixed on an invisible spot in front of him. It wasn't very different from how it usually was. Me eating, him just sitting there. But usually he would watch me. I found that I actually preferred it this way. It's a strange feeling, and quite unnerving when someone watches you while you're eating.

After my midnight meal I went to brush my teeth. I was glad that I hadn't sustained any injuries from trying to bite Edward's lip. It had hurt for a few days, but then it had gone away and I had nearly forgotten about the incident.

It didn't take me long to fall asleep, with a full stomach and add to it all the exhaustion from the day's escapades—I was asleep within minutes of my head hitting the pillow.

When I woke the next morning Edward had already made me coffee and I had a surprise waiting for me in the kitchen as I groggily made my way over to the bathroom.

"Good morning Bella!" came the chirpy thrill of Alice. "I thought I would help you with your makeup." she said. It wasn't a suggestion or even a request for permission.

I groaned, "God Alice, do you think you could avoid talking until I've had my coffee."

She snorted at me and I continued to the bathroom, rolling my eyes in her general direction.

Twenty minutes later, with my coffee cup in my hand I sat down on the edge of the tub, watching Alice as she went through my makeup. There were a lot of frustrated sighs and groans that escaped her during her hunt, until finally she stood back, wielding my foundation and a sponge.

"All right, let's get this party started." she said with a broad grin.

I sighed and eyed my coffee sadly, before getting up and placing it on the counter next to the variety of pencils and brushes spread out there.

"Alice," I warned, "Don't overdo it, please, it's just the graduation ceremony."

She huffed, "You have no idea what you're talking about."

While she attacked my face I sat there wondering why she hadn't said anything yet. I was sure she knew already that I would divorce her brother. But if she was upset she didn't let it show. Maybe she had a hidden agenda for going shopping with me? No, I decided. When it came to Alice and shopping there were no hidden agendas, it was all about fashion and spending money. I peered up at her delicate features. Whatever went on inside that little head of hers she wasn't about to ruin graduation by voicing her opinions about it. I would just have to wait until later.

I thought I would have brain hemorrhage when I finally caught my reflection in the mirror.

"Alice!" I exclaimed.

I saw her angelic face next to mine, her smile soft and innocent as she looked at me.

"You look ravishing!" she squealed.

"I look like. . . ." I couldn't finish. There were no words. She had done my face like I was about to enter the runway. I felt like she had covered my face with a mask, because I couldn't recognize myself. My eyes were smoky, my natural paleness accentuated, finished off with a clear gloss making my lips look like I was in a constant pout.

"God! This is too much for graduation, Alice. It's coming off. Maybe if we were about to go to a dark club with ear grating pounding music—but for crying out loud, this is not me, can't you see that?" I whined and reached for some paper to wipe the sticky gloss off my lips.

"No." she snapped. Her hand flashed out and locked around my wrist. "This is very much you, if there is someone who can't see, then it's you. Just trust me."

Not once in my years at Dartmouth had I worn this much makeup, she knew I didn't like to draw attention to me. _This_ would stop traffic. But I knew that it was pointless fighting with her, so I deliberated.

"All right, but the lip gloss has got to go." I bargained.

I saw her mind working, but finally she nodded and let my hand go. "Suit yourself." she huffed.

"Thank you." I replied, grateful at least some part of my face would be able to breathe.

"Now, I laid something out for you while you were in the shower," she quipped, dancing out of the bathroom. I followed her, dragging my feet. Edward offered me a sympathetic smile and I resisted the urge to poke my tongue out at him.

"This should be interesting," I muttered as I entered the bedroom.

"Tadaa! I know you're in love with jeans, but I am begging you to reconsider." she chirped.

I stepped around her, my eyes falling suspiciously to the clothes spread out on the bed.

"Alice, you didn't." I groaned.

At some point she had gone out and bought me new clothes. Why was it, that sometimes life with the Cullens felt like an extended childhood? Always someone was making choices for me, or telling me how they knew better.

I crossed my arms, raising an eyebrow.

"I do not wear skimpy shorts." I told her flatly. "Also I do not wear leggings." I added coolly. "And I most definitely, not now, not ever will even consider wearing something that has ruffles!" I finished with a growl. Yes, I growled at her.

"Will it get ruined again?" she asked, smirking.

"Ugh!"

"Get over yourself Bella. Let us make a deal. You try this on, and if you do not like it I promise to never force you to wear something against your will again."

"But?" I shot back, knowing there was something else coming.

"But if you do like it, you will wear it to graduation, and—you will finally accept that I know more about fashion than you do, and give me some credit!" she snapped. But she had a winning smile on her face.

Well, I knew that I wouldn't like it, so what was the point in dragging it out.

"Be prepared to find a new hobby Alice, what with all the free time you will have when you won't be able to plan my wardrobe anymore." I said icily as I snatched up the thin, cream-colored leggings, the charcoal-gray shorts that looked like they belonged to Marilyn Monroe, the silk blouse with—groan—ruffles in a dusty royal blue. So, at least now I understood the whole runway makeup-do. Why did she even bother? The amount of money she spent on things I never wore could have been used to feed children in Africa!

I sashayed past a very still Edward, his face stoic—trying to keep a straight face as if trying not to laugh. God, I wanted to slap him!

Once in the bathroom I stripped my robe and started pulling the leggings on. At least they felt comfortable. Huh. Next I pulled on the silky blouse, it glided softly over my skin as I put it on. Irritated that I wasn't feeling uncomfortable yet I buttoned it up roughly, hoping I would "accidentally" rip off a button. Lastly I pulled on the shorts. To my surprise they weren't exactly tight, but good Lord they had a high waist. I wondered for a moment if I was supposed to tuck the blouse in or not. I drew the conclusion it should be tucked in, and so I did. The sleeves to the blouse were almost non existent, exposing a lot of my pale skin. But Alice had been smart, the color worked nicely with my skin. The thought irritated me.

When I finally took in the finished product from the reflection in the mirror I actually gasped.

I looked like—a woman. The waist of the shorts accentuated my narrow waist, and the loose fit defined my rounded hips. The leggings showed off my hard work on the running track. The ruffles on the blouse worked well with my naturally small breasts, even if they had developed since I graduated from high school.

I didn't notice when Alice had come to stand in the doorway. When I looked up at her appraising eyes I sighed. She squealed and nearly attacked me, wrapping her stony arms around me gently.

"I _knew_ you would love it!" she sang.

"I suppose I should be grateful I will be covered in my gown for most of the happening." I muttered.

She tossed a pair of soft brown slippers at my feat. They looked like they could have belonged to someone's grandmother.

"Put them on," she ordered.

I blinked at them dumbly, in awe of what was considered fashion. But I obeyed and did as she said. They were amazingly comfortable.

Alice squealed again. "You are just so vintage-chic!"

"I think I look like a peacock, but, whatever rocks your socks." I glowered at her. Even if I knew that I would never wear something like this ever again I couldn't deny that it worked. In whatever weird, wonderful way, but it did. I guess I had to hand it to her, she knew things that I couldn't even begin to understand.

"A very fashionable, sophisticated peacock." she said and clapped her hands.

Then she took me by the elbow and dragged me out to the kitchen, twirling me in front of Edward. Heat rose into my cheeks as he gazed at me, his face reverent.

"You are breathtaking, love." he said, his voice like crushed velvet and so full of love.

"Wait until Rosalie sees, I think that today you might actually put her to shame, Bella." her sing-song tone was filled with pride. "You really have grown into a beautiful, young woman-" her words choked off.

"Oh Alice," I wrapped my arms around her tiny shoulders.

"Thank _God_ I can't cry or I would ruin my makeup!" she wailed.

She wriggled out of my arms and by some old habit from ages ago her hand fluttered delicately to her cheek, as if the ghost of her past remembered what should have been.

I felt the familiar sting in my eyes but blinked furiously against it, knowing that I was still at the mercy of my tears.

"Don't you dare cry." she snapped, her voice slightly shaky.

"Wouldn't even dream of it." I smirked.

"Well, let's get going. I bet the others are waiting for us." Edward walked up to me, offering me his bent elbow. "May I?"

I snaked my arm through his, "Yes you may." I whispered, and offered him a big smile.

On our way out I snatched up my purse, making sure my cell was there before I let Edward lead me out the door.

Yet another chapter was about to come to an end. At least I didn't have to think about an upcoming wedding, my first endeavors as a wife, or even the daunting prospect of spending a few years crazed with blood lust. Perhaps the future was equally unknown territory now as it had been then. But at least now I had plenty of choices, and the opportunity to change my mind, should the occasion call for it.

Thank God for that.


	8. Hanging By A Moment

_Forgetting all I'm lacking  
Completely incomplete  
I'll take your invitation  
You take all of me now..._

_By  
Lifehouse_

**~* Hanging By A Moment *~**

_**Jacob...**_

My room; I didn't spend much time in here these days. I didn't spend much time in this house period. Let alone La Push. I was trying to deal with it all, sure. It had gotten better. With everything that had passed, all the water under the bridge, I had wanted to think that one day I'd be able to settle down here. Have my own home. My own family. It had been a hard scenario to see that first year after she left. At first I had thought she was one of them. I had tried to go after _him_ but I had been stopped. So much of a freaking mess, and all because of one little insignificant girl.

Bella Swan–no, Bella-freaking-Cullen these days. I slipped up on it many times, I think I just didn't wanna accept it. I was learning though–I _had_ learned.

Some things were harder to get over than others. Most of the time I just didn't feel, which meant I didn't care. That was a good place for me to be in. It was like I had learned to take the good part of being a wolf and transferred it, learning how to be without those agonizing feelings while being me. Jacob Black.

But being me sucked on so many levels, especially now, when I was sitting in my room, a crumpled note in my hand. One that I have tried to tear up, burn, destroy so many times that I've lost count. I'm surprised it even sticks together anymore. Some would be surprised I still have it. But in some ways I keep it, as a reminder of all that I thought I had, all I thought I could get. But I was such an idiot, a fool. Just so fucking stupid. So I kept the note, and every time I got it into my stupid head to try and go after her, contact her; because after all, I was a sucker for Bella—I would get this note out and read it, to remind me of how wrong I was.

Edward-freaking-Cullen. The bane of my existence, the bane of _her_ existence, no wait, she would exist, just wouldn't be alive. Her heart would be still, dead in her chest, just like mine was. I had thought it was, but then she came back. The damn little temptress came back and ripped it all open again.

Again I bleed for her.

My body aches.

And my heart tries to convince me she's worth fighting for. Even my ally, my anchor to stay unfeeling and unyielding to all that is Bella, even _she_ betrayed me. Went behind my back. I still couldn't believe Leah gave my number to Bella. Why did she care? Oh right, she thinks I've got a chance, because obviously her brain doesn't exist in the world where Bella can't see sense.

The message she sent me was like like being thrown a lifeline and a sinker at the same time. First I couldn't help the dumb grin on my face; she couldn't stop thinking about me, especially not what I had done to her in my garage. That's when it had hit me that she was married to a leech, who most likely couldn't do much to her anyway. I mean, how the hell can you—oh no, hell no, I couldn't even go there. I wouldn't go there. If I wanted my old room to be intact I would _not_ be thinking about what him and Bella were up to, what kind of sick shit they got off on.

I could taste the bile in the back of my throat, swallowing it back before I'd hurl.

So where was my retribution? I wanted it. Come to think on it I wanted to hurt that leech as much as he'd hurt me. I didn't even know if he actually was capable of hurting. I'd seen him in agony a few times. When I showed him some colorful images of Bella after he dumped her in the woods and took off. He should have stayed away—all water under the bridge.

I unfolded the note and read it.

My hands trembled slightly, slivers of heat shooting up my spine. But I had it now, I didn't lose it. I was strong, so much stronger than before.

As I sat there forcing myself to read through his message a plan formed, I could see it now. My time for retribution had come, I'd get my revenge on the bloodsucking monster that took my life away. I'd give him a taste of his own medicine.

Determination coursed through me, and I started rummaging through a box of crap in my nightstand. I needed a pen, and I needed a piece of paper. Then I needed their address. I was sure if I made up some bullshit about a graduation present or something for Bella that Charlie would give me her address without a second thought. I kinda felt a bit bad about that though, I didn't feel comfortable using Charlie. But if he knew what it was for, and why, then I almost felt certain he would have agreed with me. I doubted he would want his only daughter to be spending the rest of her life with a dead guy.

I shuddered again.

When I found the pen I got up from my bed and walked out of my room. I needed paper now. When I got into the living room my dad was sitting there, watching TV. He looked up at me, but I tried not to look at his face. I knew I was hurting him. I was pretty damn sure I was breaking his heart, and I just couldn't watch it in his eyes.

"Hey son, didn't realize you were here—what are you looking for?" came his deep, rugged voice. Like well worn leather. My dad was a rock, but I was crushing him.

"Have we got any paper in this place, like to write on?" I asked casually.

I didn't want him to ask questions.

"Where's your school bag?"

"Good point." I said and pushed the door open, walking outside to the rabbit, before he could ask more questions.

When I had the notepad out I took out the note I had crumpled into my pocket. Then I got to work. It wasn't that I needed the damn note, the few phrases had branded themselves into my brain, but seeing the note, feeling it burning my hand gave me an edge, an edge I needed to be able to write a civil letter to a freaking bloodsucker, but not just any bloodsucker, to _her_ leech. It took some damn effort, but after a dozen mistakes I finally had my payback-slip.

It was beautiful, if I did say so myself.

_Edward,_

_I'm breaking the rules sending you this. I know she doesn't  
want to hurt you, so that's probably why it's me telling you  
what I am about to tell you instead of her, because I know  
that if our roles had been reversed, I'd want to know._

Beneath it I scribbled out a detailed entry of what had happened in the garage. I knew he probably liked theatrics, so I didn't try and spare him. He was used to reading minds, and I knew he had seen my fantasies with Bella that one night, in that tent. Kinda funny that I was now about to send him one of my fantasies willingly, only difference was it had actually happened. In a way it felt so damn good, it was so sweet. My only regret was that I wouldn't get to see his reaction when he read the letter. Too bad, but you can't have everything.

Ain't that true when your name is Jacob Black.

I was so damn happy, it was a rush. I took the note, looked at it one last time, then I read the first lines of my letter again. Yep, time to let this baby go. So after I got into my car, the letter folded neatly on the seat next to me I rolled down the window and flicked the crumpled little ball out as I drove off to get an address from Charlie.

Good riddance.

When I got to Charlies' place I had a huge grin on my face, stunning the poor man into silence as he opened the door.

"Jake." he breathed out, surprised. Yeah, I was surprised too that I had actually managed to drive up here when I knew she wasn't here anymore.

"Hey Charlie," I greeted him cheerfully.

"Well, come on in son." he held the door open for me and for a second I hesitated, but then I stepped around him. I tried not to look at too much. The last thing I wanted was to spot some happy family photo with people smiling. I especially didn't wanna see _her_ smiling.

"So, to what do I owe the honor?" he asked, his voice still light with surprise.

"I actually came to ask you for a favor, I have this little present I wanted to send Bella for graduation. Thought I'd finally try and get over myself and be a good sport, you know." it sounded like complete bullshit to me, and Charlie wasn't known for letting you off the hook easily. I was kinda shocked when he reacted straight away, smiling and giving me a slap on the shoulder.

"About time. I knew you'd come around. Sorry about everything that's happened, you know I would have preferred you to take care of my little girl, but that's life, right?" he rambled.

Well, that one was a low blow. But it wasn't his fault, I knew he meant well, so I sucked it up and took a deep breath while he disappeared—to get her address?

While he was gone I thought I may as well have a look around. Charlie was gonna rent this place out soon, so it would be emptied and this would be the last chance I had to actually get a blast from the past. There was one place I wanted to see, even if it would most likely hurt me.

Grow some balls, man. Jeez.

So I started climbing the stairs, wondering where Charlie had gone. When I got to the door to her room I felt my heart pounding, and suddenly I felt like running back downstairs and wait outside. But I swallowed back on the heat, and pushed the door open.

Her scent hit me like a ton of bricks, and if I hadn't had my hand on the door handle I would have been decked. She had been here not long ago and the scent of strawberries and vanilla hung in the air. Some things don't change. Huh.

When I stepped into the room it got stronger and my eyes fell to her bed. Yep, ain't stepping near that baby.

Nothing had changed. It was all still here. Looks like she hadn't been planning on taking anything of her old life into her new one.

As I stood there, my eyes traveling around around her room, finally coming to rest on her desk my heart nearly stopped. Slowly I walked over to it, my eyes glued on something laying there. Something I had spent a lot of my time working on while thinking about her, while she was off planning to ride off into the sunset with her leech.

I think in that moment, when it all hit me, and our entire lives up until this point flashed by in a matter of seconds I wished someone would just show up and end me. The pain was too much.

Shoot me, drown me, run me over, rip my heart out and stomp on it—anything but this because I can't take it!

I hadn't even noticed that my eyes were wet, but the moment I did I cursed out loud, and drew Charlies' attention to me.

"Jake, what are you doing in here?" came his concerned voice from behind me.

I couldn't move, it was as if I was coming undone right there. I felt the transformation itching beneath my skin, ripping me apart. The heat rolled through me, making my whole body convulse in violent spasms. I think I actually managed to get my voice through, somewhere between the masses of tremors that just kept assaulting me, telling Charlie to get the hell away from me. Because he is still alive, he wouldn't have been if he'd been anywhere near me.

Then I snatched up the bracelet and ran.

I made it into Charlie's backyard, then I popped the bracelet in my mouth and let go.

Leah was there, and so was Seth, but I ignored them, and as usual they knew me, and let me go. I was so used to this by now. I'd had so much practice of losing myself in the wolf, becoming one with him, leaving everything about my human self behind.

I stayed like that for many days, not thinking, not feeling, just existing.

Until something started nagging at the back of my mind, trying to bring back a memory. At first I fought it, but it was coming on strong. Then when it finally hit me I bolted back to Charlies' house. I had a damn letter to send, and I wasn't going to let that sweet baby go.

This time I stayed outside, while Charlie got me some clothes to wear and the address. I apologized to him, and he gave me this look, like he felt sorry for me. I could see he really cared, but I didn't want his sympathy. I didn't want anyone to give a damn about me.

After figuring out what day it was I breathed a sigh of relief. It was Tuesday, early morning, so if I was lucky the leech would have the letter by Thursday. Nice graduation gift, not for Bella, but for him. I wondered if he would tell her, would he show it to her? I wasn't sure if I wanted her to see it. When I thought about her witnessing the cold, heartless son of a bitch I'd become I bet it would rip her up. She'd blame herself, Bella-style. I had never met anyone who loved wallowing in her own misery, until I met myself—who I became when she broke my heart, telling me she was gonna go have sex with the leech.

Easy now Jake, think we've given Mr Alpha enough of our time? Time to get back to work. And that's what I would do. I'd drag my ass to college today, then I'd go to work tonight, and the night after, until I was back on track. Except that the thing with Leah had become a pain in the ass. I couldn't touch her anymore. I hadn't had sex since after Charlies' wedding. In a way I could do without, if it meant not hurting Leah. I couldn't take the emotional part of it. But when I'd been used to giving in to my physical needs whenever the urge had hit, then to go without absolutely nothing then it was bound to get to you. Of course I could take it into my own hands to get rid of the tension, and I did, but it didn't do it. It wasn't the same.

You are a mess, Leah is right, look at you. Stop being a wuss and go see her, try to give her what she wants. You're screwed either way. Which was right. I was a mess. Outwardly I was just a bit of a recluse, sure, but on the inside I was still the screwed up basket case.

So I threw myself back into it, at first trying not to think too much about anything unless I absolutely had to. Which was required when I was in school, but that would be over soon. Summer break, the worst time of the year. Another two years of this crap and I would have my degree. I'd be able to open up my own business, I could get the real money rolling and quit my job at that shifty club. I had grown to tolerate some of the people there, and even to like Lee, my boss, maybe his wife too, but that's about as far as I was willing to extend myself.

When Thursday finally came rolling around I was feeling a bit giddy, my spirit was right up there together with your average loser, not too much shit, not too much pain. This was the day I knew for sure the leech would get my little present.

When I came back from school that day I went straight over to the Clearwaters'. I was gonna make an effort to spend some time with Leah. I think I had already forgiven her for giving my number to Bella. I hadn't received anymore messages after the tease she'd sent me, making my stomach do flips and my heart go _boom-boom-crunch._

"Wow, I can't believe it, look what decided to come crawling back, tail between his legs and all." Leah had her usual vicious smirk on her face, sitting on the sofa in her mom's living room, watching some disgusting reality-show, people behaving like animals even though they knew they were being watched. I figured Leah had a dirty mind, but I didn't think she'd stoop down to watching other people diving down for a fondle.

"Still watching that crap," I sneered, falling back onto the sofa next to her.

"This is a good one, they're showing the goodies from all around the world. I'm waiting for the one from Sweden, I saw a quick clip in the commercial late last night so I put it on to record. Too naughty to be shown during the day." her eyes twinkled wickedly.

Was she for real? Dirty minded bitch.

"Right." I replied, uninterested.

"So, last day today, how does it feel. Two years left, half done. Proud of ya Jacob." she said and punched my shoulder.

"'It's all right. Just wish I could fast forward through this stupid summer break." I said, shrugging.

"If you weren't such a sissy I could help you out, make time pass a bit faster," she said suggestively, licking her lips as her hand suddenly appeared on my thigh.

I growled. Her touch was potent. Down boy, down!

"Not gonna happen," I replied firmly, slapping her hand away.

"Looks like the jury should go back for a second debate, the vote ain't unanimous." she snickered, her eyes drifting to my pants.

I rolled my eyes at her. How did Sam manage to ignore her, even after he imprinted? It had to be something really volatile. Leah was a force of nature with her sexual innuendos'.

"Afraid it's a case of the judge overruling." I responded flatly.

"Judge Jacob?"

"Whatever. What about you? How is your own education going—I feel sorry for the guys when you get your nursing degree and a uniform to go with it. Tell me, how many interns are you going to lure into the scrubbing closet?"

"Not too many, I have a reputation to keep up, if I want hope in attracting a decent guy in the future." she said, her tone 'back to business', cool and unapproachable. "Besides, I'll be in the maternity ward, I doubt there are any _men_ there."

That's right. Leah wanted to work with babies.

Let's not think about babies and happy daddies, shall we.

It went silent, and I just sat there, half watching the TV, half focusing on my own breathing, for lack of other things to keep me occupied. Her sick reality show didn't hold much interest for me. Not that I'd have to keep it up for too long, there would be work to go to later.

That's when my phone rang. I dug into my pocket and pulled it out. When I saw the caller ID I thought I would have a stroke.

I swore.

"Who is it?"

I gave her the look, telling her I was nearly willing to break one of my few rules to never hit a woman, and her full lips curved into a knowing smirk.

"Better pick it up, lover boy."

I shoved her away, then answered my phone.

"What do you want?"

"How dare you!" Bella hissed at me.

Whoa! Jackpot baby! I pumped my fist in the air, a wide smirk on my face. Leah raised an eyebrow, snorting at me.

There was only one way to do this, soak up all the glory. "I guess you didn't tell him after all, oh well, he deserved to know." I replied, still smirking.

"Since when did you care about Edward?" she spat at me.

Pfft. Was she asking me that seriously?

Sorry to break your happy bubble honey, "I don't." I told her honestly.

That's when I noticed her heavy breathing. After two weeks of no physical action and now with Leah's weird display of affection earlier my mind was running haywire.

Play it down, man.

"Are you running, you're breathing kinda heavily?" I laughed at the lame question, seriously, was that the best I could have come up with?

"God! I _hate_ you!" came her furious reply.

Wow, she was really mad, this could only mean that Edward hadn't appreciated my graduation present for him. What a sore loser. I couldn't stop the laugh, it felt great!

Leah was looking at me intently now. Uh oh, she was gonna have some questions after this one. I wasn't sure if she would be on my side or Bella's. She had proven already that she was leaning toward the leech-lover.

"Ugh!" she groaned at me. For a moment I wondered if it had come from Bella or Leah. Nah, it was so Bella to snort at me.

I bet I was frustrating her a lot, maybe she wasn't getting what she needed from her leech of a husband after all. Not that I minded if that went down hill, if I hadn't been so broken I would have gladly stepped in and fulfilled her needs.

"Now, honey, don't be mad. I did you a favor, really, think about it. Now you will be free to explore your sexuality to your little heart's content." I suggested, not really sure where I was going with that. I wasn't prepared for her response to it either.

"Is that what you thought I was doing with you!" she yelled. It was so loud I actually moved the phone a little from my ear, grimacing. She remembered I had excellent hearing, didn't she? I looked over at Leah who was staring at me.

'What' I mouthed at her, shrugging.

If Bella really was bored and frustrated, I really wanted to know about it.

"You're bored, honey. Why don't you just admit it to yourself." I told her, trying to keep my voice even. Some of my own desire to make her see sense slipped through and it ended up a lot softer than I intended.

Her voice turned all authority like, reminding me of the old Bella I knew and loved, "Now you listen to me, Jacob Black-" I started chuckling; I loved it when she said my full name.

I was just about to tell her how much I loved it, then she started spitting fire at me.

"If you for one moment believe you are _that_ good that I would travel across the country to explore my sexuality with you, then you are sorely mistaken. If, and only _if_ I were to engage in such behavior there are plenty of attractive men _right here_. So wipe that smirk off your face and get over yourself!"

Hold up—what? My stomach twisted painfully. So she had been paying attention to guys around her? That didn't sound like the Bella I knew. Didn't she love her leech as much as she used to? I couldn't believe it, this wasn't possible.

"Really?" I asked, because I just couldn't believe her. I needed some kind of confirmation on this. Could it have been possible that what she let me do in my garage, that the lack of resistance meant she felt something? I still couldn't get it into my head, it didn't want to stick. Was that the hidden message between the lines she sent to my cellphone? My whole mind fought it, my heart fought it. "I've gotta hear this one—so tell me then, what _were_your intentions with those teasing lines you sent me two weeks ago?"

She went silent.

Yeah, "Thought so." my reply came straight from my broken heart.

Why would she want anyone but her bloodsucking husband.

You're giving up? The inner voice buzzed in my brain.

Her rambling sliced at me, "No, wait, you've got it all wrong, I-"

I interrupted her to spare myself, and to throw in whatever I had left to give.

"Bella. The sooner you stop lying to yourself, the sooner you can get on with your life. See this as my graduation gift to you." I told her softly, then I hung up straight away, throwing my phone to the side and got off the sofa, stalking toward the door.

"What the hell was that?" came Leah's loud voice behind me.

Goddammit why didn't she know when to leave me alone?

"Leah, now's not a good time." I told her, but my voice was all wrong. I was defeated.

"The hell it is, now's a perfect time." she raved and rounded me, pushing her hands out against my chest to stop me. I just stopped and looked at her, not knowing, nor caring what I looked like.

"What happened?" she probed.

"It's none of your business." I groaned, rubbing my face with my hand.

She didn't say anything, she just looked at me. I didn't move, I was done, spent. How many times could I go from loving Bella, to being torn by her, only to have her call me, and get my hopes up with her rambling. Then, to do a 180 and again and allow my doubts to weasel their way back into my head, poisoning me.

"I'm sorry Jacob." she said finally.

"Look, it's not your fault. Yeah, I wished you hadn't given her my number, but, shit happens, right?" I shoved my hands in my pockets, walking back to the porch and sinking down onto the steps, burying my face in my hands.

"I'm not sorry about giving her your number, idiot. I'm just sorry it has to hurt so much, that part I didn't mean for to happen." she admitted earnestly.

I felt her sit down next to me, her hip brushing against me. Why couldn't she be someone I could care about? She was right here, and she seemed like she could have been willing to try being with me, if I had just been capable of giving her love. I couldn't though, my heart belonged to Bella, no matter how much it made me bleed. It pissed me off. It ached.

"She loves you Jacob." Leah said suddenly, her voice soft but sure.

I'd had enough of her.

"Fuck, Leah. _Shut. Up._"

"No." she retorted defiantly.

I had to get rid of her or she'd peel back the last ounce of sanity I had.

"No wonder Sam didn't fight his imprint, you really have no heart. Get it. _Go. Away. Now._"

I felt her flinch next to me, but then nothing. Not even a tremble.

"I'm leaving." I got up and started walking away. For a moment I thought I would finally be rid of her, but then I heard the gravel crunch behind me as she started following.

"What do you want Jacob? What do you need? Everybody wants something, so tell me what you want." she demanded.

A bolt of lightning lit up the dark cloud cover above, followed by an earth shattering crack. The rumbling echo that followed vibrated through me. I could feel the charge in the air. Then the sky opened up and the rain came down with a vengeance.

"Awesome," I muttered and turned, Leah standing in my way, her hands crossed over her chest.

"Get out of the way, Leah." I sighed, starting to step around her but she moved, blocking me.

"No. You are going to answer my damn question. If you want to go inside, then you have to break your own laws and hit me." she said evenly, fixing her eyes on me.

I glared at her, "What's it to you?"

"Why does it have to be something to _me_? Pretend it's the first day at a new school and they ask questions about your future, 'what do you want when you grow up'-kinda thing, and you have no qualms about speaking straight from your dreams. Pretend that it makes a difference; _do it_, tell me, _what do you want_?"

I stared at her, uncomprehending. Just for the hell of it? Was she serious? Why the hell would I stand here, in the middle of a vicious downpour, and risk getting hit by lightning, just to entertain her twisted games?

"Give me _one_ good reason." I spat.

"Because _you_ _need_ to know." she spat back. "Or, go jump off a cliff and rid us all of your self-pity. Pick one. _Now_." she demanded viciously.

Under different circumstances I would have made a joke, but I didn't have it in me to make one. There was nothing about this situation that struck me as amusing. Which surprised me. I had been able to make jokes about pretty much anything. But now I didn't care.

Great, I was back to where I had started, right after Bella had left. I remember watching the car leaving. The happily married couple, off to spend their honeymoon together. Well, as far as I had _understood it_ a honeymoon was supposed to be full of lovemaking. But as I_saw it_, she was riding right into an early grave, and there hadn't been a damn thing I could have done about it. She hadn't wanted me to save her. She wanted to die. Die with him rather than live and try with me. Not even _try_. That's how good I was, that's how much her life meant.

I swallowed back on the bile and the heat simultaneously. I felt sick, and I felt like I was dying, and being ripped apart. All at the same time.

"Jacob. _What. Do. You. Want_?" she demanded a third time.

I saw her through the curtain of rage and blood wrapped around me.

There wasn't one fiber in my body that could have mustered a link to move my lips to speak, and if she didn't move I would rip her to shreds. It's all I could do not to phase. I had never, ever felt such utter hatred for what I was, but ultimately for the freak of nature that had unhinged me.

She must have realized that I couldn't have answered her, because she jumped out of the way suddenly. Just in time too, because I couldn't hold him back.

A painful howl broke from me. I felt like crying, and maybe that's what I did.

Then Leah was back, her arms thrown around my neck.

"I'm sorry Jacob. Sorry for pushing you. I was just trying to help." she was crying too.

I shrugged my big shoulders, slumping my big frame as I just sprawled there. Not even as a wolf could I escape the agony. We shared it now, it was _our_ pain, and it brought us down.

"Get up, please Jacob." she sobbed into my fur, her arms pulling at me. I had never seen Leah this way, but I guess if anyone was allowed to see her weak side it was me. Not that I knew what I had done to deserve it. I felt uncomfortable at the same time as I was grateful that she was here. It made me feel like I was still alive, even though I couldn't feel anything but the lethargy in my limbs. My body wouldn't budge, I tried moving but I felt too heavy.

Suddenly she was angry, it was unbelievable how she could switch her moods like this.

"Stop it. Why are you giving in? Why do you give up? Have you completely forgotten who you are? Or do you think that all you are is Bella's Jacob? You're Ephraim's descendant, you're my Alpha, you're _Quileute_! You're a disgrace if you lay down and die!"

A growl rumbled in my throat.

"Get up, stop being a coward, _fight_!" she hissed while she kept pulling at me.

Was she stupid?

Then she stood up and started stripping the soaked clothes from her body. I lifted my head and watched her.

"You better be up in a few seconds, because if you're not I'm gonna tear you up!" she yelled at me as she pulled off her pants, until she stood in front of me completely naked.

I barked out a laugh. I couldn't help it.

Then she backed off, the tremors making her shape blur.

I growled in anticipation.

Then she phased.

_Come on, get up, fight. If you don't then I will._

_You're a pain in the ass,_ I laughed at her.

_So are you, but a disgraceful pain in the ass. How do you call yourself Quileute when you're laying there like a coward, get up!_

A snarl ripped from my throat, and I launched myself at her. I'd had enough of her mocking me, and as a wolf she wasn't a girl anymore, nor a woman, she was just a damn annoying bitch.

_Damn right!_ She snarled in response, her jaws snapping for me as I collided with her.

I wondered how long it would take for Sam to show up, because the way we started going at it someone was bound to get hurt. She was being vicious, and I ducked her snaps and jabs, retaliating with my own.

I felt her teeth sink into my flank and I growled, barking a mocking laugh at her.

_Is that the best you've got? Come on! Show me how damn tough you are!_

_You're gonna regret you asked that!_ She snarled back.

We were locked together in our own little bubble, exchanging blows, jabs, snaps. She was nipping at my fur while I kept shoving her, rounding on her to shove her some more.

_You're crazy for fighting your Alpha, _I glowered.

_My Alpha? Where? Show me! I'd love to know where he is!_ She challenged.

_Don't think I won't use it on you Leah, back off!_

_The hell I will. It's about time you showed some backbone, Jacob!_

I laughed, _I don't need to command you to show backbone, I'll just rough you up a bit._

_Oh really? The almighty Jacob can take down a girl, we should all bow down!_

I felt his presence then.

_Stop it, the both of you, what the hell is your problem!_

Seth. Dammit.

_Stay out of it bro, I've got this._

_Hell no, you're not gonna fight him, Leah. Just stop it you two, jeez._

Then Seth came up behind us, and he growled.

_Please guys, what the hell?_

He was right, this was beyond stupid. I was tired of this crap. But in a way I guess she had helped, she'd pulled me out of my wallowing by challenging the pride of my heritage.

_Nice one, you've got some balls, sis._

_Thanks, _she snorted.

_Can we all go inside, there's a storm coming, well, it's already here. . . ._

Then he faded again, and shortly after so did Leah.

I focused my thoughts, finding my peace, my center.

"Lucky for you Seth is big enough to lend you clothes, I don't think my mom wants your naked ass on her couch." Leah snickered at me.

I shrugged, unashamed by my naked body as I walked over to pick up the shredded pieces of my clothes, stuffing them into the garbage bin.

When I came inside the door I had a towel shoved at me.

"Dry yourself off before you step on my mom's floor." Seth told me.

"Yeah, yeah." I muttered, when a pile of bunched up cotton hit my face. "The hell?"

"Cover yourself, Jacob." came Leah's mocking voice.

I dried myself off quickly and pulled on the sweatpants and the tee.

"No underwear?" I asked, winking at her.

"We don't have them in your size." she drawled.

Right. I gave her a weird look.

"Don't look like that, that wasn't a compliment, it was a fact, your ass is bigger than Seth's."

"Thanks." I muttered.

Seth called out from the living room. "Your phone is beeping, Jake."

"Let it. No one I want to talk to would text me right now." I looked directly at Leah when I said it. She rolled her eyes at me and sighed.

"_I have decided to follow your advice. Thanks!_" came Seth's high pitch voice from the living room. "Can't be good. I wouldn't follow your advice Jake, even if you paid me." he added in his normal tone.

Leah dove for the living room before I could even react. I launched myself after her. She had my phone and was reading my message before I got to her.

"It's from Bella. What oh what could she mean by that, huh?" Leah pursed her lips and fixed me with a meaningful glare.

"Get your paws off my property." I growled at her. She tossed me my phone with a shrug.

"Since when does Bella have your number? Didn't notice you exchanging phone numbers at the wedding, I swore it looked like you wanted to jump her bones though." Seth yipped.

"Careful kid, you're lucky I like you, but don't tempt me." I warned him.

"I'd rather you jumped _her bones_ than Leah's." he grimaced.

"Seth, you bonehead!" Leah spat.

"What? It's true." he glowered and sat down on the sofa, putting his feet up on the coffee table.

"Put your feet down before I smack 'em." Leah menaced.

I ignored them and read Bella's message again, before I replied.

_**What advice?**_

I went over and sat down next to Seth while waiting. I hadn't given her any advice, what was she talking about?

"So, you gonna answer me, Jacob?" I looked up at Leah where she was standing next to Seth on the other end of the sofa.

I lowered my voice, and pleaded with her. "Don't start again, okay?"

"I still don't understand what the harm is in saying."

"I don't understand why you're asking me when we both know that you know already." I said, stating my case slowly, purposefully, gauging her reaction.

"Because I wanna hear you say it, 'cause I think you're a chicken." she said, challenging me again with her defiance.

"Seth, get a hold of your sister before I put her outside."

I'd had enough of her for one day. For the rest of the week actually.

After twenty minutes I decided to send another message. I guess Bella was pissed with me. Not that I understood why she'd send me the message she just had if she was pissed. I was still in the dark as to what her message meant.

I sent the same question again.

_**What advice!**_

Then I waited again. But she still wouldn't answer me. I kept checking the time, getting more and more irritated by the minute.

Finally I just decided to call her again. I dialed her number, getting up to walk around while I listened to it ringing.

Then it connected and I heard her answer. "Hello?" she was pretending she didn't know who I was, I heard it in her voice.

Bells, Bells, you know you're a terrible liar.

"Why don't you answer my messages?" I asked in a low voice, not hiding my irritation.

She didn't answer straight away, and I could hear music and talking in the background.

"Hey, if you scratch it you pay for it!" she yelled out to someone.

She was ignoring me, and I wasn't gonna have it. "Bella." I growled.

"Jake? Is that you?" she asked.

Oh hell no. I swore under my breath, a growl rumbling in my throat as I tried to rein in my anger.

"I take that as a yes, I don't know many people who can growl." came her response to my irritation. She was playing a dangerous game now, and I was pretty sure she didn't know what she was getting into. But the fact that she was trying to play games with me got me riled up, and not in an angry way.

I tried to control myself when I spoke, "Don't play with fire if you can't handle the consequences."

There was the shortest pause.

"I could say the same for you, but you cashed in your chips too early buddy, you should have held out just a _little_ bit longer. Then maybe you would know what you are talking about."

Did she just play the 'buddy'-card on me? Cashing in my chips? Was she serious. I was _not_gonna take that from her. And what the hell did she mean by it? What should I have held out for a bit longer? Was she talking about the garage thing again, or did this go further back?

I froze.

Was she saying I gave up on her too easily when she decided to run off with Edward? What was I supposed to do then? Throw her over my shoulder and run away with her? Yeah right. I do remember her saying when she was here a couple of weeks back that she had changed her mind about humanity but-

The curses that poured out of me shocked even myself, and Leah and Seth stopped their bickering and stared at me.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a party to attend. Goodnight bub." Bella said cheerfully, then the line went dead.

_Bub!_

Hold on, hold up—party? Bella was at a party? Ah—of course, the music, the noise. Telling people not to scratch her car. If she was there with her car it meant she was there alone.

My body slowed down, so did my pulse. I seemed to slowly but surely be locked down as everything connected and suddenly everything made sense.

She wasn't interested in immortality anymore. She had hinted to me that she wanted me with her message, but I had mocked her. Then when her leech had gotten my letter she had freaked out, most likely vented everything. Next thing she had called me and been pissed off, but she'd tried to get me to listen, but I still wouldn't because I was an idiot, I always had been one. She had tried to reach out to me, hoping I'd be fighting for her still but I had given up. Leah was right, I was a coward. The worst kind.

Bella was now at a party, where she knew people, the guys she'd been talking about. Oh fuck!

Sexual experimenting, now I got it.

Suddenly I was burning.

If someone touched her-

"Jake!" Seth's hands were on me, shaking me. "Snap out of it, man!"

I forced myself to concentrate. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts. There would be hell to pay if I phased in Sue's living room.

Leah had come up to me too, and she had put her hand on my arm.

"Get a grip Jacob, you're gonna get yourself together and sort this out. Come on."

"Yeah," I sucked in a deep breath through my gritted teeth.

"Now, come sit down, I'll get you a drink. Do you want something Seth?" Leah asked.

I let myself be guided to the sofa.

This was unbelievable. In a matter of weeks I'd managed to lose control twice, and shredded several nice articles of clothing, not that it mattered, but it pissed me off, because before now I had gone two years without losing it once.

Losing it now was not the solution. I had to hear it from her first. I wasn't going to delude myself into thinking she wanted me to fight for her if she didn't really want me to. The last thing I was gonna do was to put myself in her line of fire again unless I knew it was worth it.

Leah returned with a glass of lemonade and a soda.

"Pick." she told me.

"I'll have that," Seth snatched up the soda-can.

"Moron." Leah snapped.

"Jeez, leave the kid alone," I told her and took the lemonade. "Thanks." I added.

"So, what's going on?" She asked, looking at me expectantly.

"Leah, enough. I'm not gonna talk about it. I'll deal with it as it comes." I looked at her, wanting her to see I was being serious.

She didn't say anything more, and I looked at her suspiciously. Why did she give in so easily? Her eyes were focused on the TV, her face not giving anything away.

"Do you know something I don't?" I asked her finally, as I kept scrutinizing her face.

"Besides what I have already told you?" she turned to glare at me.

"Yeah." I shot back, fixing my eyes on hers.

"Oh let's see, you're an idiot? Oh wait, I said that already." her voice was dripping sarcasm.

"Leah," I said softly, "You're trying too hard." I smiled.

Her eyes flashed at me in anger.

"Look, it's not my problem if you waste your life on denial, but I am not gonna be your crutch anymore Jacob. You're on your own." she retorted icily and got up to leave.

"Good riddance," I muttered under my breath. She whipped her head and glared at me but continued out of the room.

Frustrated with Leah and Bella's lack of ability to answer my message was getting to me, but in a very different way. I wasn't angry, I was running out of ways to deal with it. So I went to type out a message to Bella to try again.

_**Are you gonna answer me yet?**_

I sent it off and waited. And waited. I tried to watch TV or to listen for where Leah had gone, but in the end I just ended up sitting there. Waiting. I was gonna have to go and get ready for work soon. I looked at the time and saw how the minutes had just ticked on by. No response.

I growled and typed out another one, what was she playing at?

_**Do you want me to crash your party?**_

Let's see how she likes that one, shall we. If she was going to threaten me then I would threaten her right back. Not that I'd make it to her in that time, but she didn't know that.

I just watched the time, waiting for her to answer me.

The hypnotizing silence around me nearly made me doze off. Why was I obsessing over this? What was the use? It was a dumb question though. All the questions as to 'why' were dumb. I loved her. It was as simple as that. I wanted her, with me, next to me, under me, on top of me—I just needed her in my life dammit. And the thought of her at a party, surrounded by guys when I knew how damn attractive, how beautiful she was, my stomach twisted painfully.

My decision was made before it hit me. I'd call her, once, if she didn't answer me I'd pack my shit right now and leave. I would travel to her damned College if I had to, so I could get some answers. One message with a warning, one phone call and the choice would be hers. I'd get the answer I needed either way, by her response or her silence.

I typed up my last message and sent it off.

_**If you don't pick up when I call I will  
come to you and make you do it!  
Last chance Bells.**_

I waited a minute then I put my phone to my ear and pressed the button to call her up.

The signal was connected and it began to ring. For each ring I got more and more determined.

All right, Bells. You made your choice, I'll see you soon.

I shot up from the sofa and stalked toward the door.

"See ya in a few days, I'm going to New Hampshire!" I called out over my shoulder and slipped out the door, running through the rain back to Billy's. When I arrived I flung the door open, storming down the hallway to my room to grab my bag. I stuffed some clothes into it. I felt like I was possessed, racing against the clock. If I had forgotten something I'd just have to buy it on the way.

"Jake?" my dad's voice came from behind me when I rummaged through a drawer for my bankcard. Was I _ever_ happy about having saved money then it was now.

"Not now dad, I'm kinda in a hurry." I muttered.

Where the hell was my card—there. I grabbed it and went back to my room to pull on boxers, socks and jeans. Then I went back into the kitchen, grabbing a soda from the fridge.

"Where's the fire?" my dad asked.

"In New Hampshire." I replied simply.

"Jake, I don't think-" he began, his voice deep with worry.

"Sorry pops. This is not about anyone else but me and Bells. I should have done this a long, long time ago."

"There will be no one there to pr-"

"Protect me?" I turned to him, shoving my bankcard into my back pocket and started pulling a shirt over my head as I continued, "I don't need protection. The only one who could ever hurt me, and you know this, that's Bells. Don't we have enough proof of that already?"

I looked at my dad for a moment, willing him to understand.

"I'll call Leah and ask her to come keep an eye on you, old man. Don't you try anything stupid now. This is _my_ life." I gave him a small grin, "I can't _not_ fight for her. Look where that got me. I have to do what I can, I can't sit around here anymore and pretend."

I gave his shoulder a light pat, then I slung my bag over my shoulder and ran out to the rabbit. I hoped the old geezer could make it to Seattle without breaking down. I wasn't looking forward to hitchhiking. Running as a wolf was out of the question, it was time to travel human style.

I'd never been on a plane before, but I was sure it'd be better than sitting in a house full of leeches. That thought made me shudder. Yeah, don't think I would do that. I hoped I wouldn't have to do that. One step at a time, I told myself.

I threw my bag into the rabbit and jumped into the drivers seat.

Aw shit. My phone.

I was just about to go back inside when I realized that I'd most likely dropped it when I flew out of the sofa at Sues' place.

Pulling up in the driveway I saw Leah, she was standing on the porch, holding up something. God she was a lifesaver.

She came up to the rabbit, handing me the phone.

"It's been running hot," she said, a smirk on her face. But her eyes were guarded.

"I'm not gonna get soppy on ya, but thanks, a lot." I gave her a smile.

"You're my slave for life now," she said, her expression cocky.

"Yeah, you wish."

"Don't keep her waiting. And Jacob," she hesitated, then she leaned in and crashed her lips against mine. For a moment I had an extreme urge to get out of the car and give her what I knew she wanted, but that was over and done with now, I told myself. And she knew it. I could feel it in the way she was kissing me. But I gave her a minute, pouring whatever I had for her into it. There were a lot of things I had her to thank for.

Then she pulled away, growling at me. "Go, get lost already." she snapped, then she turned and walked back inside.

My stomach twisted, it felt bad hurting her. I guess I cared about her in some strange way. I knew though that it was no where near enough for her. She had been right, she deserved a lot more than I could ever have given her.

When I looked at my phone I saw that Bella had tried to call him, more than once. Well, I'd given her a chance to tell me not to come. The choice was made.

I reversed out of the driveway, throwing the rabbit into gear and began driving. I just hoped that the reason she hadn't answered was due to her being in another man's arms. To imagine that made it hard to breathe. I had to give her more credit than that. I had to give _myself_ more credit than that. But that was easier said than done after having spent the last four years feeling like a piece of shit for having failed her.

Get it together, Jake.

I don't know for how long I'd been driving when my phone rang, making me hit my head when I jumped.

"Goddammit, small piece of crap car." I hissed, as I reached out for the phone.

Ah. Bells.

I couldn't help the smile that just found its way so naturally into my lips.

"You're too late honey," I answered her silent question.

"Jake!" she breathed into my ear, making me weak. "Don't be silly, you can't leave La Push." she said.

Silly would be staying when I knew I wouldn't survive without her.

"Already did, Bells. I'm doing what I should have done a long time ago." I smiled when I said it. It was now the most obvious thing in the world. Everything else meant nothing, only the fact that I would get to see her soon. What other purpose did I have?

"Why, Jake? Explain, because I don't understand. You—I—when I was there you-" her voice broke off.

God Bells, don't do this to me. Don't you dare break down. I wanted to yell at her to stop. She made me wish I was with her right now so I could hold her, kiss her cheek, tell her everything was gonna be just fine. I couldn't have her hurting like this, it cut me too deep.

"I'm sorry honey," I said as earnestly as I could, "I was stupid."

Yeah. Stupid. Nothing new at all.

"W-where are y-you?" she choked on her words.

I wondered the same thing, where she was, what she was doing, or what she had been doing. Had she—don't think too fast now, Jake.

"On my way to the airport. I'll buy the first ticket I can get my hands on, just tell me one thing," I answered quickly, then the question was choking me, I had to ask. I covered the phone, swearing loudly.

"Tell me you didn't do anything stupid because of what I said," I couldn't stop the crap that flew out of my mouth, I was freaking out.

"Please, I can't-" I begged. Fuck.

Shit, did I say that out loud?

"Stop swearing!" she hissed at me.

Guess I did.

Well, she just had to know, I didn't care if I got hurt, but I needed to know. I _had_ to know. It burned within me like a fire, ready to consume me. The extreme need to know that she was just mine, and that she wouldn't give herself to anyone else but me.

"No other man is allowed to touch you Bells, you're mine, dammit. Just—tell me, I'm dying here honey," I held my breath as I waited for her answer.

Why was she being so quiet? I started feeling sick for each second that went by.

Fuck—I really need to stop swearing—Goddammit!

"Bells?" I whispered. The fear I felt was overpowering, if she told me she had-

"I nearly kissed someone." she blurted out quickly.

_Crunch._

Thank God! That's my girl.

Oh shit—I looked down on my phone and groaned.

Nice work, how do you plan on finding where she lives now?

I can't believe I just squashed the damn thing.

Well, I knew where she went to school, and I think I remembered the name of the street from when I sent Eddie's little present.

He is not going to be happy to see you—no doubt.

Well, I had a nose, I would just follow the stench, I thought, and smiled darkly.


	9. It's Not Over

_Let's start over.  
I'll try to do it right this time around.  
It's not over.  
'Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.  
This love is killing me,  
But you're the only one.  
It's not over._

_By  
Daughtry_

**~* It's Not Over *~**

_**Bella...**_

The blush crept up into my face, my cheeks bursting into flames.

"Alice," I choked, mortified.

"It's true, I saw it. You forget I also have impeccable senses." she pointed out simply.

"That's it. I am turning the car around and going home to purge myself." I hissed.

Alice snorted at me, "You will do no such thing. Learn to appreciate it, and accept that you are an attractive woman."

"I am not going to walk through a mall, where there are at least hundreds of men, subjecting myself to more embarrassment." I retorted, starting to look for a suitable place to pull over and turn the car around.

"Really, Bella," she sighed, "You should be more like Rosalie, and just let it empower you. The fact that a man will get hot and bothered just by looking at you should be seen as a blessing, not a curse. You are hopeless!" she complained, throwing her little hands up exasperated.

Then her hand shot out, locking around my wrist. Damn, she had seen the turn I was going to take just up ahead. I groaned.

"Damn you Alice!" I growled.

When I glanced at her angrily she just sat there, her face sweet and innocent.

"One of these days you are going to be grateful for my gift." she told me, her voice full of promise.

"Alice," I started, hearing the deep disapproval in my voice as I went on, "Has it ever occurred to you that some things are private, and that the things you tell me are not supposed to be known until they actually happen?"

She looked at me, aghast.

I ignored her, going on, "And if it hadn't been for you I'd be in ignorant bliss about the man at the gas-station. But now I know that someone who stood behind me had certain, er—reactions when I bent over to retrieve my purse when it dropped." I shook my head not wanting the image to return to me.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Alice crossing her arms and pouting like a spoiled child.

"You are ruining my fun." she whined.

"And you are invading people's privacy." I shot back.

After a few minutes silence I sighed; it wasn't such a big deal after all. Ultimately it wasn't my problem if men had neanderthal brains. I just wished she hadn't told me.

"God!" I exclaimed, "I cannot get the damn image out of my mind Alice!"

She gave me a smug look. "Well, it was quite impressive. I bet he has no trouble satisfying his woman with-"

I blanched, "Alice!"

She burst into giggles.

"Enough. No more." I pleaded.

"All right, _all right_!"

I had wanted to go home and change into something more comfortable to go shopping in, but Alice had insisted on it being completely unnecessary.

Of course.

To Alice every day was about making a fashion statement.

So when I had realized that I needed to get more fuel I'd been terrified of getting stains on my clothes. But, as it were, that should have been the least of my worries. While I had been standing next to my car, refilling the tank, I had been completely wrapped up in thoughts about Jake. In my lack of concentration and natural affinity for being a klutz I had dropped my purse on my way to pay; bending over casually, naively to pick it up.

Not until I had been back in the car to drive off had I noticed Alice's awed expression. If I had known what had caused it I would've started the engine and driven off. But of course I didn't know, I was human, and happily unaware of what went on around me. So I had asked her, and she had filled me in on the man that had been standing next to me, refilling his own tank. However, while I was thinking about Jacob, the man next to me had been ogling me, no doubt having had fantasies of his own. Me dropping my purse had probably made his day, or as Alice so eloquently had put it, "made his manhood's day".

What kind of a word was manhood anyway? Out of all the words I had heard over the years, that were used to name it; manhood was by far the most ridiculous term out of them all.

"Where did you get that name from, Alice?" I said, blushing at my boldness to discuss it. Usually I wouldn't strike up a conversation about these things, but she had started it; now I couldn't stop myself.

"Romance novels." she told me simply.

Well, at least now I knew I wasn't missing anything then. I'd always wondered about the abundance of them. The library had had it's own section for them.

"Why would someone write about—manhood's. How is it anything to do with romance?" I blurted, unable to stifle my curiosity. I tried to think about Wuthering Heights; had there been any mention of it in there? I couldn't draw up a connection, it had been years since I had read it. I couldn't remember half of the things from the book these days.

Alice rolled her eyes at me, then she pulled something out of her bag. It was a pocketbook, on the front cover was a dark, brooding man with bushy eyebrows, his chest bare. In his arms was a young maiden, her head thrown back, lips parted. To me it looked like just being in his arms was pure ecstasy.

Then Alice opened it, skimming through, her fingers moving too fast until suddenly she stopped, having found what she was looking for.

"Ah! Here we go-" she cleared her throat, and continued in a dramatic voice, "His hands released me, moving quickly to untie his breeches. I held my breath, gazing at him in wonder as he revealed his manhood to me." She gasped dramatically, her hand fluttering to ghost across her forehead. I gaped at her.

"Bella!"

My eyes flew back to the road and I swerved just in time, throwing my car back into the lane as a horn blared angrily at me.

"Phew, that was close!" I gasped.

"All right," she said, snapping the book closed, "No more manhood for you!"

I was still in shock.

"He _revealed_ his manhood to her?" I asked, in pure disbelief. "How does a man _reveal_ his manhood!"

"Ugh. Bella. There is so much you have yet to learn." she said, shaking her head in disapproval. "Doesn't Edward teach you anything?"

"If you are suggesting I should read _that_," ignoring her snipe I shoved my finger in the direction of her purse where she had put the book, "Then I would rather remain in the dark. I think I have managed quite well so far without reading about men _revealing_ their manhood." I said dryly, pursing my lips.

"All right. What would _you_ call it then?" she asked, her voice challenging.

"W-what?" I stuttered.

"If you think it's such a silly term, then give me a better one." she chirped.

"N-no!" I sputtered.

"How about-" she paused, tapping her finger to her pursed lips, looking to be in deep thought, "Penis." she said finally, completely at ease. As if the word was used in her vocabulary daily, like 'shoe' or 'fashion'.

"How about not mentioning it at all? How about saying 'and then there he was, standing before me in all his masculine glory'?" I suggested, finding my own version much more appealing.

She groaned, "Ah yes, I forgot I was having a discussion with an admirer of Romeo & Juliet." she threw out her hands in a display of grandeur.

"What's wrong with Shakespeare?" I asked, feeling the need to defend one of my favorite writers of all time, even though he was dead and didn't need defending.

"Nothing," she glowered, "But you can't say 'masculine glory' and leave it at that. You would be a terrible romance writer. I would not want to read about 'masculine glory'." she said, her mouth twisting sourly, spitting out "masculine glory".

"No, I figured. You are a firm believer in _revealing manhood's_." I said sardonically.

With that I pulled into the large parking area outside the Mall of New Hampshire, conveniently ending the debate about the male anatomy, because Alice's attention was now miles away. Or, more accurately, only a few yards away. Either way I was happy _that_conversation was over. Immortality can't be all it's cracked up to be when a vampire is reduced to reading such poor quality nonsense.

Suddenly Alice froze, and I could tell by looking at her face that she was having one of her "revelations" about the future. I wondered if it had anything to do with Jacob. I hadn't heard from him yet.

"What is it, Alice?" I asked out of habit.

She turned to me, her eyes narrowed. "Oh," she breathed, "So _now_ you want to know?" she raised an eyebrow skeptically.

"Ugh. Never mind." I retorted, slamming the door shut and pressing the button to lock and to activate the alarm. My car beeped at me contentedly.

"Let's go find you some sexy lingerie!" she exclaimed, recovered from whatever vision she'd had. She grabbed my arm and started pulling me along.

I tried to remind myself that this was what I wanted. Why had I wanted to anyway? As she pulled me in through the glass doors I took a deep breath; now was not the time to chicken out.

My apprehension was soon replaced by curiosity, quickly changing into excitement when Alice pulled me into a shop.

"Let the fun begin!" she squealed.

My eyes scanned the interior of the store, the coloring soft and sensual. The sales lady at the counter looked up and smiled at us, opening her mouth to say something.

"We are just looking for now." Alice told her.

I looked at the disappointed woman, smiling at her apologetically. Alice just pulled me along, stopping in front of a mannequin sporting a very extravagant number.

"Wow." I gaped at it. "M-maybe I should pop the cherry first?" I suggested, not even thinking when I borrowed Jeanie's slightly unorthodox term for taking things slow, easing into things.

"What?" Alice blinked at me.

"Nothing." I blurted, waving my hand at her.

"You are so strange sometimes, Bella." she said, still looking at me oddly.

"I just meant that perhaps I should start with something less, uh—raunchy?"

"I understood, I have been around for quite some time, after all." she said, giving me a meaningful look, smirking. "I just didn't expect something like that, coming from your mouth."

"I'm not a blushing bride anymore Alice." I pointed out.

"And aren't I happy about that!" she squealed; her enthusiasm returning.

"Too happy." I muttered, but shrugged my shoulders.

I reached out, running my hand across the silky material of the corset on the mannequin. It was really soft. I blushed when I imagined trying it on. This would take some getting used to. But I had already decided that I wanted to do this. A twinge of guilt touched me when I thought about why I had wanted this.

After my visit in Forks, and after witnessing Jake's and Leah's kiss I had felt out of my depth. I had no experience of being so—passionate. They had appeared to be completely wrapped up in each other, no inhibitions. Then, when Jake had crushed me up against the side of my truck, told me to be less careful with him, I had realized that there was a lot about desire that I hadn't even known existed.

My sex life with Edward had been something amazing, sweet, and lovely. I had thought that there could be nothing better than that. Of course, as the years had passed my body had started betraying me. Something had started nagging me, and suddenly his touch had felt somehow—wrong. The chill of his body against mine had been exhilarating, arousing. But what had I really had before him to compare with? I knew it was awful of me to compare him to someone else, especially when I had no one to compare him to. But I had found that I wanted desperately to do just that. I had started _needing_ it. It was as if my body was telling me that it had had enough of my teenage infatuation.

Could it be possible that as a woman your body will tell you what you need, even if you don't know it yourself? If you love someone, is it possible to overlook certain aspects of them, out of fear of hurting them. So you continue, forcing yourself to do things your subconscious tries to tell you is wrong. You want more, no, you _need_ more.

The thought made me feel horrible. Edward loved me, it wasn't his fault that he was—a vampire.

"If this makes you cry then I would hate to see what _real_ lingerie would do to you." Alice said, making me jump.

"God!" I complained, dabbing at a tear that threatened to ruin my makeup.

"What's wrong with you?" Alice asked suspiciously.

"Nothing." I said stubbornly.

"You are a horrible liar." she reminded me.

I had been, then I had gotten better. But it seemed my new found skills were failing me. I had a pretty good guess what caused it. Jacob.

"If you don't want to do this we can-"

"No! I do! I _need_ this!" I sputtered.

Her eyes narrowed and she studied me skeptically.

"You _need_ lingerie?" her voice was doubtful, questioning my motives.

"Yes," I nodded, blinking away my tears, "It's time I started dressing accordingly." I said, my voice not as convincing as I'd hoped.

"Accordingly?" her voice had lowered, and she wrapped her icy fingers around my arms, turning me to her, fixing her golden eyes on mine. "Does this have something to do with the visions I've been having lately of divorce papers and your future blurring sporadically?"

So she did know! Of course she knew. Suck it up and be honest.

"Maybe," I edged, "God Alice, I don't know! I just—I can't-"

"Bella," she interrupted me, sighing. "I am hurt. I had hoped that you felt you could talk to me, about everything," she pleaded with me, with her eyes and her words, to see past something, to look deeper, "Absolutely _everything_," she continued in a whisper, "Even if it's about my brother. I love you, as a sister and as my very best friend, please."

I groaned, slumping my shoulders, "I'm sorry Alice. I-" I paused, wondering if I could tell her. Would she understand? Could she understand? Was I able to talk about these things without dying from ultimate mortification? "Maybe this shop is not the best place to talk about these things." I offered finally.

Her eyes lit up, "This place is perfect!" she sang, "There is a reason why they call it 'retail therapy'." she said, her voice reverent. "Now, let us pick out some items, then we will head to the cubicles for some more privacy."

So that's what we did. I tried to let go and just pick things based on curiosity and admiration rather than thinking what would suit me. I realized I had no idea what would suit me. I would have to feel my way through it. After I had the maximum amount allowed we headed for the change rooms. They were more than your average cubicle I noticed. Actual small rooms, with proper doors. Inside there was a futon, a huge mirror, even a plant. I gaped at it.

Alice sat down on the futon, folding her legs beneath her.

"Now, undress and start talking." she commanded.

"What do you want to know?" I asked, not sure where to begin.

"Let's start with why you are divorcing my brother." she suggested.

I sighed, but nodded, "I love him Alice, so please don't think that I stopped. It's just-" I choked on the words, suddenly terrified of talking about it. A blush crept into my cheeks and she eyed me curiously, then a light came on in her widened eyes and her lips formed a perfect little 'o'.

"The sex is horrible!" she exclaimed and I cringed.

"Alice! There are people here!" I protested, blushing violently. Then I lowered my voice, continuing nervously, "And the sex is not horrible. It's just-" I faltered, unable to find words.

"It's the cold, isn't it?" she asked quietly.

I nodded, looking away, focusing on removing my blouse. "But not only that. It's so—so, uh—strained. In the beginning I was constantly told to be careful, don't do this, be less this, or don't do that." I rambled, my voice barely a whisper, but I continued, feeling braver with each revelation. "When we uh, are together these days it comes natural. I am constantly living on the brink, always balancing on the edge. It has come to a stage where it's too much. I can't relax, I can't enjoy it anymore Alice. I feel horrible and terrible and I sound like some wanton harlot who wants to be consumed by the fires of passion, yet I can't even say that because I really don't know what it would be like. I didn't know anything, until. . . ." my words fell away, dying into silence.

"Until Jacob Black gave you a taste of his hotness?" she filled in my blank, and my head snapped up to stare at her.

Hotness? What was _that_ supposed to mean? Oh God! Alice knew about my infidelity!

Wait, why wasn't she angry? Why didn't she yell at me what a cheater I was and that I deserved to be burned at the stake for betraying her brother?

"It's all right Bella. I am not angry with you. He may be my brother, but you are also my sister, my best friend. I want what is best for both of you, but not at the expense of the other." she told me softly, smiling at me reassuringly.

First Edward, and now Alice! Was there no end to the leniency? What had I done to deserve such understanding friends?

Here we go again, are you ever going to eat humble pie? Accept your luck and stop whining about it! I slapped myself mentally.

I looked at Alice for a moment. Her eyes were full of love and understanding, sympathy and willingness to understand. God! I was such an idiot.

This we knew.

"Oh Alice!" I choked and threw my arms around her.

"No! Your makeup!" she wailed and stiffened.

"Forget about the goddamn makeup already!" I cried, bursting into giggles.

Her arms came around me, hugging me gently.

"At least I used waterproof mascara," she mused.

"Of course, it's your job to alleviate where I fall short." I chuckled.

"Well thank you for gracing me with such an honor." she snorted, prying my arms off her so she could hold me back. She frowned at me. "I am going to have to do something about this before we walk out of this room." she said and started fussing with my face.

I rolled my eyes at her, "Only you Alice. Only you."

She flashed her perfect teeth at me, smiling brightly. "Where would you be without me." she chirped happily.

"At home, curled up on the sofa in sweats, reading." I suggested.

"And instead you get to go shopping with your very best friend!" she beamed at me.

"All right," I pulled back further, forcing her to stop fussing with my makeup, "Let's try some of these things on."

Three hours later I sank down onto a chair in the food-court, several bags littering the floor next to us. Alice sat down, crossing her legs gingerly.

"You are beginning to show some real potential Bella. If I may say so, but this suits you. Maybe now you will come shopping with me more often." she was giving me a victorious smile.

"Yeah, shopping is so me. I was born to shop!" I exclaimed sarcastically.

"Perhaps not born to, but you could learn. You are my protege." she glanced at the various bags then nodded proudly.

Suddenly she frowned.

"It's time for me to go soon." she said in a small voice.

Huh?

"What? What do you mean? Are you going to leave me here?" I asked not quite believing what she was saying. Why on earth would Alice leave me alone, in a mall? The prospect seemed absurd. Alice would never leave a shopping spree.

She puckered up, giving me a gentle smile.

"Today is starting to look slightly blurry. I cannot see you leaving this mall." she said quietly, almost in a whisper.

My heart stuttered, and my stomach was suddenly invaded by a thousand butterflies.

Was Jake here? How was that even possible?

"Jake," his name left my lips like a plea for water in the desert.

Alice just nodded.

"I don't know what happens, I have tried to be observant. I can't smell anything yet. But the fact that within an hour you become blurry tells me that he is on his way." she didn't sound too happy about this, but she tried to tone it down for my sake.

"Oh Alice. You shouldn't leave. In fact, I don't want you to leave. Please stay." I pleaded.

She shook her head adamantly, "As much as I'd want to stay, and I think Edward will be very upset with me for leaving you alone. Especially when he finds out why. But I know that Jacob doesn't like us, and I don't want to add myself into the equation, making it difficult for him. I think that it's the right thing to do. We have interfered enough when it comes to the wolves." she said, her face taking on an odd expression.

Wait, had she seen this coming?

"Is that what you saw when we came here?" I asked.

She nodded.

"Why didn't you say anything?" I groaned.

"Because I wanted to spend some time with you, without you looking over your shoulder the whole time, pining for the hot wolf." she smiled sheepishly.

"Stop referring to him as 'hot'." I scolded, but then I softened, understanding. "It's all right. I am glad we got to spend some time together. For once I think we have both held equal appreciation for the experience of shopping." I said earnestly.

Alice's smile brightened, then suddenly her face fell and she stiffened.

"Uh oh." she whispered.

My eyes widened, and I froze. Was he here? I couldn't breathe.

"No way!" I heard an oddly familiar voice exclaim. But it wasn't the voice I had expected, or wanted. I shrunk back in my chair. Someone appeared next to us.

"Out of all places," he said, and I turned my face slowly to meet the familiar, soft brown eyes I had hoped I would never have to see again. "Celebrating graduation with shopping, so very girly." he chuckled.

"Um, hey Jon." I said uneasily.

He smiled, "Hey Bella. Before you think it, I was not following you, I'm here with friends."

A nervous laugh bubbled out of me, "I believe you."

"Who's your friend?" he turned to give Alice a polite smile.

Alice returned it, "Hello there, I'm Alice. And you are?" she asked curiously, glancing at me.

"Jonathan. I met Bella a couple of weeks back outside the library. We ended up having a very interesting chat at a Cafe. Then I invited her to a party, but she disappeared suddenly." he held out his hand to Alice while glancing at me quickly to give me a wink.

"You'll forgive me for being rude, but I have a cold and I wouldn't want you to catch anything." she winked at him.

I had just taken a sip of my coffee and suddenly it spurted out of me, spraying the table in front of us, also my blouse.

Both Alice and Jon stared at me.

I burst into laughter. My nerves were wired and the double meaning of Alice's excuse not to shake hands with Jon had been enough to send me over the edge.

"Very mature, Bella." she scolded, snorting.

"I-I'm s-so s-s-sorry!" I stuttered, gasping between fits of giggles.

"Caffeine overdose?" Jon asked, raising an eyebrow as he studied me.

I stifled back the laughter, desperately trying to get a hold of myself. I rose to my feet, giving Alice a meaningful look.

"Come help me carry the cleaning supplies. I will need several kilo's of serviettes to clean up this mess." I said to Jon, grabbing him by the arm, leading him away.

He shrugged but smiled at me happily, "You look great. I barely recognized you at first. But dang woman," he gestured, sweeping his hands up and down the length of me.

"Alice got carried away," I explained, rolling my eyes.

I walked purposefully over to the counter where the young girl looked me over, her eyes widening.

"Yes, I had a bit of an accident. Look, uh—do you have a dishcloth or something out the back that I could borrow? I really left a mess back there." I smiled at her apologetically.

"Um. Sure. Hang on a sec." she disappeared, leaving the guy who she'd been serving gaping at me.

"The coffee is great, honestly, I was just born a klutz." I blurted out when he started eying his coffee suspiciously.

"Okay," he blinked at me dumbly.

Jon was chuckling next to me, and I elbowed him, smiling weakly at the guy who was still staring at me. The girl came back, handing me a wet cloth, grinning.

"Just bring it back when you're done." she said.

I thanked her and turned around, still holding Jon's arm, making sure he was following me when I quickly made a detour, pulling him to the side toward a corridor leading off to the public toilets. His eyebrows pulled together as he eyed it, then me.

"This is looking potentially naughty," he smirked.

I stopped, then I realized what it might look like, and I blushed.

"Hey, it's fine. Whatever you want babe, I'm at your service." he winked at me, making me blush deeper. But I took a deep breath, dropping my hand from his arm.

"Jon," I began, "What happened at the party-"

"Hey," he cut me off, "I'm sorry. Forgive my stupid comment. I know what you're gonna say, and it's all good. So don't embarrass me. I don't take rejection very well." his smile was easy, his eyes kind.

"Okay," I hesitated, wondering if he really understood.

"It's a guy thing," he explained, "You're an incredibly interesting woman and any guy would be lucky to hang out with you. But my odds sucked from the start so, that's life, right?"

"Right," I grinned. "Thanks."

"Don't thank me, just; good luck with everything. I don't know anything really about you and your life, but somehow I've got my bets on the childhood sweetheart." he winked at me. Then he leaned in and gave me a peck on the cheek.

"Take care." he said, then he turned around and left.

I watched him walk away, thinking that I was really happy I had met him.

Then suddenly I remembered Alice, and the mess I had to clean up. So I hurried back to where she was waiting. She had a smirk on her face.

"I don't want to know, Alice." I warned her, and she shrugged her shoulders, looking at me like she had no idea what I was talking about. "I already know he likes me." I explained.

After I had wiped up my mess I went to return the cloth. Before I went back I bought a bread roll, thinking I would still the churning in my stomach.

Alice seemed a little distracted, as if she kept having visions. I asked her what was going on, and she told me that things kept changing. In the end we decided that she would not leave. At least not alone. I was getting tired and she couldn't get any readings that made any sense.

On the way back she kept having this far away look on her face, and she told me that it seemed a big possibility that Jacob was already there, somewhere close to mine and Edward's apartment. She tried hard to see something but the closer to home we got, the more confusing her visions became.

When I pulled into my parking space I was looking around nervously, wondering if he was here. But there was nothing out of place. Everything seemed in order. So finally Alice decided to come up with me, to see if Edward had picked up on anything. He was no doubt keeping an ear out for Jacob's thoughts.

Edward looked strained when we came into the apartment.

"Yes," he said. Answering a silent question from Alice I guessed. "He is here, somewhere."

I gasped.

"He hasn't been up here has he?" I asked, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable. I didn't want Jake to come here, to mine and Edward's apartment.

"No," Alice said. "This place would stink if he had." she grimaced.

"He hasn't called you or sent messages?" Edward asked me, his face suddenly stoic.

"No." I told him.

It bothered me that he hadn't called. Had he changed his mind?

"I still don't understand him," Edward said, his face showing a hint of irritation. "He is irrational and impulsive. He has little care for anyone but himself and what he wants." he pointed out, like he was trying to convince me of something. But I didn't know what.

"Edward," I pleaded. "Please don't. I can't hear those things from you. It was one thing back then, with all that was going on. But I am not going to stand here and listen to one bad thing about Jacob; not _one_. If you want to slander him, then I will leave and go with Alice."

"Bella," he began, coming toward me. I stiffened. "Let me say just one thing, then I will let it alone." he bargained, his eyes burning.

"All right. One thing." I nodded at him, crossing my arms.

"When you see him. Ask about the letter he sent me. I do not want you to get hurt if his being here is only to do with getting payback." his voice was pained, angry, remorseful.

I nodded once, "Trust me. I would have asked even if you hadn't asked me to."

Jacob had already explained it, but I was almost certain there was more to it. I refused to believe that he did it just to get back at me, or at Edward. Even after the pain I had caused him I found it hard to believe that Jacob could have fallen so hard, that he would stoop down to subject himself to revenge. I refused to believe it.

"I think that we should give him a little credit. He has traveled here by himself, Edward," Alice spoke up, her voice conflicted, "While I don't condone of his past actions, I do believe that people change. Humans especially, and Jacob; even though he is what he is; he was only a teenager back then. A lot younger than Bella." she offered.

My head turned slowly to Alice, staring at her in awe. Tears stung my eyes and my heart squeezed.

Edward didn't like this, and quickly retaliated.

"I have a letter to prove otherwise. But I believe that he should get a chance to explain himself to Bella. I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt to do that. If he can't then the letter will speak for itself." he said flatly.

"You haven't shown her the letter?" Alice asked, disbelieving.

"No. It was addressed to me. Not her." he explained defensively.

There was a short moments silence. Then Edward growled, making me look between them, wondering what she was telling him.

"I am standing right here." I snapped. "So stop it. I am tired of this." I threw my hands up, the bags in my hands clashing around me. Then I stalked toward the bedroom to put my shopping away.

After a few minutes Edward came to stand in the doorway. I didn't see him, but I felt him. He was making the irritation bubble up inside me, and I bit my tongue.

"Bella. I am sorry if I hurt you. I am just concerned. Time and again he proved that he was just a-"

"Edward." I warned him. "Not one word. I am not a child anymore, and I will not have you stand there, thinking that you know better than me. I may not know all that much yet, but when it comes to Jacob I know a lot more than you do, even if you _can_ read his mind, and I can't. You should know very well that thoughts can be conflicted, and more often than not they act as ones personal advocate. So you cannot—no, I will not _allow_ you to judge him by what you have read in his mind once upon a time." I turned and faced him, fixing my eyes on his, trying to get him to understand me.

When he didn't say anything I continued.

"Tell me; have you always spoken your exact thoughts? Does anybody ever do that? I know I don't. What I think and what I say are very different. My words are filtered, my thoughts are tangled and there is not a chance I would be able to put my thoughts into exact words. They just wouldn't end up the way I thought them."

Edward stared at me.

"Have you heard the saying 'a picture says more than a thousand words'? Well, there's food for thought." I finished. I hated being harsh. I hated the icy tone in my voice. After all the times Edward had bashed Jacob in front of me as a teenager I felt that now, when I believed in what I was saying, and I believed that Jacob did care; no matter what, he didn't deserve Edwards skepticism.

With that I walked around Edward, my training clothes folded under my arm. I went straight for the bathroom, closing the door behind me. After quickly having washed off the makeup I got changed. I tried to work out the knots in my hair, yanking roughly in my state of irritation. Finally I just pulled it all back into lazy ponytail.

When I came back outside Edward was still standing in the doorway to our bedroom. I sighed and picked up my trainers, walking over to him.

"Look, I am sorry for being so harsh. I just think that all things considered, if this is still about my safety, then the points in your favor are the years you have had to deal with what you are. Nothing more." I said it firmly.

His expression crumpled and suddenly he looked pained, "I really am sorry. You are right. I have no right. But I mean it when I want you to confront him about the letter. That is nothing to do with what we are, but _who_ he has become. I know you care about him, a great deal. I just don't want to see you hurting. Ultimately your happiness has always, and will always been my number one priority, above all else." He reached out and brushed the back of his fingers along my cheek, then he looked down at me, smiling. "Are you going for a run?"

I sighed and grinned, "Yes. I missed out on it yesterday; again."

He nodded, "All right. I will see you when you come back." he brushed his lips over the top of my head.

I kneeled down to pull on my trainers, then I gave him a smile. On my way out I picked up my purse and my keys, closing the door behind me.

There was a running track about a ten minute drive from our apartment complex. Once in my car I picked up my phone and checked it.

No missed calls.

No messages.

Was he really here?

I sighed and started the engine, reversing out.

The drive to the track passed in a blur, so did my run. Although I felt a thousand times better once I was done. All day I had been tense, wondering where and when Jacob would show up. With each passing hour my hopes dwindled, and I started feeling as if he wouldn't show up at all. Maybe he had come here but had changed his mind and gone back.

When I drive into my parking space I picked up my phone, deciding to call Leah and ask her if she had heard from Jake. It was the only person I guessed would know his whereabouts.

It rang a few times but she did pick up.

"I am guessing you are calling to ask about Jake." came her flat voice.

"Hey Leah. Yes, I am. I haven't heard from him." I said, feeling very tired suddenly.

"That might be because he broke his phone." she snorted.

My eyes widened, so he _had_ broken his phone last night. God—I felt so relieved.

"How do you know?" I asked then.

"He called me from the airport last night to tell me. He asked me to pass it on to you. I guess he knew you were going to freak out and call me." her voice was cold and sarcastic.

"So, he hasn't called again?"

"Nope. Maybe he got lost." she laughed.

Jake, getting lost? Was that even possible for them?

"Well. If he calls, tell him—to call me back." I asked, getting out of the car. "Thanks Leah, for everything. Even if you don't like me. You've got balls."

I heard her snort, and something else. It sounded like a chuckle, but not Leah's.

"If you fuck him up again, I'll be the next one paying you a visit. I can't promise I'll be gentle, it's not in my nature." she sneered, but I could hear the smile in her voice.

"I'll keep that in mind. Bye Leah."

The line went dead.

I took a deep breath. That woman scared the crap out of me.

"She's all talk you know." came a deep, husky voice. It was so beautiful my heart ached.

I spun around, and there he stood. Hands in his pockets, a smirk curving his full lips.

My heart stopped. It was as if someone had opened a gateway to the past. The cold mask was gone, the hard set of his jaw had faded and his eyes—oh God his eyes. They pierced right through to my soul, setting my insides on fire. My Jacob. With his eyes alone he drew me toward him where he stood, and if there had ever existed a chance to go back to set things right, then it was right here, and I felt it as I walked down the path leading up to our courtyard. Right here, by some miracle, was my very own road to yesterday.

He caught me, the heat of his arms wrapping around me, pulling me into him. My own hands crept up his chest and my cheek found its way familiarly to his chest, where the sound of his heartbeat brought my own to life. I turned my face, burying my nose in his warmth, breathing him in. The familiar smell of earth and musk washed through me. I was no longer in New Hampshire, I was enveloped in the warmth and security that was Jacob.

I felt his cheek come to rest against the top of my head, his burning arms squeezing me tighter.

"I can't believe you made me drag my ass all the way out here," he said; a low, throaty chuckle vibrating through his chest. "But I'm glad you did." he murmured, his lips moving against my hair.

There were no words to describe what I felt in that moment. I was still in silent awe, still half doubting that this was real and that he was here. But the longer I stood there, his heat radiating through me, making my heart race and my head spin, I had to start believing.

"Jake," I sighed his name, reveling in how it felt rolling over my tongue, the way it caressed my lips. I never wanted to stop saying it.

"I'm here, honey." his hands moved down my back as he relinquished his hold on me. I nearly cried out as cool air washed over me. "Hey, let me look at you." he urged when I pressed myself tighter against him. I shook my head fervently, making him laugh. "You're still just as stubborn." he teased. "All right," he said decisively, sighing.. His hands continued down across the small of my back, sending shivers up my spine. My heart rate picked up when I felt them burning a trail over the curve of my butt. Without warning his fingers dug into my flesh and I was hitched up against him, his hands now cupping my thighs, the heat of his stomach burning me. I met his dark eyes glinting with mischievous mirth. I sucked in a sharp breath when his hands clutched me closer, and I reacted automatically by wrapping my legs around his waist. My hands traveled up over his chest by their own accord, feeling the muscle ripple beneath them as he shifted me in his arms.

"So tell me; why can't you stop thinking about me?" he asked, his hot breath washing over my face, turning my brain to mush.

"Uh," I tried to find words, but nothing came to mind.

His low chuckle vibrated through me again, making my whole body go weak. How did he do this to me? I was at his mercy.

My eyes dropped to his sensual mouth, and I suddenly didn't want anything else but to press my lips against it. To taste him, feel his tongue possess me like that day in his garage. He studied me knowingly, a smile playing on his lips. Why didn't he kiss me? If he didn't kiss me soon-

His husky whisper interrupted my thoughts, "Bells. You can't look at me like that."

Huh? How? Why not?

"What?" I blinked at him.

"Tell me." he demanded.

Tell him what?

"Tell you what?" I asked, coming out of my daze.

"Why can't you stop thinking about me?" he asked, his voice soft.

Because I need you, because I want you, because I love you—pick one.

"Because I want you," I blurted.

Great, he's going to think you're exactly what he thought you were. Sex starved. But I am!

"And I need you," I added in a small voice.

His heart was pounding beneath my hands. His breaths shallow.

"And?" he whispered.

I love you.

Why is it so difficult to say? What are you waiting for? For him to say it first! Yeah right, as if he is going to offer me his heart on a platter again after everything that happened. I would have to be the one to lay everything on the line this time. Like he had done for me.

"And-" I chewed my lip, watching his face. "God! Because I love you, all right? I love you and need you and you have no idea how much I miss you!"

I gasped as his mouth claimed mine, his tongue darting out to meet me, tangling and dancing. God, his taste. I was being consumed right here, beneath mine and Edward's balcony five stories up but I couldn't stop. I didn't _want_ to stop. The fire was back, the embers of passion coming back to life, igniting the desire I'd been dying to feel. All that was needed was Jacob, his burning hands moving over my body, like flames licking my skin. I was sinking deeper, feeling my whole being melding together with his.

I pulled back slightly, for breath and to tell him, "Jake. Please..." my plea fell short.

Make love to me, take me, have your way with me—I don't care, just do something and take away this pain inside me. God! Could I be any needier? I couldn't expect him to come here, after four years of thinking I didn't want him, only to throw myself at him and expect him to have sex with me. Could I?

I gazed into his smoldering eyes. Could he want me? He had said I was his. He didn't want anyone else to touch me. That meant he wanted to do that part, right? Didn't it?

"What Bells?"

I couldn't say it, I didn't dare to. I was too chicken.

But I could show him.

My hands slid across his shoulders, around the back, circling his neck. My eyes flickered from his bewildered eyes to his lips, his strong jaw, his neck. A whole wonderland was opening up before me and I hadn't even seen his full body yet.

"Bells?" he asked again, his voice rough and deep, sending sparks flying through me.

I pressed my lips against his full mouth again, they molded to mine questioningly. But it wasn't enough, so I moved on, dragging my lips down his chin, along his jaw, grazing my teeth across the smooth skin, tasting—oh God but he tasted so damn good. When I came to the skin just beneath the soft flesh of his earlobe my tongue darted out, tasting more of him, licking up along the back of his ear. I thought I was going to die when he froze, pulling away from me.

"No," I whimpered, "Please Jake," I couldn't believe I was reduced to begging. Since when had I needed to beg for anything from Jacob? He had always been happy to give whatever I wanted, whatever I needed.

His voice was strained when he spoke, "Bella, what are you doing?" the question sounded more like a plea for sanity, to spare him from pain.

"I—I am, I mean I want—_you_." I stuttered, rambling, begging still.

"I am not going to have sex with you honey." he said, and he may as well have poured a bucket of icy water over me, because I froze.

"You—don't you want me anymore?" I whispered, feeling the tears prickling my eyes.

What had I done wrong?

Everything! Give the poor man a break!

I heard him groan, and swear. Foul language rushed out of his mouth, and I frowned.

"Dammit Bells, you don't know what you're talking about. Don't ask me stupid questions," he snapped. He unwound me from him, lowering me to the ground, but only to capture my face between his scorching palms. "Look at me, and believe when I tell you that there is nothing I'd rather do right now than to make love to you. God," he sucked in a sharp breath, "Denying you is like denying air, but fuck. I am not going to give the last pieces I have left just to watch you walk away from me again."

I blinked as I stared into his dark eyes, they were full of desire, fiery passion. My knee's felt like jell-o.

"I'm not—Jake I wouldn't-"

He cut me off with a growl, "You may say that now, but what happens afterward Bells? You go back to him?" he jerked his chin toward the apartment complex behind me. "He can't give you what you need, so you call your best friend Jacob who comes running, because he's always willing to bleed for you. Well honey, not anymore. I am not giving anything more unless I get something in return." his eyes bore into me, begging me to see that he needed me to make sacrifices too.

"Anything Jake, anything you want, just tell me." I blurted without hesitation.

Something flashed in his eyes—pain. We had been here before. Me promising anything when I hadn't realized what he would ask for. But what could he possibly ask for now that I wasn't willing to give, or that I hadn't already decided to give up?

"I ain't putting any part of my body near yours while you're still a Cullen." he said coldly. "I can kiss you, and I can touch you, but you can't have _all of me_ if _you're_ not mine to have." his eyes told me what he meant, and I understood. Suddenly I was angry.

Since when had he started caring about these things? Besides, my last name was just a piece of paper. Edward didn't own me. I wasn't his property, I belonged to whomever I chose to belong to. Why was he going to be an ass about it?

"What is the difference between your lips and your—your—ugh!"

And I was not going to use the word 'manhood', goddammit!

A cold smirk curved his lips. God I wanted to kiss him again.

"Take it or leave it, Bells." he challenged.

Oh how I hated him, the smug bastard. But God, I loved him more!

"For your information, Jacob; me and Edward have decided to get a divorce. _Before_ you even came here." I snapped, glaring at him.

His eyes widened, his mouth hung open—I wanted that mouth.

What the hell was wrong with me? It had to be something to do with Jacob. I hadn't been like this, _ever_ before. No one affected me the way Jacob did.

"You're lying," he whispered. "You're trying to trick me."

I blinked at him dumbly. Trick him? Why the-

"Why the hell would I trick you, Jake? I love you. I'm sorry about all the crap I put you through once, but—hey, wait a minute," I gasped.

The letter. His letter.

"Speaking of tricking—what the hell was that letter about Jacob, huh? Don't stand here and talk about tricks and deceit. You better have a good explanation for that."

I could see him flinch. Then he sighed, his shoulders slumping, but not releasing me.

"All right. I was pissed off, I wanted payback for your beloved leech's wedding invitation, telling me so fucking eloquently that he would have wanted the same if our situations had been reversed, so I gave it to him. I wanted to shove it down his throat, so he knew how that shit don't fly!" he snarled, suddenly trembling. I felt the vibrations going straight through my brain.

"Get your hands _off_ her Black." came Edwards livid hiss from behind me.

I groaned.

Suddenly his hands were gone from my face and I saw Jacob had removed himself several feet from me. He stood there, shuddering.

"I've cursed the day I would lay my eyes on you again, leech." he snarled, glaring past me, his eyes black with hatred.

"Can't say I have been holding my breath to see you either, dog." Edward replied calmly, smoothly. "Yet here you are, trying to push your way through, trying to gain her trust through threats and ultimatums. I was trying to tell her that you haven't changed. But she loves you, so she refused to believe me. I am glad she will see you for what you really are before she goes and makes yet another mistake. You walked yourself right into it again, didn't you Jacob?" his voice was flat.

I could see that Jacob was fighting with himself now, really fighting. His face was turning into the cold mask I had witnessed two weeks ago. Why? How did it come to this. My fault again, of course it was my fault. If I could have just kept my mouth shut. Why did I have to go and demand everything when I knew I'd hurt him and he couldn't just open up and put everything down on the line for me. Not like he used to. I had done too much damage, I could see that now.

Then Jacob laughed. A cold, hard and bitter sound, stabbing me painfully.

"Oh my God, are you for real? You're deluded." he gasped between guffaws. Then he turned to me, his harsh stare making me flinch. "And you agree with him I guess. As per-fucking-usual. God, I don't know who is the biggest fool here; you or me." he said in disbelief, "I actually thought that I would at least see some change. But now I see that I am still beating my head against a brick wall. Great. Just fan-fucking-tastic." he raged.

"Stop swearing!" I yelled at him, tears stinging my eyes again.

Edward softened his voice, "Bella, you should go inside-"

"God Edward!" I snapped. "Do. Not. _Tell_ me what to do!"

His voice was pleading, his icy hand touched my arm to get me to relent. I all _but_ relented. Something inside me snapped.

"Go back inside, Edward. I will handle this. _My way_." I retorted, facing him fully, "Can't you see that you are making things worse by your mere presence? Because of you we are in this mess, because you are confusing the battle between man and woman with the battle between good versus evil! _GO!_" I shouted at him. I had had enough. "Jacob will _not_ hurt me!"

Edward looked at me, then at Jacob, "Hurt her, and you will regret the day you were born."

Jacob laughed, "I already regret that day, thanks to you."

I whirled on Jacob, "Stop it." I spat. "Enough already. God."

We stood there for a long while, glaring at each other. At some point Edward left, and I felt the guilt gnawing at me again. But I'd had enough. I couldn't stand them fighting like this. It was no longer about my safety, we had been through that. It was over and done with. Whatever was left to mend was between me and Jacob, his heart and my guilt. He didn't trust me anymore; he wanted to, but he didn't dare to. I had to do something to earn that trust back. I _needed_ to fix this, because the longer I stared at him, the more I saw of the damage I had done; the pain I had caused him.

I took a deep breath and deactivated the alarm to my car, unlocking it.

"Get in, we're going for a drive." I ordered, not really stopping to see if he would follow. I knew that he would. After all I did know that no matter what, in the end Jacob would come for me, no matter how much it hurt him. But this time around I would be grateful, and show it. I would appreciate what he did, and understand the pain it had caused him to love me.


	10. Everything's Made to be Broken

_And all I can taste is this moment  
And all I can breathe is your life  
Cause sooner or later it's over  
I just don't want to miss you tonight_

_Iris  
By  
Goo Goo Dolls_

**~* Everything's Made to be Broken *~**

_**Edward...**_

I had a good mind to drive him. In all my years I had come across all matter of characters. But there was one person, one mind that no matter how much I tried for Bella's sake to be understanding, that drove me to madness.

It was with great restraint that I turned and walked away. She asked me to trust her judgment, and as much as I wanted to believe her I couldn't get past the mind that was Jacob Black.

He could put up a good fight, his thoughts caused as much of a ruckus as his foul mouth. It baffled me that a delicate woman like Bella would find anything at all about him remotely appealing. But of course, I was not completely the imbecile.

Hadn't I tried when she was a teenager to convince her of what I knew was to come. After having spent the better part of a century among humans there was one very important thing I had come to learn about them.

Nothing drives a man to insanity the way the desires of the flesh can do. The same can be said for women–of all ages. Love heightens that drive. Lust alone was not in itself a very strong emotion. But add it into the equation of love and there you will have the recipe to bring any man or woman over the brink of all rational thought.

Bella.

So beautiful, and so unaware of her affect on men. Especially ignorant when it came to Jacob. He would use it against her, to get his way. I wasn't yet certain of whether she was just a conquest to him. The forbidden fruit, the one he has always fought to have. But she kept denying him, and it drove him to madness. If I had thought that he was a young and volatile werewolf when he was but a boy, as a man and in tune with how to seduce a woman I feared that he would make Bella do anything. Especially due to my own shortfalls.

I sighed and raked my hands through my hair.

Hadn't I known that I would not be good enough for her. If the fact that I was a soulless creature, a monster, was not enough. My cold skin, the dangers of giving in fully to my desires and hers was constantly playing on my mind. In all honesty I was happy that she had finally seen the truth, but at the same time I cursed my ill fate. How many times when we had made love had I not wished I could just let go. She had been too much for me at one point. I had wanted to reject her, make her see sense that it was impossible that we continue this farce–the horrible excuse for lovemaking—while she was still soft, breakable, so human.

But true to the bill she had stooped to begging, to bargaining. How could I say no when she was willing to add a few years to her precious human life? I couldn't, and I didn't. I was able to keep myself in check, as much as it hurt to do it. The pain from not being able to please her fully or to allow her to do the tings she wanted had been pure agony. But I loved her, and I hoped that through the bargain, by some miracle, that she would grow up and see sense.

Why would a man want the woman he loves to see that there is a world without him? That question was both easy and difficult to answer. As a man I couldn't, and I had to fight against my own selfishness that wanted to keep her with me for eternity. But I was so little part man, and such an irrevocable part vampire, that in the end it had been a simple decision.

All I did was for Bella. It was with a great joy I welcomed her change of heart. But with immense pain that I would allow her to leave; and leave she would. No shadow of a doubt existed in my mind that she had decided to remain human, but also to divorce me.

She truly was my retribution. Only through her could I cleanse some part of the actions I had indulged in during my first years as an immortal.

When I had met her it had been my first instinct to claim her, then to run, thirdly submission. I had been compelled to be near her, to speak with her, to figure out her mysterious mind.

I hadn't even known I could be capable of such complete love. I had spent enough time around my siblings, with Carlisle and Esme. I had secretly longed for what they had. For it to come to me in the form of a human girl was the least and the last thing I expected.

When Alice had told me that she would become one of us I had embarked upon the greatest fight of my existence. There was not a chance I would allow such an atrocity. As time passed on, and the more I got to learn about her the more I was convinced that to rip her from her world into my own of constant darkness would be the ultimate crime. If we weren't damned already, then that would have sealed my fate.

She has tested me, fought me, loved me and made me love more than I could ever have hoped. The least I could do was to invest a sliver of faith in Jacob; for Bella. I would do anything for her. I was; and even though every instinct told me that the young man was nothing but a scoundrel I knew where her heart lay. I also knew that she loved me enough that she could possibly deny herself if I did not give in. To call my dilemma difficult or complicated would be an understatement. The implications of this situation was far beyond anything else I had experienced, and it took every part of me to retain my sanity.

I decided I would go visit my family when the Guardian roared to life, the wheels screeching as the tread burned marks into the asphalt. A slight smile twisted the corner of my mouth. Bella had certainly learned to appreciate the advantages of a _real_ car.

"Brother, you look like shit." came Emmet's comment the moment I came into the living room where he sat with Jasper, trying to outsmart him in a game on the gaming console. How did they manage to amuse themselves by that nonsense?

"Thank you, somehow your observation was well needed." I replied flatly, seating myself on the sofa, trying to find the fascination in the flickering images on the flat screen.

Jasper tried to cheer me up, but I shot him an irritated glare.

"Yes, I forgot, you like to wallow in misery. Forgive me." he said, chuckling.

Alice came dancing into the room, flipping herself onto the sofa next to me.

"Oh Edward, don't be such a grump. Bella is quite capable of taking care of herself. She is not your average human." she comforted, patting my shoulder.

"Perhaps not, but neither is Jacob, and it's him that I am worried about, not Bella. He is manipulating her. His mind is a cesspool!" I exclaimed, my frustration slipping through the cracks.

"Bella is attractive, any man's mind is a cesspool around her." Emmet guffawed.

I picked up a heavy ornament and hurled it at his head. It ricocheted off him, chipping the wall and the polished floor before rolling across it to a stop at Rosalie's feet.

"Very mature, Edward." she hissed, picking it up to glare at me then she turned her vicious eyes in Emmet's direction.

"Oh come on babe, I was just stating a fact. You know all I see is you." he groveled.

"I know very well what you see." she snapped.

I buried my face in my hands, wanting to pull my face off. Being in the right state of mind for Rosalie was always a feat, but this evening I was less tolerant.

"Stop wallowing Edward," she snorted, "Bella is finally making the right choice. Even if she goes after a dog. Suits perfectly if you think about it. I bet she-"

"_QUIET!_" I roared, whirling on her.

She didn't even flinch, smirking at me.

Rosalie's thoughts were as foul as Emmet's sometimes. The antics they got up to was beyond proper. Adding my Bella in the mix with such feral acts was all I needed to send me over the edge.

_When will you show me the letter?_

"_NEVER!_" I bellowed at Alice's silent question.

It had been painful enough to read it once. I would not pass it around to my family for them to torture me with for all of eternity. Let alone drag Bella's fidelity through the mud. It was not something that was supposed to be witnessed. Jacob could have told me they "made out" and it would have been enough. But I knew that he wouldn't settle for that. He wanted to hurt me, and he wanted revenge. It had been obvious when he threw my own words back in my face.

It had been a mistake to send him the invitation. I had known that already before he showed up at the wedding and nearly mauled her. But I had tried to act as an advocate. I knew she loved him and that she hated hurting him. Also I knew that in his own, albeit odd way, he loved her to some extent. Truly I did feel I would have appreciated the choice to be given to me had I been in his shoes. But as it would turn out, being in Jacob Black's shoes was not something that could be imagined nor fathomed. His train of thought was as twisted as it was foul. As much as I envied him his humanity I could not bring myself to envy him anything more, even if he won Bella over in the end. I would not be able to lower myself to his level to win her love. Although what didn't occur to Jacob was that he already had it.

"What am I missing?" Emmet piped up, looking from me to Alice's irritated expression.

"Nothing." I sighed.

"Edward won't show me the letter Jacob sent him." Alice complained next to me, pouting.

"I am trying to protect Bella. How do you not see that?" I asked her in disbelief that she was so intent on reading the damn thing. "It should tell you enough that he is a mongrel, and that nothing he could write about himself and Bella would be something she would want any of us to know."

"Wow. Did he send you some kind of dirty-deed story, bro?" Emmet turned, having completely lost interest in the game now.

I groaned and Rosalie hissed.

"Trust you to be interested in that." she spat.

"What? Hey, this I've gotta see!" He shouted.

"Indeed, and me too!" Alice chirped.

I stared at them, flabbergasted. How did it not concern them that Bella's virtue was being blemished? Did they _want_ to read about her private encounter with Jacob? I couldn't believe my ears—or their thoughts!

_Come on bro, don't be such a spoil sport!_

_Please, Edward. Please!_

"Enough!" I exclaimed, feeling my control wafting out the window, then I stood and smoothed my pants. "You ought to all be ashamed of yourselves!" I retorted.

My family was not going to alleviate my torment; if anything they only made it worse.

"I am leaving. Let me know when you decide to grow a conscience."

With that I left. I wasn't going to stay there and listen to their incessant begging and pleading to read about implicating details of Jacob's twisted fantasies. As it were, there was still no way of telling how much of it was made up or how much was wishful thinking on his part.

But it mattered little. Ultimately she had confirmed it, without even reading. Her mortified expression had been enough for me to judge that his story held some truth.

Now it was just a matter of time before he would manage to seduce her. She was a healthy young woman. And he—well, he was more than happy to oblige. Apart from the fact that he seemed to hold some sort of a grudge over her last name. I understood the sentiment, but I didn't understand why all of a sudden such things would even matter to him. Hadn't he tried to get her to act dishonorably on previous occasions? Somehow I doubted he was worried about his own virtue.

Oh but the boy baffled me to no end. It would be best if I just did as Bella asked me, and tried not to get involved. I would let her take care of it herself. In the end, she was correct. This wasn't about her safety anymore, it was about making a choice. I had wanted her to have choices, and now she was putting her options to use. Even if I didn't agree with it, I would let it go. _I_ had no other choice but to accept this.


	11. Stay

_It's the little things, little things, little things, that make the world._

_By  
Poets of the Fall_

**~* Stay *~**

_**Jacob...**_

I hadn't been one hundred about getting into the car with her. But I figured that it was a surefire way to put some distance between me and the temptation to break down the door to their little love-nest and bash the crap out of the leech. I'd seen him standing there, all mighty and self-righteous, with that disgustingly smug look on his face. He had been taking a dive through my brain. It wasn't hard to guess.

Bella was pretty pissed. Can't say I hadn't enjoyed it when she told him to butt out. About time she stood up to him and told him where to stick his overbearing attitude. At first I thought he would get all miserable and start begging her to see sense and refuse to leave, pulling some excuse out his ass that I couldn't control myself. Truth was though, him being there made it pretty damn difficult. But he had, to my great surprise, left.

When she'd started pulling that seductive crap on me I'd thought I would lose it. Then when I'd tried to get her off me to save ourselves from the embarrassment of me taking advantage of her right there in front of her neighbors, she had freaked out. How many kinds of stupid was she if she thought I didn't want her? Maybe _she_ had spent her past four years in marital bliss, only to figure out during that time that all she was missing was a bit of—human contact. But while she'd been living it up Cullen-style I'd been trying to pick up the pieces she'd left me in. I wasn't going to just fall for yet another request where she insisted she needed me. No matter how much I wanted her.

She had witnessed just how messed up I was when she came to her dad's wedding. Maybe she just wanted to relieve her guilt. Did she really think that I was that shallow that I would settle for her body? I wanted all of her, her heart and her mind too; everything. There was just no way I'd give in to her unless she somehow proved to me that she wouldn't run back to her leech as soon as she realized, again, that her feelings for me weren't enough.

She had told me she loved me, and she needed me—God, she wanted me. She had showed me all right, and it had been agony fighting her off.

Was she really serious though; was she going to divorce him? It had been a shock. It was damn hard to believe it was true.

"What are you thinking?" she asked me carefully.

"Are you really gonna divorce him?" I replied, watching her profile. She was chewing on her lip. Nervous? Unsure?

"Yes." she whispered.

"Why?" I had to ask, I had to know her reasons. I didn't want to second guess her motives all the time. If she wanted to make a believer out of me she had to cough up on something to make me see it. I mean—I wanted to believe. The words alone caused my heart to do flips. But I wanted more, I wanted to hear her reasoning.

She sighed, "For many reasons, but mostly because things just aren't the same between me and Edward anymore." she explained simply.

Not the same—what exactly did she mean by that. She didn't love him as much anymore? Living with a bloodsucker was boring? Scary, creepy? Or was it all about the physical aspect. I shuddered; that was just sick. Had she even? God, I had to ask, I couldn't take it anymore.

"When was the last time you had sex with him?" I asked, nearly gagging on the words.

She sucked in a sharp breath, "That's none of your business." she snapped.

"The hell it isn't, you made it my business when you tried to get into my pants. If you want any part of me Bells, you're gonna have to be honest with me. I'm not gonna be jerked around." I didn't mean to be so cold, but I'd spent the last four years trying _not_ to feel. It was damn difficult letting go.

"Not since I came back from dad's wedding. I tried, but we didn't get very far. I just couldn't do it anymore." she said weakly. Her voice trembled and she was blushing. So, it made _her_ uncomfortable talking about it? Could she imagine what it felt like for _me_? I didn't want to talk about it but I had to, I was compelled to know.

"What changed?" I probed. However repulsive it was, I had to know more.

"Jake. Please," she whispered. "Do we have to talk about that?"

"Yeah. We do." I snapped.

She stiffened, "What is wrong with you?" she hissed and glanced at me quickly.

"What's wrong with me? I want to make sure that if I do give in to you, you won't run back to the corpse and have se—" I couldn't say it. I'd had enough of saying that shit out loud.

"Will you stop referring to him as something dead." she hissed under her breath. "I know you don't like him-"

"Don't like him?" I interrupted, disbelieving. "Whatever gave you that impression. I _hate_ the freak. He is an abomination, he shouldn't even exist. Neither should I, but at least I have a pulse, at least I don't survive on killing life!" I snapped.

She slammed on the breaks, the car skidding and fish-tailing until we jerked to a stop.

"What the fu-"

"Shut up!" she shouted at me. "Stop swearing, for starters. Secondly; is this about _us_ or is it about Edward?"

I couldn't help the grim smile; she was still feisty when it came to defending her bloodsucking lover.

"It's about all three of us, seeing as you're married to him." I pointed out simply.

"But not for long." she reminded me.

"Doesn't matter. You live with him. You sleep in the same bed as him. Shit, you sleep and he probably just watches you all night like the stalker freak that he is."

She flinched, and suddenly I could see the tears in her eyes. "If you can't stop it Jacob, then I'm gonna ask you to get out of my car. I _don't_ want to fight with you!" her voice was cracking, and I felt like a royal ass.

"God Bella, do you think I _want_ to fight with you?"

Why were we fighting? We always did this. Somehow we always ended up arguing about crap. I was sick and tired of doing it, sick to death of those freaking leeches in her life. Tired of hurting because she had picked him instead of me. Pissed that I couldn't suppress the flood of emotions she had unleashed in me.

"There's a lot of things you say you want and don't want, but you're still sitting there like a damn rock. At least Edward tries, he doesn't pretend with me. He told me to go to that party and to enjoy myself. He wouldn't have cared if I _had_ ended up kissing Jon! He just wants me to be happy!"

I saw red. Now the shithead had a name? Without a second thought I flung the door open and got out of the car.

"Fuck this." I growled and slammed the door.

We were in the middle of a goddamn forest!

Her door opened and closed, and she rounded the car, her face pained, big fat tears rolling down her pink cheeks. She took my breath away.

"So that's it? You come here, throw a tantrum, and then give up? What happened to you Jake? You used to fight, you were a _fighter_. What the hell happened to you?"

"_You_ happened to me Bella. _You_. You tore me to pieces and left me to bleed to death. Don't expect this to be easy for me. If you wanted an easy fuck you should have picked that Jon you just told me about!" I snarled at her. Not that I wanted her with anyone but me, no matter the reasons. But hearing another man's name on her lips was enough to make me want to hurt her back.

She gaped at me, but then she bounced back impressively fast.

"Did it occur to you that I didn't pick him because I _didn't_ want an easy—fuck!" she exploded, her hands balling into little fists as she started pummeling my chest. And she kept going. Holy shit she was gonna kill herself. "Did it enter your thick head that I just wanted to fuck _you_! Because I have spent the last _four years_ wondering what it would've been like!" she was in hysterics, and all I could do was to smile. God she was beautiful when she was angry.

"Bells," I said softly, trying not to laugh, "Did you just say you wanted to _fuck_ me?" I asked, unable to hide my amusement.

"_Yes!_" she screamed.

I couldn't hold back any longer. I started laughing.

"As adorable as you are when you're angry honey, please don't use that word again; it doesn't suit you." I closed my hands around her fists carefully, so she wouldn't hurt herself.

She struggled against me, still crying.

"Then don't _you_ use it. If you're gonna use it, then so will I. Take your pick." she said between sobs.

"All right, I'll try." I agreed, smiling down at her. "Now, calm down."

At least she stopped struggling against me, but she kept crying, so I wrapped my arms around her, hugging her tightly to me.

"I'm sorry honey, I don't mean to be such an ass." I murmured against the top of her head, stroking her soft hair.

When the sobbing subsided I pulled back, placing a finger under her chin, tilting her head so she would look at me. Her eyes lifted to meet mine, open and honest. I could see the pain there, she didn't hide anything from me now. Warmth surged through me as I stood there, transfixed by her mesmerizing gaze. Damn I loved her. There was no denying how much I felt for her.

It wasn't really the time nor the place to be playing hard to get. If I was gonna get hurt I'd get hurt no matter what happened. Even if I left her now and went back to La Push I knew that my heart would break all over again. It didn't really matter how much I decided to give her now, or how little. I had already given of myself so fully before, and it was time to face the truth.

No matter what happened, I needed her as much as she needed me.

All that I had once felt came flooding back, and I felt it. We belonged together. There was no fighting it. She had realized it, and she was going to end it with Edward. Now it was up to me to step up and let the past be. Bury the shit.

So what if I got hurt. Wasn't the chance of getting to spend my life with her worth the risk?

But if she went back to the leech, if I gave her all of me and then she went back to him, what then? Could I take it.

I would have to. Just like before. But I had to fight for her. I would need to show her that I was worth it. Why wouldn't I be? I could fight for her just as good as him, if not better. There were things I could give her that he never could, or never would be able to. He hadn't been able to show her what making love really was about, had he? If he had she wouldn't have come to me.

One thing was damn sure, I had wanted to make love to her for as long as I could remember. I had always fantasized about this girl. But she was a woman now. She had been begging me to give in to her. So what if her last name was Cullen. She was Bella, and as long as it would be my name she called out when I pleased her—God, I wanted her.

The words were out of me before I could think about it, "All right Bells, we're doing it your way." I waited, gauging her reaction.

"What?" she blinked at me, her eyes still wet. She was confused, she didn't understand what I was telling her.

"I'm yours. It'd be a crime to deny that I want you as badly as you want me. So, we're doing it your way."

Her breath caught in her throat.

I stared at her for a moment, then I caught her mouth, parting her wet lips with my tongue, coaxing hers to tangle with mine. It only took a moment for her to react, and her hands flew up into my hair, pulling my face impossibly closer. She sucked my bottom lip into her mouth, running her tongue over it, nibbling it, like it was the best thing she'd ever tasted.

Then she stopped and pulled away, and I groaned.

"Bells?" I asked.

"Do you have—protection with you?" she asked suddenly, her cheeks turning pink.

I swore before I could stop myself, and she frowned at me.

"No, aren't you—ah, of course." I hissed. Why would she be thinking about protection with a bloodsucker? Disgusting.

I hadn't used one condom in my life, there hadn't been a need for that with Leah. Of course it would be a bit different with Bella. Why didn't I think of this? Maybe because I hadn't come here to get her into bed. I dragged my hands through my hair. Then I dropped them, smirking at her.

"You know, there's many ways of doing this." I said.

"What do you mean?" she stared at me.

I scooped her up, eliciting a gasp from her as I turned and stuffed her into the passenger seat of the car. "I'm not gonna do it here though. We're going back to my hotel room." I smiled at her shocked expression.

"Don't worry honey, by the time I'm finished with you, you won't even know your own name." I chuckled as her lips parted and her heart stuttered.

All the way back into town, I felt her eyes on me. But that wasn't all. She kept reaching over, trying to touch me; my arm, my hand, my leg—I nearly pulled the car over at one point, thinking that "screw this, if she falls pregnant, so what? I wanted to have kids with her one day anyhow" but I was gonna be responsible. I was gonna make love to her in every possible way I could, without being inside her. These thoughts drove me to near insanity as I thought about her naked body beneath my hands, my lips, my tongue.

"What are you thinking?" she asked in a husky whisper, and I drew in a ragged breath.

"I am wondering if you taste as good as you smell," I told her in a low voice, giving her a meaningful glance.

She seemed to ponder that for a moment before she gasped.

Finally we arrived at the hotel and it was all I could do not to grab her and rip her damn clothes off. When we walked through the reception area her hands were digging into my arm, like she was as riled up as I was. Desperately trying to keep herself from throwing herself at me.

I was a mess, but in a damn good way; fumbling with the key to get the door open. The moment the lock turned and I took a step inside she was all over me. I was shocked when she pushed me against the door the moment it closed behind us, her hands dragging my face down to hers, her lips and her tongue possessing me. I didn't stand a chance against the potency of her desire. Instead I welcomed her, grabbing her hips roughly and lifted her up against me, her legs coming up to straddle my waist.

Between the heated kisses she pulled away, telling me that she needed to have a shower first because she'd just come home from a run when I showed up. I protested and tried to tell her that I didn't care, but realized that this could work out in my favor.

It was with every bit of willpower I let her go.

I gave her two minutes after I heard the water come on, then I started pulling my shirt off, unbuttoning my jeans as I pushed the door open. I kicked my jeans and boxers to the floor, going straight for the shower.

"Jake, what are you doing?" she gasped when I pulled the frosted glass-door open.

Holy shit—I stared at her.

"God Bells, you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." I breathed. My eyes roamed up her toned legs, to her thighs, her curved hips—God her breasts, the arch of her neck and finally her face. Her lips were parted as she did a little exploring of her own. I watched her eyes as they traveled down my body, suddenly they widened and her eyes flew back up to mine. Her cheeks bloomed with an adorable pink.

"I told you I wanted you," I said simply, unashamed of how she affected me.

Her mouth worked but no sound came as her eyes went back south, only to come back up to stare at me in disbelief, making me bite back on a chuckle.

"Hey, stop staring. It's rude honey," I winked at her and she blushed a deeper pink. "Now. Come here." I pulled her against me, stepping into the stream.

When her skin connected with mine it was as if I had been hit by a jolt of electricity. She must have felt it too because her heart stuttered and she drew in a sharp breath. I lowered my face to hers, my hands sliding down her body.

"I love you, Bells." I mumbled against her lips before I pressed my mouth against hers fully, plunging my tongue into her, demanding her to answer my desire for her. She reciprocated ardently, pressing herself against me. Damn but this was going to be torture, I thought, and as if she wanted me to be in pain her small hands raked down my body, fluttering down my stomach. Her trembling hand wrapped around me and I thought I would lose it, an answering growl rumbling in my chest. But she wasn't aware of my inner struggles, or how much more difficult she was making this for me, when she started moving her hand.

I released her mouth, "Honey," I choked out, "Stop. You've got no idea what you're do—what are you—holy fu—God!"

In one fluent movement she had slid down my body, her mouth now wrapping around me.

My mind was non existent. What was I doing again?

"Bells," I wheezed, grabbing her shoulders. "Stop-"

That Bella had been sexually frustrated was one hell of an understatement. The way she was caressing me with her tongue, the way her lips moved over me—holy hell.

"Not yet," I choked out, forcing myself to move my hands to her head, pulling her away from me. It was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do, but damn I had to.

When her eyes met mine she looked embarrassed, "Did I do something wrong?" she asked in barely a whisper.

Was she serious?

"God Bells, you were doing it too right, shit. You're trying to kill me, aren't you honey?" I smiled at her, framing her face between my hands. "I'm the one who's gonna please_you_honey." I told her gently, kissing her cheek. I lingered there, until I felt her soften again, collapsing against me as my hand moved to the nape of her neck, tilting her head to the side and exposing her neck so I could bury my face there. I breathed her in, moving my lips over her wet skin, sucking the soft flesh into my mouth, tasting her. Soon enough her hands were moving back south, like magnets.

Instead I moved my hands to cup her soft ass and I lifted her up against me, forcing her to move her arms around my neck. I turned off the water and grabbed a towel on my way out of the bathroom. She shuddered against me when I strode toward the bed, then I lowered her to it. She gazed up at me, shivering when I withdrew. But I was far from finished with her.

"Jake?" she asked when I started drying her off.

"Shh, honey." I said, leaning down to press my lips against hers while rubbing the towel over her gently. Her hands moved up my chest while I continued kissing her, drying her. Then I wrapped my arm around her, dragging her up on the bed, climbing in after her.

I tossed the towel aside, not breaking the kiss. My hands caressed her cheeks, the sides of her neck, down her shoulders; over her arms. I couldn't get enough of touching her.

"You are so damn soft honey, I love how you feel." I murmured against her skin as I started moving down her body. I was going to take my time with her. For years I had wanted to explore her body, and now when she was here beneath me there was no way I would rush. It hit me suddenly that she was really here, _with me_, not resisting me.

Her breaths became shallow the further down her body I moved. I cupped the soft flesh of her breast in my hand, dragging my lips across the softness of it, my tongue darting out to tease her nipple. I sucked it into my mouth, a wave of heat rolling through me, tightening the pit of my stomach as she moaned and arched into me.

"Jake," she whimpered.

Damn it felt like I had been waiting a lifetime for her to call my name. My heart soared and I slid my arm under her, clutching her to me as I released her breast to move to the other one. She shuddered when I ran circles around the other nipple with my tongue. Her hands came into my hair, twisting, pressing me closer to her.

She was trembling when I started moving down, my hands sliding down her sides. My pulse started pounding behind my ears in anticipation as I moved across her stomach, kissing and tasting her skin. I could smell her and it made me weak. Her fingers raked against my scalp, and her breaths became shallow when my hands ran over the supple flesh of her round ass; continuing along her leg, lifting it as I skimmed my nose along the inside of her thigh.

The scent of her was intoxicating, dizzying. I kissed and dragged my tongue lazily over the skin, moving toward her center. When my nose grazed across the sensitive flesh she gasped. Not wanting to make her wait any longer I closed my mouth over her, my tongue darting out to explore her.

She whimpered and arched herself against my face, her hands twisting roughly in my hair. Her reactions to me was like pure bliss, egging me on. The way she tasted was so arousing that it became a damned hard fight to keep myself from moving over her and burying myself in her softness. I was aching for her, needing her. There wasn't anything in that moment that meant more than to please her; show her how damn much I loved her and would always love her.

I moved my hand from her leg, wanting to feel her, and when I gently slid one finger inside her she cried out, quivering beneath me, tightening around me.

God she was driving me over the edge. How much longer could I take it? Was it possible to resist any longer or would I cave in?

Her breaths became more labored and she trembled, her thighs pressing against the sides of my head. I felt like I was drowning in her. I didn't mind though; I loved it. So I slid another finger inside her and began moving them slowly, while my tongue circled and caressed her.

"Jake," her voice was thick with desire, "Oh Jake—I-" her words were cut off by a moan and her hands pulled roughly at my hair. "I want you—now. I don't care—just please..."

She was begging again? No, I wasn't going to give in. No way. Not a good timing for kids yet, Jake old boy.

Instead I pulled my fingers out and grabbed her ass, clutching her to me, adding pressure with my tongue, dragging it across her soft flesh. She quivered and writhed. But I didn't relent. I swirled my tongue over her, finally sucking the sensitive flesh gently in between my lips, letting my tongue flick over it lightly. She gasped, her breaths and whimpers clashing together until I felt her stiffen. Then she arched off the bed, pushing herself against me, crying out my name.

My breaths were as chopped up as hers when finally I released her, pressing my lips against her gently. I ran my hands up over her hips, sliding up against her, feathering kisses across her trembling body. When I was level with her face I couldn't stop the dumb grin on my face as I took in her flushed cheeks and glassy eyes.

"You're beautiful honey." I whispered.

She gazed back at me, then without warning her eyes filled with tears and she threw her arms around my neck.

"Oh Jake!" she exclaimed.

Didn't expect that one.

"Honey," I said, my voice weak from the desire that still coursed through me. "What's wrong?"

"N-nothing." she choked out, sobbing. "I just—I can't believe what just happened." she said between hiccups. "God. All this time and this is what I've been missing?"

I relaxed, not even realizing until just then that I had tensed up. Not that it was something I wanted to think about in that moment, but I wondered what the hell her and Edward had been doing if what I had just done to her would make her cry.

My arms wound around her, pulling her into my chest. Then she stiffened, and her sobs seized.

"Oh," she breathed, wriggling against me, her hand sneaking down my front until it came into contact with me. "It's my turn." she whispered.

"Honey, this is not about returning favors. This was about giving you what you've been missing out on. We have plenty of time, and trust me, I will be using your body to please myself soon enough." I winked at her.

As much as I was aching for release I didn't want it unless I was buried within her soft body. So I grabbed her hand and brought it to my mouth, kissing the back of her fingers softly. She gazed at me.

"I love you Jacob." she blurted. "I'm _in_ love with you, and I think," she paused, looking at me as if she was in awe. "I think I have been all this time."

My heart swelled at the sincerity in her eyes. "I knew you did, Bells. It just wasn't the right timing. But we're here now. I'm not gonna let you go this time around, I hope you realize that. I can't be without you any longer. I just can't." I said, my throat closing with the emotion I felt for her in this specific moment. Was it possible to fall in love with her all over again?

"I want to fall asleep in your arms, Jacob. Can I stay with you?" she asked me suddenly. She looked so vulnerable; her request raw with fear of me rejecting her.

"_Can_ you? What kind of a question is that—I _need_ you to stay Bells. Tonight and always." I replied, clutching her closer, sliding down slightly to bury my face in her chest. Her heart was beating steadily now, and I closed my eyes, just listening to the sound.

I'd been living in the fear for years that she would choose _his_ world; a dark and cold place I had fought so long and hard to keep her from. It had nearly killed me when I thought I'd lost that fight. But now when I drowned in the rhythmic beating of her heart, after having explored her soft body, making her pulse race; I couldn't find one moment from my past that would ever measure up to what I felt right now.

"It was worth it," I murmured against her skin, "All the pain; everything. The sound of your heart was worth all of that Bella."

She didn't say anything, but she held me close to her heart; her fingers combing through my hair, her lips pressing into me. If I died now, I would be the happiest man alive; hands down, without a doubt.

"Stay with me; don't leave again. Let me take care of you. . . ." I mumbled, feeling myself drifting off. I don't remember hearing an answer, I barely recalled asking her anything when I finally succumbed to sleep. All I was aware of was the soft '_thump-thump'_ of her peaceful and contented heart.


	12. Apologize

_I'd take another chance, take a fall  
Take a shot for you  
And I need you like a heart needs a beat  
But it's nothin' new_

_Apologize_

_By_

_One Republic_

**~* Apologize *~**

_**Bella...**_

My eyes fluttered open and I looked around, disorientated. Where was I? My body felt as if it was made out of jelly and I could hear an unfamiliar, soft, rumbling sound. Was someone snoring? I tried to turn my body but I was pinned down. What was wrong with me?

There was that rumble again. Now I felt heat fanning against my cheek and I turned my head.

The sight that met my eyes made my heart ache.

His face was peaceful, and thick lashes rested heavily against his high cheekbones. The full lips of his beautiful mouth were curled into a heartbreaking, soft smile. My Jacob.

The noises I had heard were coming from _him_, and now I could feel his chest moving against me for each breath he took. The dim light in the room made his russet skin seem even darker, and as I looked down upon our naked bodies tangled together I felt suddenly very pale.

A blush crept up into my face as the memories returned to me.

Never had I ever imagined it to be possible to feel such immense desire as I had when Jacob's hands had taken possession of my body. Not only his hands, his lips—his _tongue_. He had touched me in ways I hadn't even thought were possible, and his heat—oh good God the warmth of him. A wave of desire washed over me and I reached out for him, running my hand over the arm that was draped across my hip. He shuddered in his sleep but didn't wake. I was just about to move my face closer to his to kiss his sensual lips, when I suddenly felt like I was being watched. In response my eyes glanced around the room.

There, in a dark corner of the room was Edward, his pale face twisted in agony.

My eyes flew open.

_God!_

Had I dreamed it? No. I felt him—Jacob was still there, and he had me wrapped in his embrace, the soft smile still on his lips. My eyes darted nervously around the dim room, but there was no one there. Of course not, why would there be?

I felt the panic crawling beneath my skin, creeping into my heart, and making it race. It was enough to make me wriggle out of Jacob's arms, but I took care as to not wake him.

Did Edward know where I was?

Had he been here?

Suddenly the bliss I had felt only moments ago had all but evaporated, and I scrambled into the bathroom, throwing my clothes on. What time was it? How long had I been here?

Oh my God, what had I done? I had cheated on Edward—how could I? What the hell was wrong with me?

You love Jacob, you want to be with him, you always have—what are you freaking out about? I was freaking out wasn't I? Hadn't Edward and I talked about this? He would understand, he just wanted me to be happy.

But, I had still cheated on him—I felt dirty suddenly. No matter how much I loved Jacob it had been wrong—and, at the same time, so right.

I groaned, slapping my hand to my mouth the moment it left my lips.

Why would I hurt Edward like this? Couldn't I have waited—had it been such a terrible thing to wait another few weeks, until I had moved out from mine and Edward's apartment? Hadn't I gone four years without Jacob and survived just fine? How could I have been so irresponsible; whatever happened to using my head?

I tiptoed out of the bathroom and peered around the corner to where Jacob was still laying, sleeping peacefully. For each inch of his body I drank in my heart responded, beating faster, harder. God he was beautiful. The warmth that surged through me was not only desire, but love; deep, true, and undeniably real. He truly took my breath away. Why would I leave him here? I couldn't leave. It was impossible. What had I been thinking? Oh right—the dream, the fear of Edward seeing us. It would hurt him. But why would he have been here? Was it just the part of me that still loved Edward and felt I had acted deceivingly? After all, Edward didn't deserve to be hurt, no matter what I felt toward Jacob. I could have told him, warned him.

What the hell was the time anyway?

Automatically I grabbed for my purse, only to realize that I had left it in the car last night. Where were my keys?

I started looking around for where they might be, but then remembered that Jacob had driven my car. So, where had he put them? For a brief moment I considered waking him but when I glanced at his face I didn't have it in me. He looked so content, so happy.

After a couple of minutes I finally decided to check his jeans, and as I suspected they were in his pocket.

The least I could do was to call Edward and tell him about what had happened, and let him know that I was with Jacob. He would be worried, he always worried.

I hurried down the corridor to the elevators. When I walked into the reception area I noticed a clock on the wall.

_06:23 am._

There was no personnel in sight, I noticed, as I quickly walked toward the doors, pushing them open.

The air was damp and chilly, and for a moment I stood there trying to remember where the car had been left last night. First I took the wrong turn but noticed quickly enough and turned back, walking in the other direction. My heart was pounding behind my ears as I held out my key, swinging it in all directions, while pushing the button while.

I turned toward the familiar beep and spied the rear of my car peeking out from behind a huge Ford Station wagon. My feet moved quickly across the asphalt, and after having pulld the door open I crawled across the cool leather seats, grabbing for my purse. When I finally got my phone out I stared at it dumbly.

No missed calls.

No messages.

Huh. Edward wasn't worried? He didn't care?

He knows, you idiot! Yeah, I was stupid to think Edward wouldn't have figured it out himself when I didn't come home last night. Where else would I have gone?

A wave of guilt washed over me and I dialed Edward's number.

"Hello." came his soft voice on the other side of the line.

My eyes prickled with tears when I answered him. "Hey Edward, it's me. . . ."

"I know it's you, love. It's all right." he said gently, reassuringly.

"I'm so sorry, Edward, I didn't want to hurt you, I-" I choked out, but he interrupted me.

"It is all right. Bella, why are you calling me? We both knew that this would happen, and I could have stopped you. Does it not tell you enough that I didn't?"

Ugh. There it was again, being all understanding and making me feel worse. Yes, I knew he knew. But I still felt I should have been more respectful.

"Edward, don't make me feel worse than I already do. I just felt I should have been more honest with you, and told you-"

"Told me that you were going to go and sleep with Jacob?" came his pained question. "Do you think that it would have been the right thing to do? No matter how we look at this, and no matter what you could have said, nothing—and I mean nothing, would have made the pain any less bearable." he explained sadly.

I blinked against the tears, "I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you. I am sorry that it wasn't enough, sorry I can't love you the way I. . . ." I couldn't continue. Why should I? Wasn't it time to realize already that nothing would make this right for Edward. As he had said; nothing could have made it less painful for him. He loved me as much as I loved Jacob. He wanted me the way I wanted Jacob; the way I _needed_ Jacob.

God I was such an idiot. Still!

"Bella," he said, his voice defeated. My heart ached, I felt so bad for him, and so disgusted with myself for having hurt him this way. But, after all, I couldn't find it in me to regret what had happened. "It really is all right. Just promise me that this is what you really want, tell me that there is no doubt in your heart and that you believe this is what will make you happy. That is all I have ever cared about, love."

There was no doubt. "Yes," I told him, my voice barely above a whisper.

"Then, spend some time with Jacob. We will talk tomorrow, if you still want to come to the graduation party at my family's house?" His voice was so full of love and understanding.

Of course I still wanted to come to the celebration, and my dad was going to be there.

Oh God! Charlie! What was he going to say about this—would he freak out?

"I will be there," I promised.

"All right. I will wait for your call. Will you be picking Charlie up from the airport tomorrow, or is he taking the bus?"

"I will get him, I don't think Charlie has ever set a foot on a bus," I said, smiling.

"Take care then, Bella. I do love you."

"I love you, Edward." I choked out. I did, I really did love him. Just not the same as I had, which made me wonder if I had ever loved him enough. I had thought I did.

The line went dead and I closed my phone, dropping it back into my purse.

Then an idea struck me and I couldn't help smiling. I would go and pick up some breakfast from this lovely bakery I had found during my first year at Dartmouth, not far from the college. It would be open by now.

On my way through the town I listened to the music and found myself singing along, as horrible as it sounded, but I didn't care. I was going to surprise the man I loved with a nice breakfast in bed. The thought of sharing breakfast with Jacob had me nearly bouncing in my seat. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt so giddy and excited.

While I stood in the small bakery, inhaling the heavenly fragrance of freshly baked bread, waiting for the tiny little Asian woman scurrying around and placing the croissants and bagels into a box, I felt a pang of guilt. I should have told Jacob what I was doing. What would he think if he woke up and found me gone? I quickly picked up my phone to check the time.

_06:49_

It hadn't been _that_ long since I left. He was probably sleeping still, I thought reassuringly while handing over a few bills. She smiled at me and bid me a good day, then I turned and hurried out the door.

I flipped my phone open again nervously when I arrived back at the hotel.

_07:02_

Not even an hour had passed, so there was no need to freak out, was there? But I couldn't help the growing feeling of unease in the pit of my stomach as I hurried in through the doors. An older man was standing at the reception desk, and the tapping of his fingers against the keyboard echoed through my head. I went straight for the elevator when I realized I couldn't remember what floor I had been on. God—why was I being so idiotic today? I was always organized, never overlooking details. It must be something to do with Jacob, and what he had done to me last night. The blush crept into my cheeks but I forced myself to step up to the desk.

"Excuse me, Mr-" I peered at his name-tag. Huh—Edgar. How fitting. "Edgar," I offered. "This is going to sound really silly, but I seem to have forgotten which floor my friend is on, maybe you would be able to help me?"

"Certainly. If you give me the name of your _friend_, I will call his room and confirm that he or she is expecting you." He gave me an irritatingly polite smile, but the way he had said 'friend' made me my face heat up. Who did he think I was? Who did he think _he_ was!

"Jacob Black." I replied coolly, flashing him a stiff smile.

"Ah, Mr Black. I am afraid your _friend_ has checked out already." he told me with a triumphant smile. What the hell was wrong with this old fart? But wait—checked out already?

Suddenly all the blood drained from my face and I felt weak. I tried collecting myself, placing the box on the counter with trembling hands. Edgar raised an eyebrow, looking at it as if it was a pile of dung smearing his polished counter.

I swallowed, my mouth suddenly very dry, "Did he leave a message by any chance?" I asked, my voice as shaky as I felt.

"No, I'm afraid not," Edgar replied dryly, still glancing suspiciously at the box.

Why would he have checked out, without leaving me a message? I hadn't even been gone one hour. The reception area appeared very small now as I looked around. Was it swaying too?

"Miss? Are you feeling all right?" came Edgar's voice, from very far away.

"Mrs," I corrected in a strained voice, before everything suddenly started spinning out of control. Had Jacob woken up while I was gone and thought the worst of it? Why wouldn't he? Hadn't it been his biggest fear, hadn't he told me last night that he didn't want to give in to me, because he thought I could return to Edward afterward?

_I am not going to give the last pieces I have left just to watch you walk away from me again._

I had promised I wasn't using him, but had he believed me?

_You may say that now, but what happens afterward Bells? You go back to him?_

Had he known beforehand that I would leave him in the morning? Had he been that scarred from all those years ago that he would jump to conclusions; worst case scenario?

Oh God—no. No, no, _no!_

"_No_-" I gasped, feeling my knees give out.

"Bella!" someone called out, but I couldn't make out where the voice came from or who it was. Claws of steel wrapped around my heart, choking me.

Arms caught me, hard and cold, and I cried out.

No! That's not the arms I wanted. Where was he? Why had he left? How could he give up so easily?

"I was just getting breakfast..." I heard myself say, but the voice sounded so strange that I felt it didn't belong to me. "Why?" I choked out, and that was it. I lost it.

The voice kept talking to me, and I knew who it was, but I didn't want to listen. It was the wrong voice too. It was all wrong. I heard Edgar's voice to, they were talking. Then I heard his name.

"...Mr Black..., checked out..., she went so pale..."

They kept talking, but everything felt so strange. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I get a hold of myself?

Suddenly the ground disappeared beneath me and I felt cold, so very cold. I was moving but I wasn't walking—where was I going?

"I'm taking you home, Bella. It's all right. Don't worry, we will sort this out," he told me, his words rushed, trying to be comforting, but it wasn't helping. It was still all wrong.

Somewhere along the way back to our apartment the haze lifted and my eyes came into focus, along with all my other senses.

I realized I was crying already, but it didn't register until now. Edward was next to me, and we were in my car. I stared at him through my tears.

"Why?" I asked him.

"Why, what? Why did he leave? Isn't that obvious; he isn't good enough for you. He obviously has developed some serious issues, and although I can sympathize, I do believe he is overreacting. This should tell you something, love." he said softly, but there was a hint of irritation in the velvet of his voice.

"How did you know? Why didn't you tell me anything when we talked on the phone!" I snapped at him, the tone of my voice escalating.

"I didn't know yet!" he exclaimed, exasperated. "I am sorry." he added quickly in a gentler tone. "Alice called me not even one minute after we had finished talking. You must have made the decision to get breakfast after we hung up." he explained as a matter of factually.

"Why didn't you call me back then? To stop me, to warn me!" I choked out angrily.

"I am sorry for being more worried about you falling and getting a concussion from your head bouncing off the floor tiles in the hotel." he replied flatly.

"If I had been warned I would have went straight back, thus not freaking out; because Jacob would've still been there!" I spat.

Edward sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"He is most likely on his way to the airport. Do you want me to turn the car around and go after him?" he asked me in a strained voice.

My mouth snapped shut and I stared at him. What was I doing to him? Here I was, running my mouth, as if it was Edward's fault that Jacob had left, when I knew very well I only had myself to blame; myself, and no one else.

"No." I replied firmly. The chances of catching up with Jacob were slim, and I did not want to send Edward on a wild goose chase. Or should I say that I didn't want to send my_husband_ to help me chase after a man I had been unfaithful with. As much as I had been over this with Edward I felt that enough was enough. I wasn't going to hurt him in that way, it wasn't his fight. Just having Edward offer to turn the car around to chase after Jacob sliced through me painfully. Most importantly of all; I was not a child or a teenager to rush off on a whim. I would get a hold of Jacob, and I would explain the misunderstanding. He would see reason, wouldn't he?

"We will go home, and then I will talk to Leah. She will be able to talk sense into him." I told him, not feeling convinced she would help me. But, just as long as I got to her before Jacob I was certain she would help. Hadn't she helped set this whole thing up to start with? I knew she wasn't my advocate, and that she would be more than happy to jump to conclusions as well, but what other choices did I have?

Edward didn't say anything else, and when we came back home to the apartment I escaped into the bathroom to have a shower and to get freshened up.

Why did I have to leave to call Edward to start with? I should have waited until Jacob woke up, and explained how I felt, and that I wanted to call Edward. But, also, to make sure that he would understand that I would come back; that I was just going to get my purse from the car.

Hasn't anyone ever told you that there is no point in hindsight? I mentally smacked my halo-wearing comrade off my shoulder.

I smiled grimly.

When I got out of the bathroom I went straight for the bedroom to hunt down a pair of comfortable jeans and a tee. Fully dressed, with a cup of coffee in my hands that Edward had made me, I sank down on the sofa. It was pointless, I knew this, but I couldn't help replaying everything in my mind. I couldn't help wishing, and thinking that I should have just stayed in the room with Jake. Why hadn't I let myself be distracted by his body? I could have just—stop it right now.

"Are you not going to call Leah?" came Edward's quiet question as he sat down next to me. Involuntarily I shifted, not wanting him to come closer. How quickly it had all changed.

"In a moment, after I have gotten a hold on myself," I replied edgily, sipping my coffee. "Thanks for the coffee." I added in a softer tone when I noticed his expression change as he studied me, noting the way I was discretely leaning away from him—not discretely enough.

"All right." he said before standing up and walking away from me.

I didn't show much interest in where he went, my mind was too preoccupied.

Finally, after a few more sips of coffee, I decided to call Leah.

Several rings passed, and then several more, but eventually I gave up and ended the call. Either Jacob had gotten to her already, or she was busy, even phased. So, I decided to write her a message.

_**There was a misunderstanding, and Jake left.  
I went to get breakfast, forgetting to leave a note,  
and when I came back he was should I do?  
Bella.**_

With a sigh I flipped my phone closed and put it on the table in front of me, then leaned back and continued to sip my coffee absentmindedly.

The day passed in a blur, or in an unrealistic haze was perhaps the better term for it. None of it felt real. I had done possibly—most likely, the most stupid thing I had ever done. How was it that I managed to outdo myself constantly? One thing after another; one mistake after another. One would think I'd learn by now, but oh no. I was doomed to create disasters—no, to attract them. It could be my punishment though. After all the times I felt I had not been punished for my stupidity and all the times I had hurt Jake, or Edward, perhaps finally, someone out there had realized what a complete moron I really was and decided to throw some disaster my way. Not the usual one; no, the usual meant others got hurt. This one would mean _I_ would get hurt. Well, Jake too.. He was well within his right to think I had left and gone back to Edward. It was, after all, the very reason why he had resisted me when I had thrown myself at him.

I had given him a reason to think that maybe things had changed after all, but what had I done? Realized his suspicions, but ultimately his fears. He loved me, too much, more than I deserved—here we go again. If I asked Edward to bite me for punishment and let the venom burn me just a tiny bit, just to give me some real agony, would he do it?

Okay, I was being psychotic again—a mental case.

Again I was grateful for being a mental mute. I looked around, feeling a dark urge to laugh at myself for my macabre sense of humor.

Then my phone beeped. I nearly launched myself forward.

_**What happened?**_

Was I supposed to tell her what me and Jake had done, or more correctly, what _he_ had done to _me_? I shrugged my shoulders and typed out my response.

_**We ended up in bed together, after he had  
insisted nothing should happen until he  
knew I would not leave him and return to  
Edward. Then I woke, and walked out of  
his room, without leaving a note, to get  
breakfast.**_

That was enough, wasn't it? I pressed send and sat back, staring at my phone.

And I waited, for ten minutes, just staring at the stupid thing, as if I could will a response by giving it the evil eye. Although as I could tell by her response, it wasn't my evil eye that had done the trick. It was just one hell of a long message.

_**As much as I want Jacob to be happy,  
and as much as I want to believe in**_  
"_**true love conquers all" I am not going  
to indulge in this much longer. You both  
have a knack for making things difficult.  
If Jacob contacts me I will tell him what  
you told me. I am guessing that is  
why you are sending me messages. But  
don't expect miracles. Jacob is messed up.**_

An impressive message for Leah Clearwater, a woman who probably hated my guts, but by some twist of fate had decided to be nice to me. I am sure she didn't see it that way; she had her own reasons. If those were Jacob's happiness or an agenda of her own I didn't know. All I knew was that I would be ever grateful to her, even if it all failed miserably.

I had already figured out that Jake was a mess. If I hadn't, then what had happened this morning was the final nail in the coffin on my blindness to it.

One thing was certain though; I would have to go back to Forks. There wasn't a chance that he would come back here, and truth be told I didn't want him to. But, I wouldn't go to Forks if he didn't want me to come and see him. The worst thing I could do was to force myself on him, especially if he felt that I was just after sex. Which was part of it, albeit a small part. It didn't hold an interest if Jake didn't want me. Want me, as in, want me around, have me close. He loved me, I knew this much, and I loved him, so very much. The more I sat here and thought about the possibility that this could have been the last straw for him, the more it hurt. I knew I wasn't going to be able to let go of him. He had followed me, my thoughts, in my heart, for these past years. In his absence it had seemed that my love for him had grown, although I wasn't sure how it had happened. I had noticed it when I had seen him in Forks, when he had kissed me, when I had been wrapped up in him. Then it had been reconfirmed after last night, while I had felt him and watched him while he set my heart and body on fire.

He had to realize I loved him and would never leave him the way he thought I had.

He just _had_ to.

I hadn't realized that I had fallen asleep until an incessant buzzing drew me out of sleep, I sat up and stared around me. It was dark outside, but also most lights in the apartment were switched off. In fact, only the foot lamp next the sofa, where I had been placed in a horizontal position with a blanket over me, had been left on. My attention went to the table where my phone vibrated along the glossy surface as the last beep indicated a message. What time was it?

_22:11_

_I had slept all day! _Also, I had four messages.

With my heart in my throat I opened the messages one by one, devouring them.

_Message Received 19:59:23_

_**He just showed up. He refuses to talk.  
Give me a bit and I'll beat some sense  
into him.**_

I gulped. I wasn't sure if I liked the prospect of that. But I quickly went on to the next.

_Message Received 20:47:09_

_**Hmm. I'm kinda stumped. He still  
refuses to talk. I showed him your  
message but he hasn't reacted.  
Got something else to say to him?**_

Great, and I had slept through it all. But there were still two messages left.

_Message Received 21:02:54_

_**Maybe if you call at Billy's place. I am  
here with him. If he refuses to answer that,  
call me and I will put it on loudspeaker!**_

_Message Received 22:10:45_

_**Why?**_

My eyebrows pulled together as I read the last message. Had Leah sent a message to the wrong person? Or was that meant for me? I read the previous message, trying to figure out what the "why" could point to, but I drew up blanks and decided to just ask what she meant.

_**Was that meant for me? Why, what?**_

The reply came almost instantly.

_**Why did I give in to you, Bella? Explain it  
to me, because I can't explain it to myself.**_

My eyes teared up instantly; it wasn't Leah, it was Jacob, using Leah's phone. Of course.

I didn't reply, I just dialed Leah's phone.

Not even one signal went through. Someone picked up, but it was quiet on the other side.

"Jake?" I whispered.

There was no answer, just silence, but I waited.

"Jake, come on, please," I breathed out his name, as if dying from thirst, his voice being the only thing that could quench it. "It's all a big misunderstanding. I went out to get you breakfast-"

"Don't insult me!" he whispered, half hissing, half begging.

"I'm not lyi-"

"Don't you dare say you're not lying, don't you fucking dare Bella." he choked out.

Wait, was he—had he been crying? No—Jake didn't cry.

"But I'm not!" I cried out, exasperated.

"No? That's why I heard you talking to that fucking leech on your phone, saying you would be there, then telling him you love him? Tell me Bella, where does the breakfast come in? Or are you trying to pull some kind of a sick and twisted joke on me?" His voice was all wrong, he could hardly get the words out. But the message got through all the same. He had come outside while I was in the middle of talking to Edward, but not early enough to hear the start of it. Then he had watched me drive away—I cringed—with a smile on my face. Oh God.

"Oh Jake, I'm so sorry, it's not-"

"No more 'I'm sorry', no more excuses, no more fucking apologies, Bella. This ends here."

"Jake!" I choked out.

But he had already hung up.

What had I done? What had just happened? Was this for real? No, it couldn't be. I refused to believe it. It couldn't end like this. Every fiber in my body rejected it. My head couldn't wrap around it, and my heart—I couldn't breathe.

There had to be something that could be done. How had we been allowed to share the connection we did, and why had it lasted for all this time without me realizing, only for me to wake up and see it fall to pieces before I'd even gotten a chance to grasp it. I had only just accepted it, my heart was already beating for him, it had been beating for him all this time. It couldn't end like this. I wouldn't let it.

With shaky hands I typed out a message to Leah.

_**I'm sorry for disturbing you. I don't know  
if you still believe what I told you. But it really  
is a huge misunderstanding. If you still  
believe me, help me, what do I do?**_

After sending the message I felt like I was suspended in time. There was nothing that mattered in that moment, besides getting this mess sorted out. I couldn't believe that a misunderstanding would ruin both our lives. It didn't seem fair. It was too cruel.

A few minutes later my phone beeped, and I nearly dropped my phone from trembling too much.

_**I want to believe you. But seeing Jacob  
like this doesn't make me like you very  
much, not that I ever liked you much.  
I don't even know if you can do anything.  
I have never seen him this low.**_

No sooner had I read the message when my phone started ringing. I answered, trying desperately to make myself sound somewhat all right.

I didn't hear anything but muffled sounds.

"Hello?"

"_Give me my phone Jacob!"_ I heard Leah yell. _"Don't you fucking dare!"_

"Leah?" I asked, confused.

What was going on?

"_Keep talking to her and you can leave the pack, you and Seth both. I don't want you around anymore, Leah. Just fuck off."_

"Jake!" I shouted, shooting off the sofa, as if that would help me.

There were more struggles and muffled voices.

"What!" he snapped.

I flinched. This was the only chance I had, so I filled my lungs, desperately praying for the right words to come, and as fast as I could muster I began,

"You made your mind up last night, didn't you? You were gonna leave anyway! That's why I wasn't allowed to touch you. You were giving me payback, weren't you Jacob! Just like the letter to Edward; this was all about getting revenge wasn't it!" I screamed as loud as I could.

I nearly fell over from the exertion, and my throat burned. Was he even there still, or had he hung up in the middle of it? It was so quiet, too quiet.

"No," he said quietly, "I just don't know what to say to you anymore, Bella."

What was _I_ supposed to say, or do?

"Jacob, please don't hang up. Please, I am begging you. You've got it all wrong, you heard it all wrong! You only heard half the conversation. How can you write us off that easily? Did it mean nothing to you?" I managed between sobs and sniffles. Somehow I just couldn't find it me to care how that I sounded like a spoiled two-year-old.

"I put myself out there for you, again. You made me think you really cared, that you needed me, but you have got no fucking idea how deeply you cut me when I came out to find you talking to your beloved leech. I can't believe you, _I don't believe_ what you tell me anymore, do you get that, Bella?"

He didn't sound very angry, it was as if he had given up.

"Please," I whispered, feeling a heavy weight settling in my stomach, "Don't give up. I know how it must have sounded, and I understand. But Jake, I-" I drew in a deep breath, finding it becoming harder and harder to breathe. "I _do_ need you, I love you, and I just can't be without you anymore, please. Tell me what to say, what to do, how can I prove to you that I never meant to leave you, that I was just going to get you breakfast? God—tell me, because if you give up, then so do I." I could barely talk anymore, the dread inside me seeming to want to swallow me.

"What do you mean, you give up?" he asked suspiciously.

What had I meant? I didn't know, except that I felt like dying if I lost him. God, had I really spent all these years to turn into this melodramatic, blubbering idiot of a woman? I thought I would have gotten away from all of it.

Then, out of the blue it hit me. Hadn't he once threatened me, to get me to ask him to kiss me? Yeah, it was his way of dealing with things, playing tricks and making threats.

Well, I could do that too. Maybe it would make him wake up.

"What's the point in being human, if the only reason I want to be one gives up?"

The silence that followed stretched on and on. Had it really been that easy? It should be, I thought to myself, feeling a small twinge of hope. If he could throw my humanity in my face and tear up heaven and earth to get me to pick him, then that would mean that it was important. If he turned his back now, even after this stupid, idiotic game, then he would nullify everything he had ever said to me.

"I can't believe you just said that," he said in a strained voice.

"Oh, I see. You are the only one who can make threats, is that it? You can trick me into exactly where you want me, but when the tables are turned it doesn't work, huh?"

"I never tricked you, I did what I had to, to get you to see the truth!" he exclaimed.

"Exactly, and so am I!" I retorted. "So, what's it gonna be, Jacob?" I pressed.

There was a pause, but then he sighed, "This thing, between you and me, is going to be the death of me. Fighting against you is like telling my heart to stop beating, I just can't do it. Looks like you've won your first dirty fight, Bella."

I held my breath. Was this serious? Had it been that easy? Of course it had, wasn't that why I had resorted to his kind of mind games? It seemed like the more time I spent in the acceptance of him being the only choice I'd ever really had, the more I realized how truly right we were for each other. When it all boiled down to it, I couldn't let him go, I had never been able to. The same went for him, and he was willing to walk through fire for it—for me.

"But I'm asking, no, scrap that—I'm begging you to give me some time. I need some time alone. Can you do that for me? Don't call, don't try to contact me. Can you please do that?"

This I could do. All I had needed to know was that he wouldn't give up on us. If he needed time, that's what I would give him.

"Okay," I replied meekly, "Whatever you need. Just don't give up."

"I can't give up, just like I can't stop breathing. Just—" he went quiet, and I waited, "Whatever you do, don't... sleep with him. Please, not now, not ever again. That will be the end of me." It was the last request he would make. If all else failed, then that's what meant more than anything right this moment. He was on the other side of the country, and I was still living with Edward. His biggest fear right now was that I would let Edward touch me, but what Jacob didn't realize was that the only thing I craved was him, only him.

"The only hands I want on my body, are yours Jake. Nothing can replace that." I told him honestly, feeling the warmth of his memory spreading through me like a slow fire.

He swore under his breath, "I have to go. I can't talk, you're making me want to jump on a plane again. God I need you, so damn bad..."

Then the line went dead.

I sat there for a long time, cradling the phone in my hands as if some essence of him had leaked through the line, not wanting to break the connection. His last words echoed through my mind, seeping into to my bloodstream, carrying him through my veins, leaking into every fiber in my body. How long would I have to wait until I could hear his voice again, or see his face. How much could I take in the next unknown days, or weeks to come without his arms around me? He hadn't indicated how much time he had needed. Should I just wait for him to call me? What was I supposed to do now? Then, as if Edward had been reading my mind, he appeared in front of me where I sat on the sofa, the phone still in my hands.

"I think we should go and see a lawyer, to get this divorce out of the way." he said quietly, not hiding the pain in his voice, but giving me a reassuring smile, however weak it was, when I looked up to face him. I just nodded, forcing myself to meet his devastatingly sad eyes.

There wasn't any turning back. There never had been, if I really thought about it. Everything was slowly falling into place. To realize that I had loved Jacob all this time was like being released from a cage, but accepting the pain I caused Edward locked me up in another. No matter what I felt for Jacob, there was nothing that lessened the impact of the guilt I felt for breaking Edward's heart. Even if it hadn't been beating for a century I knew that a heart didn't have to beat to be broken, Edward was the proof of that. But no matter how bad I felt I couldn't bring myself to apologize to him. Ultimately I knew, that he was happy for whatever time he had gotten to spend with me, and last but not least, according to him, I had opened up my eyes and chosen the path he had been trying so desperately to get me to see. Perhaps I didn't choose to travel that path the way he had hoped, but I was going to walk it, none the less, and for that there was no greater victory. Edward had won his fight, and now, only time would tell if I would win mine.


	13. Need You Now

_It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk,_ _And I need you now._ _  
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now._ _  
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now._

_Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all._

**~* Need You Now *~**

_**Bella...**_

I kept tossing and turning, but after glaring at my alarm clock for the umpteenth time I gave up with a groan and got out of bed. Usually I wouldn't have trouble sleeping. Usually. But things had changed lately, and after having spent the past four years having somebody next to me while sleeping, even if that somebody had been cold, it was still a difficult thing getting used to sleeping alone. It wasn't that I missed the ever chilly presence, or the extra blankets I would use in wintertime to shield myself from the cold. It wasn't even the fact that I'd had a taste of a different set of arms and that I missed those, immensely so. But still, that was not the reason I couldn't sleep. Yes, a part of it was the lack of someone else being there, and also being in a new apartment was part of it. A big part of it was also that the apartment I now had was located about an hours drive from Forks, the town where I had spent a few tumultuous years of my adolescence.

However the killer part was that there was an envelop burning a hole in my nightstand. An envelope that I had received only two days ago. I knew where it came from, and I also knew what was in it. In fact, what was in it was something I had spent the past month waiting for with great excitement. One might have thought it would cause me pain, or dread, or even the guilt I had expected; but no. I felt none of those things. What I felt couldn't even be put into words.

But, for the lack of anything else, I suppose one could say that I was terrified.

Not because the papers would be telling me that my divorce to Edward had been finalized. It wouldn't be the slightest bit horrible to see my own name there, my old name.

Bella Swan.

No, nothing what you might think made me scared to death to open it.

"Oh to hell with it!" I spat into the darkness and yanked open the drawer to my nightstand, pulling out the dreadful envelope. With trembling hands I began to open it, pulling the papers out slowly. If I opened it in the dark it wouldn't be so bad. I couldn't read it then. There was no way I would see what had been decided in regards to assets. My request had been my car, that was all. I had, and at the risk of sounding like a complete guy, fallen in love with the damn thing. It was my baby. Who would have thought that me, Bella Swan, would ever appreciate something with a shiny paint job? Well, I did, and that was that, and I wasn't going to go back under my old Chevy and slice open my hand again, trying to fix whatever Edward, or his siblings, had done to it.

My eyes tried to focus on the text, and I even picked up my alarm clock, using it as a flashlight, when I finally laughed at myself for being silly and turned my bedside table lamp on. For a moment I blinked against the sudden flood of light, but when I had recovered I returned my eyes to the papers in front of me. I turned over a couple of pages, my eyes scanning the pages suspiciously, until my gaze finally landed on what I had been so terrified to read.

I was off the bed, charging for the kitchen where my phone was, the papers scattering like leaves in the wind. Within a few seconds I listened impatiently to the ringing, but of course I wasn't left disappointed. The familiar, smooth voice on the other side of the line answered me sweetly. Ugh! He had seen this coming, damn Alice!

"Now, don't get angry-"

"Angry? _Angry!_A bit of an understatement. Angry doesn't even begin to cover it, Edward." I retorted dryly. "I thought I made myself clear. I only wanted my _car_."

"I thought you liked the apartment in New Hampshire," he replied, his voice hinting the humor he felt. "And until you find a job you need something to live on, you need to buy food—remember, you are a human, you must eat, Bella."

"_You must eat, Bella,_" I mimicked. "I'm fully aware of my physical needs, thank you very much," I snipped, "But I do have my own savings account, with a fair amount of money still; yet another request you overlooked," I reminded him. When we had gone to Dartmouth I had asked that it be used to pay some of the tuition, even though the amount was scant compared to the grand total, but at least I would have felt I had something to bring to the table. But no, that had been "conveniently forgotten". I suppose that my request for the settlement of assets had been "conveniently forgotten" too. Why should I want _anything_that I had not bargained for? The car I allowed him to buy me because of a deal we had, the same went for my tuition at Dartmouth, so it was all fair that I walk away with that. But anything more than that was just too much.

I heard him sigh, "Bella, you realize that whatever I have given you I will get back. I am going to live forever, after all. What is the harm in helping a little? I do not require anything in return, it is my gift to you," he said softly, trying to bargain his way through this with his selflessness, which did not help his case at all. But, was there any point in arguing with him? Hadn't I over the years found out first hand, that it was a lost cause trying to convince him of something once he had made up his mind?

"I really wish you had respected my wishes on this, Edward." I said finally, relenting.

"Will it make you feel better if I sell the apartment and give you the winnings?"

"No!" I protested, but added, "Sell it and _keep_ the winnings."

"Sorry, no can do. It's in your name, all I can do is to help you with the sale of it."

"Ugh," came my usual, brilliant response to all things I didn't want to glorify with an answer.

"You are so stubborn," he said, chuckling.

"Maybe I would have softened up if I hadn't spent the past four years with someone equally stubborn, if not worse!" I retorted coolly.

"I am a vampire, set in my ways. I am entitled to the excuse, you however-"

"Don't tell me I am human!" I snapped. "I am aware, and now I have to be _very_ human because this stupid settlement has made me nervous and I have to pee!"

I snapped the phone shut, but didn't miss the laugh coming from the other side of the line.

Smug vampires! Was there anything worse than that?

Yes. Proud wolves. _That,_ I wouldn't even _try_ to understand.

One month had passed and I hadn't heard anything from Jacob. One would think I had given in and would have tried to go see him by now, or at least call. But no, I was for once trying to show him that I was being serious, that I was not someone who would make decisions on a whim.

That's why I was now living in Port Angeles. That is why I was trying to find a job here, and ultimately this is where I planned on staying, until he asked differently of me. If he were to ever ask me to move back to Forks, then I would. If he asked me to move to La Push, I could do that too! If he asked me to dance, I would ignore my two left feet, grin and bear it. If he wanted me to wear silky dresses and be girly, I could tolerate it as well. Basically I would do anything for him, but until he asked I would remain right here.

Damn I had to pee so bad I thought my bladder would explode.

My new apartment wasn't that bad. It wasn't a designer's dream, nor had it even been that horribly expensive. But it was perfect for me. It had charm, and it had character. Most important of all, it was close to Port Angeles' center. Even if I loved my car, the less I had to use it, the better. I had even went and bought a bicycle.

By the time I came out of the bathroom I hadn't only peed, I had showered and applied light makeup. I had an interview today at Peninsula College where I had applied for a position as a Reading Instructor. They had preferred someone with a Master's Degree in Reading, but with the letter of recommendation Professor Larsen had sent me, plus with what the principal himself from Dartmouth had written I felt the odds were in my favor. My studies had spanned widely and I did hold a Bachelor's Degree in both Reading and Writing. Yes, I had buried myself in studies, I was officially a nerd.

Something should have alerted me at this stage to the fact that Peninsula College was the very college that Jacob attended, but how was I supposed to know that?

I wasn't observant, and the next thing I knew all my papers slipped out of my bag, and I had to react quickly, chasing after the white sheets being swirled in the wind that blew across the almost empty parking lot. Luckily for me, no one had been around to see my mishap. That would have been far too embarrassing.

Of course, Mr Callahan, the Principal of Peninsula College, was impressed with the letters from my Professor and the Principal from Dartmouth. He asked me why I had picked his college out of all possible choices. I explained to him that my dad lived in Forks and that I wanted to be as close to him as possible, and that I happened to like this area, which hadn't been a lie. He didn't need to know exactly _why_ I liked this area.

In other words, the interview was a success and I was no longer unemployed, which in my book called for a celebration. But how? I knew no one here. How could I celebrate? Briefly I thought of calling Charlie and asking him to come up and let me cook him a meal, but then I realized that my dad had told me, after having been to mine and Edward's graduation party, that he would never, ever set foot outside Forks again, unless it was an absolute emergency. Me getting a job, I was sure, didn't qualify as an emergency.

But I would call, I hadn't called him yet which I felt guilty for. I had wanted to set up everything, and get a job first. The last thing I wanted was to call him and tell him I was moving to Port Angeles, only to tell him later on that nothing had become of it. Like the thing about Seattle. As far as he knew I was still in New Hampshire, somewhere. I hadn't even told him about having gone to get a divorce. I figured he would find out soon enough. Also I hadn't wanted to leave room for discussion, although I knew he was not a supporter of Edward.

Suddenly I had the urge to try and find Angela. The sweet girl from Forks High School. She had always been so nice to me, which was more than you could say for Jessica Stanley. Who knew what had become of her? Not that it was something I lost sleep over. However, I had over the years thought about Angela from time to time, and wondered if we could have become good friends, if it hadn't have been for me neglecting everyone for my unnaturally beautiful boyfriend. I suppose I had caused quite the uproar in Forks when I had married Edward fresh out of High School, only to take off to the other side of the country. I wondered what Angela had thought. She had been happy for me, certainly. But, how would I find her?

Internet.

It didn't take me long to find her parents phone number, and I didn't even hesitate when I dialed their number. At first her mom didn't understand who I was, and of course, I had introduced myself as Bella Cullen. Old habits die hard, I smiled grimly.

"I'm sorry, Bella Swan—Chief Swan's daughter." I corrected.

"Oh! Hello Bella, how is life over there?" she asked, seemingly thrilled at my call.

"Actually, I graduated a month ago. I live in Port Angeles now, and I just came home from an interview at Peninsula College. I got the job, so, all is great." I babbled, not really accustomed to holding these conversations with strangers. Not that Angela's mother was a complete stranger, but all the same it felt odd.

"That's lovely, dear. I am guessing you didn't call to gossip with an old bag such as myself. You will not believe your luck, but Angela lives in Port Angeles these days too. Wait just a moment, I will give you her cellphone number-" I heard the phone being put down and the shuffling of papers. "Ah, here we go."

I jotted down Angela's number, thanked her mom and hung up. I guessed this was a lot easier than I had initially thought it would be. My luck indeed—since when was I lucky? This must have been a first.

Angela didn't answer, and I guessed that most likely she was at work. Her mother had told me that she was working at a daycare center. Angela and kids—who would have thought. But, she had always been a sweet girl, so I suppose that it wasn't too difficult to imagine. I left her a message though, and asked her to call me back, filling her in quickly on my whereabouts and that I had just gotten a job, and that it would be nice to catch up, if she felt like I wasn't too creepy.

I hadn't even gotten a chance to pull meat out of the freezer when my phone rang.

"Miss Swan, at your service!" I quipped, testing the feel of having my old name back. It felt great!

"Bella _Swan_? What happened Mr Handsome?" came Angela's soft but excited voice.

"Hey Angela!" I said a bit too cheerfully.

Great way to scare people away, not exactly how you greeted someone you had ignored for the past fours years.

"Wow. The last person I expected, but don't get me wrong. I was actually talking to Jessica only last weekend, and we were at this club, actually the only one worth going to here. We saw that old friend of yours there, and it made us wonder what had happened to you. Oh my goodness, you should have seen him. He is even bigger these days, and oh so handsome."

Huh?

"What friend? And wait, does Jessica live here too?" I asked, not able to hide the tiny twinge of worry in my voice. That wasn't really someone I wanted to bump into again.

"Yes, she does, actually we are almost neighbors. We go out from time to time. She has some administrative job at some bigger company, but they have one of their offices here, out of all places. She requested a transfer from Seattle to be with her boyfriend."

Please don't tell me it's Mike. Enough blasts from the pasts.

"He is perfectly suitable for her, shallow and cares nothing for what's beneath the surface. Obviously, or he wouldn't be with Jessica. She is a friend, but dang she can be such a pain in the ass." Angela's voice had dropped as if Jessica was somewhere close, listening in on our conversation.

"Huh. Well, can't say I disagree with you. She never was my favorite," I replied, smirking.

"But, you just got a job. This calls for a celebration. Let's meet up later. I get out of here after five. I will call you then, okay? I have to hurry back before the kids kill each other!" she exclaimed, giggling.

I couldn't help but laugh, Angela's giddiness, together with my own created a very light and cheerful effect.

"Yep. Later then. Looking forward to it." I replied, still chuckling when I flipped my phone closed. Then I remembered that Angela hadn't answered me about the whole "old friend"-thing. I suppose I would find out later.

I pottered around the apartment, running the vacuum cleaner, dusting. I wondered what she would suggest. I hoped it wouldn't be clubbing. I had been to a club a couple of times with Alice, simply because she thought it was a human adventure I should get to experience. Well, it had been an adventure all right. The loud music, the masses of young men and women grinding their bodies together, like it was one big orgy, had turned out to be an experience I could have done without. But, it could have had something to do with the fact that it had been in New York City. Somehow I doubted that a club in Port Angeles could ever measure up to the magnitude of people at that horrible club in NYC.

Then Angela confirmed my fears when she sent me a message just before five o'clock. She told me to meet her at this Cafe, where we would catch up a little, and when it was the right time, whatever that meant, we would go to the club. Now she also mentioned my "old friend", she said he worked there as a bouncer.

Suddenly I felt horribly ill at ease. Weren't bouncers supposed to be like, really big, and wasn't there some specific age-limit as well? My "old friend", and I was almost certain of exactly whom she was referring to at this stage, was definitely huge, but he also looked a lot older than he really was. I decided I wouldn't obsess too much over it, and it would be dealt with if the need arose.

My nerves weren't in the best condition, so I jumped into the shower again, turning the heat up to the maximum of what I could take without breaking out in blisters, and exfoliated my whole body. Once that horrid ordeal was over with I moved on to a hairdryer, wondering if I should try and straighten out my natural waves for once. I decided on it being an effort worth exploring, and I ended up doing quite a good job of it, if you disregarded the amount of times I burned my fingers and scalp with the damn thing. After making sure I hadn't sustained any prevailing damage I started rummaging through my makeup.

Where was Alice when you _really needed_ her sense of fashion.

I figured I was pretty much on my own, and this was definitely not my area of expertise, so I kept it simple. Mascara and—well, mascara.

Moving on from the bathroom I went to study my clothes. There were plenty of clothes here that Alice had bought me over the past four years, things that I had never worn because I had thought it too outrageous, or not fitting for my quaint Library-life. But now I was taking it all in with a renewed sense of appreciation, although I wasn't sure I would be able to match something as well as she could. What does one wear in a nightclub? I tried to think back on what observations I had made in that club in NYC.

There just wasn't any helping me, and before I knew it I had slipped on a pair of dark denim jeans. Although, these were a bit on the slim side for my liking, in fact, they were hugging my hips a bit too tightly. They were also terribly low-cut; was it supposed to be like this? I turned in front of my mirror, and that's when I saw it. I gasped.

"God! You can see my thong!" I shrieked at my reflection, beginning to unbutton them quickly. "Perhaps not," I muttered to myself, tossing them into a corner, making a mental note to give them away to charity. I had decided to wear some of the lingerie me and Alice had bought that day, since I hadn't had a chance yet to use them. Catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror in the lacy thong and the matching push-up made me feel like a stranger was sharing my bedroom all of a sudden. Ignoring my reflection I went back to rummaging through the bottomless well of clothes in my wardrobe. This time I pulled out yet another pair of jeans, stonewashed with studs. Huh. I couldn't remember those, but I decided on giving them a try. They were still quite low, but not like the others, and even though they were still hugging my hips I felt there was still room to breathe and move. I decided to add a black leather belt, also sporting studs. Perhaps this could be my new thing?

Tops were hard to find, they were all too revealing and that wasn't really my thing, so I settled for a simple, pale gray tank top. It was an improvement from what I used to wear. As I had told Alice, I may have gained an appreciation for fashion, but ultimately I was a jeans-and-tee girl.

It was time to go, or I would leave Angela waiting.

I stuck my feet into a pair of black shoes, pulled on my jacket and left, snatching my purse from the hook. Uh oh. Quickly I turned back and swept up my cellphone, before finally rushing out the door.

Angela wasn't hard to miss, her dark hair was pulled back into a stylish do, her angular face sported a pair of thickly rimmed glasses, and she smiled at me hugely.

"Oh. My. God. Bella! Look at you!" she squealed, her exuberance reminding me of Alice.

Angela bounced out of her seat where she sat outside the Cafe, and came over to give wrap her arms around me gently. "Just—wow. You look so different." she gushed, sweeping her hands up and down the length of me, causing my cheeks to feel a bit warm.

"You're one to talk," I said quickly, dismissing her animated gestures. "You look great." I offered, feeling more out of touch with this part of social interaction than ever.

We sat down, just as a waitress came out to ask us for our orders.

"Just a Latte for me," said Angela.

"Coffee, black," I added when the woman looked at me.

"Anything else?" she asked politely.

"We're good for now," I replied, offering her a smile, then I turned to Angela who seemed to be bouncing in her seat, unspoken questions bubbling beneath the surface.

"So tell me," she said quietly, when the waitress walked off, "How come you are Bella _Swan_and not Bella _Cullen_? What happened?" her eyes glittered expectantly.

"It didn't work out," I offered simply. "We grew apart. I suppose it was just one of those, head-over-heels things."

She leaned in, whispering, "Judging from some of the gossip, I half expected you would return with kids."

I groaned. I had known it beforehand, so it didn't come as a shock to me.

"Well, what can I say; they broke the mold when they made me." I gestured up into sky.

"I'll say. But I didn't really think you would be that girl. You actually seemed genuinely in love with him. But, I understand. Me and Ben ended about a year ago, but we're still good friends."

She sat back again.

The waitress returned soon after with our order. I thanked her, then brought the hot coffee to my lips, sipping it greedily.

"So, what's this club like?" I asked, not being able to put it off any longer. I wanted a chance to back out if what she told me of the place was too daunting.

Her eyes lit up, "Oh, it's a very nice club. Not very large, but large enough. It's the best place around here, and surprisingly it's always packed. You'd think with a small place like this, people would rather go elsewhere when summer comes around. But, actually it seems the place becomes more popular. Could be because of the tourists, but you'll see soon enough." she said, winking at me.

"And what about this guy? You said something about an 'old friend' of mine working there," I asked casually, not wanting to seem like it interested me too much.

"Oh! Yes, he is Quileute. I remember being shocked when I saw him in school that one time. He was so big, compared to when we had seen him at First Beach. But—holy cow, he's like, massive now!" she exclaimed, throwing her hands out, as if she was measuring his mass.

I barely held on to my coffee when her hand smacked someone in the chest. She blushed and apologized to a man who looked to be in his thirties. He just smiled at us.

"No worries, s'alright ladies," he said cheerfully, his accent sounding British, or could it have been Australian?

Ah, the tourists.

When he had disappeared, Angela bit her lip saucily, "He was hot!" she said under her breath.

I smirked. "He was okay, I guess." I offered, shrugging my shoulders.

"I bet you would like to check out your old friend," she teased, her eyes twinkling mischievously.

"Well, if he is," I threw my hands out, mimicking her previous gesture, "This big, then of course!" I exclaimed, feigning a swoon.

"I bet you would," she said conspiratorially, ignoring my sarcasm.

We sat there for a good two hours just talking. I ended up ordering a salad, not having eaten dinner. I certainly hoped I wouldn't have to do social drinking, I wasn't a big fan of it. Unless they had something along the lines of that punch I had tasted at the party where I had nearly kissed Jon.

"I think we're good to go now. There should be some people there by now," she said, looking at her wristwatch. "Let's start making our way there." she got up and put a few bills on the table, and I followed suit.

We walked for about ten minutes, then she rounded a corner, pointing ahead.

"There it is, charming isn't it?" she said.

My eyes followed her gesture and came to rest at boring brick building with large, blue doors, covered by an arched roof. A big neon sign spelled the name out in a bright blue. Well, this was going to be interesting, I thought as my eyes scanned the groups of people outside the door.

"It's not as scary as it looks," she said, giggling then dragging me along. "Whatever you do, stay away from the bartender with the name-tag 'Lucy'," she added, lowering her voice, "She mixes poison in her drinks or something. I have seen big men drop from her cocktails."

I nodded fervently, "Will do. Thanks for the heads up."

Then Angela pulled the door open, and we entered.

Walking around and stressing about this all evening soon proved to have been a waste of time, it was nothing at all like what I had expected, it was actually kind of nice. Not that I appreciated the loud music, but at least it wasn't extravagant and packed. My eyes scanned the open area. To my left was a reception-desk, of some sort, where you could hand over your jackets. Which I went for, feeling the warmth that washed over me and felt I didn't want to break out in a sweat. There was also a slight smokey smell in the air, but not like cigarettes or something burning. I wrinkled my nose and Angela laughed at me.

"That comes from the dance floor, where they let out a bit of smoke from time to time," she explained, motioning over to the right where, very correctly, I spied a small dance area. Not at all even close to the size of the one in New York, which suited me just fine, not that I was going to dance.

We handed over our jackets, getting a number-tag in return.

"I am going to order a drink, what do you want? It's my treat."

"Uh," came my unsure reply. "Whatever you're having?" I suggested, hoping I wasn't getting myself into trouble. Please don't drink beer, please don't drink beer.

She took in my expression, which I wasn't sure displayed discomfort or fear. Then she laughed and nodded.

I walked into the club, peering around, and feeling a little curious. Disregard the terrible music and it wasn't so bad. It was so much smaller than what I had thought it would be, but still large enough to feel like a club. Maybe it wasn't the correct term to use when describing a place like this, but it felt sort of cozy.

Angela returned quite quickly, handing me a colorful drink.

"To new beginnings!" she cheered, raising her glass to me.

I couldn't help the big smile that worked its way into my stiff lips. I could definitely toast to new beginnings. So I raised my glass to hers.

"To new beginnings," I agreed, then I brought the glass to my lips, sipping the contents. "Hey, this isn't half bad," I admitted, surprised. It was very fruity, and I could hardly taste the alcohol.

Angela gave me a triumphant smile and took me by the elbow, leading me through the crowd. We stopped at a table where three girls sat, Angela obviously knew them.

"Emma!" she gushed, the small girl in the middle jumping up to throw her arms around Angela's neck.

"Hey Ange!" she trilled, her body bouncing up and down like a small child. "Didn't expect to see you here tonight!" she continued gushing.

I shoved my hands in my pockets, trying to smile. This was not my thing, and I felt really dumb standing there.

"Hey, Emma, this is Bella, I went to High School with her. She just moved here, freshly graduated out of Dartmouth, I think," she looked at me for assistance.

"Yeah," I confirmed, grinning.

"And today she got a job, so we're celebrating!" she bragged, like a proud mother.

"Great!" Emma exclaimed, "Why don't you join us? This table has the greatest view, if you know what I mean," she said, winking at Angela who grinned knowingly.

"Are you still trying? Even after the strange kiss slash rejection thing?" Angela said, her voice light and teasing.

"Are you kidding? That just made me even more persistent. I love how he plays hard to get, but I know he's really a big softy underneath." Emma rambled, her eyes taking on a dreamy quality.

"Well, maybe Bella can fill you in, because she actually used to be friends with him back in High School, she can even tell you his name, because I sure don't remember it." Angela offered, and suddenly all the women around the table were staring at me.

Huh?

"What?" I asked, feeling uncomfortable by their expectant gazes.

"The Quileute, your friend from La Push, what was his name again?"

My brain wasn't quite following, so I just blurted his name out.

"Jacob?"

"Jacob!" Emma and Angela squealed in unison.

"Now I remember!" Angela cheered.

"I just _knew_ he would have the cutest name!" Emma sighed, starry eyed.

I couldn't say anything, I just blinked at them dumbly. Why were they talking about Jacob? What did they know about him? And why was this petite, blue-eyed blonde being all lovey-dovey over him?

"Oh my God, Bella, you have to tell me, what's the secret," Emma brought me out of my daze.

"Huh?"

Wow. I was being so unbelievably profound tonight.

"Why is he playing so hard to get, is there some sad love-story behind it?" she pressed, her eyes glittering.

Was she seriously asking me to spill the beans on Jacob's private life? No way. But I could play along. I wanted to find out who this little doll-like woman was, and why she was so interested in Jake.

"I'm not sure, but I think he had a big thing for this girl, but she got married and moved away. Not sure why a guy would be obsessing over something like that, but, there you go." I told her, trying to sound indifferent. Angela gave me a strange look.

"Could that girl have been you?" she asked me straight out.

Okay, I hadn't thought this one through.

"What? No! That's ridiculous!" I sputtered, laughing. Damn. That was the most terrible laugh I'd ever heard coming from my mouth. Definitely fake, and I could see Angela was onto me.

Crap.

"Oh," she said under her breath, dragging out the 'o', "I smell drama."

They were all looking at me again.

"What now!" I exclaimed.

"You have to tell us the story, come on. Emma has been dying to get to know more about this guy for months and months. Put us _all_ out of our misery and give the girl some insider info," Angela said pleadingly.

I groaned loudly. "I don't think Jake would appreciate me talking about his private life. If he wanted you to know, trust me, he would tell you," I said, smiling reassuringly.

If I was to get out of it I would have to play nice. Flying off the handle like a jealous girlfriend wouldn't work with this crowd.

"Aw, come on, please Bella." Emma begged. "Anything, something. Tell me, what was he like back then?"

I couldn't believe I was still standing here, and not jumping down her throat. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that she was actually kind of sweet. She was so tiny after all, and she looked at me like a puppy, making me feel like going "Aw". What would it hurt to tell about what he was like back then, he wasn't the same anymore. At least not much, he was damaged these days, thanks to me.

"All right." I gave in.

Emma grabbed my hands and pulled me down to sit between her and her friends. I felt fairly uncomfortable—well, that was an understatement.

"Ask me questions, and I will answer the ones I can," I offered, and watched Angela sit down across from us, sipping her drink, and leaning in. Obviously she wanted to hear some things too.

For a brief moment I looked around the table, taking in the dreamy expressions on all their faces. I couldn't believe I was sitting here in the middle of a group of girly women, about to indulge in their gushy fantasies. Or should I say, indulge _them_.

"How old is he?" came a question from my right, and I looked at the dark haired woman with an olive complexion and brown eyes. "Oh, by the way, I'm Serena." She beamed at me.

Uh oh. I could possibly endanger his employment. Lie or—lie? So, I lied, but chancing a quick look at Angela, begging her with my eyes not to call me on it.

"He should be... 25 by now, I think," I said smoothly, surprised with how easily it came. Hopefully there was no crazy age restriction on bouncers in this place. Twenty-five should be safe enough, right?

"What's his last name?" Emma asked, barely unable to hide her excitement.

God! Why hadn't I thought of this before? I should have said no.

"The name's Black, and if you'll excuse me ladies, I need to borrow Bella for a moment," came the unmistakably familiar, deep and husky voice. My eyes flew up the moment his hand reached out and grabbed mine, pulling me away from the frozen statues now surrounding the table. "I'll bring her back very shortly, and you can go back to—whatever you were doing."

I heard their gasps behind me as I was being towed away, not really sure where he was taking me. He opened a door, dragging me down a hallway. I nearly cried out in relief, having lost the horrible music, which was only a low thumping now.

Jacob opened another door and pulled me in through it, closing it behind us, then he turned to face me. I took in our surroundings, realizing we were in some kind of a change room. I noticed the lockers running along the walls.

His eyes raked over me, but quickly came back up to fix on mine. I gulped. He looked—so damn good. Instantly I felt myself wanting to take his clothes off, to reveal that beautiful body he'd barely let me explore last time we saw each other. Whatever he saw in my eyes, or my expression seemed to half anger, half amuse him.

"What are you doing here, Bella?" he asked me finally, his voice low.

"Um. I, uh-" I found it very difficult to speak with a dry mouth. I needed a drink.

He raised an eyebrow, the corner of his mouth twitching. Was he going to laugh at me again? Why did I always amuse him? It was infuriating, _he_ was infuriating!

"I don't have much time, I am working, and my job is out there," he jerked his chin in the general direction over my shoulder.

My brain started working a bit better, and I swallowed again, "Why haven't you called?" I asked, keeping my voice level.

Something in his eyes flashed, but he composed himself quickly.

"I told you I needed time, and I also asked you not to contact me, so, I'm gonna ask you again; what are you doing here?" The black tee he wore fit snugly around his torso, and the black, straight pants he wore, together with the black shoes made him look so—dammit but he looked sexy. I wanted him, right now. Again, I found myself losing my head as my lustful thoughts took over. It wasn't fair that he affected me this way. I didn't want to be like this.

"Here at this club, or in Port Angeles?" I replied, mentally shaking off my less proper thoughts. I smirked at him when his eyes flashed with irritation.

"Both," he demanded.

"I happen to live in Port Angeles these days, and I am at this club because Angela took me here to celebrate my new job at Peninsula College." I said, triumphant when I saw his eyes widen, his stiff stance seemingly faltering.

"What?" Was all he could ask, as he stared at me in disbelief.

"I said I live-"

"I heard what you said." He snapped.

"Why are you angry, Jacob? Should I have asked your permission first? As I recall you told me not to contact you, so what was I supposed to do?"

"Does _he_ live here too?" He hissed.

"No," replied flatly, "As a matter of fact I am Bella _Swan_ these days."

His lips parted, as if to say something, but then he remained that way. He just stared at me, so I held up my hand, showing him my bare ring finger, wriggling my fingers at him for added effect.

"Aren't you happy?" I heard myself asking, my voice having softened. "Have I missed something?" I continued when he just kept staring at me. What was wrong with him? "I tried to tell you I was being serious, there is no one I want but you." I whispered now, and I was moving toward him.

My advances seemed to bring him out of his trance, and suddenly he pushed past me. I whirled on him, about to call out for him, begging him not to leave, but his hand just reached out and locked the door. Then he turned back to me. One look at his eyes was all that was needed.

They were full of raw desire, and he stalked toward me. I swallowed loudly before the length of him pushed me into the cold steel of the lockers behind me, making my head hit the wall. In that moment I couldn't feel any pain or discomfort though because his burning hands captured my face and his hot mouth descended on mine, rough and urgent.

His tongue plunged into my mouth, demanding me to answer, and I did, throwing my arms around his neck. My hands twisted into his silky hair, pulling him closer, eliciting a growl in response. The taste of him on my tongue made my head swim, and I wriggled against him, wanting to feel every inch of his hard body. He dropped his hands to my hips, his fingers digging into my flesh. I moaned as he pushed his hips into me, as if he wanted me to know just where this was going, what his intentions were. God, he felt so good against me.

A wave of heat surged through me and my heart sputtered in pure joy. He wanted me, he was finally going to give me all of him, and I wasn't going to stop him, not this time. I was prepared for this, I had gone to the doctor to get the pill the same day me and Edward had filed for divorce. I wasn't going to risk another opportunity to pass me by. There was nobody I wanted or would ever want as much as I wanted Jacob.

When his hands released me and went straight for my belt I almost cried out, but I responded by returning the favor. It was as if whatever thing had possessed us had us moving in a frenzy, and suddenly we couldn't undress fast enough. While he lowered himself down the front of me to push down my jeans my hands roamed the broad planes of his shoulders, the tousled mess of his hair, then my jeans were off, and he came back up, his mouth devouring every part of my exposed skin in his path. When his face was finally level with mine he caught my lips against, sucking them, nibbling and caressing with his tongue. I answered joyfully, passionately, leaving his mouth momentarily to kiss and taste his skin, grazing my teeth along the strong line of his jaw. I couldn't get enough of how good he tasted, salty and sweet mixed, and God his musky smell intoxicated me, causing my blood to boil.

I dropped my hands, letting them roam down his chest, feeling the rippling of his muscles beneath. His hands were back on my hips, running back across my butt. Then he stopped, sucking in a sharp breath, and he took a step back, staring down at me.

"God Bells," he said, his voice thick and husky.

I blinked at him dumbly, wondering what had happened.

"What?" I asked, breathless.

"You're wearing a goddamn thong..." he said, dazed.

My face flushed, "Oh," I said, feeling embarrassed, but then I looked at him, really looked and saw the lust in his eyes.

"Remove your shirt," he demanded brusquely.

I just obeyed, transfixed by the fire in his eyes, and pulled my shirt over my head.

A strained groan slipped past his lips and in an instant he had me pinned against the wall of lockers again, his hands burning trails across my skin. His forehead rested against mine, but his eyes were closed, and his chest heaved against me.

"I need you, now. I can't wait anymore, I'm done waiting," he whispered urgently, his hot breath washing over me, dazing me.

His hands continued kneading my skin, causing the ache within me to escalate painfully. One hand left my butt to skim along my side, across the front of me, upward, his fingers trailing over the swell of my breast. All the while he kept his stance, the quickening of his and my breaths mingling together when his other hand grazed around my hip, a finger curling around the elastic of my lacy thong. Then, with a painfully slow movement he slipped his hand down the front of me, his fingers reaching for me. It became increasingly difficult to breathe as I anticipated the heat of his fingers, his other hand now cupping my neck and tilting my head. I arched into him, letting my head fall back when his lips touched the sensitive skin of my neck, and his fingers dipped down, sliding across my aching center, his hand cupping me. He sucked the skin of my neck into his mouth, and I felt his teeth nibble at me. Then he slipped a finger inside, his palm pressing against me. I moaned and pushed against him, feeling another finger making its way inside me as he moved his palm against me in slow, painful circles.

My own hands clutched at him, desperately searching leverage to pull myself against him, wanting him closer, deeper, consuming me. His raspy breaths fanning over my face continued, and there wasn't anything surrounding me that wasn't his smell, his touch, his sounds; Jacob was all around me and I needed him to fill my body and soul, too. All of him.

"Jake, I need you, please," I whimpered between breaths.

"Soon, honey. I just love how you feel, how you smell—God." He withdrew his hand from me, shoving his boxers down, then he grabbed for my ass, lifting me up against him. My legs came around his waist, my arms circling his neck, squeezing myself to him. His eyes held mine captive as I felt him twist my thong to the side, his fingers grazing against me. The intensity of his gaze made everything come to a complete standstill. All I could hear was the pounding of my own pulse behind me ears, the shortened breaths he drew as he lowered me, and I felt his heat against me, pushing into me, slowly filling me. I continued gazing at him, forcing my eyes to hold his as they glazed over when he sheathed himself deeply within me, touching my very core. I drew in a ragged breath, just as his mouth covered mine, and he pinned me against the sleek surface behind me. For a moment he stayed completely still, only our lips and tongues dancing together in synch, waiting for me to adjust to him. Then, slowly he moved himself against me, his hands guiding my hips as I fell into his rhythm. The feeling of him was incredible, and before I could stop them I felt tears burn behind my closed lids. Maybe we were in a dingy locker room of a mediocre nightclub, and maybe I was pressed up against his co-workers locker, but that meant nothing in comparison to what we were sharing in this moment. All else paled and faded away, until it was only him and me, our bodies moving together in a rhythm that was unfamiliar yet it felt as if I had known it my whole life. I was caught up in the ache that grew and spread through me, my heart racing, and my mouth catching Jacob's hot breaths that filled me as sweetly as his body consumed me. Flames licked up against my insides, igniting a fire within my core that escalated, while an amazingly torturous ache knotted the pit of my stomach. My whimpers mingled with our twisting tongues, and his fingers dug into me, forcing himself to hang on to me as I felt him begin to tremble in my arms.

He was struggling with himself, trying to hold on, waiting for me; I felt it, and I clutched myself closer, savoring the man I loved, letting it take me over. I was falling, letting go and holding on at the same time. There was nothing sweeter, better than the taste of Jacob, and it surrounded me, made me sink, the fire within me so powerful that I felt it would burn me alive.

Suddenly I felt everything a million times stronger and the force of it overwhelmed me, brought me over the edge, making me grab handfuls of Jake's hair, pulling him roughly against me as a violent tremble broke through me. An immense heat filled me the moment I cried out his name, collapsing in his arms. That's when I noticed how much he was shaking and before I knew it we were sinking toward the floor, until he was kneeling down with me on his lap. His chest heaved but his hands released me, moving up the small of my back, circling my waist to hold me close. We were both panting, and I felt the perspiration on my forehead, not really knowing if it was from him or me, or both.

"God. Honey, you nearly killed me." He chuckled, the sound deep and throaty.

My lids fluttered open and I met his deep, brown eyes so full of love that it knocked the wind out of me.

"Jacob," I whispered, "I am taking you home with me, because we are doing that again."

"Goddammit Bells, you gotta give me a minute here," he said softly, giving me his heartbreaking smile.

"Okay," I whispered back, "You have _one_ minute." I grinned when he shook his head in disbelief, leaning in to place his lips softly against mine in a tender kiss.

"I love you," he murmured against my lips. "I can't believe that after all these years, and finally you're here, in my arms. You've no idea how many times I've imagined this."

His eyes and his face showed the raw emotion and vulnerability I could only have hoped he would ever show me, but he did, and it overwhelmed me, stunning me into silence. It just struck me then how difficult all this had been for him, and also how much this meant; more than I could ever have imagined or understood. I had known that he loved me, and I had seen glimpses of this all those years ago. But what he showed me now went so much deeper, as if what had just transpired had tore down all the walls he'd built to protect himself. Not even back in those days, when he had fought for me, had I ever seen this side of him. He must have kept a part of himself hidden, because he had known that I would leave, and he wouldn't have survived it if he had opened up to me like this back then. I doubted that my idiotic, adolescent self could have ever appreciated the depths to Jacob that made him into the man he was.

God, I had been so stupid, so stubborn, and so very proud.

"I have to go back to work, Bells," he mumbled against my cheek, raining kisses in a trail to my ear, "Let me sleep at your place tonight," he added in a whisper, and the naked need in that simple request sent a shuddering tingle through my whole body.

"Sure," I squeaked, my stomach doing somersaults.

We dressed quickly, but not without our hands straying from time to time, touching and stealing kisses on our way through the corridor leading back to the bar. Just as I reached for the door, Jacob whirled me back to crush me to him, pressing his lips hotly against mine. When he pulled away my heart was racing again, and he smirked at me.

"I'll see you later, honey."

With that he pulled the door open and pushed me ahead of him, his hand placed possessively around me as he led me back to the table where Angela and Emma still sat, and I wondered how long we had really been gone. I said silent thanks to the dim light in the club, and hoped that there would be no signs giving away what had just happened. But when my eyes met Angela's curious gaze I felt a blush creep into my cheeks, and suddenly I felt very flustered.

"What happened?" Angela asked the moment Jacob left, and I stared after him, nearly forgetting to answer her question.

"Ah—he wanted to catch up on old times," I offered, hoping I was being convincing enough.

"Uh huh, old times you say?" She looked me over, giving me a meaningful nod, and all I could think was how I wished the ground would open up and swallow me whole.

"I could use a drink, it's really hot in here, isn't it?" I said, getting up quickly and smiling apologetically at Emma, then walked over to the bar, dragging Angela with me.

"So, what _really_ happened?" Angela asked while we were waiting our turn at the bar.

I glanced toward the table where Emma sat looking at us intensely, then I rested my elbows on the bar-top, leaning toward Angela. "Okay, so there _might_ be something going on between me and Jacob, but judging by Emma's stares I can tell that she wouldn't react to that—nicely." I couldn't hide the unease in my voice and both me and Angela peered over at where Emma sat, now looking in a different direction, looking at Jacob actually who in turn seemed to be immersed in a debate with a couple of guys.

"Emma has had a huge crush on him for a long time ever since he saved her from some sleazebag, but I doubt that she'd freak out about him being unavailable, it's not like he's shown any interest in her," Angela replied confidently.

"If you say so."

Somehow I wanted to believe in what Angela was saying, and I didn't really know this Emma, or why she was so interested in Jacob to start with, besides the obvious fact that his good looks were criminal. Add to that the fact that he had the biggest heart, and I loved him so completely, feeling that somehow by some miracle he still loved me just the same. When I kept looking at him I felt that all I wanted to do was to go home, and crawl into bed and wait for him to finish work.

When we finally got our drinks, and had gotten back to the table Emma was no longer there, and me and Angela exchanged glances, before taking a look around the club.

I'd like to say that after what had just happened between me and Jacob I should have felt confident, and trusted in "us", but when my eyes came to rest on Emma standing in front of the man I loved, a wave of jealousy shot through me. It shocked me, because I had never really felt anything like it. Sure, I had felt somewhat intimidated by Tanya, the gorgeous Denali sister who had been interested in Edward once. But this was different, and I couldn't tear my eyes away from them.

Emma seemed to be the one doing all the talking, while Jacob just stood there, his face stoic. I hoped it was because her advances made him uncomfortable, but then she touched his arm and I felt myself stiffen in my seat, automatically grabbing my drink and taking a big mouthful of the fruity liquid. Angela glanced at me, then she turned her head, looking in the same direction as me.

"God, the girl never gives up," Angela said humorously, letting out a scoff.

"Can't say she isn't persistent," added the other friend who had been fairly quiet so far.

Jacob removed her hand, his mouth moving as he told her something, which caused Emma to turn her head, looking directly at me. I wished so badly that I could have heard what Jacob had said because Emma's mouth hung open while she continued staring at me. Then when I glanced at Jacob who was also looking at me, a small smile playing on his lips, and his eyes loving me across the large room. Warmth surged through me and I couldn't help returning a smile.

"You know Angela, I think I should head on home. It was really nice to come here with you, but I'm a bit tired."

She grinned, her eyes twinkling. "Well, I'd say you got more than you bargained for, am I right?"

"I guess you _could_ say that," I replied, feeling the warmth in my cheeks again.

Even though many years had passed since High School I still felt that Angela was a really sweet person, and I made a point of not neglecting friends anymore.

Angela told me she would stay for a while longer and I nodded, giving her a quick hug and promised I would give her a call so we could go this again sometime. After that I got up and left, taking one last look around to spot Jacob, but he wasn't anywhere in sight so I continued out the doors after I had received my jacket.

I hoped the time would pass quickly, but I knew that when you are really waiting for something time moves painfully slow. But, I wasn't got to let it get to me, because all that really mattered was that Jacob was going to spend the night with me; this time there would be no pressure from any direction, no interruptions, but most important of all was how much it meant to me that Jacob's arms would be wrapped around me as I fell asleep. It was something I found myself wishing I wouldn't have to go without, ever again. Just as long as I didn't lose my cool, and just as long as I kept in mind that Jacob truly loved me.

After I'd showered and slipped into a silky neglige I dove beneath the covers on my bed, my phone cradled closely, just waiting for when Jacob would show up. I needed him, and I could hardly wait.


	14. Goddess of Mine

_I'm head over heels goddess of mine,  
your curls touching my-face, and now I can fly  
You brought my life back,  
The glory you found, I'm in deep debt, without-you I wouldn't survive_

_Curly Sue  
By  
Takida_

**~* Goddess of Mine *~**

_**Jacob...**_

Working at Lee's club had never really been something I'd enjoyed, but tonight more than any other night I very nearly just walked out, not caring if I'd get fired or not. Very nearly. In the end I did stay, I had no other choice really, if I wanted to finish my studies and fill up the dent I'd made in my savings account from the fiasco trip to New Hampshire.

I had started my shift earlier, just like I had many nights since I returned from seeing Bella. On the top of my list was "keeping busy", which was difficult in La Push. Sure enough there was Leah there, and Seth; they were okay company. But when the one you really wanted around had sent you to hell and back, yet still you couldn't make yourself hate her or forget her, then it didn't really matter what kinda company you kept; all you wanted wanted was her, and nothing else.

The more I had allowed myself to think about her supposed excuse as to why she left me, the more I'd found myself believing it. I don't know why, because initially I had gotten what I had expected from her, as always. In my mind she had went back to her leech, and again I'd been the moron who'd fallen for her talk. But I'd been over this in my head many times over the years; when it came to Bella all I really could do in the end was to give in, no matter the consequences.

The dumb thing with going to New Hampshire and inviting her to my room was that I hadn't predicted my addiction to her, which is what she was; my addiction, everything I could ever want, and she was _it_. So when I'd gotten a taste of her, after having been so close, only to wake and find her gone, then hearing her talking to that freak on the phone–I'd just reacted. All I had known was that I had to get out of there, and as far away from them as possible. First I had considered going to their little love-nest to confront the asshole–I had really wanted a piece of him. But when it came to Bella, I had realized that I wouldn't have been able to look at her without losing it, and when I say losing it, then I mean that I wouldn't have survived it. So, survival instinct kicked in and I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

But, she had insisted on me having it all backward, that she'd gone to get me breakfast–what the hell? Out of all excuses she could have made, that had been one weird ass excuse. I'd nearly rammed Leah's phone into the wall when I'd heard it. That Bella would try and lie herself out of something that we both knew she was good at–love me and leave me–was just fucked up, and the fact that she'd expected me to believe her, had been laughable. Bella was, and always would be, a lousy liar, I could see right through her, time hadn't changed that part. Which is why, the more I had thought about the whole breakfast thing and that I had missed half the conversation, the more I had started realizing that she had been telling me the truth. She'd been too desperate, too wired, too vulnerable when she'd tried to get it across to me, and it had told me that I had been a complete jackass.

All those things aside I had figured one thing out though, and that was that I wanted some time to myself, but it wasn't because I wanted to think things over. I had known what and who I wanted since I's learned why my heart started beating weirdly around her, and how her smile had always done strange things to my insides. Even as a little scrawny squirt I'd known I loved her, and that I was gonna ask her to be mine one day, and we were gonna have a family—she was gonna be to me what my mom had been to my dad, but so much more too. She had made me wanna be more than I was, and for her I'd do anything, even cross my own limit of comforts—hell, she had been worth it, she always would be.

So yeah, that hadn't been why I'd needed time.

As I saw it I had jumped to conclusions, and probably I'd put her through a hell of a lot of crap for being such a freaking girl, so what I needed was time to work out a game plan on how to make it up to her. I'd be damned if I was gonna have her see finally, after all this time, that she loved me and then when we got to be together I'd throw all her mistakes in her face. It was fair to say she'd probably beaten herself up over it enough, and I'd seen the guilt in her face. I didn't want to see it anymore, and it would be one of my missions in life to make sure I didn't put it there anymore.

Of course I messed up, I always did, and it hadn't been an exception when I'd spotted her at work tonight. At first I'd thought she'd come looking for me, but then I'd heard Emma grilling her and all I'd wanted was to get Bella away from her. I didn't want her to know that I'd kissed Emma, and that the woman had been relentless since then, being even more insistent on getting close to me. Knowing Bella she wouldn't have taken that too good, but I had been mesmerized by her cool, and how she'd given in to those women, willing to spill some dirt on me. In a way I'd been curious what she'd reveal, but then Bella had started freaking out, not like she was hyperventilating or anything, but I'd seen it in her face. So I'd decided that it was time to get her out of there. That, and I'd really wanted to know what she was doing here.

Out of all things I hadn't been prepared for what she'd told me, and it had blown away all my intentions of keeping a level head. Not only had she moved here, but she lived on her own, and she had divorced Edward. It had been like blow after freaking powerful blow, like she'd gone loose on me with a sledgehammer, completely knocking down whatever resistances I had. On top of it all she had looked so damn irresistible that I hadn't been able to keep my hands off her after she'd revealed that she was free—she was Bella Swan again. Then she'd told me that she wanted me, and that had been it. I admit that it wasn't the best time or place, but after all these years of torture, wanting her so damn badly, loving her, running myself into the ground for her; there she had been, wanting _me_, choosing _me_. If I hadn't been sold already I was a goner when I'd seen her in that lacy number she'd been wearing beneath those tight jeans.

Goddammit, she had been everything I'd imagined times a freaking billion.

No matter how inappropriate our revenue had been I couldn't bring myself to regret that it had happened, not after all this time, but I was gonna make it up to her and show her that I wasn't some horn-dog. The thing is, I don't think she would mind if I was, which again made me wonder what the hell her sex life had been like, as disgusting as it was to imagine it—enough, Jake. The bloodsucker was out of the picture now, so there was no need to be thinking about that sick crap anymore.

All in all I was glad that I hadn't left work tonight, but now when I was looking around the crowd I couldn't see her. Then the last person I wanted to see came up to me.

Keep it cool man, she's been told once.

"Emma," I said, acknowledging her as she came to lean against the bar where I stood.

"Jacob," she replied, saying my name like it was the greatest thing since—I don't know, whatever rocked her socks. I guess I did though, figuratively speaking. I smirked.

"I bet you're really smug about the name thing now," I told her, raising an eyebrow when a bright smile lit up her face.

"It suits you," she said, still smiling.

"It better, I'm kinda stuck with it." I tried to be polite, to be nice, it wasn't her fault I'd had to be the hero when I rescued her, or that I had mauled her here when I'd been upset about Bella. It had been a really stupid move, but, I was an idiot so nothing new there.

Emma sighed next to me, frowning now. "I suppose I see why you like her, she was nice—pretty, very pretty."

Then she turned to me, and before I could stop her she had stretched up to peck my cheek.

"I'll give up, suppose it was a lost cause from the start," she said, shrugging her small shoulders. I felt kinda bad for her, especially since I had probably planted some hope in her mind when I'd grabbed her and kissed her.

"I think, if you wanna find a nice guy, this ain't the place to hang out you know. You're a nice woman, and most men here are only after one thing," I said, trying to somehow make her feel better.

"Maybe," she agreed halfheartedly, then her eyes lit up and she leaned in conspiratorially, "You don't happen to have any nice uh—friends?"

Oh I see where this is going, but hold up—maybe there was something I could do to make up for getting her hopes up. I hadn't talked to any of the guys at the res for a long time, and I wasn't sure if my idea was very good. But somehow I had this feeling about Emma, that she was a good character, gentle and honest. Not too unlike Bella if I really thought about it. Only thing is Bella would never have been so forward about finding guys, but who knew, I definitely hadn't thought she would turn into the confident woman she seemed to be these days. Well, she _was_ a woman now, guess that had something to do with it.

Before I could really think it through I opened my mouth, "I do know a guy, he lives down in La Push, used to be one of my best friends actually-"

Emma's eyes twinkled, "Oh! What's his name, and how old is he?" she asked, the words rushing out of her, making me laugh.

"Embry Call, he's a good guy, he's my age—how about this; you give me your number, and I'll give you a call when I've talked to him, since it's been a while since I last saw him, so I gotta lay it on him gently, you know," I suggested, smirking. I wasn't sure at all how he would react to me, because I hadn't exactly been very social lately. In fact I'd been a dweeb, and I couldn't expect the guys to welcome me back with open arms.

Bringing more palefaces to the res, they would love that—yeah, not the best idea but I felt bad for her, and she was nice; and, Embry hadn't imprinted—shit.

That was an issue I hadn't thought of for years, and I wondered why. Maybe this was a really bad idea after all, did I really wanna set Emma up for the same heartache as Leah?

Goddammit Jake, you're such a moron, outta touch. I'd spent too much time out in the "real world", and all the wolf crap had somehow slipped, however that had even been possible. But I didn't phase often these days, I had too much control, and I hadn't slipped since that night when I'd been messed up about Bella going off to explore her sexuality. Not even when I'd thought she'd used me and gone back to the leech, or when I'd talked to her after I came back home to La Push—like I had finally found my balance.

But why should Embry imprint? Who said that him and Emma would hit it off anyway? There was no need to get all worked up because of a "what if".

Emma had been writing her number down and she brought me out of my inner debate when she shoved a piece of paper in my hand. "There's my number, and Jacob—I'll be expecting that call, don't you stand me up now," she warned, but her eyes showed excitement and—damn, hope—great going man, you've really done it now, haven't you?

"I'll see what I can do, but I can't promise anything, okay?"

She nodded surreptitiously, and told me "Okay." Then she turned and walked off to join her friends who were no doubt wondering what she was up to. Bella's friend was glancing at me, her face curious. I remembered seeing that girl once, I think it was at the graduation party at the Cullens. I shuddered involuntarily, that was a place I wouldn't hold my breath to see again, never would be too soon.

Tonight especially I could have appreciated some of the usual club-drama to keep me busy, but of course the guys decided to behave and the girls didn't bother to bait them to act like rabid dogs. Lucky me; and I was stuck with an overly conversational Luce. She grilled me about every tiny detail she could think of, and there was no end to the questions about Bella and who she was, where did she come from, how long had I known her—on and on.

"Don't you have a drink to mix?" I asked finally, cutting off her incessant babble.

She scoffed, and snipped back, "Don't you have a bed to warm?"

"I can't wait to get off work, especially since it means getting away from you," I told her, rolling my eyes when she flipped me the bird. "You sure are a piece of work, Luce," I added before walking off to check outside.

I couldn't believe how calm this place was. Not in the sense that there weren't enough people; there were tons, but they didn't stir the pot like they usually did.

When it was time to close up I was more than ready to leave, and I hurried through the back to get changed. On my way to the rabbit I called Leah, waking her up from her precious sleep.

"What the hell Jacob," she slurred, picking up after numerous signals had gone through.

"I need a favor," I said, ignoring her irritation.

"I'm not sure I wanna do you any favors, especially not this time of the day, do you have any idea of what the time is?" She was hissing at me.

"Uh-" I double-checked the time, "It's about ten past three in the morning."

"Oh you think you're so funny, don't you," she snorted.

"Leah, I need Embry's number." I waited for the silence that hit me to pass.

"What for?" Her voice was low and suspicious.

"Just—can you get it for me?"

"Do I look like a magician?"

Leah had this way of always getting to me, making me snap at her. "Don't be such a bitch, Leah. Can you just help me with this?"

She sighed, and I imagined her rolling her eyes. "Fine, I'll send you the number when I have it; can I go back to sleep now, or do you want me to tuck you in too?"

"Thanks, sweet dreams," I said cheerfully, but all I got for a response was a dead line.

Now all I had to do was to call Bella, and ask her for the address, which she'd forgotten to give me before she'd left. I had expected that she would stay at the club, but she had disappeared before I'd even had a chance to ask.

Bella picked up just as the signal went through, "Jake?" she asked, her voice soft and hopeful. The sound of my name on her lips was the best thing I could have gotten in that moment, and I couldn't stop the big grin that spread on my face.

"Hey Bells, I thought you would've been asleep by now."

"I couldn't sleep," she mumbled, "I was missing you too much."

"If you give me your address you won't have to miss me for much longer, honey," I suggested, and I heard a groan.

"Shoot, I forgot!"

Bella didn't hesitate to give me directions, and before I knew it I was already driving out of the parking lot toward the street she lived on.

"I'll see you soon, I'm hanging up now."

"Okay, see you," she replied in a whisper before she hung up.

Since I had spent the past two years driving back and forth to Port Angeles and around this town it didn't take me too long to find her place. I pulled my car into the parking area behind the apartment complex, taking notice of how this place suited Bella so much better than the fancy courtyard in front of her old one. A surge of warmth radiated through me when I saw her name in the list next to the intercom, and I pushed the button next to 'I. Swan', earning a clicking sound only a few seconds later as she buzzed me in. Had she been sitting by the door waiting for me? The thought made me smile, and I took the stairs three steps at a time up to the third floor. Her door was slightly ajar, a dim light filtering through the crack.

I could feel my heart beat its way into my throat as I pushed the door open, hoping to find her standing there, feeling like a kid on Christmas day. Any vision I could have predicted was blown away when I took in her figure, covered by a midnight blue, silky slip. Her eyes shone with the same excitement that I felt, and I couldn't speak, so I just stepped inside and pushed the door closed behind me.

For a moment I could only stand there watching her, letting my eyes wander up and down the body of the girl who I'd spent so many years pining after, killing myself over.

Correction—she was a woman now, how long time would it take for me to get used to that? My wandering gaze stopped at her face, finding her eyes again, and I felt the pull, being drawn to her like a moth to a flame.

"Hi," she managed to say, but she sounded almost shy.

"Hey, Bella, you look-" I couldn't finish because she had thrown herself at me, capturing the rest of my words with her soft lips pressing against mine. Her arms wrapped tightly around my neck, keeping herself close, and I felt every inch of her soft body molding against me.

We stood there for a long time while our lips moved tenderly in synch, and I ran my hands up and down her back, squeezing her as close as I could. I took in her scent, her soft, honey-like taste and for each minute that ticked by I sank deeper, knowing that there would be no resurfacing from this now. She had me, hook, line and sinker, just like she had all along. I'd been the biggest idiot to think that I would have gotten over her, no matter how many years I'd spent in the denial of trying to make myself hate her for leaving. All that didn't matter now, when she was in my arms; warm, soft and loving _me_. Hell—I didn't need to hear it, I felt it.

"Come," she said, slipping away from me but holding on to my hand, pulling at it, and I followed willingly while kicking my shoes off along the way.

Right now I didn't care about taking in the scenery, even if I had been curious before, all I wanted was to do whatever she asked of me. When we passed through an open door I realized she had led me straight into her bedroom, but before I could make a smart-ass comment about it she shocked me by pulling the slip over her head, rooting me to the ground as she now stood in front of me completely naked.

"Bells..." I forgot what I was gonna say when she came over to me and started to tug at my shirt, pulling it upward. All I could do was to stand there while her hands worked to undress me, I was hypnotized by her, but I couldn't help grinning slightly when her eyes widened, having unbuttoned my jeans. She ghosted her fingers lightly over me, causing a shudder to run through my body, then she curled her fingers around the elastic of my boxers and pulled them down.

"When I said that you're sort of beautiful I wasn't doing you justice, your beauty can't be described Jacob," Her words were saturated with so much love and awe that keeping my hands away from her any longer was agony. It had always puzzled me that she thought I was even 'sort of beautiful', but I didn't care what words she used, it didn't really matter at all what came out of her mouth, her eyes and the sound of her voice told me everything I would ever need to know to be convinced that this was it. She wasn't gonna run from me this time, I knew it, and the confidence her silent promises gave me was enough.

She was in my arms, cradled to my chest in an instant, and I kneeled onto the edge of the bed, sweeping the bunched up covers to the side before lowering us onto the mattress.

"Let me show you what you mean to me, honey," I whispered, touching my lips to the soft skin below her ear. "I've waited years to make love to you, and the locker room was only a preview."

A soft moan slipped through her lips when I moved down her body, showering her sweet skin with kisses, licking and gentle nibbling. Even if it was late and I hadn't slept real good lately, I couldn't feel any of that now. In my mind this had been a long time coming, and I'd had enough of whatever experience I could have had in-between, because nothing else was important when Bella was in my arms, our skin touching, rubbing together as I worked her body until she was trembling and whimpering, sighing my name over and over, begging to have me inside her. The scent of her need for me wasn't making my plan on taking things slow easy, neither was the husky tone of her voice when she kept pleading with me, telling me how good I felt against her, how she loved my hands on her skin.

Her small hands knotted in my hair, pulling at me, clutching me closer. She was so damn soft and it wasn't long before I had to give in to my own need to be inside her, and I moved up her body, her legs parting for me, her hips lifting to welcome me.

"Look at me, Bells," I demanded as I skimmed my fingers up her thigh, cupping the crook of her knee to raise it as I entered her. Her eyes were alive with desire, and I slid my hand back down her thigh to grab her ass, clutching her closer so I could bury myself deeper. God she felt amazing, and I moaned when she squeezed herself around me, her fingers raking across my back when I started moving within her. Her eyes rolled back, and my name left her lips again, like a starved plea.

"Jake," she rasped out, "I love how you feel, God-" Her words choked off when I rocked against her, and caught her lips, tracing them with my tongue. Every movement she made, for each time she rolled her hips to meet me I ached, the pit of my stomach tightening. It was like being immersed in a charged haze, where everything about her and how she reacted to me caused the tension to become more and more painful to bear. But it was a good pain, something I wanted to last, to savor, to keep 'til I physically couldn't withstand it any longer.

It was becoming obvious though that I wouldn't last very long, she just felt that damn good, and I wasn't well practiced in doing this with my emotions running a hundred miles per hour. I was quickly catching on that I hadn't exactly been having such a great sex-life myself. My love for this woman finally being set free to rage through me had turned me into a rookie.

"Bells, you feel too damn good, I can't-" I bit my tongue when a wave of heat rolled through me, setting my whole body into a tremble and I dug into her hips, forcing her to stop moving. "Not yet, honey," I forced out with my jaw clenched, the concentration making it difficult to form coherent sentences.

"I want to feel it, Jake. I want you to..." She begged me, her husky voice tempting me, as if it wasn't a challenge already to hold back, to wait for her.

"Jeez, honey, you can't say stuff like that," I whispered against her neck, burying my face there, forcing myself to take a few deep breaths to wind down. Her request alone was almost potent enough to send me over the edge, and I didn't release her hips until I felt her relax. Then she ran hands down my back, around the front until they rested on my hips, and she began to push at me, asking me to roll over on my back, so I pulled her with me, doing as she asked.

"Damn, you're so beautiful, honey," I whispered when she raised herself over me, straddling my hips. When she began to move, rolling her hips and her hands trailing up across my chest her hair slowly fell over her shoulders, draping across me, touching my chest. I hadn't realized that it was so long, or that the feel of it on my skin would be so damn arousing. Her face hovered above mine as she kept grinding her hips into me, and it took all I had not to grab her; I wanted her to set her own rhythm, to do it just the way she wanted.

It didn't take long though for my hands to find their way to her hips, her ass, and before long I started matching her, moving with her, which made moans and pants slip through her parted lips. Giving in to her and letting her set the pace seemed to put her on a high, and soon she was grinding her hips into me roughly, trembles beginning to rock her body.

The way she was using me to please herself, and to watch her flushed face and the lust in her hooded eyes was beyond a doubt the best aphrodisiac ever, and it brought back the challenge of keeping my own release back. Just when I thought I couldn't hold it any longer she pushed herself back on me, tightening around me.

"God, Jake, I'm going to-"

I grabbed her face, forcing her to look at me, "I want to see you, Bells, don't look away," I told her, my voice rough, and she locked her glazed eyes on me, her lips trembling. With one hand sliding down to cup her neck to keep her face close I let the other go back to her hip and I felt her stiffen, her movements suddenly erratic. Every nerve in my body seemed to tense up when she clamped down around me, a tremor going through her, seeping into me, and her eyes rolled back in her head as she cried out. The way she kept moving as she rode out the tremors of her release brought on my own, and I clutched her to me, burying myself as deeply within her as I could, crushing my lips against hers.

For the second time today I felt the weakness surge through my body, as if she had just taken everything from me, yet it was such an awesome feeling and it made my heart soar. My brain was one big pile of goo, but I wrapped my arms around her limp form where she had collapsed on my chest.

"I love you. Damn, I can't say it enough—I love you so much," I mumbled against the top of her head, with a lazy grin on my face.

Her arms clutched at my chest, and she squeezed me feebly, making me chuckle.

"I could get used to this," she whispered and slipped off me to curl up in the crook of my arm.

So could I, I thought and squeezed her gently, kissing her hair. The way she smelled right now was heaven and a sense of peace swept over me, making my eyelids heavy. This was definitely going to be the best night of my life to date, the start of one of many I hoped as I drifted off to sleep.

When you've gotten used to rejection and the feeling of constantly chasing after something that's always felt _just_ out of reach, then getting used to a good thing is hard. Even the smallest thing can freak you out, and even after last night and the sense of calm I'd felt I had too many messed up memories of waking up to the realization that I wasn't the one. Waking up, reaching for her only to find the spot next to me empty had me sinking fleetingly into a black hole, I couldn't stop it. But as soon as the familiar fear gripped me it dissipated when the smells and sounds reached me.

Was that the smell of eggs and bacon? And—singing? Jeez, I loved her with everything that I was, and she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen, but damn she couldn't sing. With a grin on my face I dragged myself out of bed and hunted down my boxers and jeans before walking out of the bedroom.

Bella had her back to me, her hips swayed in rhythm to the low music coming from a radio—at least she could feel the beat of the song—and she kept singing. I decided that there was only one thing I could do to make it stop, as much as I loved her I couldn't tell her how horrible it sounded, so I walked up behind her and placed my hands on her hips, running my hands across her stomach while pressing my lips into her neck.

She nearly screamed, and I say nearly, because it came out like the sound of a dying chicken.

"Jake!" She hissed at me, spinning around in my arms, wielding the spatula like she was about to hit me.

"Good morning to you too, honey," I said, chuckling when I grabbed her wrist gently to relieve her of her weapon.

She huffed, "You scared the living daylight out of me."

Instead of conversation I decided to kiss her, simply because she looked so damn beautiful and I was so many kinds of happy to be with her that words wouldn't do it anyway. She reciprocated passionately by letting her hands stray down south, which made me laugh.

"Is this a good sign that I'm doin' it right?" I asked, trying to pry her arms away from my pants. She looked up at me through her lashes, pouting.

"I don't know, I'm still deciding. Maybe you need to give me a reminder," she suggested, her eyes simmering with lust and mischief.

"Damn, I've created a monster," I said, not able to keep the humor out of my voice. She struggled against me momentarily before giving up, and I pressed my lips against her forehead softly. "Any chance that I could borrow the shower?" I let her go, and she pointed me in the direction of a door where I guessed the bathroom was.

"Towels are under the sink, help yourself," she replied, turning back to the frying-pan.

There was something very special about taking a shower in her apartment, it was intimate, giving me the feeling I belonged with her, and I loved it. While I washed myself I let my mind run away with me, thinking about what it would be like getting to spend every morning with Bella, having breakfast with her, coming home to her after work, falling asleep with her in my arms. I had no doubts about wanting to living with her, and it made me think of my previous plans on building a house in La Push. The man with the big lot of land had contacted me only a week ago, asking if I was still interested in it, and of course I was. Now, more than ever, I wanted it. All the things I'd mechanically planned to offer Leah had instead become a future I wanted with a burning passion, a future I wanted to offer Bella, with my whole heart, body and soul.

Take it slow, Jake, she just got divorced. That was true, but had she really experienced the true joy of being married? I was sure it hadn't been all it's cracked up to be, being married to a vampire, and I was positive I could offer her a lot more; I knew it. But, it was too early for proposals, way too early. There were so many things I wanted to show her first, about me and how much she meant to me. I wanted her to see that there was more to me than what she had seen so far, that I wasn't a messed up ass who only knew how to get pissed off at everything.

One of my ideas in particular seemed like it should be the next step in my game-plan to make up for my crappy attitude, to let her see that I'd had a good reason for needing some time alone. Bella deserved a hell of a lot more than I'd thrown her way since she came back into my life, and since it was still summer break there was no time like the present. In fact, tomorrow would be a perfect day to carry out the first of many little plans I had thought of in the past month. Hopefully she wouldn't be too opposed to going on a little excursion.

I stepped out of the shower and dried myself off, then I groaned. Dammit, I'd left my bag in my car—well, Bella wouldn't be opposed to me having breakfast with her, clad in only a towel. Something told me she'd try more than once to get it off me, judging from the magnets that seemed to inhabit her fingers. Not that I complained, nah, really it suited me pretty damn good.

It was time for breakfast, and for me to ask my girl out on our first date—correction; my woman. My Bells.


	15. Fate

_You chance the sound of my name,  
A moment of truth that I saw in your face  
It hurts inside,  
I'm one with this fire, that you brought to life  
All the roads lead back to you_

_Give me something to return to, in your heart  
I fear nothing, but to leave here without you for life  
We were left in this world for each other  
But, I can't run from the fate I've been fighting for so long_

_By  
Bleak feat. Ana Johnsson_

**~* Fate *~**

_**Bella...**_

When I heard the water run in the shower I really had to fight the urge to put the frying pan to the side and walk into the bathroom to take a peek. Jacob's body was a whole new experience for me, and not only how it felt, but also how it looked. I was fascinated by how I loved his skin beneath my hands, the feel of it, the look of it. Also I couldn't shake the vivid memories of how good he tasted, the texture of it when I ran my tongue across the taught yet soft surface. And the smell–holy cow his skin smelled heavenly; an earthy pine scent mixed with musk.

I inhaled deeply, my nose wrinkling as the horrid fumes of burnt bacon invaded my nostrils. My eyelids fluttered open and the sight of the charred bacon mocked me from the bottom of the pan.

"Crap," I hissed under my breath as I started chasing the treacherous pieces around with the spatula. It was all his fault! My eyes flitted worriedly across the living room that adjoined the kitchen toward the bathroom, wondering if he could smell the evidence of my blunder.

Great, now I had to think up something else to offer him as a substitute for the ruined bacon, and I plodded over to the fridge, yanking the door open. I hadn't been to the grocery store for a few days and I was running low on supplies, at least I'd had the eggs, milk, and spices. Then I noticed the steaks I'd bought, thinking I would bring it down to Charlie this weekend, cooking him a meal and tell him about the good news. That was before I'd talked with Angela and she had talked me into going to that club with her. I sure was happy about that now, I thought, and glanced toward the bathroom door yet again. Steak mightn't be so-called breakfast meat, but it would have to do, and when I looked at the time I realized that it was closer to lunch than it was breakfast anyway.

Just as I put Jake's plate on the table the door to the bathroom opened, and I turned my head, a smile playing on my lips. God—he only had a towel wrapped around his hips, and his hair hung down in his face, a drop of water having made its way across his defined cheekbone, now trailing down along his jawline. My mouth went dry, and I licked my lips, my hands fluttering to the kitchen-towel I had slung over my shoulder, desperately needing something to occupy my hands with so that they wouldn't be tempted to find another distraction.

A smirk spread across his face, my desires no doubt being written clearly across my forehead in bold letters, or in my eyes as I felt unable to draw them away from his damp body.

"I kinda left my bag in the rabbit, so I'm sorry about that," he said casually, walking over to the table to sit down. I momentarily contemplated whether I could "accidentally" drop the towel in my hands, giving me an excuse to take a peek under the table when I reached down to pick it back up. My cheeks flushed at the boldness of my thoughts and I chastised myself inwardly. The more I got to explore of Jake, the worse my urges seemed to get and I briefly questioned my sanity, hoping that I wouldn't come across like some wanton floozy.

"I can go down and get it for you," I suggested, a bit too eagerly. If I got him some clothes to cover up that delicious copper skin then perhaps it would put a lid on my lustful thoughts, also some fresh air would be of great assistance.

"The keys are in my jeans," he replied, eying the steak on his plate. "What happened to the bacon?" His nostrils flared when he sniffed the air, then he laughed.

Ugh, damn him and his wolf-senses.

"I got distracted," I muttered, turning to stalk toward the bathroom.

"Sure you did," he quipped, his voice full of mirth.

My irritation disappeared when I saw his jeans and boxers strewn across the floor, a small smile creeping across my lips. He was such a man, messy and careless. This reminded me of his room back in La Push, not the neatest room I'd seen, but it had never bothered me, it was just part of him, so very Jacob. Gathering the tossed garments from the floor I chanced a look over my shoulder, making sure he wasn't watching. Then I buried my nose in his jeans, inhaling deeply. There was something very unhealthy about standing here and whiffing his clothes, but I didn't care, he smelled too good and I couldn't get enough of him. Before my sick actions could be witnessed I dug into his pocket, my fingers curling around a piece of paper. Instantly warning bells went off in my head and I knew I shouldn't look, but my curiosity got the better of me and I brought the crumpled piece of paper out, unfolding it nervously with my trembling hands.

You are a very bad girl, I told myself.

There was a name and a cellphone number written on it in a rounded, girly handwriting;_Emma_. The adorable little woman with big blue eyes from last night? My heart fell into my stomach and I let out the air I'd been holding in while worrying about invading his privacy. Why was he carrying her number around? There could be many reasons, I rationalized, forcing myself to remember everything me and Jake had gone through, and then I shoved the note back into the pocket, digging into the other one for his keys. I would ask him about it, but I would make sure to be casual when I did, not making a big deal out of it.

When I got back with his bag I dropped it next to the table and sat down with my own plate. Jake was watching me inquisitively, scraping the last pieces of omelet up with his fork.

"What are you up to tomorrow?" He asked, plopping the fork into his mouth, chewing while he waited for my reply.

"I was thinking I would go visit Charlie, he still doesn't know that I've moved here." I raised an eyebrow when Jake nodded with an awkward smile on his lips. He looked almost disappointed. "But I haven't decided anything," I added quickly.

"You should go, I can guarantee it would make his day. You know he's living with Sue now?"

I nodded, "Yeah, he called me and told me, in case I had plans on coming to see him during the summer." I looked at him for a moment, wondering if he'd had anything specific in mind. "What about you?" I asked.

He grinned wryly. "I was gonna take you out," he replied simply, adding, "But it can wait, you really shouldn't leave your dad hanging, I know he misses you."

Wait—what? Jake was going to take me out?

"Take me out," I echoed, "Where?" The idea of going somewhere with him was very appealing, and if I said I was curious that would have been an understatement. It wasn't really like Jacob to "take me out", but then it had been a few years, and I had never really given him the impression that he could.

He sat back, crossing his arms. "That's for me to know, and you to find out," he said, winking at me. My heart fluttered in response to the mischievous glint in his warm eyes.

There was only one thing I could say, "Charlie can wait another day, besides, we just ate the steaks I was planning on bringing him."

"Because our bacon ended up in the trash?" He asked, jerking his chin in the direction of the rubbish. I blushed, rolling my eyes at him.

"Yes," I muttered, and Jake let out a throaty laugh.

"Guess I should be grateful for that, then." He flashed me a heartbreaking smile, and stood up, grabbing his bag. Then he came around the table and placed a warm finger under my chin, making me look up at him. "Thank you for the breakfast, honey." Then he leaned in and brushed his hot lips across mine. A sigh escaped me and my hand reached for his, tracing my fingers up along his arm. He pulled me off the chair, his other hand dropping the bag, pressing gently into the small of my back as he brought me into his blazing chest. Instantly my eyelids fluttered closed and I arched into him. This was the best morning so far that I could remember, and I doubt I would ever forget it. Not in a million years could I have imagined that I would be here, in my very own apartment with Jacob wrapping me up in his solid embrace, kissing me so lovingly. It seemed too good to be true. Had it really been this easy to convince him that I wanted him with all that I was, that I loved him with my whole heart, and that I wanted to do this every morning until the day I died? Not long ago he had been a cold shell, his eyes glaring down at me in an accusing manner. Only a month ago it had felt as if I had lost him for good, yet now as he deepened the kiss, all I could feel was warmth and security, love and—God I wanted him.

He pulled away, a low chuckle slipping through his lips. "Is there any point in me putting clothes on?" His eyes were soft, but smoldered as they dropped to my parted lips. Knowing that I definitely did not want him to get dressed I let my hands drop to the towel that had slipped lower over his hips, and I gave it a small tug, making it fall to the floor. Slowly I let my fingers ghost down his muscular thighs, earning a low growl from him. Heat washed over me and I ached to touch him, the need taking me over.

"I take that as a no," he said in a low, humorous voice, his burning hands moving along the sides of my neck, tilting my head to lean in and kiss my jaw, grazing his teeth down along my neck as his hands moved down over my shoulders.

My words came out raspy and urgent, "I want to taste you." He paused, then when I trailed my fingers across his hipbone, coming into contact with him he let out a groan. I wrapped my fingers around him, the texture like burning velvet. He shuddered and tightened his grip on my shoulders.

"God Bells," he choked out.

His reactions to me made me feel powerful, bold and gave me a sense of confidence I'd never felt before. So it was without hesitation that I slid down the front of him, my tongue darting out to taste the skin on his chest and stomach. I grazed my teeth over his hip, nipping at it gently, eliciting another groan from him and his hands came into my hair, stroking me as I kept licking and kissing my way across his hip to his lower abdomen. With my hands I caressed him gently, loving the feel of him in my hands.

"I love touching you, Jake. You feel so-" I couldn't think of words to do him justice, even with my excellent college grades and assignments; my way with words. When it came to Jacob I really was an illiterate child, or so it felt. How could you ever describe perfection? My perfection. He just felt so right, like I was meant to touch him, and only him. Whatever I had experienced up until now felt like something that couldn't even be compared, like something from another world, as if I hadn't really been living at all. Funny that, I thought—oh good Lord. I felt the heat when my chin came into contact with him as I nuzzled my nose into the trail of hair running down from his navel. The musky scent of him washed over me and I felt an ache in the pit of my stomach, as well as the need to run my tongue over him, tasting him. Not wanting to wonder anymore what he tasted like I swiftly slid a little bit further down, my nose skimming the length of him. He shuddered and when my tongue darted out to drag along the silky skin of him he moaned.

"Holy fu-" he stopped himself, but his hands tightened in my hair.

Even though I didn't like his casual use of profanities, somehow the strong reaction egged me on, and I pressed my tongue against him, rounding his tip only to bring the tip of him into my mouth. When my lips closed around him he faltered, seeming to struggle with his balance, and for a moment I was scared I had hurt him.

"Christ honey, you're killing me," he rasped out huskily.

Whatever I was doing, he was enjoying it, and it made me eager to continue, so I brought him further into my mouth, moving my tongue against him. His taste was addictive, and as I began to move up and down him he moaned again, every once in a while trembles rocking through him. I was getting so wrapped up in what I was doing, and his ragged breaths and groans made me feel so great that I dared taking him a little bit further into my mouth. He responded by grabbing fistfuls of my hair roughly, a growl rumbling low in his chest.

Then he stiffened, and I gasped when he pulled me up, crushing me to his chest. I gazed at him, bewildered, and saw his glazed expression. That's when I felt the heat through the thin material of my camisole, and he swore under his breath.

"Shit honey, I'm sorry about that," he said in a strained voice holding an undertone of embarrassment. Oh my goodness, Jake was blushing! I bit my lip, grinning sheepishly.

"That good, huh?" I teased lightly, not wanting to make him feel bad.

He groaned. "Too good," he muttered, then a smile tugged the corner of his lip. "I'll make it up to you," he said, scooping me up. He felt slightly shaky on his legs but he carried me into the bedroom and lowered me on the bed, his hands already working off my silky shorts.

Jake was capable of such passion that awakened an amazing desire that I'd not thought was possible. No matter how he touched me, or what he did to me I was left in a quivering heap of bliss, never wanting to let go of him. What got me the most was the warmth of him, the texture of his skin or the calloused palms of his hands. The richness and the depth to the sensations I received from only his touch was mind-blowing, but it didn't stop there. He had no inhibitions, whatever I wanted he knew and he gave in to me, constantly bringing me to a high I thought I couldn't reach. This wasn't just the sex, this was the vastness of his love and just how he was. All those years ago I had known that he was passionate, he always gave so much of himself to show me how he felt, to get me to see him in the way he saw me. Now it wasn't so hard to understand that making love with Jacob would be just as fiery, passionate and carefree as our friendship had been. Of course, back then I hadn't been able to look at it that way, and as I lay here in Jake's arms I felt a small part of me giving in to one regret that I wish I could have changed. If only I had realized all this earlier, then Jacob would have been the one to be my first. It was silly of me to think like that, and it was childish, but at least the mental confirmation that I wished it would have been him was enough. In a way I supposed that he was, because whatever I'd had with Edward had been so different, and thinking about it now was not something I felt too good about, so I turned in Jake's arms, facing him.

His deep brown eyes gazed at me, full of love. "You're everything to me, honey," he whispered, brushing his lips over mine tenderly. His lips moved as if he was going to say something else, but he stopped himself, closing his eyes.

"What is it?" I asked, moving my hand up to trail my fingers across his cheek, over his ear and through his silky hair. He shook his head, chuckling, then he opened his eyes, filled with an intensity that made my breath catch in my throat.

"You'll see tomorrow, when I take you on our first date," he whispered, kissing the tip of my nose. "Now, I have to make a call." He pressed his lips against mine, lingering there briefly before rolling out of bed. I watched him as he walked out of the bedroom and I decided I would have a quick shower, then clean up in the kitchen.

When I was done in the shower, I cleared the table and loaded the dishes into the dishwasher. Jake was sitting on the sofa, a smirk on his face.

"What's going on?" I asked and went to sit down next to him, folding my legs beneath me.

"We're going down to La Push to see the guys, I just talked to Embry and they're having a bonfire tonight," he said, pausing for a moment. His eyes studied me, then he began slowly, his eyes on mine, gauging my reaction. "I'm inviting Emma, I called her too and we will go past her place so she can follow behind us in her car."

I stiffened. Why had he invited Emma? I felt that familiar discomfort in my stomach, and I searched his eyes for reassurance, for an answer.

"I found a piece of paper in your jeans when I was looking for your keys," I said quietly, then waited for him to explain. He placed his blazing palms on the sides of my face and fixed his eyes on mine.

"Whatever you're thinking, Bells, you must know by now that you're the only one for me." His words were firm but they held a world of promises and all the love I knew he had for me. I just nodded, and he continued. "I am going to introduce Emma to Embry, because she actually asked me if I had any 'available' friends, and if anyone can charm the pants of that woman to get her off my back, then it's Embry." He was grinning now and I felt relief wash over me.

Silly woman, Bella, I told myself. Of course Jacob would never go behind my back, why would he? After all that we'd been through; after all that _he_ had done to be with _me_. I felt really stupid now, but I offered him a sheepish smile.

"I guess I was a bit stupid, thinking that there would be some other reason-" I was cut off when he caught my lips, his tongue claiming me, and when he pulled away my head was swimming.

"I love you." His eyes willed me to believe it to be the only truth there ever had been. "Only you; always."

"I love you, too," I replied, breathlessly. His face broke into a triumphant smile then he released me, getting off the sofa.

"Let's go get some stuff for tonight," he said with an easy smile, holding his hand out to me.

"Are we gonna go grocery shopping together, Jake?" I teased.

He shrugged, still smiling. "Why not? Let's get some of that normalcy goin' for ya." He winked and without further hesitation I got up, grabbing his hand.

"All right, but I'm paying," I told him, not leaving room for argument.

"'Kay, as long as we go in _my_ car, " he challenged, "I'm still not liking that car of yours, nor do I trust your driving skills."

"Hey! I've driven for far longer than you have, _kid_." I smirked.

"Back to the whole age-thing, are we?" He had me pulled close against his chest, his hand cradling my face.

My words faltered when his hot breath blew across my face, "Um..."

"Yeah," he breathed, "Thought so." Then he pressed his lips firmly against mine.

The afternoon passed in a near blissful state, and from now on I concluded that grocery shopping might not be so boring if done in the right company. We had stopped by a Cafe afterward to have some coffee before going back to my apartment so I could pick up some things and to change my clothes. I'd be spending the night at the Black's tonight, and it sent a thrill of excitement through me. It had been years since I'd seen Jake's room, or spent any time down in La Push. Even as we pulled up outside the villa on the outskirts of Port Angeles, to get Emma, my mood remained good and light.

Emma appeared in the doorway, her face set in a scowl. Then a man appeared behind her, and even though he was so much larger and taller than her—which wasn't a feat, she was a small woman after all—it was obvious it was a relative of hers; her brother?

Me and Jake stepped out of the car when they started down the paved path toward us.

"Hey, Emma." Jake greeted her politely, glancing at the man seeming to move behind her like a body-guard.

"Hi Jacob," she said, but her voice was slightly strained, "This is my brother, Elijah-"

"Eli, nice to meet you." He shoved his hand toward Jake who glanced at him suspiciously.

"_Eli_," Emma interjected, "Has insisted on being my chaperone, he's a big bully and when he heard I'll be going down the Quileute reservation on a blind date with a guy from there, he freaked." She was snorting her words out, and I couldn't help smirking. I knew all about overprotective chaperones, relatives or no. I offered her a sympathetic smile, which seemed to relax her slightly, if only fleetingly.

"I didn't freak, and I mean no offense, but she's my little sister," Eli offered in his defense, not being rude about it. He seemed nice enough, and not too unpleasant to look at either.

He was casually dressed, his golden blonde hair arranged in a messy do. His intensely cerulean eyes were framed by thick, golden lashes, and there was a faint sprinkle of freckles across his straight nose and high cheekbones. What characterized him the most was the dimple in his chin and his easy stance. He was confident, but not cocky about it. I was impressed though by how Jacob's intimidating figure didn't seem to face him at all.

"Well, guess there's no harm in one extra," Jacob said, still measuring Eli up.

"The more, the merrier," I quipped cheerfully, feeling the need to dissolve the slight tension in the air.

"I guess," Emma chirped, giving her brother a pointed look as she turned on her heal and walked toward her car. "And please, don't drive too fast, I won't be able to keep up."

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Eli roll his eyes, which made me chuckle.

"We'll see you there," Jacob called out before sliding his big frame back into the small rabbit. Why he insisted on going in that thing was beyond me. If he'd been working all this time, couldn't he at least have bought himself a bigger car, more suitable for his obvious—bulkiness.

The drive to La Push didn't take as long as I remembered. The landscape here was so breathtakingly beautiful, its vastness unfathomable, yet it somehow didn't seem as large as it had when I'd been on this road years ago. It was familiar now, like coming home after having been away for a long, long time; too long.

We pulled into the large parking area next to the Oceanside Resort. I saw the glow down on the beach, coming from the already started bonfire, and the silhouettes of both familiar and not so familiar people.

"You're the designated driver tonight." Eli grinned at Emma who scowled at him.

"You don't even drink!" She threw her arms up in exasperation.

"I'm making an exception for tonight," he said in a casual tone.

"You're such an ass, Eli." She sighed.

"Don't worry, I won't drink either, so you're not the only one." I walked up to her, having made my mind up to give her a chance and to be nice to her. After all, she appeared to have given up her obsession with Jake, and I knew what it might be like to meet the pack, as an outsider, for the first time. She looked at me in relief, and I gestured my hand toward the beach, and the expectant faces turned in our direction. I spotted Embry pretty much straight away. He had an appreciative look on his face, and offered me a smile when he caught me looking at him.

"Bella!" He called out, coming to meet us.

"Hey, Embry," I said, feeling genuinely glad to see him again. The feeling seemed to be mutual as he surprised me by pulling me into a tight hug. "Holy—breathing—difficult!" I gasped.

"You're so weak, Swan," came the deep, mocking voice of Paul.

"Thanks. Nice to meet you too, Paul." I huffed.

"So, it's good to see you finally gained a fragment of sanity." Embry was smiling at me, but I noticed how his eyes flickered between me and Emma, then his eyes came into focus on a spot behind me.

"Hey, Embry. Paul," Jake's husky voice came from behind me, his arms wrapping around me, pulling me against his chest possessively.

"Jake, you made it, bro!" I saw Seth jogging for us, Quil trailing behind him, his smile just as warm and welcoming when his eyes settled on me.

They were being so forgiving of all the crap I had caused, but before I could go all post-mental with the self-loathing I pushed the guilt aside and decided to just enjoy my sheer luck of being welcomed back. No grudges, the past was over and done with, and this was a new start.

"So, are you going to introduce us, or what?" Embry drew my attention back to him, he was smiling at Emma now, who seemed to be gawking at the collection of large men in front of her.

"Gosh," she breathed, "You're all so huge."

Paul snickered and Seth, Quil and Embry busted out laughing.

A hand shot out in front of Emma, toward Embry.

"I'm guessing you're the one Emma's come to see. I'm her brother, Eli."

I glanced up at Eli who had appeared between me and Emma, and I tried craning my neck to get a glimpse of her expression. She groaned.

Embry didn't hesitate, taking Eli's hand to shake it. "Embry Call, welcome to La Push."

My eyes shot to Eli's face, gauging his reaction. Whatever he was thinking he was very good at hiding it, because he offered Embry a polite smile, but I knew he must be questioning the heat in that handshake.

"See, he's a good boy, no big, bad wolves here, can you stop embarrassing me now?" Emma scoffed and stepped forward, snaking her arm through Embry's who had stiffened. I heard Jake chuckle behind me and the other guys smirked.

"Nothing wrong with a big brother to look out for your health," came Paul's amused voice, then he elbowed Embry in the ribs, bringing him out of his reverie.

Emma grimaced, then tugged at Embry's arm. "Why don't you show me around, Embry?" She looked up at him, her eyes pleading for him to give her an escape route.

"Uh—sure." He offered her a grin, then looked back at Eli, as if asking his permission. Nice save, I thought. When Eli didn't seem to reject the notion, Embry turned and walked with Emma down toward the beach.

"We'll catch up later, Emb," Jacob called out, adding, "Behave yourself now."

"Always," came Embry's reply.

Jacob stepped around me, one hand skimming down my arm to grab my hand, and we started walking down to join the rest of the guys at the bonfire, our fingers interlacing. Eli trailed behind us.

It was a nice reunion, watching Jake talk with his old friends. Maybe it hadn't been such a bad idea after all that Emma and Eli had come here tonight. It kept the more serious topics at bay, allowing only for friendly banter and lightly catching up. After about two hours we were all visibly more relaxed, having enjoyed the variety of foods that had been brought, grilled and devoured—that last bit being reserved for the guys, even Eli seemed to be able to match the pack's appetite. As time went on I realized that I hadn't seen Leah, so I leaned into Jacob, asking him about it.

"How come Leah isn't here?"

Jacob squeezed my hand, moving his lips across my bare shoulders, sending a tingle dancing across my skin.

"Look at them," he said in a soft voice, his breath tickling my ear.

I knitted my brows, puzzled as I followed his meaningful glance to where Seth was sitting with a petite girl tucked into his side, then my eyes traveled around the circle to Paul receiving a clip on the ear as he had obviously done something to earn Rachel's disapproval, but I could see the emotion behind it, the tenderness in her eyes, even if I couldn't understand how anyone could look at Paul with such adoration. He was a thorough pain in the bum. I guessed the way he smiled at Rachel when she kept looking at him was something that earned him some points—so he wasn't all that bad. Apart from being a sarcastic ass most of the time, but then again it seemed to come with the territory. Except with Embry, who while he appeared confident still seemed somewhat shy. Or, maybe it had something to do with Emma.

There were also new faces here, some that I recognized from Charlie's wedding, together with a few girls who I guessed were around 17 to 18. Young women, I corrected myself. But perhaps such a title would be earned, depending on how one behaved. In my own experience I wouldn't have called myself a young woman at that age. I had been like a leaf in the wind, not really understanding much of the impact I'd had on the people around me, those dear to me, and others.

One of the guys I recognized from Charlie's wedding, I think his name was Colin, looked like he was pulling out the whole arsenal in trying to charm the pants off one of the girls there. That's when a familiar, snippy voice cut through the murmurs and chattering.

"Dream on, Colin, you're way out of your league."

I looked up to see Leah stepping through the circle, coming straight for me and Jacob. She had her characteristic, sarcastic smile on her face, but I could tell that there was a faint flicker of emotion in her eyes when Jacob's arm around me registered. Her eyes flitted away quickly, coming to a full stop. My own eyes followed to where her gaze had stopped, finding Eli eying her curiously. But then he raised an eyebrow, ever so slightly, his eyes now thoroughly studying his target. I looked back at Leah who, against what seemed even plausible, was actually immobile. There was something so undeniably fascinating about the way her body was tensing and relaxing at the same time. But that was nothing compared to the rest of us, as my gaze was drawn away from Leah to the rest of the pack members, who were equally transfixed, staring at Leah with all manner of emotions splayed upon their faces. Shock, disbelief, confusion, fascination, just like me.

Simultaneously I felt Jacob's arms flex around me, tightening his grip, then a curse slipped through his lips. It was barely above a whisper, but since our heads were so close at that moment in time I heard enough to make me frown.

Leah's gasp brought my attention back to her, and instead of being frozen to the spot her body seemed to start working.

"Hey, are you okay?" Came Eli's question to my right, and when I looked back at his face I could see how he appeared to be unable take his eyes off Leah. There seemed to be a million questions simmering in his bewildered expression. Why was Leah staring at him in this way?

"Just peachy," she said, her voice tight, as if she was fighting tears, and when I studied her closely I could see that whatever trance she'd been in was gone. Almost. There was something about her that had changed, and the more I stared at her the more I understood. Her eyes were alight, and the way they moved over Eli made me blush. Like pieces to a puzzle, a conversation with Jacob from years ago came into the front of my awareness, and everything fell into place. Instead of continuing my gawking I turned slowly to Jacob, whose face was in deep shadows, yet I could see his guarded expression as he met mine, and I just bet the alarm I felt hung out for him to see, stark and real.

"Impossible," he said raggedly under his breath.

Only one threat had existed beneath the surface, the one thing that was left in this world that could tear me away from Jacob, after finally having found my way back to him. That very threat had played out its potent effect right in front of all our eyes tonight. Like a stone sinking slowly and settling in the pit of my stomach, I felt my insecurities return and suddenly I wanted nothing more than to pull Jake away with me, to hide in the farthest corner on the planet to stop anything or anyone from crossing our path. I had been so wrapped up in my emotions that I hadn't realized how I was clinging to him, until I felt his arms try to pull away from me.

"No, don't, please, don't go anywhere." My words were a rushed jumble, but instead of pulling away from me he placed his palms on the sides of my face, forcing me to look at him. His eyes were hidden in the shadows, but I felt the urgency in them.

"Look at me, honey. Shh, it's okay, you're mine. I'm yours. That's all we need to know, this is just—nothing can take you away from me." I stopped struggling at his words, letting the intensity of them wash over me, pushing the doubts away from me. We were in our own bubble now, and nothing else around us mattered, only that we did have each other. If there was a time to freak out, now wasn't it. Even if the more rational part of me wanted to tell me that this could one day happen to Jake, his words won it over, and I felt the constriction of my lungs release so I could breathe again.

I had to trust Jacob, that's all I had to do right now; and I did trust him. Unlike any other time in the past I would just put my faith in Jake, and his very own strong belief that this would never happen to him. He would be mine, always, and I would be his.


	16. From Yesterday

_He's a stranger to some  
And a vision to none  
He can never get enough,  
Get enough of the one_

_For a fortune he'd quit  
But it's hard to admit  
How it ends and begins  
On his face is a map of the world_

_By  
30 Seconds to Mars_

**~* From Yesterday *~**

_**Bella...**_

The sun was rising, a cool breeze swept in from the ocean, tousling my hair. Jacob's arms were around me, his warmth radiating through the thin material of my tee. When he pressed his lips into the nape of my neck I sighed, leaning into him with a smile playing on my lips.

"I could stay like this for the rest of my life," I told him softly, gazing at the beautiful display of color reflecting off the wispy clouds in the dawns light. He responded by squeezing me tightly against his chest, his breath tickling my skin.

His words were muffled, "I love you, Bella Swan; I always have."

"Even when you were wearing diapers?" I asked, raising an eyebrow, and turned to look at him.

He smirked, then his face grew serious. "Maybe, who knows these things? All I know is that, ever since I can remember, you've had this effect on me. Sure, there was a time when I was just a kid and I didn't know what to say to you, but what I felt for you was so different. I had a few crushes on girls, nothing serious, but it never compared to you, Bells."

The intensity of his words were one thing, but it didn't come close to the depth in his eyes. My heartbeat made itself known like a tolling of bells through a clock tower; it reverberated through my whole being. While he held my gaze he continued.

"There was a time when I worried about this whole imprinting thing, and I know it must be nagging at you. But, honey, I promise you right here, and right now; I won't imprint. Nobody could feel all that I feel and imprint, because you have already altered my whole world, in an irrevocable manner, and not even nature could mess with that."

I'd never heard Jake say things like this, nor had I seen him speak with such conviction. It wouldn't have mattered what he had told me in this moment, anything would have made me a believer for all the confidence I saw in his eyes and heard in his voice.

How hard would it have been to comprehend either way? Had I not put him through immense pain, yet after all this time he still loved me, he still had fought for me. Time had been all that I needed to be led back to him. I could believe that nature would not defy him, after all he had done for me. How could any force in this world tear him away from me if he had nearly killed himself trying to be with me? It felt right. _We_ felt right. There wasn't any other place on this earth I would rather be than in his arms.

"I'm not afraid, Jake," I said finally, honestly. "I know you love me, and I trust it implicitly. After all that we have been through, and look at us; here we are, together." I rested my hand on his warm cheek, and he leaned into it, closing his eyes.

He sighed heavily. "I can't wait any longer." The meaning behind his reply was cryptic, and it confused me.

"Wait for what?" I asked, but instead of answering me he got up, and held out his hand to me.

"I know that I was going to take you out on a date today, and I wasn't going to show you this for a while yet, but truth be told Bells, this is the perfect moment for it."

Not knowing what he was talking about, but being caught up in the excitement dancing in his eyes now, I took his hand anyway and let him drag me up to my feet.

"Jake, where are we going?" My question came out between huffs and ragged breathing as I tried to keep up with him.

"Don't worry, you'll find out in an hour or so," he said, chuckling when I sighed in frustration.

We got into his car and he started driving in the opposite direction of his house.

"We haven't slept all night, are you sure you should be driving right now?" I couldn't help but being a little cautious, but when I glanced at Jake's face I couldn't see any traces of fatigue, or otherwise tell-tale signs of him not being alert. On the contrary, his face seemed alive. Just as I started relaxing he floored it and the car shot forward. "Jake!" My hands shot out and I braced myself against the dashboard.

"Relax, honey, I've been driving this thing for years, and I basically built the engine myself. You have nothing to worry about," he quipped.

"I'm sure whatever it is you want to show me will still be there in an hour, after all, you said you hadn't planned on showing me yet," I pointed out curtly, glancing between his face and the road nervously, feeling like the car would run off the road any minute. Without warning he started breaking hard, and the rabbit jerked and complained when he turned it onto a small road, leading into the thick foliage of the forest.

"God!" I gasped, and he laughed at me.

"Sorry, honey." He had a sheepish grin on his face, but at least he kept a reasonable speed now as we were enveloped by the tall trees, driving further and further into the nature.

I don't know what it was, but for some reason I felt like I had been here before. There was something vaguely familiar about the spookiness of this place, or at least so I had thought when I had been a child. Oh!

"I've been on this road before, with Charlie," I said under my breath. How could I have forgotten about this? Charlie had taken me with him to go fishing at the river, when I was younger. This was before I grew up and stayed away for many years until I finally moved to Forks at the age of 17.

"Me and my dad, too," Jake added softly. "We would come here together, I remember, because those times used to be the best. Dad and Charlie would fish, and we would get into trouble, scaring the fish away-"

"By throwing rocks, trying to hit the fishing lines," I filled in, smiling widely now.

"Do you remember anything else?" The tone of his voice was hopeful.

I looked at him, a far away look in his eyes, as if he was remembering something specific. I felt myself blush when I couldn't think of anything, and I shook my head.

"No. Only that I accidentally kicked a box of fishing-gear into the river once, being my usual klutzy self." I grinned at the memory, but was happy that I seemed to have lost most of my clumsiness during the past few years. All thanks to the running.

Before too long we came out of the forest and into a small clearing, where Jake finally parked the car, turning to me with a smile.

"Are you up for a short hike, or do I need to carry you?" He winked at me.

"Ha. I'm sure I can walk," I replied with a huff, but his smile was infectious and I got out of the car. Jake took my hand in his, and started leading me through the clearing, into the forest again. We walked for maybe ten minutes in silence, while I kept looking around, hoping something would jog my memory. Finally the river came into view and I took in a sharp breath.

"It's beautiful!" I was awed.

Jake had stopped, and was looking around as if he was searching for something, then his eyes locked on a rock sticking up in an odd angle, as if it had been hurled down into the ground by a giant, and had pierced the moss and shrubbery.

"There it is," he said, turning to look at me expectantly, an almost childlike expression on his face. Although, his features were far from boyish, except for the grin he wore. My eyebrows pulled down and I frowned at the rock.

"You wanted to show me a rock?" I asked incredulously.

He rolled his eyes. "Aren't we picky," he said and snorted. "This isn't just _any_ rock. This is_our_ rock, where we were ordered to stay; far enough from the river to not disturb the fish." He laughed at my puzzled expression. "Come," he ordered and pulled me along, not giving me the opportunity to refuse him.

"I can't believe you dragged me all the way out here to show me a rock," I scolded when he dropped my hand and went up to the rock, hunching down with his back to me. "I appreciate the sentiment, Jake, but couldn't this have waited?" I was beginning to feel very tired, and the air here was cooler than by the beach, strangely enough. Either he wasn't listening or he decided not to answer, so I walked up to peer over his shoulder to see what he was doing. Then I saw that he was digging into the ground, removing rocks and dirt.

"Do you remember the first time I told you that I was in love with you?" he asked, a grunt escaping him. What did that have to do with anything? But sure, of course I remembered, he had tried to kiss me too, and I had broken my hand on his face. I grimaced, and ignored his question.

"What are you doing?" I asked instead.

"Well, I was gonna take you out here, all those years ago, to show you this," he said under his breath, giving out another grunt before pushing off the ground to turn to me. In his hands he held a—was that Tupperware?

"Is that one of those containers we used to collect worms in for our fishing rods?"

I remembered something else now, that sometimes me and Jake would dig for worms that we would use as bait. Jake had carved the bark off a couple of bigger branches that we had attached fishing line to, with a hook, sinker and float. We never had the patience though, which I guess was why we had ended up on this rock, to keep us away from the water.

"Yeah," he replied, his eyes fixed on mine.

I wrinkled my nose. "Don't tell me there's worms there, or that we're gonna do fishing," I warned firmly, but Jake just chuckled at me.

"Don't worry, you cleaned it thoroughly the last time we were here..." His words trailed off, then he held out the container to me. "Open it," he said brusquely.

I shot him a suspicious look, but accepted the box. "Do you promise that there's nothing gross or-" I blanched, "-dead in here?"

"I promise." He smirked.

While keeping my eyes on Jake I started prying the lid off, wondering what he was up to. What did this container have to do with him telling me all those years ago that he was in love with me? What more, why were we hiking through the forest early in the morning, digging up old boxes? But I decided to humor him, so I tore my eyes away from him to peek into the plastic container.

"How long has this been down there?" I whispered my question to Jake as I looked at the paper in the bottom of the plastic treasure chest.

"You were 12, I was 10. That was the last time you came to visit, before you moved here that is." His voice sounded strange.

"What is it?" I didn't dare to touch the folded piece of paper there, not that I knew what it was, but somehow I felt that it was not mine to touch.

"It's something we wrote, trying to pass the time on this rock here," he answered me, nodding toward the gray mass covered with moss.

Me and Jake had sat here and written a letter?

"Read it," he urged.

I swallowed. What had we been writing back then? I tried my hardest to remember this incident, but I couldn't for the life of me recall it.

"I don't remember," I said sadly, shaking my head. "What kind of note is it?" I pressed.

"It's two notes; one from me, and one from you."

Usually I would pride myself with having a rather good memory, but for some reason I had no recollections of these notes or what might be written there. I had never been one to write notes, had I? I hesitated for a while.

"How do I know which one is yours? Should I be reading my own?" I sounded as nervous as I felt, but I had no idea why.

Jake sighed, and took the container from my hands, setting it on top of the big rock as he focused his gaze on me, his warm hands framing my face.

"It doesn't matter to me if you read my note, in fact, I want you to read it," he said in earnest. "Since you don't remember, let me tell you what might be in those notes; you challenged me to write something I had never told anyone before, a secret, and in turn you would do the same."

How bizarre. I tried to imagine myself wanting to disclose something that no one knew, on a piece of paper. Not that much I had done when I was younger made much sense to me these days, so I suppose it intrigued me to find out what kind of secrets I had held on to back then.

Jake's warm lips against mine scattered all my thoughts, and my hands found their way into his hair, pulling myself closer to him. A chuckle bubbled in his throat, and he pulled away. I groaned, feeling disappointment sweep through me at the loss of his warmth.

"Jake," I complained.

"Let me make it easier for you, I'll read them to you, if you want me to." His smile was easy, but the excitement in his eyes made my heart skip a beat, he was dying to know what was written in my note. Whatever might be there I doubted it could hold something of great importance, after all, what could a 12-year old have to say that was worth protecting now?

"Okay," I replied. Why not?

He flashed me a triumphant smile that melted my heart, and he dug the notes out of the container, glancing at me again for any signs of me changing my mind before unfolding the piece of paper, another note falling out of it as he did. His eyes scanned the note and he smirked.

"I guess we'll be starting with mine," he declared, his eyes locked on mine. "Right, here goes-" He cleared his throat. "Glad I'm reading this, because my spelling sucks." We both laughed.

"Get on with it already!" I sighed at him, feeling impatient.

A knowing grin spread across his lips. "This is so stupid," he said, making his voice sound dumb and I realized he had started reading his note. "I have two secrets. One is silly, and it's about our tribe being wolves once, yeah right." Jake chuckled, shaking his head, making me smirk at him.

"Yeah, as if," I said, rolling my eyes theatrically. "Shape shifting and vampires—definitely not real."

Jake's eyes continued scanning the note, and his face softened, his eyes meeting mine again as he read the rest out loud.

"Second secret; I wish I was older, so I dare to tell Bella how special she is. I think she would laugh at me, I'm just a little kid to her." He stopped reading, and just looked at me.

"I wouldn't have laughed!" I exclaimed.

"I'm not finished," he told me softly. "But, I remember feeling that you were way out of my league. You always had this way of making me feel—inadequate," he confessed, and I shook my head at him in protest.

I blushed, feeling bad. "Jake, I-"

"Honey, it's okay. You came to your senses in the end." A hint of arrogance was in his voice, but he winked at me. I hadn't heard him speak like this since before I left Forks after the fiasco at mine and Edward's wedding. Old habits die hard, I guessed, and nodded for him to continue.

"Give me the rest," I ordered.

"I'm gonna do all I can to make her see me like I see her. She is my girl." Jake folded the note and took my hand, pressing it into my palm. "So there you have it, after all these years I finally managed to convince you that we belong together, and I did work up the courage to tell you how I felt. Maybe I wasn't very tactful about it, and I admit I have played dirty, but I'm not sorry about it. Anything that ultimately has brought you to me has been worth it."

I was stunned, trying to picture a 10-year old Jake with these emotions. It felt bad that he had thought that I wouldn't take him seriously, although, I did deserve that. I hadn't exactly given him reason to believe any different; had I?

"Read mine," I whispered, not knowing what to say about his note, I was speechless.

"Sure." He smiled brightly and unfolded my note. "Whoa, Bells." He stared at my note, then he laughed. "This is more of an essay than a note, honey." He turned the piece of paper to show me that I had nearly filled the page with scribbles. I blushed.

"I have always liked writing," I said defensively.

"At least you could spell." He snickered.

"Lay it on me, Jake, I'm dying to be embarrassed," I demanded in a sarcastic manner.

When he didn't start right away I took a step toward him, trying to catch a glimpse of the text but he angled it away from me.

"This is..." A strange expression crossed his face, and suddenly I wanted the note for myself, wondering what it said to make him look so stricken.

"You're supposed to read it out loud!" I tried to grab the note from him, but he lifted it out of my reach, his eyes continuing to roam down the page. "Jake! That's not fair; you're killing me here!" What crazy secrets did I have back in those days?

He lowered the note and looked at me, his eyes full of questions. "Maybe you should read it yourself," he said brusquely and I snatched it from his hand, resisting the urge to poke my tongue out at him. But just as my eyes went to the first letters, Jake's lips crushed against mine, and his arms scooped me up in a fierce embrace. The kiss was anything but gentle, but the need in it took my breath away, sending tingles down into the tips of my toes. When he finally pulled away I was gasping for air, and I blinked at him dumbly.

"You can read it now." He smiled softly.

"Um, okay..." My brain was still trying to regain some functionality, while I unfolded the note that had been crumpled in my hand throughout Jake's albeit sudden, but passionate attack. I shot him a suspicious glance before I started reading the note.

_Jacob,_

_If you don't read this right after I've gone back to Phoenix, then I'm sure you will sneak back here sometime and read it. I'm not gonna come back to Forks for a while. I don't have any cool secrets, my life is too boring for that, but there is one thing that I can't tell you face to face, I just don't think you would understand, so I hope you will keep this letter and will understand in a few years. I'm a bit more grown up than kids my age, and it makes me see things and feel things that I shouldn't. There are things I feel for you, but it makes me uncomfortable, because I know you don't feel like that. So, because of this I have decided that after this summer I won't come back until you are older. But, I would like it if you wrote me, then we can keep in touch, and you can tell me what you think about these weird things I have in my head._

_There is one thing I want to tell you, and maybe this will make you feel uncomfortable now, but I think your eyes are so amazing, I have tried hard not to stare, because I don't want to make you feel weird. I have noticed one thing though, and probably you don't know what I am talking about, you're a boy, and boys don't care about these things. You have a fleck of gold close to the iris in your right eye, it kind of bends slightly and looks like a new moon. I feel silly writing these things, but I am scared I would never tell you otherwise and right now I wish that you were older, because I want you to give me my first kiss. Kissing never interested me until I saw you this summer, and I started feeling all these things. You are my best friend, no matter what._

_I hope you write, because I will miss you so much._

_Bella X_

I stared at the piece of paper in my hands, dumbfounded. It was definitely _my_ handwriting, and it did sound like me. I had always felt different than others my age, and I had never really been too interested in romance, holding hands, kissing—but in this letter to Jake, it seemed I had been. How could I have forgotten this? Then I turned to Jake quickly, dropping the note to place my hands on his cheeks. He let me pull his face closer as I studied his eyes, and then my breath caught in my throat. There it was, the tiny crescent of gold; how had I missed it? Even better question was how I had noticed it back then, without being this close to him? Heat seeped into my cheeks and I dropped my hands from Jake's face. He smiled at me.

"You look as surprised as I feel, honey," he started in a soft voice. "I should have dug up that damned piece of Tupperware as you suspected, then maybe you would have been mine all this time."

I shook my head, and sighed. "I was so sure you would..." It was all coming back to me now, and I couldn't believe that I had forgotten about it. I'd had a big crush on him back then, but as I had said in my letter, he had been so young still. _I_ had been young too, I reminded myself and snorted.

Jake raised an eyebrow at me. "What's up?"

"I'm starting to remember," I confessed. "I waited for you to write me, but when nothing came I felt stupid, and somewhere along the line I must have pushed it out of my mind..." Had I been really hurt, so hurt that I had just suppressed it all? It would be a mystery to me, because I just couldn't remember any hurt. It didn't really matter anymore though, Jake had won me over in the end, and he was everything I could ever have wanted.

"You loved me first," he mused and the pride in his voice brought me out of my reverie. "I guess that's something." He grinned that familiar grin, the one that made him look so young, and it wiped away all traces of the hurt I had put him through. Even with all that had happened between us since we had found each other again there was still a hard edge to him, ever present. With time, and me showing and telling him every day how much I loved him, how much he meant to me, I hoped that eventually it would go away.

"What are you thinking?" He asked.

I tried giving him a sure smile, but felt myself failing. There was still guilt beneath it all, and I couldn't shake it.

"I was thinking that I will do everything I can from now on to make you see that you are the only one for me." Even if I felt sadness for the hurt I'd inflicted on him, I felt confident and I smiled again, only this time I didn't have to try.

That strange expression, the one that told me he was holding something from me, passed over his features again, and he took a deep breath.

"This is not the right time," he started in a nervous tone. "I have so many things that I want to show you, tell you, and give you. Maybe you're not ready, and that's okay, but I have to get this off my chest-"

"Jake, you can tell me anything, I mean it. I'm not gonna freak."

His hands dropped from my face and they enveloped my hands, the heat radiating up through my arms.

"Okay," he edged. "But that means another drive, I promise we'll go home to get some sleep after that, you look beat, Bells." His hands slipped up my arms and back down again, then he bent down and picked up my note and folded it into his pocket. "I'll be keeping that, if you don't mind?" He winked and started pulling me back the way we had come.

I fell asleep after only a couple of minutes in the car, but I was soon woken up by Jake's soft whisper in my ear. My eyes fluttered open and I jolted upright, looking around me through a groggy haze. I instantly recognized his room, and I realized that I was sitting up on his bed.

"Oh!" I gasped. "I'm so sorry-"

"Shh, honey. I didn't mean to wake you," he said and looked guilty.

"But, you were going to show me something." I tried focusing on his face, but my eyelids felt heavy and gravely. He gave out a throaty chuckle and shook his head.

"It can wait, you need sleep, and truth be told, so do I. Hope you don't mind squeezing in with me on the bed, because I refuse to sleep without you."

Before I could say anything he had pulled his shirt over his head and was unbuttoning his jeans, kicking them off. My sleepy eyes roamed down his muscular chest, and I felt the familiar tingle stir in my stomach. Even sleep-deprived and groggy as hell I couldn't escape the chemistry between us. A knowing smirk spread across his lips as I licked my lips, my eyes meeting his.

"You are insatiable," he whispered and lowered his lips to mine, kissing me softly.

"You're _irresistible_," I countered and started pulling my clothes off, returning to his lips when my shirt was over my head. After a lot of shuffling and grunting I only had my bra and panties on, and I pressed myself against his heavenly body, eliciting a groan from him.

"Bells, you're torturing me. How am I supposed to let you sleep?" His arm snaked around my waist and he lowered me back onto the bed, positioning himself between my legs, allowing me to feel his own need pressing against me.

I pushed against him greedily. "Maybe I'm not tired anymore," I said suggestively. He closed his eyes and exhaled through his nose, his jaw clenching.

"God, honey." With another groan he rolled off me and pulled me into his warm embrace instead, his nose burying into the nape of my neck. "Just behave yourself, okay? I only have so much control." His voice was rough, but pleading.

"Okay," I whispered, then yawned. So maybe sleep was the better option, no matter how much I wanted him. It's not like he wouldn't be there when I woke up, and I needed to get used to that this was it; we were going to be together from now on. There was all the time in the world to make love to him, and I really was tired. My eyelids fell shut and I started drifting, blissfully aware of his strong arms enveloping me. I sighed happily and wriggled into him, making him hiss as my butt nudged him. "Oops," I said quietly. His only response was a snort.

When I woke I found myself alone, but I could hear muffled voices coming through the closed door. I yawned and stretched, craning my neck to find a clock somewhere.

_13:49_

Holy cow, how embarrassing! Here I was sleeping, in the middle of the day, this would definitely mess up my sleeping-patterns if I didn't get out of bed right this moment. So I slid out of bed, standing up stiffly. Okay, so, one thing was for sure; if I was going to sleep at Jake's place from time to time he would need to get a bigger bed. I stopped in my tracks and took a look around; a bigger bed wouldn't fit in here! My bag was sitting in the middle of the narrow space left over of the floor in Jake's room and I grabbed it, cracking the door open to peek down the hallway. That's when I heard the familiar voice of my dad.

"Honestly, I'm just happy. I never liked Edward, but Bella's happiness was always worth more than my thoughts of her choices, and she seemed happy," he said gruffly.

"I'm gonna take care of her, Charlie." I heard Jacob declare in reassurance.

"I know you will, Jake. Christ knows I always hoped she would give you a chance-" there was a pause. Quickly I tiptoed across the hallway, and into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. Just as I'd closed the door there was a knock, making me jump.

"Bells?" Jake's voice came through the door.

"I'll be out in a minute, just gonna have a shower."

"'Kay."

I heard his retreating footsteps and I stripped off and jumped in the shower.

My movements were rushed as I washed myself. In truth I was dying to get out there and see Charlie, wanting to make sure that he didn't think less of me for not having told him about what was going on in my life lately.

Billy, Charlie and Jacob were sitting at the small dining table in the kitchen, and it was only now that I caught the smell of food. I sniffed the air discretely. They all turned their heads toward me and I grinned.

"Hey, Bella. It's good to see you." Billy gave me an earnest smile.

"Hi, Billy. Looking good." His eyes twinkled, then I turned to my dad.

"Hey, dad."

He got up and surprised me by pulling me in for a quick hug.

"Bells, I'm glad you're here." He released me and looked awkward, but he offered me a sheepish grin. "Jake has been filling me in, told me you live in Port Angeles now. How come you didn't tell me?"

I shot Jake an admonishing look, then turned back to my dad.

"I didn't want to get your hopes up, until everything was certain," I offered him gently.

He nodded. "And, is it now?"

I smiled. "Well, I've got a job at Peninsula College, an apartment and I am officially Bella Swan again." I couldn't help but smile wider when I saw the look on Charlie's face. He was shocked, but pleasantly so.

"Yeah, Jake told me about Edward, too. But congratulations on the job, honey. Guess it really does mean you'll be hanging around here a lot more from now on?"

"Yup." As often as I could, I thought, then I wished that I could just stay with Jake all the time, and not go back to my apartment. Maybe he would stay with me there, since he both studied and worked in Port Angeles? I tucked away a little reminder that I would bring it up, ask him what he thought about it. Would it be too soon to ask him something like that? It wasn't like I was going to ask him to move in with me, was it? God—living with him. I might be freshly divorced, but these circumstances were different, I knew exactly what I wanted, and I wouldn't be changing my mind now. Jacob was my future, there was no doubt about that.

Jake got up and came over to me, giving me a chaste kiss and guiding me to the table, pulling a chair out for me.

"Sit down, honey. I've made you lunch," he said, his hand lingering on my neck briefly while his thumb rubbed in gentle circles before walked over to the oven. He pulled out a pan with lasagna, causing my eyebrows to raise in surprise.

"You cook?" I asked, not meaning to sound so shocked, which made him give me a hurt look. He placed his hand over his heart.

"You hurt my feelings, Bells." He feigned a frown, and I rolled my eyes.

"I—it smells great, Jake," I sputtered, making him laugh.

"Relax."

We settled in to one of the greatest meals I'd had in a long time. Not only because it really did taste damn good, but also for the simple reason that I was not the only one eating. Sitting here with Jake, my dad and Billy and engaging in small-talk warmed my heart. My heart gave a small tug as I thought of the Cullens, and I genuinely felt a little guilty about how I was glad I wouldn't have to endure those long, lonely and silent dinners anymore. As much as I loved them, having spent four years feeling like a showcase, I'd had enough of being the only one eating food. Esme was a great cook, and she had cooked me many delicious meals, but Jake's lasagna was heavenly. Simply because _he_ had made it. I was still in awe that he could cook.

"I'm gonna have to steal Bella away from you for a bit, Charlie," Jacob announced while we stood together at the sink, doing the dishes. "I'm gonna run her over to Mr. Morgan's lot."

An acknowledging grunt came from Charlie, who obviously knew what Jake was talking about, and I didn't. Who was Mr. Morgan? A better question might be, what was "Mr. Morgan's lot"? Reminding me of the book Salem's Lot, it sounded less than appealing. Jake caught my grimace and laughed.

"Don't worry, Bells, Mr Morgan is harmless. We're doing business, and I want your opinion on something, that's all." There was an excited twinkle in his eyes, and it replaced my skepticism with curiosity.

It was only a five minute drive to this Mr Morgan's place, but when we arrived and I stepped out of the car I looked around, completely confused.

"Um, Jake, Mr Morgan's house is missing," I said in mock amusement.

"Actually, it's not, it was torn down a long time ago, he doesn't live here anymore. He'll be here soon with his nephew, who initially was going to inherit this land, but recently he decided he wasn't interested anymore, so, within the hour I'll be its new owner." Jake turned to me, gauging my reaction. I gaped at him.

"You're buying this?" I croaked and gestured with my arms to the large stretch of land, covered in wildflowers, grass, sand and proud cedars reaching toward the sky—it stretched all the way down to the rocky beach. "Even the beach?" I breathed my question to him.

"Well, the beach can't really be bought, it belongs to the reservation, but yeah, almost." He started walking and I followed him, then he stopped just as the grass started thinning out, becoming mixed up with rocks and sand. "To about here," he said and looked at me. "So, what do you think?"

I blinked.

"W-what?" I stammered.

"Do you like it? It's important to me that you do, because I'm planning on building our home here." His voice was strong and even, and his eyes were full of love and promises. My throat closed up and I felt the tears prickle behind my rapidly fluttering lids, trying desperately to will the moisture away.

Was he for real?

Just as I was about to say something I heard a car pull up and I turned as Jake walked past me, toward a blue pickup. My jaw went slack and I stared at the man that jumped out of the driver side to walk around and help a feeble looking man with dark, leathery skin out of the passenger side. They walked slowly toward us and when the younger man's eyes locked with mine the shock I felt registered on his familiar features.

"Bella?" Came his husky voice, laced with awe.

"Jon?"

I heard a low growl coming from Jake, and my head turned quickly to look at him. He was sizing Jon up, but I could tell he was trying hard to keep a collected facade.

"Well, I'll be damned. Out of all places," he exclaimed cheerfully. Then his eyes went to Jake and I could see the wheels in his head turning, as everything clicked into place. "Ah, this must be the childhood sweetheart." He cracked a brilliant smile.

"Hey," Jake said evenly. "Glad you could come out here today on such short notice."

They shook hands, dipping their heads in a polite acknowledgment.

"That's fine, I flew in just yesterday, so you're lucky I was here to bring the old man around." Jon's smile had lessened slightly as he took in Jake's impressive bulk.

This was so bizarre. Was there some greater power at work here that I wasn't aware of, or why, out of all people, was it Jon that showed up here? Was he actually part Quileute? I guess it gave me a good explanation as to why he had affected me so strongly that time in the library's parking lot. Maybe I was meant to meet him, so that I would get the slap in the face that I'd needed and deserved. What if I hadn't met him? Wasn't it due to bumping into him, and his invitation to the party that I had worked up the guts to play my stupid game with Jake? Still, life was throwing me all kinds of signs that pointed to one and the same; Jacob.

"Bells?" Jake's voice roused me and I looked up at him dumbly.

"Sorry, what?"

"I was asking if you've got an answer yet?"

"Huh?" I was being reduced to an illiterate fool again.

"The land; do you like it?" He smirked.

"Oh! Um, yes, yes I do." I nodded fervently, and chanced a glance at Jon who was grinning at me wickedly.

"She has a knack for impressive dialogue." Jon's words mocked me and I sighed.

"You never told me you had family here," I retorted in an accusative tone.

"You never asked where I was from," he replied defensively.

I huffed. "I should have known it was too much of a coincidence."

"What?"

"Never mind," I muttered.

Jake cleared his throat, "I didn't know you knew each other so well." His voice was on edge and I sensed the tension in him.

"Obviously not _that_ well, seeing as I had no idea he was Quileute," I snapped, glowering at Jon's cheerful smile.

"I couldn't tell you, actually. My mom is uncle Joe's sister." He nodded at the old man next to him. "And my father is around, doing fuck-knows-what."

"So, your father is the 'fucked up' part of the family, then?" I asked, fixing him with a challenging stare. I don't know what had come over me, but for some reason I felt very defensive. Of what, I wasn't sure. My question wiped the grin right off his face, and his eyes darkened.

"That's a bit forward, don't you think?" His eyes bore into me.

"You tell me, it was your words, not mine."

"Bells." Jake's stern voice cut me off my track.

"It's all right, man; I can handle myself just fine."

I watched as Jon and Jake glared at each other, and suddenly I felt horrible. What was wrong with me? I sighed and wrung my hands.

"I'm sorry, I haven't had much sleep," I offered lamely. "I'll just—go wait in the car." I excused myself and escaped to the rabbit before Jake could pin me to the spot in his vice-grip. From the car I watched them talking, then Jake followed them over to their car, where Jon pulled out what looked like a bundle of documents which they all signed. Then they shook hands, and before Jake left I saw the old man say something to him, which caused his back to go all rigid. More conversation ensued and I found myself leaning forward, as if that would help me to hear what they were saying. Both Jake and Jon were wearing gloomy masks as the fragile looking man next to them talked. Suddenly both their heads snapped, simultaneously, in my general direction, but they weren't looking at me. Okay, I couldn't take it anymore, I had to know what was going on, so I opened the door and stepped right into something sharp.

"_Oof!_" The air whooshed out of me.

"Sorry, Bella. Didn't see you there," came a familiar voice but I didn't get a chance to open my mouth to return the apology before I heard Jake's flat voice behind me.

"Tell me it isn't true." He demanded.


	17. Epilogue

**~* Epilogue *~**

_**Jacob...**_

"What?" Bella croaked, and I turned my head to look at her puzzled face.

"I wasn't talking to you," I snapped, instantly cursing myself when I saw her flinch.

"Oh." Was all she said, but I wasn't concerned with her right now, I couldn't think straight. So I turned back to my dad who obviously knew exactly what I was talking about. His panicked eyes darted from me to a spot behind me.

"Don't look at him, I'm talking to you. Spill it." I shoved my hands into my pockets, wanting to keep them confined, because right now I didn't know what I could do. All kinds of crap was filling my head, but worst part was that the picture I'd had of my old man all my life was swiftly shifting.

"Son," he said evenly, trying furtively to calm me down. I wasn't gonna calm down, but I would listen, which was probably the only thing I could safely do right now without losing it. He went on. "I'm not going to make excuses, but I am sorry you had to find out this way."

This way? Was there a way that would actually make it okay? I'd heard that line on countless occasions in sappy movies. Were people so damn stupid they really thought that if they worded it right, that it would be all cool?

"You've got to be kidding me," I barked out at him. "What you meant was, 'I'm sorry you had to find out, period, right? Who was it?" I glared at him as he squirmed. "You know what, fuck it. I don't care."

"Jake, son. Maybe you should calm down." Charlie stepped up next to Billy.

"What is this?" I stared at them both. No freaking way. If Charlie had been in on the secret then-

"Jake," Bella pleaded, putting her small hand on my arm. "Let's go home and talk about this, I don't think this is the place."

I lost it. "Are you fucking kidding me? I'm _not_ setting my foot in that place again!" I bellowed. "This was supposed to be mine and Bella's moment, and then that dickwad shows up, and all of a sudden I find out I've had a brother all my life. What do you want me to do? Start dancing and sing 'I'm so happy'? _Shit!_" My whole body had started shaking and I felt the heat shooting up my spine, radiating all the way into my straining fingers, the tips digging into my palms.

Goddammit, the last thing I was gonna do was to phase in front of the bundle of joy behind me. Fucking prick; it didn't help that I had images in my brain still of how he'd looked at _my_Bells. To top it all off, this was the guy that Bella had told me about, the one she'd met back in New Hampshire. I swallowed back on the bile and sucked in a breath through my gritted teeth.

"Don't-" Bella's words cut off.

"Hey,"

The shaking stopped and I froze.

"Jon, this isn't a good time," Bella explained while I just stared at the ground. I couldn't look at my dad, nor could I look at—to hell with it, I was _not_ gonna call him a brother.

"Well, I was just gonna say that I'm pushing off, my uncle gets tired quickly and I have to get him back home."

That did it, and I turned to look at the person who'd just ruined what could have been one of the best days of my life. The little box in my pocket was burning a hole through the fabric, or so it felt. Not gonna be making any proposals today. I didn't feel very matrimonial now when I'd found out how easily my own dad had taken a dump on what was supposed to be something sacred. That's what I'd been led to believe. _Dammit!_

"Way to go, idiot. The sooner you get off my land, the better. And _stay_ _off_ it!" I snarled.

"Jacob!" My dad raised his voice at me, all authoritative like.

"Elvis has left the building, don't play daddy with me today, old man." I didn't even look at him, because I was too preoccupied glaring at Jonathan. The more I stared at him, the more I started seeing myself in him. My stomach twisted painfully, and I thought I was gonna hurl. Was this why Bella had hung out with him; because he reminded her of me? I turned away from him, and fixed my eyes on my dad. "I'm gonna go get my shit from the house, and stay with Bella. Why don't you catch up with your lost puppy?"

Bella gasped, but I ignored her and ushered her to the rabbit.

"Jake, I think you're overreacting." Charlie's voice was full of disappointment. In that moment I couldn't care less about being a disappointment, I just had to get away from here, and now. Sure, the pain in my gut wasn't only from the revelations that had been shoveled on me, it also came from how I was deflecting all the shit on my dad. No matter what he'd done, it wasn't my place to judge him, I knew that. But right now I just needed to gain distance from this. Bella wasn't making it easy for me, she struggled in my grip, digging her heels in.

"Jacob," she begged, her voice soft and sympathetic. "Please, just think about this for a moment."

"No can do," I replied flatly, picking her up.

"Jacob Black! Put me down!" She kicked her legs as I tried to stuff her into the passenger seat of the rabbit without hurting her.

"Honey, calm down, or you'll hurt yourself."

"Jake," came Charlie's stern voice, and I swore under my breath. Was it too much to ask to be given some space?

"Charlie," I returned, equally firm.

"Put her down, or I'll get my shotgun, you know I'm not afraid to use it, son."

"Right," came Jonathan's casual addition to the conversation. Why was he still here? "This is seriously fucked up, I'll leave you to it." A door slammed and an engine revved, then he kicked up a cloud of dirt as he fish-tailed and disappeared.

Well, good riddance!

"Let's all go back to the house, and you can talk while you pack, Jake. How's that for a compromise?" Bella had gone slack in my arms, her eyes pleading with me. Damn it but I couldn't resist her when she looked at me like that.

"Right," I muttered.

When we got home I stalked to the garage and pulled out an old suitcase that hadn't been used for, who knows how long. Probably not since mom and dad's honeymoon. _Goddammit!_I dropped the suitcase and went back inside where Charlie handed my dad a beer, helping himself to one as well and sat down by the kitchen table.

"All right, I've changed my mind. I want the full story, all cards on the table, dad. No more lies." I pulled out a chair and sat down, crossing my arms as I leaned back and looked at him, waiting.

He didn't answer me straight away, and judging from his face I could see he was debating some inner issues. There was pain in his eyes—no, it was more than that.

"You're going to blame me anyway, so I may as well tell you that it's my fault your mother died." His voice was thick, brusque. I swear you could hear the pin drop.

"Billy, don't be taking it all on yourself now," Charlie said gruffly, but my dad put his hands up to stop any further interruptions. Me, well, I just stared at him. Whatever he was gonna say next I doubted I would ever blame him for my mom's death. It was a car-accident, and she was the only one in the car, as far as I knew.

My dad sighed. "It was the same day she found out about Jonathan," he explained, which made everything click.

"Did Rach and Bec know?" I heard myself ask, feeling numb. I knew his answer before he spoke, the hesitation giving him away. Well, damn. A lot of shit was beginning to add up now, wasn't it?

"Yes," he revealed regretfully. "They overheard Sarah and me arguing about it, but she was out the door and driving off when they came into the kitchen. It was a devastating memory of their mother, I tried to apologize many times. It's only gotten worse with the years, they'll never forgive me, at least not Rebecca."

"No wonder she flew off to Hawaii," I said below my breath, more to myself than anyone else. For so long I'd half envied my sisters for remembering mom, but now I couldn't say that I minded much. Maybe it was better that I didn't.

They'd all lied to me. It stung.

Bella had come to stand next to me, and she put her hand on my arm again, rubbing it in an attempt to comfort me. It was strange. Not that she wanted to make me feel better, but the fact that I didn't feel too much of anything about it. Yes, the lies hurt, and it sucked ass. In the end I couldn't blame Rachael and Rebecca, if anything they'd probably taken this harder than I ever could, because they'd known mom. I'm sure I had too back then, but since I could barely remember her face now, let alone what kind of a person she was, I couldn't feel the grief I was sure they had felt. Pain they _still_ felt.

I leaned forward, tensing. "Why did you do it?" His eyes met mine, and I saw there was a lot more coming, then he closed up. It was like I could see the gates shutting everything away.

"It was a mistake, which I pay for every day, son. I'm not proud of myself, but know this; I always loved your mother." He sounded all choked up about it, but in an odd, compulsive way. Like a practiced speech coming from those lemmings running for congress. I didn't watch much TV, but we did watch the news, and I'd seen enough of politicians speaking. That's what my dad reminded me of now, a politician delivering a well thought out answer to win the heart of his audience.

Charlie patted my dad's shoulder awkwardly. "We all know how much you loved Sarah, Billy. Stop being so hard on yourself."

Bella remained quiet next to me, and I guessed that she was just trying to wrap her head around it all. What a great day—

"Son," my dad's voice interrupted my thoughts. Not that it was something I wanted to think about, I'd rather rewind so I didn't have to know about it. "Please don't blame Jonathan for this, can you promise me that? He doesn't deserve your attitude."

I snorted. "I'll give him whatever he's got coming. If he stays away, all good. As far as I'm concerned he's nothing to me."

Bella finally spoke up. "Jake, I think Billy is right. No matter what, Jon can't help who his parents are, as little as you can help all that has happened to you because of who your grandfather was." Her voice was gentle, and as much as I wanted to agree with her I suddenly shot up with the realization of my grandfather.

"Could he-"

"Yes," Billy answered, knowing what I was thinking.

Oh, hell no! "No. Just—jeez, there's no end to the crap, is there?"

"There hasn't been any vamp-" Bella slapped her hands in front of her mouth, smothering the rest of her sentence.

"Bells?" Charlie looked at her in a strange way, making her eyes dart between our faces.

With all the years that had passed, and I had always wondered how she could keep her second life from her dad, but apparently there came a point for each and every person to slip up. Now it was Bella's turn.

She shook her head. "Never mind."

My dad's face had tensed up, and he was staring at Bella in shock.

I got up, grabbing Bella's hand. "Well, I think there's been too much excitement for one day. We're going for a walk," I announced and started dragging Bella toward the door.

"Now, just hang on a minute," Charlie protested. "Come back here, Jacob." But I didn't stop. Should have known that Charlie didn't give up so easily, because he followed us outside.

"Dad," Bella said in a pleading tone. "Drop it."

"No, Bells." He was firm and full of authority. "To me it sounded like you were gonna say something about—vampires." He nearly choked on the word, causing Bella to jerk to a stop. I groaned. Here we go; this should be interesting.

"Vampires? Are you serious?" A nervous laughter slipping through her pursed lips. Way to go, Bella, I thought.

"I'm asking you," he said pointedly. "Unless you were about to say something else. But with what I've come to learn lately, it wouldn't surprise me."

So very true. Wouldn't it have been only a matter of time before he pieced it all together anyway? He wasn't dumb, he was Chief of Police. Bella deliberated, fidgeting. She was such a bad liar, and we all knew it. Her shoulders slumped as she glanced at me.

"Charlie, I think that you'd rather _not_ know," I offered confidently. It was true. Even if he'd managed to deal with the whole wolf-thing, I still thought that some things were just better left unresolved. I wasn't sure if it would take him long to figure out Bella's secret, once she tried telling him about the things that go bump in the night.

He was considering my suggestion, then something in his face changed and his eyes widened.

"Ah," was all he said, then his face was drained of color. Oh shit, he was one smart little cookie. "When I drove you to the airport-" He stopped himself when Bella nodded.

Huh? Was I missing something? I looked at Bella who gave me an apologetic look, and she mouthed, "Later."

Then Charlie turned to me and gave me a curt nod. "Yeah, need to know basis, only." And with that he turned and walked back inside, his face still white as a sheet. Funny. Usually when he freaked out about something he would turn all kinds of scarlet.

Bella groaned and covered her face with her hands. "God—I'm so stupid. How is it possible that I'd slip, after all these years?" She muttered into her palms.

"Honey," I walked up to her and pulled her hands away from her face. She tried to struggle against me but gave up quickly. "Look at me." And she did.

"Sorry," she mumbled.

I rolled my eyes. "Come here," I ordered and pulled her into my arms. Damn she felt good. All I wanted to do was to forget about the past couple of hours, and if anyone could help me with that it was Bella. "What do you say about getting out of here? Let's go out to dinner, or something. Would you still like to have that date?" I couldn't help but laugh when her head snapped back and she stared at me. "What?"

"Are you really up for that?" She asked skeptically.

Anything that involved me spending time with Bella was something I'd always be up for.

"Of course," I replied, grinning from ear to ear. She finally cracked a smile and it made my heart swell. How the hell was she mine? It just didn't seem real sometimes, and I was still, in the back of my mind, expecting someone to jump out of a bush and tell me it was all a big fat joke.

"Sure, let's." Her eyes held me captive and all I could do was to stare at her.

"Damn, you're so beautiful, honey." It made her cheeks flush, and I released one arm around her, bringing my hand up to skim her cheek with one finger. She shivered beneath my touch, then sighed, leaning into me.

"I love you," she whispered, her arms reaching up to circle my neck as she pulled herself up to press her lips against mine. An electric current passed through my body, reflectively causing me to clutch her closer, and I parted her lips with my tongue, letting it run over hers. The pit of my stomach tightened and she moaned softly into my mouth when my hands ran down the soft curve of her ass.

I released her mouth, kissing my way to her ear. "Bells, I need you," I murmured, sucking the soft flesh of her earlobe between my teeth. A shudder went through her body, and she whimpered.

Groaning, I pulled away from her. "Let's go," I said thickly. "Before I rip your clothes off in front of Billy and Charlie.

She huffed. "You wouldn't."

"Don't tempt me." With a wink I turned and went for the house, Bella following closely behind. "I'm still gonna crash at your place for a while, just so you know."

"You can stay for as long as you want, Jake." Her voice sounded hopeful which made me pause, glancing back at her.

"Not tired of me yet?" I teased.

"Never. I want you all to myself." Her eyes simmered with everything I was feeling for her right now. Love, devotion—desire.

I took a deep breath and continued into the house. Right now, the last thing I wanted was to parade through my dad's house; damn woman had too strong effect on me. If we were lucky we'd make it all the way to Port Angeles before I couldn't keep my hands to myself anymore.

We ended up at a small restaurant on the waterfront, it was a place I'd found one night a couple of years ago when I'd been in one of my gloomy moods, wandering around in my own thoughts about how messed up my life was. When I first laid eyes on the place it had hit me how it'd been just right; for Bella. There had been many times when I had wanted to ask her out, but I'd never had the balls to do it. My second reaction had been to curse myself, over and over for being a coward. On countless occasions I'd gone over things, twisting and turning all scenarios on what I could have done differently to have won her heart over before Edward had his hooks in her. In the end I'd turned and bolted, the pain from all the memories having nearly knocked the wind out of me. Now, as we sat on the terrace, there were no pain, no unpleasant memories. Bella was sipping thoughtfully from her second glass of wine.

"It's really not that good, why does it always seem like people enjoy this stuff?" She turned to me, licking her lips and grimacing. I couldn't help laughing at her.

"Don't drink it then," I said with a grin and took the glass from her, wrapping her hand in mine and rubbing the soft skin with my thumb.

"I just thought I would try, at least now I know." She shrugged.

Bella had spent one hour in the damn bathroom, refusing to let me in. In all the years that I'd known her, she had never been one for dresses, with the exception of her wedding. As beautiful as she'd looked then, I remember I couldn't help but think that it wasn't her. It was too extravagant, to forced. The memory sent a painful jolt through my body. Having had her in my arms then had been so damn difficult, and not only for the fact that I'd spent so much time phased. She'd been so soft, so warm, and her heart beating had meant the world to me. The hardest part had been to control everything I felt for her, that I'd wished she was mine, that I could kiss her again. Then we'd started talking about her honeymoon, and just as I'd been thinking of all the things I could do to her that he couldn't, she'd told me that she _could_ have a real honeymoon.

I shuddered involuntarily, and instantly pushed it out of my mind. Not gonna go there, definitely not gonna reminisce about the bad. Bella caught the tension and my tremble.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, honey." I let my eyes drop to her bare shoulders, her creamy skin seemed to glow in the evening sun. "You look-" I struggled for words. "Fucking amazing." I grinned sheepishly when she scowled at me.

"Jake," she scolded, rolling her eyes.

"Sorry, Bells. You mess with my brain, and I can't think straight around you."

"My apologies, Mr Black." She huffed.

"Aw, come on, honey." I leaned forward, bringing her hand to my lips to brush them across her knuckles. "I'm trying to behave," I said in a lower voice, keeping my eyes on hers.

Her breath caught, and I smirked.

"I forgive you," she whispered shakily.

"Good." I sat up straight and called the waitress over, requesting the bill. The girl gave me a bright smile and hurried away. Bella snorted in disgust. "Jealous?" I asked, not able to hide my amusement. Her lips puckered.

"Hardly," she retorted, making me chuckle.

"She's got nothing on you, Bells. No one does." I got up, without releasing her hand, and walked up next to her, pulling her into my arms. "I only see _you_, honey." Her lips parted, and she gasped softly when I touched my lips to her cheek. "I _want_ only you..." She trembled in my arms, her breathing uneven and her heart beating erratically. "And I need you—_now_." I ran the tip of my nose back across her cheek, then stopped at the corner of her mouth, pausing before I let my lips brush across hers. Her eyelids fluttered.

I heard the footsteps of the waitress, and turned to see her coming toward us, her smile having faded, but when I gave her a big tip she grinned and bid us a good evening. Bella didn't even notice her this time, she was clinging to me, her fingertips digging into my arm.

On our way to the car I held her tucked into my side, not wanting her away from me for more than she had to be, but when she stumbled for the second time and nearly lost her footing altogether she burst out laughing.

"Easy, Bells," I said with a chuckle.

"It's the wine." She chortled, and I stopped, holding her away from me so I could get a good look at her. Her face was slightly flushed, and her eyes squinted. Then she burst into a fit of giggles, making me raise an eyebrow.

"Good thing I'm driving," I mumbled but smiled. "Let's get you home, honey."

By the time we got to her apartment I had to carry her upstairs because she'd fallen asleep. I couldn't believe that two glasses of wine could get her like this, but it was kinda cute.

I lowered her on the bed, trying not to wake her.

"Jake," she murmured sleepily.

"What's up?" I wondered in a hushed whisper, sitting down next to her.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"You're here." Her words were groggy, making me smile.

"Of course, Bells. Where else would I be?"

She didn't answer, and judging by the rise and fall of her chest she must have fallen asleep again, if she'd ever really been awake. Gently I brushed the hair out of her face and leaned in to kiss her lips.

"I'll always be here now, honey." Whether she heard me or not she smiled ever so slightly. "Goodnight. I love you."

I sat and watched her for a minute before I dragged myself away to have a shower. Regardless of the unpleasant start to the day it had ended better than I could have hoped for, under the circumstances. At first I'd thought that my dad's surprise was gonna leave a bad taste in my mouth all day, but Bella had taken my mind off it, and it wasn't until now that it all came back.

Unanswered questions were rattling around in my brain, I tossed and turned after I'd gone to bed, in the end forcing me to get up so I wouldn't wake Bella.

One thing that kept nagging at me was what would happen if Jonathan would start coming around to my—_our_, I reminded myself—dad's place from now on. Would he do that, or would he stay away? How old was he anyway? Older, obviously.

My dad's request to not take out my frustrations on the guy kept hounding me. I didn't want a brother, I had plenty, even if me and the pack weren't as close as we used to be. It was too damn difficult to think about getting to know this guy. How come no one had said anything after mom died? In my brain I tried to imagine how my dad could have cheated on my mom, and it just didn't work. Not that he sung praise to her, or had talked about her much, but it was still difficult to wrap my mind around it. I'd always been under the impression that he'd loved her, that she'd been his number one. But, who was I to judge, what did I know? It's not like I hadn't had my own share of misreading signals, or rather, I'd been too wrapped up in one thing to really focus on another.

My phone rang and I picked up, wondering who'd call me this late.

"Jake," I announced, and a cheerful voice greeted me.

"Hey. Sorry about the late hour and all—okay, not really, but I do have a question for you."

I tried to place the voice but I couldn't, and it continued when I didn't answer.

"Oh, sorry, it's Jonathan," he clarified.

I stiffened. "How the hell did you get my number?"

"Billy," he revealed in a cocky tone.

"Look," I started, sighing.

He ignored me. "We don't have to pretend here, Jacob; I know you hate my guts, I get it. But, I thought we could easily change that."

My eyebrows dropped as I frowned and I wondered what he was getting at.

"What makes you think I want to do anything about it?" I challenged in a flat voice.

"Well, I've kinda changed my plans. It's not every day you find out you have a brother, especially not one that has a pretty girl like Bella." His voice was easy and relaxed, but still I got the feeling that he was playing games, taunting me.

"You better stay away from her," I warned.

He laughed. "Easy, I'm not gonna snatch her or anything, what kind of a brother would that make me?"

A dead one, I thought, but didn't verbalize, instead I remained quiet.

Another laugh came. "Lighten up. I was just gonna ask you out for a beer, and you can tell me about yourself, or not. There's this great club in Port Angeles, I've been there a few times, take Bella with you. How's Friday for you?"

There was only one proper club in Port Angeles.

"I work there," I replied, feeling irritated by how he seemed to think we could just start hanging out. And there was no way in hell I would bring Bella, if I would meet him.

"Sweet, free beer." I rolled my eyes.

"Look, Jonathan; I've gotta be honest with you. I don't wanna play along, but I'll make you a deal. If I meet with you, then you'll promise to stay the hell away from Bella. Think you can work with that?"

He was quiet briefly. "A part for two—not much fun, are you? Ah well, sure thing."

After we'd decided on a time he hung up, and I was happy to be rid of his damn cheerful voice. If my instincts were true, then I doubted that he'd keep himself away from Bella, and something told me that my instincts rarely lied.

"Well, I'll give him _one_ chance, that's all he's getting from me," I said to myself, getting up from the sofa and walked back into the bedroom. Bella would be happy I made an attempt at least, and that was worth it. I looked down at her peaceful face, and my heart gave a squeeze.

Whatever would happen, there was one thing in my life that was right. The only thing that mattered really; Bella. Now that she was finally with me, all else was secondary. Ultimately I didn't really care what Jonathan did, or said. So I had a brother, well, that could be interesting.

I peeled my clothes off and got into bed, wrapping my arms around the one person I would never function without, pulling her closer into my chest. She mumbled something unintelligible, and I smiled, pressing my lips into her hair.

"You're stuck with me now, honey. I think I might just move in here with you." She shifted in my arms, another mumble escaping her mouth. I don't know how long I'd be able to wait, but not too long; I just _needed_ to be tied to her in every way possible. Two things were missing, the first one; make her my wife. The second one; kids. I wasn't sure how she'd react to those, but I'd start with asking her to marry me first, then we'd go from there. Hopefully her marriage to Edward hadn't scared her off for life. I would have to plan a perfect moment, so that she wouldn't be able to refuse me; after all, I used to be good at making her do things she never knew she wanted, or liked. Not that I was gonna threaten her, but I knew Bella, and sometimes she just needed some extra convincing, so she'd take the first step. The rest would be a piece of cake. She might have grown into this freaking gorgeous creature that was now sleeping in my arms, but beneath it all, she was still her, and damn was I _ever _thankful and deliriously happy about that. I grinned from ear to ear.

Mission accomplished; she chose life, could I really ask for more?

Nope, not right now anyways.

But damn I wanted her—go to sleep, dude, I told myself.

This was gonna be a long night.


End file.
